Hatman

 Dear Mr Cele 

Your once soaring popularity seems to be plummeting. 

I think it grossly unfair that your many stellar achievements in the war against crime are so soon forgotten.

Let me remind South Africans:

You made the startling discovery that alcohol, not money, is the root of all evil. Nobel prize-winning stuff. 

You have made it easy for us to identify villains and potential villains. Those tattoos are a dead giveaway. Crime fighting made simple.

You arrested thousands of puffing and swilling degenerates during lockdown. Who knows how many lives were saved by that bold stroke?

You warned us against loud Gqom music. I'm not sure what it does, but it must be horrific.

You warned us to expect more horrific crime statistics in future. Sir, how did you come to that brilliant conclusion? Sherlock would applaud.

You have racked up a record number of air miles, flitting around the country to crime scenes, like the ever-belated cavalry, dispensing words of wisdom and warning. Who can forget your words, profound as an excerpt from a great Shakespearean tragedy:

"I cannot picture a zama zama (illegal miner) with a pretty girl."

Sir, neither can I. I have been pondering the layers of meaning and the implications for law and order for weeks now.  You do say the most thought-provoking things.

People say that you don't have a strategy for fighting crime. Nonsense! I'm sure that, even now, your police are staking out tattoo parlours. And dens of iniquity where the Tattooed Ones gather, consume alcohol and plan heinous criminal activity. 

When this strategy comes together and your many pithy, wise and witty quotes are remembered, you will surely be hailed as the Batman, or perhaps, Hatman, of South Africa. 

Local television has served us sparse fare of late. I suggest a series based on your thrilling exploits: 'Hatman, The Daf..., sorry,  Dark Crusader'.

Yours in the grim struggle against tattoos, alcohol, Gqom music and more.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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Absolutely Fabulous ANC

 Dear Mr Mantashe 

Someone asked on social media which politician we despise most.

What's to despise? You Honourable Members do not get the credit you deserve. Never, in the history of man, has a group of politicians so successfully and seamlessly combined politics and stand up comedy. You have saved me a fortune in tickets to comedy shows. The likes of Trevor Noah and Ismo must tremble every time you step up to the microphone. 

It's almost impossible to select the best routine from your long-running, history-making tour of South Africa. ANC politicians join in protests against illegal miners. Imagine the FBI protesting against rampant crime. Use the Zondo Commission report for ANC renewal. That one had me howling with laughter until a concerned neighbour came over to check on my health. 

I do think, sir, that you are a top contender for comedy routine of the decade. Back in 2019, you proudly announced to the world the discovery of hazenile in South Africa. A luminous moment, were it not that the discovery was an April Fool's joke in an article.

'The fake mineral was first mentioned on the website of Smart Energy International on April 1, where it was described as a "miracle new mineral to revolutionise battery storage."' (Financial Mail). 

I'm not surprised that your people missed the April Fool's disclaimer. So many other things on your minds: Zondo Commission report, karpowerships, ANC Family Feud - the list goes on. Of course, sir, had you caught the minor slip in time, you could have yelled out 'April Fool'. Maybe you still can? If hazenile really existed, it would probably explain how your Party's batteries keep going despite blunders, incompetence and corruption that would have brought down ten governments in a  normal society.

You politicians keep us laughing through the cold, dark Eskom nights. A minister brought cancer medication from Russia in her head. Hazenile existed in your head for a glorious moment. It's good to see ministers using their heads. This cerebral, imaginative approach to life's challenges is what has made us a leading, pioneering country. Like Captain Kirk, we boldly go....

Wakanda built it's technology on vibranium. We are the potential Wakanda of the future, with our plans for bullet trains, smart cities and giant flag monuments. Your people should check it out for the next international mining conference. Also, sir, you might want to check out stronterium, unique to South Africa. Similar to strontium but with some remarkable properties, scientists often refer to this mineral by its abbreviated name, stront.

Yours in the quest for miracle minerals  - or just the odd miracle.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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Honourable Members

Dear Politicians 

I was carted off to a state hospital once, by ambulance. I spent most of the day discussing, with fellow-sufferers,  the joys of passing the day in this fashion. During pauses in the absorbing discussion, we studied the decor, that much admired and imitated style called 'state drab'.

I was treated eventually  - like a piece of meat. Worse actually. A good steak would have got far more careful and respectful attention.

Recently, I visited another state hospital for eye surgery. Nurses, doctors and other staff were pleasant, efficient and attentive. I was almost as shocked as the president is from time to time. It is possible in South Africa, after all!

That night I saw patients, South Africans of all hues, helping other, less able patients to get around. No slogans, cliches, racial mathematics or other pockets of hot air. No struggle soapbox. I realised, Honourable Members, that you need to stop telling South Africans what to think and feel. They behave far more sensibly, decently and honourably than you do.

It is difficult, perhaps impossible to serve if you lack humility. Being dependent, your butt hanging out of a hospital gown, is good for the humility quotient. What is truly important in this life becomes abundantly clear: to give and receive friendship,  kindness, help. To be a mensch.

James Shirley tells it most eloquently:

The glories of our blood and state
Are shadows, not substantial things;
There is no armour against fate;
Death lays his icy hand on kings:
Sceptre and Crown
Must tumble down,
And in the dust be equal made
With the poor crooked scythe and spade.
....
Only the actions of the just
Smell sweet, and blossom in their dust. 

Your behinds have long been hanging out of your emperor's gowns. You don't see it. We do. I think this is why humility tends to elude you.  I'd recommend some eye surgery at that state hospital and one of those blue gowns. Does wonders for perspective.

Yours in the struggle for clear vision and feet on the ground.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Van Riebeeck Made Me Do It

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I watched a tense thriller called 'The Curse Of The One-Legged Man With A Long Grey Beard'. It was tense and thrilling  (as I wrote in my weekly movie critic's column in The Durban South Spectator). The story revolved around a curse passed down through several generations.

This thought-provoking, cinema nouveau classic provoked some thinking. I read Mr Zuma's incisive analysis of the root causes of crime in South Africa and have often wondered whether we are under the curse of Jan Van Riebeeck. If Mr Zuma is to be believed  (and why not?), this bugger illegally imported crime into South Africa. He also brought 82 men and 8 women.  I assume these to have been the lowest sort of scoundrels, ready to do the bidding of their criminal mastermind. And so the curses of crime, buffoonery, incompetence, slothfulness and corruption descended upon the pure soil of South Africa. And here they remain to this day.

Should you be tempted to scoff, let me point out that Mr Zuma's rigorous research is well supported. Another noted historian, Ms Mbete, made similar claims (see Al Jazeera interview). As do many reputable Twitter historians. Who am I to differ? I barely got through high school history.

Further evidence, anecdotal but compelling. A friend told me this intriguing tale over a bottle of Hennessy. He was window shopping at the local liquor store, when a supernatural event took place. A voice clear as an SABC reporter's, uttered these words: " Neem de fles Hennessy, mijn vriend" ("Take the bottle of Hennessey, my friend"). As in a trance, he redeployed the bottle to one of the inner pockets of his greatcoat (pockets he normally uses for documents). As my friend knows no Dutch, I must believe him. As I must believe Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete. Of course, I immediately stopped drinking the Hennessey and switched to coffee.  Not the Van Riebeeck instant, but the Jacobs (favoured in KZN).

I believe that the curse is as real as the many conspiracies hatched against Dr Ace, Mr Zuma and other heroes. 

Yours in the supernatural struggle against ancient curses.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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Home Sweet Home Affairs

Dear Home Affairs 

'Tis now the very witching time of night

When churchyards yawn

And hell itself breathes out contagion to this world'

My thoughts as I struggled into Home Affairs- appropriate garb yesterday. The minibus taxi driver nodded off at each red traffic light and had to be woken to continue the thrilling pre-dawn journey. I arrived at the venerable institution full of hope. Guiness Book record queues were there already. I calculated the chances of actually getting to the entrance on the day and made an inglorious retreat.

I have tried the online application process. It worked like a pre - Wright Brothers attempt at flight. Take off with gusto. Thud into the runway seconds later. I tried making an appointment. A list of offices in KZN appeared. One was not on any map known to mankind. The other would require the purchase of a return air ticket.

Perhaps I could just cease to exist for a while. It would be far easier than trying to acquire a shiny, new smart ID card. It also has advantages. My voicemail could be something like: "Dear creditor, the person you are trying to reach no longer exists. Please send cash in lieu of flowers".

I did read some good news. Apparently there are several satellite offices, that you have not publicized. Park Station, Johannesburg, and several private homes supposedly house these wonderfully innovative outlets. Please supply a list of Durban branches. The service is said to be excellent: speedy and simple. In addition to looking at your own cumbersome processes (long, long overdue), you might want to ask these providers how they do it. It's rumoured that one can even do a simultaneous name change. I've always rather fancied the name Lerato Ndlovu. Nice, Asian ring to it.

Yours in the struggle for service excellence.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Lady Macbeth

Dear Dudu

I think it's wrong that some people call you Lady Macbeth. Cruel flattery, I call it.

Lady Macbeth had some class. She also had real power and influence.  I do see you doing the 'eye of newt and toe of frog' thing. Dark, sinister tweets flying like bats out of the pot you stir so diligently. I'm baffled as to where the comparison comes from. It couldn't be the overweening ambition and ruthlessness, could it? It's the right play but a somewhat smaller role. Still, an interesting and significant part. Perhaps you could also warn your  Macbeth of things to come.

Lady Macbeth had an attack of conscience.  Do you see yourself wandering distractedly around the fire pool, wringing your delicate hands? 'Not all the perfumes of Dubai will sweeten this little hand.'  Shall we wait?

You will be delighted to know that some lines from Macbeth do seem quite appropriate (apologies for hacking them out of context):

A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And  then is heard no more...

..full of sound and fury

Signifying nothing.

You cannot expect much more when all you sow are seeds of hatred and schadenfreude. It's a poor, pathetic crop.

There's more to life.

Yours in the struggle to distinguish clearly between light and darkness, truth and the Big Lie.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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More South African Nursery Rhymes

 More relevant, revolutionary nursery rhymes:

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb

She thought it tasted swell

She did a dozen cows as well

From friends she had in town

And a hundred cans of soda

To wash the whole lot down

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sits on the wall

With taxes and tenders having a ball

Humpty you're overdue for a fall

And all the horse dung and all the bull

Will never put you together again

Hey Diddle, Diddle

Hey diddle diddle

Someone did a fiddle

At a bank of ill repute

A whole bunch of folks joined in the fun

And some cats ran away with the loot

Little Jack Cadre 

Little Jack Cadre

Said "Aikhona,

I need some tender pie"

He put out his thumb

Lifted a plum

And said "How clever am I"

Jingle Bells 

Dashing to and fro

Bodyguards in tow

O'er the land we go

Gabbling all the way

Jingle bells, jingle bells, bulldust all the way

Oh, what fun it is

To run a country to the ground

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory, dickory, dock

We're running out of time

When the clock strikes one

My friends we're done

Hickory, dickory dock

Hickory, dickory, dock

The mice run down the clock

The rest of us watch

And all we do

Is shout 'Ag, nee, f..k'.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723