The Peacemakers

 I watched the news last night. No, not SABC TV news. Real news. 

I sat up when the reporter asked his guest who he thought would be Ideal to mediate in the conflict between israel and iran. 'Well, that would be South Africa', I thought. I was

outraged when there was no mention of the beloved country. What with our host of talented diplomats and statespeople. 

I immediately dashed off a letter, accusing those concerned of racism, capitalist, imperialist tendencies and a few other choice maladies. 

What the heck! Do we not have influence in high places?  Did we not drink tea or vodka,  or all of the above, with our good Russian comrades in tense times? Do we not allegedly have excellent relationships with

various liberation organizations in the Middle East and elsewhere? Who else had the  wherewithal to load fokol onto a Russian ship (as per our minister of defense), during said tense moments?

Did we not host Al Bashir and other influential leaders? We would have hosted the Dalai Lama too, were it not for some logistical and administrative difficulties.

Which other country has demonstrated unquestionable neutrality to the extent that we have?

One need only look back at how swiftly and efficiently we resolved the 2021 troubles in KZN. Can there be any doubt that we are the first choice for helping to ease tensions 

and resolve conflict? The relaxed, reasonable exchanges on social media will tell you all that you need to know about our positive, 'live and let live' national philosophy and approach to all mankind, regardless of race, gender or place of border fence crossing.

Didn't our minister of police wisely advise the City of Cape Town officials to get off their high horses and negotiate with taxi

organizations during the taxi violence in that city?  Unfortunately, they did not heed his sage advice and look what happened. I think that relationships between the city and the taxi gentlemen are still strained. All unnecessary. Things would have gone so well if they had simply sat around a couple of buckets of KFC and acceded to the (surely reasonable) demands of those.

peace loving gentlemen, who, I'm sure, just wanted to ferry people around. All would have been sweetness and light today. As I'm confident it will be, once Mr Cele has negotiated with Zama Zamas, the construction mafia, izinKabi, and other important stakeholders. After all,  don't they desire the same things we do, namely, peace, harmony  - and a bit of ill-gotten loot? Ah well, there's no reasoning with some people. 

Our president flew all the way to Ukraine (with attendant hardships of bland airline food, etc.). He endured insolent treatment from the Polish border people (I could have told him that the Poles can be troublesome). All of this was done in the interests of global peace. What did he get in return? Apparently a missile or two while in Kyiv. Nonetheless,  our man soldiered on (in a peaceful manner, of course).

Have we not gone from strength to strength, taking Israel and those murderous people in Sudan and elsewhere to the international court?  Oh sorry, got that a little wrong. We will probably deal with the Sudanese and others a bit later. All lives are important, but we can't do everything at the same time, can we? 

We punch way above our weight, landing fierce jabs and devastating uppercuts, as we dance around global challenges like Ali on steroids. I expect that the global powers will soon realize they made a mistake and come crawling to us for assistance. We will, as always, be magnanimous and forgiving. 

This troubled world needs from South Africa the unique thing that our politicians bring to international diplomacy and troubleshooting. It is elusive, intriguing, mysterious. Perhaps it's best described by the minister's own word: fokol.

Watch this space. Also CNN the BBC and Al Jazeera.. You read it here first. 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Bend It Like Zuma

Dear Mister Zuma.

I wish to make an appointment, please. 

Should I go through Dudu? I am sure that I will find her on X. She probably still calls it Twitter. She still calls you President Zuma, even though it's been a while. I know that you are a man of the people. I am one of the people. 

You see, sir, I have long desired a career in politics. I have been held back by a lack of confidence. However, now that I see your excellency, Julius,  Dr Ace,  Mr Manyi and others romping in the green fields of the South African political landscape, I am encouraged. Anyone  can be a politician in this great country. I think that even Commander Carl and our former public protector have found bottom-hugging seats in the house of parliament. We are nothing if not inclusive. A friend says that it's true: we are nothing. I asked him what he meant and he replied: "To quote several powerful politicians: 'fokol' ". 

But, I ramble  - like the average politician. (My friend says that they are below average. He is beginning to irritate me).

I was somewhat concerned that my history of minor misunderstandings with law and order representatives might disadvantage me. I see that I need not have been concerned at all. Inclusivity reigns.

I am ambitious but not overly so. I would be quite happy to start out as a backbencher. I can disrupt, yell out silly points of order,  boo and sleep with the best of them. The last is not to be misinterpreted, please. It refers to refreshing power nap on the  benches. 

Like all of you, I have a fine line in bullsh...,  pardon, fiery oratory. I understand that a good  mentor is crucial to one's success in politics. Who else has brushed aside a shower of scandals like lint on a collar?  Who else has kept the courts at bay as long as you have?  When I tried to have the judge and prosecutor recuse themselves in my case, I was woefully unsuccessful. Of course,  I did not have the brilliant people's advocate, Mr Mpofu, in my corner. I think that things would have turned out very differently. 

You once posed the chicken-and-egg riddle as to which came first, democracy or the ANC.  Now you have again mesmerized the country with another Sphinx-like riddle, namely, when is a prison sentence not a prison sentence? Not only are you a chess master as your loyal supporters often point out, but it appears that you are also a zen master. 

I look forward to having tea with you, as mister Malema did and drinking from your well of wisdom, as he also surely did. (He's been in fine form, since, despatching cows, breathing fire from his nostrils etc.). 

Your Houdini-like exploits are so fantastical that it is difficult to attribute them to skill, strategy or luck alone. Is there any truth to the stories about the efficacy of crocodile fat and hippo fat?  We can talk confidentially about such things when we meet. 

Sir, we have much in common. I too like a good, belly laugh. I can spin a good yarn. 

Like you, I am a man of the people.  I, too have suffered abuse at the hands of powerful people, for standing up for said people.  Also for brandishing a firearm in a bank. A misunderstanding made much of by malicious people with dark, political agendas. The gun was for my protection. We live in dangerous times in a dangerous country. Who knows what lunatics, villains and thugs one might encounter in a bank. It was a small gun, anyway. I was also accused of being in possession of an illegal firearm. Absurd. Smith and Wesson is a reputable company with a long history of producing fine armaments. 

I was also accused of having wasted nine years, while enjoying the hospitality of the state. A ridiculous accusation made by jealous and malicious persons. I made the most of my time working in the institution's library and involving my housemates in

various entrepreneurial ventures. For the benefit of the people, of course.

 I am due to be released later this month. I was, unfortunately, excluded from the amnesty that benefited many villains and rogues, recently. You might have heard something about that?

Could we then meet to discuss matters of mutual interest and benefit?

Yours in the struggle for politics of service and integrity.

Richard.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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We Care

South african business cares almost as much as our government cares.

Take the banks. We used to endure long queues in the banking halls. Now we endure long queues in the scorching sunshine. Much more a typically South African thing - the great outdoors. 

I know that businesses in South Africa do thorough research on consumer behaviour and preferences, but let me explain. Those unending queues at government departments, they are not by choice. We are forced to stand there all day. We don't like it. We don't get up in the morning and say:

"I know! I'll queue at Home Affairs all day, today. What fun!"

As an aside, I wonder how much the Great South African Queue robs us of productivity. How does it compare to the sterling efforts of Eskom, for example?

My favourite bank, (who shall remain unnamed, save to say that their name begins and ends with the letter 'c'), made improvements to our local branch. Where there were two ATM machines, there are now three. On one of the busiest days this week. one went to sleep and never rose again that day. Still, at least we have three.

One would have thought that an alert supervisor would have called a technician immediately. It can't be nuclear physics, repairing the machines, can it? Then again, who am I to comment? I don't understand the intricacies of the banking business. At least, there was an armed guard next to the slumbering ATM machine. Who knows what a dead ATM might do? Besides, let's cut to the chase: if you have to queue at an ATM, your time is really not that important in the greater scheme of South African things. If it were, you'd be able to jump the queue, like an honourable minister getting her driver's license. 

Someone in the ATM queue complained that there seems to be no planning for busy days. How ridiculous! It's not the business of South African banks to plan around the needs of customers (just as it's not government's). Theirs to bleed...., sorry, build, sustainable business for shareholders (damn these typos!). That includes the investors that Julius encouraged to join our booming economy by whatever creative means come to hand.

Just a word to my fellow ATM users. Folks, the ATM machines have already been programmed and calibrated. There is no need for you to do that. Well, my assumption is that that's the only activity that could keep you at the ATM for an agony of waiting, as the hours tick mercilessly by. After all, drawing or depositing cash takes no more than five minutes for a fully functioning human being. If you don't know, please don't emulate the ANC. Just ask.

Enough negativity.  Dear Spur, the 'unreal breakfast' tag is a good one. You could have used a synonym, such as 'insubstantial' breakfast. At almost fifty seven rand, that's real value for money (somewhere in the world), isn't it? I checked that by preparing the very same breakfast. Yes, it cost the same - for ten people. But let's not split hairs. We'll leave that to Clicks and the EFF. As for Wimpy, your name well describes your special breakfast offering - wimpy.

 

Dear MTN, if you are going to reward users for buying air time and data, then you should do just that. But please do learn about rewards and how they mean nothing until they mean something to the recipient (valence, I think the psychology people call it).  Most of my 'rewards, are discounted offers on airtime and data.  The fact that I have just purchased  airtime or data renders most of them rather meaningless.  Many of those offers looks suspiciously similar to normal, 'undiscounted' rates. That may just be my jaundiced eye and cynical nature. You guys are doing your utmost to make  internet access and communication easier for the poorest South Africans. Like our government, you are doing your bit for education and for the economy.  

I do like your quaintly named 'customer service helpline'. Particularly love the 'If you wish to speak to a living, breathing human being, good luck' option. Okay, not true - but it might as well be.

As for the caring supermarket chains, your almost daily price increases on essentials, are clear evidence of your concern for the drowning consumer. You need the money for those full-page advertisements and jolly TV ads.

We could go on but I hope that these few examples prove:

 

Yes, South African business cares so much that it hurts.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Transformation

 Good news for the Christian church in South Africa.

There is a massive spiritual awakening among honourable members. They are attending church services in droves. Even leading singing and preaching inspirational sermons. 

Who better than those who have lived shining lives of humble service to the people?  In whose mouths a lie dare not dwell. Whose fingers have never caressed a ten rand note earned dishonestly. I wish that I could attend such services. Just the notion raises the gooseflesh on my arms. Could this be the longed-for revival? Surely things are looking up for South Africa (as our honourable leaders look up for guidance).

There will be testimonies of the miraculous, for example, the transformation of South Africa from a colonized mess to the  people's paradise that it now is. What do you mean: what paradise? Do we not have more billionaires than ever before? Do we not have promises of smart cities and bullet trains? Do we not have Tintswalo and state hospitals that rival anything that private health can produce? Did not Mr Malatji, ANC Youth Leader, tell us that the ANC pays us for being born, living, schooling and more? What do you mean, you haven't been paid? Contact Mr Malatji without delay, with your banking details. And PAYE number.

Cynics and unbelievers may retort that all this spirituality coincides suspiciously with election season. What can be done about the unbelieving heart? I suppose it will, like the poor, be with us always. To them I say: the Lord works in mysterious ways. Mr 

Mbalula said " the church is integral to our work". I am confident that we will see this flood of spirituality unleashed post 29 May  - a kinder, gentler South Africa. Can't wait.

So great has been the outpouring, that some MK supporters confused Mr Zuma with a saviour. These things happen in the throes of religious ecstasy.

So moved was I that I sought out some biblical verses appropriate to the time. I found these, purely by happenstance (or divine guidance?).

I trust that our leaders, wise always and freshly inspired, will unravel the significance of these verses for us:

"Show me a righteous ruler and I will show you a happy people. Show me a wicked ruler and I will show you a miserable people".

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Dark Days

Remember when the president said that we should look on the bright side of loadshedding?  

An oxymoron if ever I heard one. A friend said that it was uttered by a ...., but I stopped him before he could go any further. 

This was of the 'your broken leg is hurting now, but you'll appreciate it all the more when it's healed' school of philosophy.

I do think that South Africans should appreciate Eskom more. They've torn us away from television and the plethora of electronic gadgets around us. We have time to Be Present. Time to contemplate the meaning of life  - under ANC rule  - for five more long years.

A gentleman in our area clearly felt that Eskom was not doing enough. In a bout of public-spiritedness, he crashed his car into an electrical substation. This was after a bout with spirits in a public bar. We then had most of Sunday to give over to quiet contemplation of matters spiritual. Quality time spent, we eventually had about an hour of power. Then Eskom came to the party. After all, they couldn't very well leave loadshedding to the public, could they? They had to play their part. Two hours of planned loadshedding followed. We were pleased that it was an organized session this time round. 

Watching 'Chasing the Sun 2' later, one couldn't help but wish that the politicians worked half as hard as the Springboks at tackling the giants that make life in South Africa miserable. But they are out of shape, intellectually, morally, ethically. Many of them do not even know what the game is, let alone have the skills or stomach to play it. The time is long past for them to leave the field to those who can. Unfortunately, they have a large following who know even less about the game and often mistake posturing for performance.

Unless there is a great awakening, the minister of electricity will dance on and the energy minister will growl and mumble on. Only the lights will not go on.

We will continue to sit in quiet contemplation. In darkness.

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O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Wisdom of Collen Malatji

ANC Youth League leader Collen Malatji says “the ANC pays you for being born, pays you for living, pays you to go to school, pays you to go to university and gives your mother water and electricity”.

Dear Mr Malatji

I see that I have been horribly shortchanged. Could I please have my payment now for being born. I have checked my Capitec savings account several times since reading your uplifting message, but, so far, nothing, nada. dololo. Are you sure that you guys have the correct account details? I've included them below, just in case your database is not up to date. That would be a surprise as we all know that ANC spells efficiency.

As for being paid for living, had I known that, I would not have slaved to stay just over broke for so many years. I suppose that the large chunks that SARS hewed out of my salary were for that purpose. I'd like to collect now, please, having lived almost three score years and ten. Where do I sign up? Not Home Affairs or Labour, I hope, as I've also spent a goodly portion of those years queuing at those fine establishments. Often to no avail, as the staff have to go home sometime.

Yes, I'll be pleased to be paid for my school years. They were boring in the extreme and of little value in the real world. Bartholomew Diaz, his fascinating sea voyages notwithstanding, was not helpful in the acquisition of jobs, loans or anything really useful. Now had we been thoroughly schooled in technical skills, things would have been very different. I refer to the life skills that make the world go round. A practical, useful syllabus would have included:

* Strategies and tactics for life without water and electricity 

* How to make, keep, switch and discard friends in high, political places and low lucrative places

* Starting your own political party for profit

* Living off the fat of the land in lean times

And much more of the good stuff

Adding insult to injury, we did not have the benefit of being allowed to pass some subjects with a 30 percent score. I don't see why not. Some of the thirty percenters are managing our country quite efficiently - aren't they?

I paid back my university loan with interest.  Why did those cunning bankers not tell me that it had already been paid by the ANC? I plan to sue them just as soon as I can get hold of Mr Mpofu. I think he's done with that futil..., I mean, difficult case for Mr Zuma.

As for water and electricity for my mother, she has passed on, but I certainly could do with some water and electricity for myself. There's not been much of either, though you couldn't tell that from the  bills, which are remarkably regular and consistent.

I know that the ANC has itself had some trouble with bills (for wages, suppliers etc.) but I'm very pleased that they've not been tempted to dip into their fund that "pays you for being born, pays you for living, pays you to go to school, pays you to go to university and gives your mother water and electricity”. 

That's integrity.

Yours in the struggle to ensure that voters are grateful for ALL that the ANC does.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Vladimir, Well Done!

Dear Mr Putin

Congratulations on winning a tough, grinding election battle. That was close.

I am satisfied that your elections are as free and fair as the ones held in Zimbabwe. 

I understand that the other three candidates gave you a run for your money. Our ANC government is facing opposition from some two hundred or so parties (we don't play here). Fortunately, their supporters are just as blindly..., pardon, solidly, loyal as yours. It's something to see unforced loyalty based on affection, respect and recognition of a track record of integrity,  honourable behaviour and competence. 

It's admirable that you were able to soldier on despite the death of Mr Navalny, which must have weighed heavily on your mind. What with your being that rare creature  - the sensitive, caring statesman. You remind me so of our own Mr Zuma, who is all for corporal punishment and other enlightened reforms.

I noticed that a few people, carried away by the euphoria of participating in free and fair elections, ruined ballot boxes and set stuff on fire. I'm sure that this was all just in high election spirits. You know: voters will be voters. Suspended sentences and some meaningful community service should sort that out. I'm thinking, clearing snow and ice, healthy outdoors work - that sort of thing.

We, too, have had some high jinks by politicians and public figures that went too far. All the way to commissions of inquiry, for example. We elected not to take a primitive, punitive approach. (We're way past that sort of medieval thinking). Instead, we redeployed, promoted, supported, in a cutting edge approach to discouraging criminality and fostering responsibility and accountability. To my knowledge, it's been a stunning success. We have people alleged to have been villains, scoundrels and out and out rotters now in many positions of high responsibility. One should never write rotte..., I mean, people, off. Does one's heart good to see the most modern reform and correction initiatives in action. I have no doubt that we will soon taste the fruits of our reform initiatives. Perhaps just as soon as our parliamentary speaker returns from special leave and we defeat loadshedding (which should be anytime soon  - or just now, as we say in South Africa).

So, I trust, Mr Putin, that you will take a leaf out of our African book, just as we have often done with yours. After all, are we not both important, impactful actors on the global stage? There you are, striving to bring peace and harmony to various parts of the world, using every means at your disposal: diplomacy, drones, rockets, mercenaries. And here we are, er, doing our best. Incidentally, our minister of defence said that we supplied you with fokol when your ship docked here. With all the demands being made on your military and other personnel, you may be running low by now. Please know that we have an inexhaustible supply of fokol to give and your ships are welcome any dark night.

Yours in the struggle for free and fair elections, even when outcomes are pre-determined.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723