Scavengers: The Movie

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

We South Africans often underestimate our abilities and talents. Who says we can't compete with the best of foreign filmmakers? I'm not referring to the award - winning octopus movie. Let's go bigger and bolder.

I watched several of the Avengers movies. Let me tell you that we can lick them with one hand tied to a food parcel.

They have the X-Men and Thor, god of thunder. We have ex-men and women who have mutated into gods of plunder. In one of the Avenger movies, parts of Johannesburg were destroyed during an epic battle. That's nothing. Our Scavengers destroyed most of South Africa without breaking into a sweat.

Why, by the way, was the attack not reported by the contemptible WMC media? Oh no, too busy attacking heroes of the revolution (the comedy revolution).

Which so-called superhero can bend the minds of millions of people to his will?  Can Captain America flit around the land defying the forces of law and order, gravity, logic and reason? And still be hailed as a hero by many? And that without even a teeny, tin shield. Scavengers rule.

Yours in the struggle for lekker, local epics.

Richard

Trillions

 Dear Fellow South Africans  / Dear Hawks

I was at the ATM (the machine) this morning. While meditating on the glorious deeds of the other ATM (the party), I accidentally entered tweve zeroes on my deposit. It looked like this (listen carefully): R300 000 000 000 000. Anyway, close enough. I wish to make it abundantly clear that this was a perfectly innocent mistake. It has nothing to do with the other twelve-zeroed sum floating somewhere in our own South African Bermuda Triangle.

I can prove that the R300 was legitimately earned by the sweat of my, or someone else's brow and armpits. I have a cash slip for the pre-loved food parcel that I sold.

Nevertheless, I am keen to assist in the hunt for the missing trillions. It sounds more exciting than the hunt for Red October. Incidentally, I was involved in that too - read the book and watched the movie. I have had a great deal of experience in social distancing from bank managers, mashonisas and other risky types. I am therefore familiar with the sort of tricks involved in this type of shenanigan. I believe that the banking world consists of dark labyrinths and catacombs, pregnant with even darker secrets. It's time they were  brought into the light, to quote Mr Zuma or Dr Ace or someone. In the interests of sens.., I mean, truth, I will keep my trusted contact at The Daily Sun updated.

Yours in the struggle for truth, transparency and similar stuff.

Richard 

The Border

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am very concerned about reports of illegal immigrants involved in criminal activities and taking jobs from South Africans. 

For a patriotic South African who knows the words of the national anthem and Jerusalema, this is most disturbing. Of course, it is easy to fly off half - cocked. Do we really know the statistics? Have they been checked by Mr Zuma for accuracy?

It would be grossly unfair for us to be squeezed out of the crim.., I mean, job market by illegal immigrants. 

Are the numbers exaggerated or are we being overrun? I have worked extremely hard to get where I am (Central Johannesburg). Crossing the Limpopo, fighting off crocodiles and border guards (sometimes being unable to tell the difference), was no joke. 

Something must be done and I intend to contact my MP (last seen in the vicinity of Clicks).

Yours in the struggle for proper immigration controls.

Richard

Saafrica: Oliver's Travels Continue

 Dear reader, we took our leave of the Fair Cape with some sadness. However, our spirits were lifted by the sight of vast  numbers of people singing and dancing in the streets. To my astonishment, our guide imparted that they were angry about some perceived injustice. Astonishing, for they danced nimbly and sang most lustily. What, I inquired, did they do when they were merry? The same, replied our guide, notably to a folk song about Jerusalem. We were in no small measure mystified.

The Northern Cape is a rugged region, peopled by a rugged,  but friendly populace. Great storytellers, the cadence of their speech was almost musical to the ear. I was distressed to  note that despite many appearances of a civilization equal to ours, they prepared their meat upon open fires. Still, the victuals were most pleasing to our palates. Indeed, they surpassed even the nationally favoured dish, kayefsee, which our guide had obtained for us on the road. (He explained that many of those who serve the people favour this repast, as it bestows strength and the nourishment necessary to rule wisely).

In the region named The Free State, giants do roam the land. They are partial to a sport in which an oval ball is pursued, then once gathered, immediately kicked away. Closely resembling warfare, it is nevertheless enjoyed by great and small. Little else of interest happens in this region, once famed for great dairy herds.

I shall be at pains, dear reader, to write of our journey through other parts: the fabled City Of Gold (where savage beasts stalk), Durban, Place Of Great Burning and the rest of this land of mystery and magic.

Celebrating Mediocrity

 A student leader was interviewed on SABC TV today. The interview raised two intriguing questions:

1. Is he really a student? 

If so, he clearly skipped Communication and English lectures. I gathered three important facts:

a. The students were unhappy about several things 

b. A hippo wandered down the road

c. The hippo caught fire mysteriously 

2. Is he really a leader?

Of  course, there's the possibility that he, like the hippo, was wandering down the road and took the opportunity to have a quick TV interview. That's the best I can do with one of the strangest interviews I've heard this year.

The interviewer was not a lot better. 'The police opened rubber bullets', was one of his astute observations. I wonder what they found inside them. Rubber?

We are encouraged to report the broadcasting of hate speech, explicit sexual content etc. Is there someplace that we can report the rape of language and commonsense?

Perhaps I'm just a cranky over - 

50, but 'mediocrity' and 'dumbing down' spring to mind as I flick through the national broadcaster's offerings. An alien observing us would be forgiven for thinking that we are preoccupied with dancing, discussing the most inconsequential things to death and giggling at our own inanity. Why does it take the BBC to film interesting, thought-provoking documentaries in South Africa? In the land of Jayzed, Dr Ace, Commander Carl, the ANCient Ones, that's unforgivable.

Hell On Earth

 

Heard the one about the South African who died shortly after getting his new ID document?

"Go right in", says the angel at the Pearly Gates. "You've been to Home Affairs. You've had your share of hell."

Another interesting statistic from our caring government:

'Minister of Public Service and Administration Senzo Mchunu revealed that of the 9 477 senior managers listed on the Personal and Salary System, 3 301 do not have the required qualifications.' 

I pointed out to a friend that this may explain his interesting experience at the hands of the ever - charming, ever - innovative Department Of Home Affairs.  He was strangely unimpressed.

He needed to renew documents. Visit one: the cameras were not working. That should not be a surprise. I suspect that in several centres the staff may not be working. The camera problem was communicated after a suitable waiting period of one and a half hours. Not bad.  

Visit two: between five am and twelve noon, in a different town,  the system struggled on and off like a mini - Eskom. 

Visit three: the experience is ramped up. After a full day's exciting wait, my friend learns that the national system has gone walkabout.

A mangled quote from Julius (no, don't be silly), Caesar; not the other one:

How many times shall this our lofty farce be acted o'er

In other states

And towns yet unknown (what with name changes)?

My friend spotted a head office group and blurted out: "This is hell on earth". A bit exaggerated, I think. Hell can't be this bad, surely. Still, not a bad epitaph for our civil service.

Dogs Of War

 Dear Mr Carl Niehaus 

I love your brand of comedy. Your delivery is  so straight  - faced that many South Africans take you seriously. Their loss.

If an army marches on its stomach, then you have many, many miles in you. Your recent 'honour guard for Dr Ace' routine was a scream. Deft touch having that up - and - coming trooper, Tony, saluting. Students of literature would probably read all sorts of subtle undertones and allusions into it. For me, it was just riotously funny.

Actors often immerse themselves in an experience, so as to give their roles a gritty, realistic feel. There's an opportunity for you beyond our borders. Those humourless fanatics in Mozambique could have their first, real belly - laugh in a long time. You'd probably leave them weak enough for the African Union to mop up with ease. I suggest you take our burlesque version of the Green Berets with you, namely the Red Berets. They also haven't done anything new for a while. Probably straining at the leash.

Nothing like a new routine to inject life into an ailing comedy act. I suggest that you don't take any live ammunition. You could hurt yourselves.

Yours in the struggle for fresh, relevant comedy. 

Richard 

Exam

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

We strive to keep education relevant. Here is a suggested grade twelve final examination paper.

Instructions:

This paper combines all subjects (math, life sciences etc) in one integrated me.., pardon, whole.

Marks will be awarded for creativity, regardless of how nonsensical the content is. This is in line with our national approach to logic, fact, commonsense and everything else. 

1. Discuss the importance of KFC as fuel for law enforcement officers and politicians.  Compare with Nandos with special reference to:

# cost

# taste

# accessibility 

2. Trace the progress of a KFC drumstick from the mouth of a JMPD officer, through his / her digestive system and beyond. 

3. List the advantages of the Eskom approach to finances and reality. (The list may be short).

4. Draw up an Excel spreadsheet, indicating the following tax revenue movements. You may use your imagination freely, as you are unlikely to far surpass actual movements:

*  barefaced theft

* subtle redeployment  of funds

 * losses incurred through laziness and /  or  incompetence. 

* losses difficult to explain, except via a Bermuda Triangle - type phenomenon 

5. Analyse the following verses of poetry:

. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."

Discuss rhyme, metre, imagery and other elements that make this a powerful piece of bulls..., er, literature.

6. The piece above was penned by:

  a. William Shakespeare

  b. Dr Ace Magashule 

  c. Floyd Shivambu (in a lucid moment) 

  d. A raving lunatic

  e. Some of the above

7. State Capture can be described as:

a. A rather large garage sale

b. Just people talking to one another 

c. Just people doing things with one another 

d. The fantastical plot of an outlandish novel written with the express purpose of discrediting one of our more interesting politicians 

8. Geneva was liberated from Switzerland by

a. William Tell

b. Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams 

c. All of the above

9. Being slightly lacking in integrity is no obstacle to membership of an integrity commission. Discuss.

Quote freely from thinkers, such as Jessie Duarte, Tony Yengeni  and other party philosophers.

10. Discuss Mr Zuma's approach to strengthening Treasury, the security cluster and other departments. You may compare and contrast with the strategies of strong leaders such as Robert Mugabe, Emmerson Mnangagwa, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump 

11. 'Such larks (Pip)...' 

Use this line from Dickens's Great Expectations to explore and discuss the exciting times  of Mr Zuma's presidency

12.Compare and contrast the speed and progress of South Africa's revolution with that of Zimbabwe. 

Add a graph to portray the decl..., that is, your findings, visually / viscerally.

13.You are given a choice:

      a. A truckload  of food parcels

       b. A tender to train unemployed youth in the mysteries of state tenders           

       c. A dairy in the Free State 

Explain which option could be optimally milked for profit. Submit your rough work and calculations on the separate sheet of toilet paper provided 

14. Your municipality has been without water for a year. Fortunately, your new budget has been approved. 

 Using the Marie Antoinette approach to social and  economic challenges (let them drink wine), plan your budget function. Google may be used to identify fine wines and whiskies.

15. Enumerate the  benefits of renaming cities and streets in difficult times. Discuss whether this should be extended to people, animals and inanimate objects, and why.

16. Various politicians have threatened to spill the beans. Discuss the nutritional value of beans in a politician's diet

17. South African parliamentarians debated the meaning of the word 'fokol' during a memorable session. Using your knowledge of South African politics and stretching the limits of your imagination, explain:

1. Why this is an appropriate topic of debate for legislators 

2. Why this is a justifiable use of tax revenue 

3. The etymology of the word

4. How Shakespeare could have spiced up specific scripts by using the word as judiciously as did our parliamentarians.

18. 'Ours not to reason why;

        ours but to do and die..'

These lines commemorate:

a. The charge of the light brigade 

b. The charge of the slight brigade - South African cabinet ministers and MPs in recent times 

c. All of the above

I do hope that you do better than the servants of the people in this exam.

Yours in the struggle for relevant, thought  - provoking, manure - free education.

Richard

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