The Trump and Zuma Fan Clubs

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people, on some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." Mencken

This cannot be true.  Yes, the corridors of power have in recent times been haunted by thieves,  frauds. blustering,  egotistical incompetents and others of the colourful tribe. But to fool some of the people all of the time, you have to be at least a level above moron grade. I don't believe that the voters are morons either. So the likes of Zuma, Lesufi, Malema and friends have supporters as faithful as cult members. There are those who don't doubt that the ANC, MK, the EFF and all the other fascinating movements will lead them, one distant day, to 'some vague Utopia'. 

We all make interesting choices. Some believe that Bafana are world beaters, despite the evidence of their eyes. Some of us believe that Manchester United will regain their former glory. There are even people who believe that the SABC, that shambles of incompetence and absence of imagination, is a real national broadcaster.

There are those who have goosebumps thinking about Trump making America great again - with some eccentric team choices. What is his vision of great? Lincoln was said to have once been berated by a lady for being conciliatory towards his former enemies. His response:

"Madam, when I make my enemies my friends, do I not defeat them?"

I suspect that beneath Trump's bluff, blustering, misogynistic, crockery-throwing exterior lurks a similarly wise, insightful person, just waiting to emerge. That probably applies also to our many promise-and-slogan-spouting statesmen. Their team has demonstrated over many long years that it hasn't the foggiest on how to Make South Africa Work Again (MSAWA).

It's exceedingly difficult to admit that one was wrong about one's team, no matter how pathetic it is. It's exceedingly difficult to admit that one was and is wrong.

So,  like the characters of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, we invent unending revolutions, demonic, almost mythical enemies, ethereal victories and successes. For Orwell's shadowy enemy-of-the-state, Goldstein, substitute one or more of the following:

Whites

White Monopoly Capital 

Clever Blacks 

Counter revolutioniaries 

Sellouts 

Racists...

The list is limited only by imagination. And unlike in the case of the SABC, there's plenty of that to go round. Our political discourse reads like a Stephen King / Dean Koontz / Robert Ludlum concoction. Spies, traitors, bloody agents, evil ones and even the malignant spirit of Jan van Riebeeck lurk wherever lurking may be done in this fair land. 

And so, our failures are covered, our addiction to corruption, our scarcely believable incompetence and our love of buffoonery in the face of disaster and suffering. And that makes it all peachy for the hordes of loyal supporters.

So it will continue as long as fans support the brand, regardless of performance where it matters, on the field.

That is probably what makes it possible to continue supporting the train wrecks that pass for politicians and political parties in this and other countries.

I don't think that being thoroughly deluded and deceived makes one a moron. A passionate, devoted fan, yes.

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MAGAman

Dear MAGAman

So delighted to hear from you via this courteous, thought-provoking tweet:

"No one gives a fuck , you can’t vote here. No one insisting through your sanctimonious 7 min video. What do you want ?"

You watched all seven minutes? Who says that people today have a short attention span?

I am deeply honoured that, although you don't give an f, you took the time from your important MAGA activities to respond. I know that MAGA people are renowned for their old world courtesy and profundity of thought. Your second sentence did leave me confused, but that's probably because I don't have the fine grasp of language and concepts that you MAGA people do. 

I'm also puzzled that my praise of Mister Trump's many fine qualities should have you in a lather. I do try to give credit where credit is due.

Nothing sanctimonious about me, mate. I would also not have turned down the opportunity of an exciting dalliance with a beautiful actress. Particularly if her beauty was combined with the talent of a Meryl Streep or  a Dame Judy Dench. There is something irresistibly attractive about actresses who have played memorable roles. I haven't seen any of her movies but have no doubt that she must have given spellbinding performances to have caught the attention of the Great One. I can understand how he felt moved to reward her with the gift of a few benjamins. Of course, I would have some trouble claiming.to stand for family values and the other good, wholesome stuff while smiling inwardly at the memory of a torrid romp or two between silk sheets.

I think that it's terrific that Mr Trump did not allow scandals and legal troubles to stand in the way of his representing law and order and good solid,  family values. What a patriot! I am so glad that he is not like the Brits, who would resign over something as silly as having a Guinness or two during Covid. 

I feel a great affinity to you MAGA people and Mister Trump. Your thinking and behavior seem to me to be so African. We also love to appoint people with, er,  interesting pasts to high office. Our former president had scandals hanging over him like a flock of albatrosses. He has also been facing dozens of charges for several years. He too,  has made a remarkable comeback and that gives hope to us all. Hope that we can also keep the mills of justice at bay for a few years. Hope that we, too,  can assume  high office one day, despite our little mistakes. And who has not made the odd mistake of dallying with brilliant actresses, being convicted of various felonies? Why, some of my best friends are serving lengthy prison sentences.

Incidentally , the  South African politician I speak of has been nicknamed S'boshwa, which I think means 'He Who Fights For Justice And Freedom'. Sounds so like your man, doesn't it.

You often make the point that Mister Trump is a brilliant businessman. Of that I have no doubt. Of course it takes a very special combination of chutzpah and brilliance to have declared bankruptcy several times, owe millions, and still be seen as a highly successful businessman. That is some serious business acumen. The more I talk of Mister Trump's achievements, the clearer it becomes to me that's there could be no one better suited to the presidency in the great United States of America.

Although you don't give an f, we certainly do. Because every time the great USA  sneezes, we wind up with mucus on our faces. So, good friend and comrade in the struggle for peace and prosperity,our fates are intertwined. There is no easy way to break off this relationship, certainly not via an sms or tweet. 

By the way , if you know of any actresses who would like to start a dalliance on this side of the globe , please let me know via tweet. As you will have gathered, like the Great One, I find actresses quite fascinating. We should replace the 'as the archbishop said to the actress' jokes with 'as the president elect said to the actress' jokes. Just as a sort of tribute to the Great Man.

Oh, answering your question: "What do you want?" Is this a three wishes,  genii-in-the-bottle sort of question? Many things: world peace, a few thousand dollars (could you let Elon know of my support and contribution to the MAGA cause?). Also a bunch of things too numerous to mention here. But we can talk more. I look forward to your next tweet. Or you could email me at my address below.

Yours in the struggle to make wise, considered, thoughtful voting choices.

Richard

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Supertrump

Dear Mr Trump 

Congratulations.

"Any American child can become president of the US", goes the slogan. You prove it true once more. Even a petulant, spoilt brat who throws tantrums and heedlessly destroys things can rise to that lofty peak.

I believe that you have talents and qualities that your detractors don't see. Fortunately the wise, thoughtful patriots do. 

You deal with problems decisively. Here's a random example plucked from my imagination:  lets say an unwise, torrid affair with, for example, a famous actress, came back to haunt your career, I bet you would know exactly how to make the problem go away. Of course, you would never get yourself into that position, ethical man that you are.

You really are a friend to the friendless. The world sees Kim Jong-un as a rocket loving, cruel despot of the worst kind.  It sees Vladimir as a cold  ruthless, power hungry megalomaniac. You alone see the hidden sterling qualities that lie within like buried treasure. Vladimir invades countries like an overgrown bully, while also bullying his own people into scared submission. Kim starves his people, keeping them in fearful servitude, while he plays with rockets. But we all make mistakes. You are mature and perceptive enough to understand that. You are wise enough to see that within each of these  gentlemen resides a kind, caring person struggling to get out. All that they need is love. And who better to supply it?

Truly  a man of compassion. I am sure that you have already forgiven all your foes and tormentors at home. I know that you would never stoop so low as to use your position to get back at them. There was that thing with Zelensky and the quid pro quo suggestion. But that's the past. As I said, we all make mistakes. Some are just a bit bigger than others.  Clearly you are not a man who bears grudges. I am sure that you have moved on from the days when you gave some advice on a leadership telecast to the effect that leaders should go after those who have wronged them. You're a president now. All grown up. And not of some shithole country but leader of the free, enlightened, civilized, democratic world. I'm confident that you can be relied on to do the right thing. Your record speaks for itself.

I read of at least 24 top ('A team') allies who made startling, damning statements about your character, competence and behaviour.  What the heck do they know? They only worked closely with you for a couple of years. There is no way that they could know you better than the great American voting public. And that public knows you as Supertrump, whizzing in and out of phone booths to take on America's problems, and take down traitors, lefties, communists and woke whack jobs.

 

You said that you would return America to  former glory.  And the world, too.

I know that you will have your hands full next week, deporting truck and bus loads of immigrants, putting a stop to inflation, lowering grocery prices and taxes, stopping wars, dealing with traitors within, healing the sick...sorry, got a bit carried away. But who wouldn't be, after 30 minutes of brilliant rhetoric delivered in those dulcet tones?

Anyway, would you be able to fit our country in the week after that. We could do with some restoring to former glory. Or any glory at all. 

Not only have you made a remarkable comeback but you have also given new hope to a group of people long shunned and despised - convicted felons. Yes they can.

Yours in the struggle for former greatness and former glory.

Richard

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Trumpocracy

 Dear Mr Trump 

It's utterly ridiculous that some people, (probably sick, radical, left lunatics), compare you to Hitler. You are taller, shave regularly and, as far as I know,  don't speak German. You have also never expressed a desire for a road trip to Poland in a tank - or even a garbage truck.

You would be my automatic choice for president if I were an American voter or an illegal immigrant who'd managed to circumvent whatever safeguards are in place.

I know that sounds unlikely, but you've pointed out that the Democratic party machinery is a nest of treacherous, treasonous vipers. Anything can happen. There could even be, heaven forbid, a storming of the Capitol. But I'm sure that, with you on the presidential podium, that sort of attack on democracy would not be tolerated. A thought: now that the treacherous Democrats have soiled and sullied the very name of democracy, should we not call it something ele? 'Trumpocracy' has quite a nice ring to it.

This is not merely an emotional response to your oratory, mesmerizing though it is. I have, like so many of your thoughtful, analytical supporters, carefully considered your utterances and your impeccable track record. I set my reasoning forth for the discerning reader to dissect and come to a reasoned conclusion.

1. Your unequalled skills in international  diplomacy. 

That you would stop the Ukraine war in a day has never been in doubt for me. With a little help from your friends, Vladimir and Kim Jong, both of whom are surely unfairly overlooked candidates for the Nobel Peace prize,  It would be a walk in the car park. It might take you two days, or at most a week, to stop the conflict in the Middle East but stop it you would.  Anyway, that's a much shorter time than our own ANC government would take to have a meeting to arrange further meetings. I see a grateful world acknowledging your leadership, as you extinguish similar fires in various parts of the globe. Sir,  Sudan needs you.

2. Your undisputed leadership skills. 

Who can forget how you despatched unworthy candidates on your 'The Apprentice' show with the immortal phrase 'you are fired'. The record breaking turnover of 'A team' staff during your tenure testifies that you fearlessly continued along that path. Who does not admire a decisive, butt-kicking leader? Apart, of course, from those whose butts are being kicked.

3. Your attention to detail. 

The world would never have known of the macabre dietary habits of Illegal immigrants, involving such ingredients as cat and dog, were it not for your eagle eye and ear to the ground. Is it true that there are many ways to skin a cat? The slitting of the throats of innocent citizens at midnight by nocturnal, illegal immigrants would also have gone unnoticed, were it not for you. I am sure that there is great rejoicing in the land by cat and dog owners. 

4. Your muscular use of language. 

There is no beating around the bush with you. 

You call a whack job a whack job. So refreshing. One looks forward to more of the same as you excoriate the nutters, lefties, communists whack jobs and others who threaten the great American way of life and the right to life, liberty and the wholesome pursuit of happiness. Plus the right to bear automatic rifles.

5. Your common touch.

Who can forget your ride in the garbage truck, so pregnant with symbolism? A friend showed me pictures of you entering and leaving the truck. 'Garbage in, garbage out' was his cryptic comment. I was annoyed and, quoting some of your best work, called him a radical whack job. I look forward to your riding what we euphamistically call a honey sucker truck. This to underline your contempt for those pathetic states that you designated as shithole countries. 

6. Your coolness under fire.

When the assault on the Capitol took place, did you run around in a panic, as lesser leaders would? No, you calmly watched it on TV, according to various sources. After all, you had suggested a peaceful, patriotic march and these things do happen. No sense in going off half-cocked when you can watch it all on TV.  I trust that you had a Bud Light or two and a bowl of peanuts. There were malicious reports about the grabbing of a steering wheel and the destruction of crockery, but those probably came from loony lefties with nothing better to offer. Sir, which hand would we want on the trigger should nuclear war threaten other than your firm, steady, crockery-throwing hand?

Who would not welcome a leader with these qualities to spearhead the battle for democracy in a dangerous world?

Your top South African supporter (second only to Elon) in the struggle for wise, sane, cool-headed leadership.

Richard 

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Dear Mr Trump

Dear Mr Trump

I heard that you made allegations about illegal immigrants slitting people's throats at midnight.  

Sir, that is utterly ridiculous, absurd. Everyone knows that the best time to slit throats is 2 am. 

Nonetheless, you are certainly making America great again. No droning on about the economy, foreign affairs, (your own affairs far more exciting), or civil rights. I really like your intriguing stories about a cat or dog in every pot. Sir, have you checked that people are not disappearing as well? 'Eating into your support base' may take on a sinister, new meaning.

Your characterization of various states as 'shithole countries' is spot on. Corruption, buffoonery, incompetence, egotistical leadership, attacks on the Capitol  - what could be more lavatorial? The bathroom metaphor was but one example of your poetic talent. Who can forget your: "We will rain down hellfire on you such as you have never seen"? Such luminous imagery. You are indeed a worthy successor to such masterful orators as Churchill, John F Kennedy and Dr Martin Luther King Jr. 

That somewhat aggressive utterance notwithstanding, you really are, at heart, a people's person. People such as Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin - as fine specimens of the noblest and best of humanity as can be found anywhere.

I also like your "Yes, I can" approach to....everything. You would have, by your own account, stopped the war in Ukraine in a day. What could you not achieve in a month? If, (heaven forbid), you are again done out of an election victory, you could consider heading up the United Nations. I bet that would put an end to the long-winded, useless, pointless bickering. And they would all pay their dues. The only remaining challenge would be what to do with your prodigious talents once you'd achieved (inevitable) world peace, prosperity and other nice stuff.

Perhaps, like our Mr Zuma, you could lead the charge in the attack on declining moral standards. 

Yours in the struggle for strong, democratic,  Republican leadership.

Richard 

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The Importance of Being a Victim

 Dear Honourable Dudu 

Thank you. Your wonderful tweet about not being able to speak isiZulu because of Apartheid was typical of the sort of South African satire that writes itself. You called yourself a victim of  Apartheid,  poor dear.

I gave that some thought -  after a  hearty laugh. Your  plaintive cry exemplifies so much of what is wrong in our political landscape and in our  parliament.

You see, dear Honourable Dudu, although I am not a psychologist, I do know that it is almost impossible for those dedicated to victimhood to move on.  It's incredibly difficult to even conceive of doing something positive, innovative, imaginative while victimhood and self-pity cling to you like Durban humidity. 

In the mire of victimhood, there's no room for the needs and difficulties of other people, let alone a country.  But take comfort, you are not alone. I see many of your fellow victims in Parliament,  whose sole contribution seems to be hurling invective and insults, complaining, demanding 'justice' and reparations. (Perhaps read 'revenge' for 'justice').

Dear victims, that is not going to happen. You will cry to the heavens and beat your breasts until, in the words of the great Mr Zuma, Jesus returns. This is because the world and life move on. If reparations were paid for all past wrongs, we would have to crawl a hell of a long way back into history. I notice that you tend to omit the Khoi and San peoples and that's not so far back. A small oversight, perhaps?

Life and opportunity tend to pass you by when  you waste them on cursing and blaming all those that you imagine to be responsible for the moist puddle that you are. You folk remind me of a child, weeping bitterly over a broken toy or a broken adult. promise. So hard to see beyond the immediate disappointment. It seems utterly devastating.

I do hope that you and the comrades grow out of this. But the chances are as close to zero as the temperatures in the coldest parts of the country. You are at the age where you should have outgrown such childish things, so this does not auger well for  future change.  Unfortunately, your many strange, often foolish, often malicious utterings on social media also don't hold out much promise for your growth and maturity. 

The taxpayer doles out a large percentage of salary to keep you in bouts of self-pity and unrighteous indignation.  That's the tragedy of politics in this country. I think that even your perception of your role in politics is coloured, or discoloured by the small, narrow world view of the professional victim. What  can you see through your childish tears and snot, beyond the  broken toys?

It's ironic that you even fail to see how privileged you are. Daughter of a regional demigod-politician, with nothing to recommend her for the role,  parachuted into Parliament as a privileged MP.  Dear Honourable Dudu, it doesn't get better than this.  I doubt that your weeping and gnashing of teeth get in the way of enjoying MP privilege.  Accommodation, free flights, cars, generators to bypass loadshedding 

 and every other comfort that the pampered politician has. In this benighted country,  many would sell a kidney for just a fraction of that privilege. 

Of course, there's the strong possibility that the tears of our victims are of the crocodile variety. That the blame and self-pity game is exactly that - a game played with consummate skill between shopping for Luis Vuitton products and other staples essential to the victim / comrade  / revolutionary lifestyle.

This is not an appeal to your reason, conscience or common sense, none of 

which have shone forth particularly brightly.

 So in the words of Simon and Garfunkel: 

Sail on silver girl 

Sail on by 

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on the way. 

And the rest of South Africa tosses and turns through nightmare. 

I suspect that your period of sailing on will not last long, built as it is on the flimsiest of foundations. Enjoy it while it lasts. 

Yours in the struggle to find the mystical balance between victimhood and privilege.

Richard

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Apartheid in the Air

 

“I am sorry, I can't speak isiZulu I am a victim of Apartheid so this is one of the things that happens we don't get to grow up in South Africa and learn our Mother tongue but I'm trying I'm learning” Duduzile Zuma Sambudla-Zuma"

Dear Ms Sambudla-Zuma 

I wholly empathize. 

I could have been a brain surgeon had it not been for Apartheid. Laziness might have played a small part but that's also because of Apartheid. I suppose that I could have worked harder at the science subjects at school but let's not split hairs. As the song, 'That's Apartheid', says:

"When the stuff hits the fan, 

Guess who'll carry the can,

It's Apartheid...."

Perhaps it's not altogether a bad thing, as there's not much demand for brain surgery in South Africa. Judging by the actions and utterances of many South African public figures and their numerous groupies, many, many brains are as good as new - unused. But then again, I could have been a brilliant legal eagle like Mr Dali Mpofu, who would have been knocking them out of the park, were it not for Roman Dutch law. And the judiciary. And, of course, Apartheid.

It's hard work thinking critically, taking responsibility and being honest with oneself. I'm so glad that there's Apartheid to fall back on. It just makes life so simple. That does remind me of another song (tune of 'Love is all Around me'):

I feel it in my fingers 

I feel it in my toes 

Apartheid all around me

And so the feeling goes

Ooh, it's blowing in the wind

It's everywhere I go 

You break your promise to me 

And I break mine to you

Apartheid is the reason

There's nothing I can do 

Your fellow  Zuma praise singer, Prof Moyo,  frequently voids his bow..., pardon, brainwaves, on X. Here's a recent offering:

"President Zuma is truly admirable for his ability to forgive, often extending grace even before it's requested. His daily life echoes the teachings of Jesus, as exemplified in the words: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

President Zuma supported Drip and even after the owner wished him assassination. The President of the people is now working with politicians who insulted him, he simply moved past propaganda. The ethical President Zuma will even give hugs to those who wrote rubbish about him. He sees the bigger picture: It’s about the emancipation of the people and not himself. What kind of a man is this? Indeed Gods greatest gift to SA."

Only true leaders move past slander and hate, focusing instead on unity, progress, and building a future that benefits everyone."

It was an epic struggle to read the entire masterpiece. So hard to concentrate when each line has one howling with disbelieving laughter.

One thing that Apartheid has not succeeded in is to diminish our South African talent for:

1. Talking kak

2. Gleefully inhaling every particle of kak spoken by our heroes

3. Zealously regurgitating said particles of dessicated kak

I am grateful to you, Honourable Daughter, Mr Lesufi and others, who relentlessly hunt down Apartheid in the dark alleyways in which he lurks. Your efforts remind me of the work of Simon Wiesenthal, nazi hunter. I am confident that we will reap the fruits of your heroic labours as crime, homelessness and unemployment become a bad memory because of your work. And the repo rate does whatever is best for the people.

Yours in the unrelenting struggle against Apartheid.

Richard 

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51090259373

O Tichmann 

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