Friends At Court

 Dear Ms Zuma-Sambudla

Thank you for the invitation below (by tweet):

We Will See You All Tomorrow In PMB… https://t.co/Qg750fh9Yt

It's to your father's court appearance in Pietermaritzburg. Nothing like an exciting court case to kick the week into life.

Did you really mean all? I have a large, diverse group of friends, some from Afriforum, the DA and various Stratcom and WMC - aligned groupings. We will certainly be there. I take it there'll be dancing. A vigorous knees-up is always good for circulation and getting a positive mood going.

At the risk of being pedantic, you did omit an adjective in the invitation. I realise that space is an issue on Twitter and perhaps you could not fit in the word 'former'. 

I need to ask a couple of favours. Please give us an update on your father's health, closer to the hour. He's been looking forward to his day in court for some time now. Prolonged excitement and anticipation can take a physical toll. That's according to Google and my copy of 'Medicine For Dummies'. I'd hate to make the trip only to find out that he hasn't.

Please also share the itinerary for speakers. Dr Ace tends to use up many words to say little. I'll pass on his contribution. I do enjoy Commander Carl's rant..., sorry, oratory. He reminds me of another fellow, name now forgotten. I think he was a keen horseman. Not that they had much in common. It's just that they are both white, with exquisite taste in camouflage gear. and the gift of oratory.

Of course, the former president's address is certain to be the substantial icing on the cake. One looks forward to jaw-dropping revelations about conspiracies, spies, traitors, plotters and a delicious assortment of villainous types. I can hardly wait.

I read that Pietermaritzburg has become a dirty, dangerous city. It's reassuring that Commander Carl and several other military people are bound to be there. Makes one feel safe.

I gobble up your tweets. One does have to re-read them sometimes to fully grasp the subtle, profound messages. I look forward to seeing you in the flesh.

Yours in Solidarity.

Richard 

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Africa For Africans

 Dear Battalion 54

First, I congratulate you on your interesting Twitter handle. 

Obviously a fighter to your molten core. Nice, warlike monniker. Was this perhaps the battalion you fought in? I'll fall in alongside you on our next march on a school or old age home and we can swap war stories. 

It's a pity that South Africa now needs good administrators, legislators and skills other than singing, dancing and fighting. I do think there may be opportunities in Mozambique, among others.

I was quite taken with your tweet about Gayton McKenzie.

"He can't even speak any African language, he calls himself a mix race but both his are Black and he has a nerve of trying to chase Africans from Africa." https://t.co/euITkpjrAW

I'm sure there's a correlation between being able to speak an African language and competence and other good things. Perhaps we can research that between marches. 

He calls himself 'a mix race'? Most odd. I would have thought that he calls himself Gayton. But then again, to each his own. I knew a guy, perfectly normal in every other respect, who preferred to be called Big Ears. Then there's a bloke who likes to be called CIC. Takes all kinds, Mr Battalion.

You mentioned that both his ...(word omitted)  are black. Would that be his hands? Or his feet? Or were you just being polite? I'm not sure how this fascinating fact fits into your astute analysis. Very observant anyway.

If Mr McKenzie is trying to chase Africans from Africa, he has a mammoth task on his hands. Where does one start: the Horn, East, West, Central...? I rather doubt that they'll want to go anyway. I agree that it's a nerve, trying to chase, for example, Liberians off the continent. Mr McKenzie has some explaining to do.

Thank you for a lucid, thought-provoking post. As the rose grows with each deposit of fresh, steaming manure, so I grow each time I read. This is the sort of stuff that will make South Africa great again.

Yours in the struggle to keep Africans on the African continent.

Richard 

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Nothing But The Truth

 Dear ANC

I address this letter to your great organization in general, as I'm not sure who's in charge right now. It's all a bit confusing.

I am disappointed that you have not responded to my application for a cadre position. Nevertheless, like Mr Zuma, Dr Ace and other struggle heroes, I live by the dictum: 'If at first you don't succeed...'

Perhaps I need to be more specific as to where my not inconsiderable talents may best be employed. (These come accompanied by that quality so rare today: humility).

I notice that you have set the bar very high. Still, I have the experience, ability and aptitude to serve on your integrity committee (or one of them). You have a backlog. I have the skills.

I performed similar duties in a non-profit institution. Among other things, I chaired the Prisoners for Integrity and Service to Society club (PISS). Having spent much time among interesting and complex characters, my skills at surgical extraction of truth are legendary. 

Just an interesting side note. Because of the regard in which my talents were held, I was carried shoulder-high to the gates of the institution. By police officers. Is that the whispering of fate or what?

I reluctantly took my leave of the institution for reasons related to health. I am available as early as tomorrow

Just one question: are you now in a position to pay salaries again?

Yours in the struggle for integrity, truth, justice and quality t-shirts.

Richard 

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The Candidate

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Like Ms Sisulu, I had a somewhat long overdue awakening. 

I dreamed that we were dining at my favourite restaurant, The Humble Pie. We had just concluded an animated exchange about apologies and retractions.  Being concerned about the poor, and aware of my strivings as a struggling,  would-be writer, Ms Sisulu was giving generous advice on the temptations and pitfalls of plagiarism.

Just then, a savage ray of Durban sunshine dissipated my dream but I awoke to the realization that I am in the wrong business (wishful thinking and idle speculation). "I coulda been a contender", I muttered as I struggled from the depths of sleep.

My natural home, I now realise, is in South African politics. That dream confirmed what the universe (or at least the solar system) has been whispering to me all along. Please support my candidacy for the following reasons.

At college drama classes, I was told that I was a dancer of no mean potential. One important box ticked. My acting, I was told, was a little overwrought. A definite advantage on the SA political stage. I've also been told, at various karaoke bars, that I can carry the odd tune. I wish that I had paid more heed to the school counsellor who said that I was a little politician.

No stranger to the grittier side, I have been escorted out of several rugby stadiums. All, of course, in the cause of ethical, responsible protest. I will not tolerate questionable referee decisions against the home town side. It's called integrity. I think that you begin to see the culture fit. I can disrupt council or parliamentary sessions with the best of them.

Nothing if not proactive, I have already penned several carefully thought out attacks on colonial clerks (and indeed, clerks in general), as well as apologies and retractions. (Just in case...). I did make use of plagiarism-tracking software. I am ready to enter the fray. 

Yours in the struggle to serve.

Richard

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Malemanastics

 Dear Mr Malema 

People call you a flip-flopper. I call you flexible. You have the dexterity of one of those trained-from-birth Russian gymnasts.

A good politician must know the perfect moment to alight from the beam. To rapturous applause. And upraised scores of ten from your mesmerised followers.

I am not surprised that you are now checking out restaurants for compliance with labour laws and opportunity for South African jobseekers. This after allegedly encouraging people to find creative ways to enter South Africa. Hey, what's a mind for if you can't change it from time to time? Or when the pressures of the times demand it? I fully expect you to join Afriforum at some point.

I myself like to keep an open mind. That's why I have a hollow skull on my nightstand.

I find your approach very balanced and equitable. You have both praised and condemned every public figure available for praise and condemnation. An even-handed approach; stroke with the left hand and klap with the right. 

George Orwell must have known someone like you. In 'Nineteen Eighty-Four', Eastasia, Eurasia and Oceania were friends one day, enemies the next and at war in between. That's you to a T, sir. You've also been known to do the four-legs-good, two-legs-better thing, from 'Animal Farm', with consummate skill. 

A politician's politician.

Yours in the struggle to stay ahead of the game.

Richard 

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Clowns And Asses

 Dear Voters

Some people call you stupid for voting in representatives whose talents are summed up in dancing, singing and hurling abuse. 

I am horrified. Thats unfair. Stupidity has its limits. You have removed the brakes, barriers and guardrails. The disruption  of the recent Johannesburg City Council meeting reminded me of these two proverbs:

Chinese proverb: 'Do not put an ass into a horserace'. 

Old Russian proverb: 'A clown may entertain the troops but you put him in command at your peril.' 

You have done both. 

A day's work lost. The clowns and the asses will be paid. You won't.

Someone suggested that citizens should arm themselves with sjamboks and help the performers dance. A novel idea but dangerous and illegal.

Still, just from an aesthetic point of view, interesting to imagine. One can picture the nimble footwork getting nimbler, the high-stepping rising higher and those high notes being hit at perfect pitch.

No, get behind me, satan. 

Sorry, must be the curried chillies I had at lunch.

Yours in the struggle for just the teeniest bit of commonsense.

Richard 

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It's The Constitution

 Dear Ms Sisulu

Your article is interesting. It is so chock - full of ironies, contradictions and absurdities that it could gainfully occupy political science or English students for a good half hour or so. What is revealing is a swift tour of your career, from your swearing in (remember that oath?), through your forgettable contribution over 27 years, to your interesting actions and decisions. (Your Human Settlements activities, your discovery of Cuban talent etc.).  That  makes your Damascus moment about as worthy of debate as an episode of Uyajola. 

Of course one has the freedom to write or plagiarize whatever one likes. Within the bounds of the law. It is a little awkward when you saw at the branch you've been perched on for so long. Quite comfortably.

Only one thing irks. After touring the corridors of power in various government departments for 27 years, is this your best? 

'The constitution and the judiciary ate my homework.'

Yours in the struggle for relevance.

Richard 

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The Humour Of Gwede Mantashe

 Dear Mr Mantashe 

It just pours out of your mouth, doesn't it - the wisdom, I mean.

'ANC chairperson Gwede Mantashe said on Friday he was opposed to the prosecution of leaders of the ruling party implicated in the Zondo commission..... Mantashe said the report should rather be used to review ANC mistakes and rebuild the organization.' (Mail & Guardian).

Unfortunately, there are some minor problems with this proposal, which would otherwise have been as brilliant as the January midday sun in Durban.

 A friend, convicted of redeploying several cars, used the very argument to no avail, just before his sentencing. I suppose, taken to its logical conclusion, it could empty the gaols of murderers, rapists and the like. And fill the cemeteries and hospitals.

In the twenty-seven years of your party's glorious rule, we've seen little appetite for reviewing, renewing or rebuilding - anything. A little-publicized scientific discovery in Wentworth, Durban, revealed that an absence of skaam cells in the body makes such renewal impossible. We've seen promotions, deployments and redeployments, instead of dismissals. In less developed societies, disgraced officials tend to keep a low profile. But we are a society free of the evils of discrimination. No stigmas here. Proud to be South African.

The composition of your integrity commission (richest of ironies) is a joke that only the ANC missed. 

I quote again:

"What do you think the ANC is, Father Christmas? I don't know where this notion comes from that we are a collection of individuals who have conscience. We are members of ANC in a party political system." (Your words)

'Wise words, sir. Proven true. The absence of conscience, collective or otherwise, has been amply demonstrated through the years' (My words)

Sir, to give any serious thought to your proposal, even for a nanosecond, would require a childlike faith that:

Pigs are perfectly capable of flight

Leopards can have a makeover

Wolves can, with a little persuasion, convert to a vegan diet

I can only conclude that your famous sense of humour was in play and that your rather clever joke has been misunderstood.

Yours in the struggle for fresh humour.

Richard

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Wenzeni uZuma?

 Dear Mr Zuma

Just this morning I awoke from restless sleep, muttering "Wenzeni uZuma?" (What has Zuma done?).

I'm hoping that the newly released Zondo Commission report will help me answer that question. I was alarmed and dismayed when 'The President's Keepers', 'Enemy Of The People' and books in similar vein landed in the bookstores. Fortunately, you explained that those were novels. Wonderful imagination, that Pauw chap. And the other authors.

I am currently immersed in the SAA portion of the report. It sounds as if business and governance were much more fun on your watch. I was enthralled by the account of the Jet Airways meeting. The report finds it odd that the minister would wait for two hours for the Jet Airways person, then sit silently, while that person behaved inappropriately toward his staff member. Easily explained:

1. Part of the humble, man-of-the-people approach, brilliantly modelled by your august self.

2. Mr Gigaba was probably simmering, fuming and also a little pissed off. He wisely chose not to speak. As he could not trust himself. Until he had calmed down. By which time, the meeting was over. Had he been blessed with your musical talent, he would quite probably have called, in song, for his machine gun.

You will have noticed, sir, that I am already poking holes in the report. I intend to continue, intermittently diving into your book for inspiration. 

A rather large number of people testified at the commission hearings. The pages of transcribed oral evidence and the documentary evidence run to numbers that I would not trouble you with, sir. Adept though you are in reading the stories that the numbers tell. Nevertheless, sir, those of us who prize loyalty will continue to support you. Though Birnam wood be come to Dunsinane.

Just a couple of points before I return to scrutinizing the report.

I don't know whether you listed the illuminati and George Soros among the forces of evil arrayed against you. If not, now would be a good time.

 I do hope that your second book will be coming to a car boot near me anytime soon. I'd like to offer you a signed copy of my own book, 'Dear Mr Zuma'; fulsome in praise, staunch in defence. Unfortunately, I do have to charge (It's January), but just a fraction of the R1000 you were asking. Say, three quarters.

Yours in the struggle for justice, truth and a buck or two.

Richard 

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Gutted

 Dear Mr Ndlozi

"Whatever the cause! Whatever the intentions: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FIRE"

We all know that schoolboy who shouted out the first thing that came into his mind.  Debating the inanity of 'brain farts' is as pointless as discussing the dangers of nyaope with an addict.

You are a big boy now. And a legislator. With that come some responsibilities. First among them is to ensure that your brain is in gear before your mouth speeds off. 

A TV news reporter said that the chamber was gutted. We, South Africans, are all responsible for that. The gutting began when we voted for representatives whose sole talent lay in regurgitating desiccated chunks of useless doggerel. It continued when we re-elected them after each orgy of buffoonery and destruction. Gutted, indeed. 

Your PhD is often mentioned, as if that should be some assurance of commonsense. I can only quote: 

'The prime contribution of many 'educated' people on our continent has been to support demagogues, buffoons and thugs in speeding us down the excrement- coated slide to ruin.' 

The waste of our tax rands aside, it must surely be difficult being in a position where you are so manifestly out of your depth. I feel for you. 

One can but pass on the advice given by the HR gurus: 'Play to your strengths'. Isn't there a good circus somewhere...?

Yours in the struggle to find logic and commonsense.

Richard 

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Great Balls Of Fire

Dear Fellow South Africans 

This is a first for the House of Parliament. For decades we have had heat without light. Today we've had both.

I was devastated at the thought of priceless treasures being incinerated. Bottles of Klipdrift, Johnny Walker... Please tell me that the bar was saved.

There's the usual, wild speculation about the cause of the fire. MERDE (Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies) has already been hard at work. Unlike the sprinklers. What I am about to reveal may shock you. And the president. Let me make it clear that neither waterboarding nor continuously looped tapes of ANC speeches played backward will ever induce me to reveal my sources.

I have it on very good authority, and can now reveal, that oxygen, heat and fuel played a major role. All that remains (apart from piles of wet ash), is for us to identify the source of each. Our report will be ready at the same time as the Zondo Commission report and the comprehensive report on the twelve instigators (known in some quarters as The Filthy Dozen).

 

The only good to come out of this disaster is that two of my heroes have been vindicated. 

The curfew should have remained in place. I'm sure that Mr Cele was moved by the mystical intuition common to the professional policeman, when he issued his stern warnings. It would not surprise us to learn that loiterers were responsible. Probably playing loud Gqom music on ghetto-blasters to mask the noises of their mischief-making. 

We should have taken a leaf out of Mr Zuma's book. Not the car-boot edition. An olympic - sized fire - pool may well have saved the day. 

Too late for recriminations and regret. But let's have them anyway. 

Yours in the struggle for health, safety and the protection of the environment.

Richard

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