If - The Looters' Version

 Free translation from Rudyard Kipling's 'If'

If you can keep your loot when all about you   

 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust the Cause when all men doubt it,

 But do some spinning for their doubting too;   

If you can take and not be tired by taking,

 Or being criticized, don’t give a toss,

Or being hated, don’t give way to doubt,

And keep on looking  good, and talking wise:

If you can dream—and turn your dreams to moolah ;   

 If you can think—and not let that distract you;   

If you can meet commissions and investigations

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the stuff you've  spoken

Twisted by lawyers to make a trap for you,

Or watch the things you gave your life to get attached,

And stoop and build ’em up with tenders new:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

 And risk it on some nifty German cars,

And lose, and start again on a new tender

 And never breathe a word about your boss;

If you can charm your cronies and constituents 

To serve your turn long after they are done,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in them

Except the Lie which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and know your slogans,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the sticky touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Simply because you know too much,

If all men count with you, but mostly those with bucks;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of looting done,   

Yours is this land and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a party Man, my son!

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The Step Aside Dance Craze

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

It's a good time to be South African. We took the world by storm with the 'Jerusalema' dance craze. 

The 'Step Aside' is bound to be even bigger. What's heartwarming is that our politicians are leading the way with some nifty steps. It's unfortunate that some have been overcome by shyness. We need to try harder to get them onto the dance floor. It's good for health.

The 'Step' incorporates moonwalking, wiggling, jumps, spinning, crawling  - anything goes. Age is no deterrent. Some of our best dancers are senior citizens. And boy, do they move!

The beauty of the Step Aside is that, (like 'Private Dancer'), any old music will do. Best is a lively tune with lots of instrumentals and vocals. But I have seen it performed brilliantly to slower tunes like 'Steal Away' and Isaac Hayes's 'Guilty'. The exception is Bryan Adams's 'Please Forgive Me'. Awkward. Just doesn't have the right rhythm.

I suggest that all South Africans celebrate the New Dusk by dancing the 'Step Aside'.

Yours in the love of South African dance classics.

Richard

Righteous Kill (in defence of Mr Malema)

 Dear Mr Malema 

There's been quite a fuss over the incident below:

"Don’t make noise here, we are here to listen, don’t make noise here. I will f*ck you up outside, I will kill you outside, I will kill you. You do not know me,” Malema is heard saying to a fellow PAP member during a heated altercation"

You have been heavily criticised. Let's look at this incident in perspective. (If the report is accurate and not concocted by one of the bloody agents careering around the country).

You emphasized that you would kill the person OUTSIDE . This is typical of your respectful attitude to parliament. How would it look having a corpse littering the floors of those hallowed halls? And one that had not only been killed but f*cked up as well. Good thinking, sir, even in the heat of an altercation.

I'm totally with you on the noise issue. Psychologists tell us that listening is like oxygen to people dying to be heard. Your record on fighting for the rights of people to be heard speaks for itself. As does your aversion to bullying and hooliganism. I think you've demonstrated this in various parts of the country. If you'll just let me get my records...Hmm, Brackenfell, parliament, Clicks, altercation with policeman... Er, let's get back to that later.

  

You also pointed out that the person did not know you. It is a basic courtesy to introduce oneself to the prospective victim. Can't fault you there, sir. 

You made a sound argument for rotation of the PAP presidency (great acronym). One way to facilitate that is to remove the odd member more or less permanently. It would seem the person in question was decidedly odd. You were reportedly moved to call him a 'thing'.

''Remove this thing from the house. We are not going to sit here and be bullied by this guy," he said.

Sir, we live in difficult, dangerous times. 'The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.' Warms one's heart to see someone stand up for decency, democracy, respect, peaceful discussion. Even if it means f*cking someone up to achieve them.

Yours in the fight for peace.

Richard 

Last Post

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

So The Last Post is playing for the South African Post Office.

I am shocked.

I thought that had already happened some time ago. No-one should be surprised. It's not as if we didn't see the woolly mammoth in the room. Incompetence, poor leadership and management, sleeping at the wheel - surprisingly, they lead, without exception, to collapse. Our government clings to this model. 'Failed state' prophecies should not surprise us. None of this is political science 301. It's 'bite you in the butt' common sense.

Here's more. If you don't know how to do something, ask those who do. If your leaders and managers fail consistently, the enterprise will fail. Replace them. Poor performance is a good predictor of future poor performance. Arrest it. Before it's too late. Case in point.

It would be wrong to say that the ANC led government has failed miserably. 'Monumentally', 'abysmally', 'catastrophically' come to mind.

Singing, dancing, posturing and mouthing pious irrelevancies never fed anyone. I checked on Google.

The other woolly mammoth in the room is: who will go down first, this national albatross or South Africa? Rather like that other philosophical question: which came first...? 

Well, if (when?) it comes to that, I suppose we'll go down dancing to Jerusalema or something. Like the band that played on. 

Opposition parties, can you spare some change?

Yours in the struggle against cynicism.

Richard 

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The Radical Economic Transformation Show

 Dear Ms Myeni 

Great delayi..., sorry, tactical move. I also used the right to an interpreter in an unfair disciplinary hearing. At the time of the alleged offence, I was thinking in German. It just made sense to ask for a German interpreter. After all, how does one express the concept of 'Weltschmerz' in English? 

You mentioned the love that the commission seemed to have for Mr Zuma. What's not to love? We've had some nine years of his charismatic presence and influence. We've contributed to his many adventures one way or another. He has kept us guessing or transfixed or all of the above, for so long. Like the character in the song, we just never can say goodbye. 

I suspect that you will also be coming in for a sizeable chunk of love. I warm up to you more and more with each appearance.  

I don't understand why so many South Africans associate your and Mr Zuma's interesting manoeuvres with reluctance to face the music. So unreasonable. After all, you've made it clear that you don't want to incriminate yourself (who would?). He's made it clear that he wants his day in court and has beans to spill. Just those little obstacles of inconvenient friendships , possible prosecutor bias, illness, national and international spies etc. Perfectly reasonable stuff. I read about that sort of thing regularly in the Daily Sun and espionage and courtroom thrillers.  

I am even now watching (with great affection) Dr Ace, Supraman, Mr Gigaba and others, captured...by news cameras, outside a Pietermaritzburg courtroom. Commander Carl would have added a nice, military presence, smart, as always, in his olive green fatigues. What a great company you all make. I haven't seen anything as exciting since Boswell and Wilkie's came to town. 

Who needs justice, truth, integrity or any of those fanciful notions when we can have thrills. Jobs, safety, education, security, opportunity - those can wait. The show must go on, mustn't it? The crowds outside the courtroom would surely agree. 

Viva, long live and all that.

Affectionately 

Richard 

By The Book

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am outraged. 

I am a voracious reader. I swallow whole the works of such thinkers as Dr Ace, Minister Fearbuggerall and Ms Duarte. The Daily Sun keeps me abreast (no pun intended) of the latest in the twilight world of the undead and things fleshly. Occasional light reading includes offerings from EFF and other ANC luminaries. I've read most of the works of that English chap from Stratford on Avon. The comic book versions have nice artwork. (I particularly like the one of Hamlet leaping from a balcony to despatch the villainous king. Ah, great literature).

Now I learn that this is a highly sought after skill in some government departments (or is it only SARS). I picked this up in a back issue of the State Capture Commission stuff.

And here I have been doing it for nothing.

Ms Mthebule was clearly highly competent. I can see her turning pages swiftly, gracefully, soundlessly. A performance deserving of over R2 million. I can read silently and aloud in five languages, including Wentworth slang. I have a passion for books. My shelves hold a massive collection sourced from various municipal libraries.

Why should I not be offered a similar opportunity? 

ANC government, I await your call.

Yours in the struggle for decent, meaningful jobs.

Richard 

 

Voting With Feet

 Dear Ms Mazibuko

Like many other South Africans, I too, was outraged on viewing the chicken feet video. It showed the kind of poor judgement of which the Party has so often been guilty. Chicken necks would have been a better choice. More meat. Value for money. 

Nevertheless, I commend you for your support of the local economy. 

“ It is known that wherever I go, I buy food in the community to support the local economy. Fat [cakes] are my favourite. But I decided to apologise because there were things said [on the video] that may not sit well with people."

I myself run a fatcake stall. Please let me know when you'll be campaigning in the area. I'll ensure a plentiful supply as you are big on support. Please bring more than R30. The fatcakes are made with eleven secret herbs and spices. A tribute to the other national dish so favoured by the Party.

I have heard of people voting with their feet. Campaigning with chicken feet is a new one. The Party has always been creative. I suppose we can chalk this up as another good story. Then there's the symbolism. In some countries (details to follow), chicken feet are a symbol for hard work: scratching in the dirt, scrabbling around.....

I do hope that you shared the chicken feet in the community. I would guess that you did have other chicken parts waiting back home. A good, wholesome meal after a hard day's campaigning. I trust that the voters were as impressed as I am. 

As for apologizing, whatever for? Honesty in campaigning is refreshing. As rare as an admission at the Zondo Commission. As uncommon as a well-run municipality. Do keep it up. Bon appetit.

One hopes the voters will follow your fine example: vote with their feet.

Yours in the struggle for meaty, transparent election campaigns.

Richard 

Captured

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am writing a unique, South African series for newly open SABC TV. I'm sure that they will be open to airing it. 

The series, working title 'Captured', should rival the BBC's dramatization of 'War And Peace'. Coincidentally, it also features a scarlet  - clad, Napoleon - like conqueror.

I am just a little concerned that audiences may find some of the events far-fetched, even for an epic of this nature.

Without giving away too much of the ever-thickening plot, a brief overview:

A former singer, dancer and comedian turned politician seizes power in an African state. He has a chance meeting with some foreign businessman from a powerful family. Over a spicy vegetarian meal, he falls under the spell of their quick wit and charm.  Working on the premise that the quickest way to a politician's heart is through his stomach and it's immediate environs, the family worms its way into the halls of power.

There are dramatic scenes to rival some of William's work. In one such, the president, about to be deposed, cries out like a rain-drenched King Lear: 'What have I done?' Leavening the drama are some darkly humourous moments. A mixed martial arts contest in the house of parliament is one such. Another is the scene in which politicians struggle to carry a rotund, martyred comrade to the prison gates. "We should have done this on the return journey", one of them mutters.

With something for everyone, the series also has a Bollywood feel. The dancing of the politicians, led by the nimble-footed president, will have you tapping your toes. Jazz tunes by The Brothers make for a memorable score. The horns and pipes are hypnotic in effect. A musical high point is a courtroom scene in which the estranged wife of one of the main characters sings like a nightingale. I still have goosebumps.

There is a bit of everything in the series and a lot of some things. To say more would be telling. Coming to a small screen near you. Suffice it to say that a sequel is a distinct possibility. Waiting, like Hamlet, in the wings is the eloquent son of the deposed president.

Of course, any resemblance to people living, dead or difficult to categorize is a helluva coincidence.

I am still a  little worried that I might have stretched the limits of suspension of disbelief. I'd value your opinions. Will it fly?

Yours in the struggle for original African epics. 

Richard 

 

 

ANC's 'A Wrinkle In Time'

 'Parliament did not have the time, resources or capacity to investigate the early “noise” and “rumours” about the coordinated and wholesale looting of South Africa’s public coffers, Baleka Mbete told the state capture commission on Monday night.'

So says a Mail and Guardian report.

Ms Mbete, fully conscious that the WMC press exists solely to embarrass the Party, I wish to put things in perspective. I too, have not had the time, resources or capacity to do several thing. I've heard noises and rumours about tax season but.... The other day my neighbour was being tortured by home invaders. I was fully occupied with watching a parliamentary debate on open SABC TV. It was about the meaning of the word 'fokol'. A crucial concept in present - day South Africa. To forestall howls of outrage, let me point out that I did take action. I swiftly turned up the sound, as the screams were beginning to distract me from my civic duty. At any rate, Mr Cele, like the gallant World War II forces, is on the beach. 

People do not understand that there are larger issues. As long as William Nicol Drive remains William Nicol Drive, we will flounder in post - colonial economic misery. Already one can see the benefits of renaming Port Elizabeth Gqeberha. After all, who had heard of Port Elizabeth before? I'm sure that the town is now teeming with Japanese tourists, lured thence by the exotic name. Schoolchildren all over South Africa are probably, even now, browsing through Wikipedia for meaning, pronunciation and etymology. The march of progress continues.

Ms Mbete, you continue the good work that you did in the memorable Al Jazeera interview. That had me shaking with uncontrollable mir.., pardon, admiration. You handled such profound issues as when a swimming pool is not a swimming pool with great aplomb. 

Unkind folk sing the 'see no evil, hear no evil' song (I forget what the third one is). I understand that the demanding responsibility of directing difficult parliamentarians to take their seats is as onerous as rearranging deck chairs on a rapidly sinking ocean liner.

Yours in the struggle for perspective.

Richard

The South African Hunger Games

 Let's be frank. Our elections have nothing to do with competence, track record, integrity. In truth, none of those silly relics of colonial thought are relevant. We are about entertainment, showbiz and, er, subtle inducements.

Municipal elections approach. I propose an appropriate format for our times and our beloved country. A showbiz extravaganza that has all the elements that make our elections so special. Televised, this will give the national broadcaster a powerful shot in the butt. Far better than the mindless gibbering about 'open'.

First up would be the game show Family Feud. The ANC should ace that one. 

Braaimasters next, as the contest heats up. The ANC could do roosterbrood, buttered on both sides. Floyd could batter something for the EFF. The DA would argue among themselves about the colour and consistency of the marinade. Skilpaaidjies would nicely symbolize the FF+ march of progress. Toast for Cope.

Politicians Got Talent would have our honourables doing what they do best. Jumping through hoops, magically making stuff disappear, stand-up comedy, song and dance. 

After those exertions, a relaxing Balderdash contest would round things off beautifully.  This popular game involves making up imaginative definitions for various unfamiliar words. The ANC could tackle 'integrity', ' service', 'decency'. For the EFF, add the difficult  'credibility',   'consistency' and 'dignity'.  'Reality' should challenge the DA - for starters. For the rest, 'relevance' should have them puzzling mightily. The climax would be having them all wrap their heads around 'vision' and 'nation-building'.

There you have it, fellow South Africans: The Election Games. Also nicknamed The Hunger Games.

The Real Nine O' Clock News

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I need your help - really.

I awoke from a pleasant dream this afternoon. Dr Ace was apologizing to me for something. He had just handed me a wad of cash and some share certificates for a housing project. A thunderous explosion had me leaping to my feet mid - snore.

There on ETV news was a chaotic battle in mid - Joburg. Friends later told me not to be ridiculous. That it was a Marvel Comics movie. I don't believe that and fully expect to see the video on Yusuf Abramjee's Twitter timeline.

We regularly have little red men marching around causing chaos. We have a farting pastor, two senior citizens hogging headlines for brazenness and buffoonery and much more. There's nothing unusual about a huge green man battling a giant robot, while a fellow in an iron suit flies overhead. Besides, here's irrefutable proof:

1. While Johannesburg crumbled around them, residents went about their business. A little perturbed yes, but not hysterical. I could have

 sworn that I saw two vendors selling magwinyas amidst the mayhem.

2. No - one was arrested. The police fired thousands of rounds and missed the guilty parties.

3. Someone said: 'Bruce Banner will not be arrested'. That's the clincher. None of the people who stripped and destroyed the country have been arrested. That's definitely real South Africa.

I know that you don't usually respond to my requests but please, please make an exception. This is critical. I have a R100 bet riding on it.

Yours in the struggle for real news reporting.

Richard 

Ace In The Hole

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have formed an organisation called Defence of Ace (DA). Our first act is to  clearly prove and show that if anyone should apologise, it is the dark, or rather, pale forces of White Monopoly Capital.

Applying the sort of rational, unemotional approach that a philosopher such as Dr Ace might use, we put the following to you.

Were it not for apartheid and all its attendant evils, we would not be in this somewhat awkward position. In fact, the formation of the ANC would not have been necessary. One could terminate this argument right here. We have exposed the heart of darkness.

However, as the serpent still slithers in our midst (and we need to meet the required number of words for this letter), let us delve deeper.

Our theory, based on various clues not immediately evident to the untrained eye, is as follows. The so-called counter-suspension letter was a devilishly clever forgery. We quote:

"I have also, in accordance with the powers vested in me as the secretary-general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions summarily, suspended the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa (sic)," 

Below is what we believe Dr Ace actually wrote. Note the similarities. So easy for a cunning forger to produce the counterfeit above.

'I have also, in accordance with the responsibility vested in me as the secretary general of the ANC, and furthermore, in full compliance with the relevant conference resolutions, summarily suspended all my activities, deferring to the president of the ANC, Comrade Cyril Ramaphosa.'

Dear fellow South Africans, the Stellenbosch Mafia and others may underestimate our intelligence and vigilance. Study the suspected forgery above. Dr Ace would never use the word 'sic'. Just one of several clues. 

We therefore say: de Klerk, Rupert and the rest, we await your apology.

Yours in the struggle for justice, truth and other good stuff.

Richard 

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Dr Ace's Catch 2021

 Dear Dr Ace

I know you to be a philosopher (honorary turkey..., sorry, Turkish university degree).

Brilliant that you now show us another dimension. What a sense of humour. Reminds me of Major Major Major Major in 'Catch 22'. I suppose we could call this particular satire / comedy Catch 2021. 'Suspense rises as suspended Secretary General suspends president.'

I'm sure we'll be seeing more of this sort of thing as soccer and rugby players fish red cards out of their back pockets. Of course, we need a Catch 22 - type rule to manage suspensions. I suggest the following:

"Any Secretary General of the ANC may lawfully suspend any other member, passerby or likely looking candidate, unless said SG has himself / herself been suspended, in which case the suspension letter must be backdated and accompanied by a picture of the suspender with a copy of the day's newspaper. 

Catch 2021

When a counter-suspension has been issued, the validity of both the initial suspension and the counter-suspension shall be debated and / or decided at an NEC meeting, followed by various other meetings to be decided upon at said NEC meeting. Marches, threats, hysterical outcries and unintelligible statements may form an organic part of the process but will not be taken into account in arriving at a decision. Unless one or both parties decide otherwise.

There, sir, I'm sure that clears it up.

The best form of defence is attack. You have done so brilliantly and with great humour. Better to go out doubled up with laughter. Well done sir.

Yours in the struggle for fresh, original humour.

Richard

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Confessions Down South

 Overheard in a confessional.

"Father, I am a politician."

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"No, father. It's that I redeployed  large sums of taxpayers' money. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"Are you saying that the devil made you do it?"

"No, father. Apartheid."

"What did you do with the money, my son?"

"I gave to the poor, my family. They are no longer poor."

"You must now step aside from this path, my son."

"I'll try, father. It's difficult. As the poet said:

'When I consider how my loot is spent,

E're half my days..'

Second congregant:

"Father, I went on a wild spree: wine, women and song. Can I be forgiven?"

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"Father, I also voted ANC and EFF. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"The evil one?"

"Food parcels, braais, song and dance."

"God sees your repentant heart, my son."

"But, father, despite all that I have seen and experienced, I did it several times."

"Oh, no, my son!"

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With Hindsight

 Dear Fellow South Africans  

The president faced questions about campaign contributions. Surely none of us can escape scrutiny.

I am therefore stepping up to the wicket of my own free will. 

I wish to clarify and explain the circumstances around my campaign to be class president several years ago. My campaign was financed by Bassa's General Dealers, purveyors of fine sweets and confections. This was common practice at the time. Indeed, worldwide, I suspect. I must state categorically that no promises were made or implied. There was no expected quo for the quid. I did recommend Bassa's to classmates but that, too, was common practice. With hindsight, perhaps the full nelson was a persuasive technique no longer appropriate in these more enlightened times.

It was also common practice to lobby for votes on various issues. For example, we defeated a vote of no confidence after some civilized, rational discussion. And negotiating techniques widely used internationally (Sicily, Colombia etc.). Again, with hindsight, things could have been done differently. The soles of the feet are apparently better suited for this sort of thing. That's according to the better espionage thrillers.

We also used cadre deployment. Our deployees, however, were well muscl.., sorry, qualified. Disciplined too, as they never questioned decisions, regardless of how, er, innovative those were.

It's important to point out that policy was never made on Twitter or Facebook. Ours was a collegiate leadership. Besides, we had only Mixit back then.

I am ready and willing to testify at the commission's pleasure. Health permitting, of course. It is flu season.

Yours in the struggle for full disclosure.

Richard 

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