KZN Calling

 Dear Voters

I had an epiphany, an awakening, a life-changing experience, in the early hours of this very morning. 

A blinding flash of light (which turned out to be the Durban sunrise) burst upon my Netflix-quality dream of running battles with zama-zamas and sinister CIA agents. A voice, distinct and distinctive as that of Gwede Mantashe, intoned: 

"Arise and take your place in KZN politics".  I arose.

That's not really how it happened. But I'm as entitled to flights of imagination as are my hero-politicians. Writing is a wretched, thankless business and I have  decided to do something more lucrat..., I  mean, meaningful, with my life. I sense a calling. 

I notice that positions of influence and power in KZN and in The Party are 'ripe to harvest', so to speak.  Also that young, old (mainly old), adored, despised and hitherto unnoticed are all piling in.

I know that the bar is set very high in KZN. I have not been involved in interesting transactions involving millions and billions, yet. Nevertheless, I do meet and exceed the other criteria. I understand them to be, among others:

1. An extremely colourful track record. A dismally colourless one will also suffice.

 2. A genius for obscuring a zero (or minus) contribution to the well-being of one's constituents with many, many cliches, slogans and acronyms 

3. The mystical ability to state the obvious with the gravitas of an Old Testament prophet.

4. A gift for calling day night and night day with such evangelical fervour that the converts and acolytes are overtaken by transports of ecstasy. 

5. An absence of skaam cells so dire that it would kill a normal human being.

6. A sense of entitlement that would put medieval royalty to shame.

My time has come to cross the Rubicon and the Tugela. As is customary, I shall first seek wisdom from Mr Zuma. As is customary, I  shall then ignore it. 

In Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, O'Brien tells Winston that "We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness".  This may be my final 'Scuffle' article but I expect that we shall meet in the place where there is no light.

Yours in the struggle not to be poor (acknowledgement to the comrade who coined this inspirational slogan).

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Dr Ace And The CIA

 Dear Dr Ace 

You revealed that the CIA is colluding with certain parties against you.  People made fun of you. 

I am not surprised (at the allegations and the mockery). I, too, was made fun of when I explained to teachers that the CIA had stolen my school report  (due that afternoon). There are no depths to which these people will not stoop. Did they not once contemplate a plan to make Castro's beard fall out?  You can google this, sir. That is why I support you in the face of ridicule, as unflinchingly as Commander Carl supports Mr Zuma.

'Why would the CIA be interested in Ace', 

'Delusional' were some of the comments from twitterati. How deceived, naive and ignorant our people are! Someone even suggested that the CIA has never heard of Dr Ace. Ha!

Let me tell you that there is intense, almost obsessive interest in and scrutiny of South Africa abroad. I am convinced that between salvoes, Russian and Ukranian troops hurriedly tune into 5FM and other radio stations. To get the latest on Zuma, Malema, Mr Fraser, you and Commander Carl.

This tweet from Kim Heller, (a seeker after truth), is most enlightening:

'Malema is seen as a leader of significance, if not a future President. “I love brother Julius Malema, he is a celebrated figure here in the States” says Uncle Phil, the host of African Diaspora News, a television news platform, in the US.'

There, huge interest in our little land and our big heroes!

Not content with taking the word of Kim's Uncle Phil, I called some friends in Texas.

"Oh, yeah, he's bigger than Big Tex at the state fair. After oil and cattle, he's the talk of the town right about now, ol Julio Maylema."

Now, if the CIC of some ragged ground forces attracts that much interest, how much more a philosopher-president-in-waiting, with expertise in dairy farming and asbestos mega-projects?

Sir, have you experienced any of the following: 

Unusual drone activity around your residence and place of work,

Bumping into specific people several times in various supermarket aisles,

Strange noises on your cellphone?

As, I'm sure, Mr Fraser would agree, there are no coincidences in our business.

Stay strong.

Yours in the struggle against foreign espionage agencies.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Gone Too Far, Too Far (Tune of Que Sera, Sera)

 It was way back in ninety-four

I asked my buddies what do you see?

Will we be happy, will we be free?
Here's what they said to me

Well, so far so good
It's up to the ANC
The future is ours, you see
Jobs and trip -BE

As time went by and things went south
I asked my buddies what lies ahead?
Will there be rainbows some far-off day?
Here's what my buddies said

Don't give up too soon
Have faith in the ANC
The future's still ours you see
Grants and trip- BE
Just hang on, you'll see 

Now, as the learned lawyer said
Everything's effed up, toe to the head
My buddies ask me, is there some hope
I tell them patiently

Corruption, trip-BE
We're stuck with the ANC

The future's catastrophe
With the ANC
So bizarre, bizarre
Gone too far, too far

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Justice For Zuma

Dear JGZuma Foundation (Official)

"Will the accused please stand," ordered the white-bearded judge, his voice quavering as he clung onto his desk for support.

"He can't, Your Honour", wheezed the defence advocate, leaning heavily on his walking stick (tastefully decorated with latin legal phrases). 

The accused lolled back in his chair, mumbling. I caught snatches: "I know nothing, nothing, nothing" , "WMC counter- revolutioniaries" and the like.

The year was 2040 and we had been playing out similar scenes for some twenty years or more. 

This is the stuff of the nightmares that have been haunting my troubled sleep for months now. Until this your reassuring statement below, for which I am grateful:

'Let's debunk the Myth, Lies and Propaganda.

There's no such thing as 783 charges. It's only 18 Counts.

Let's start with the 1st six.'

#WenzenuZuma

Thank heavens it's only 18 counts. That's nothing. I know of people who've had far more charges - nineteen, twenty...

At least there's a chance that this merry -go  - round might actually come to a stop this century.

I know someone who was found guilty on a mere two charges. I thought that was rather vindictive. The prosecutor was aggressive and antagonistic. A friend told me that that's what his job requires. I find that to be typically colonialist - inspired thinking. I don't see why we can't all be friends. 

I also suspected that the judge might have been captured by a WMC - Stratcom - Rupertist - Gordhanist type coalition. That brought me to the epiphany that our constitution needs changing. I think this Phala Phala inspired nonsense of harassing a giant of RET over a mere 18 charges is....nonsense. Is the constitution not for the people? Who better typifies and symbolizes the struggles of the ordinary South African? I picture him, floating on his back in the fire pool, agonizing over my and your burdens and struggles.

And whatabout Donald Trump, with over four thousand lawsuits even before he became president? An excerpt from USA TODAY:

An exclusive and ongoing USA TODAY analysis of legal filings across the United States finds that the presumptive Republican presidential nominee and his businesses have been involved in thousands of legal actions in federal and state courts over the past three decades. They range from skirmishes with casino patrons to million-dollar real estate suits to personal defamation lawsuits.

And the Stratcom / Stellenbosch Cosa Nostra / WMC puppets, running dogs and spies want to make a fuss over eighteen charges! Disgraceful.

I look forward to seeing you dismantle and demolish those charges with the speed, efficiency and effectiveness with which we tend to demolish things in South Africa (infrastructure, institutions etc.).

Yours in the struggle for justice.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Learn From South Africa, Mr Putin

 Dear Mr Putin

I am dismayed at the rather dismal performance of your mighty army. 

Trains are still running in Ukraine. They have electricity more often than we do here in South Africa. Most railway stations have not been destroyed. There is no cable theft or rampant looting. I mean no disrespect but you guys have done a piss-poor job.

Then there's your propagand..., I .mean communication. It's crude, unsubtle and humourless. Our national broadcaster slips in jolly chunks of Party doggerel and Party shenanigans regularly and everyone here thinks it's regular news.  It's done with subtlety and style. You could learn something.  

Our politicians can talk the most bizarre gobbledygook  under the sun to rapturous applause and acclaim. Add some rhythmic dancing and a thrown bone of a t-shirt, a food parcel, a braai, and they are feted like rock stars of Southern African politics. One of them once tweeted about having landed, not on, but in the moon. The sort of utterance  that lands people in  institutions for  long spells. He's still in his ministerial job of covering up potholes in the roads or something. True story. Another displayed alarming ignorance of the differences between killing and dying. That would disqualify anybody from a job as a dog-walker, let alone a member of parliament. Our hero is field marshall, (or some equally absurd title) of a populist party, where his acolytes revere him as the Vikings did the Norse gods. Mr Putin, you have a lot to learn.

What's really noteworthy, for your circumstance, is that our lot destroyed an entire country without firing a single shot in anger. 

Sir, you really should get in touch with our chaps. I'm sure they'll be delighted to help. You are held in warm regard in some quarters  - I think it's your bubbly personality and keen sense of humour. Some, I suspect, think of you as The Great White Father Across The Sea.

Yours in the struggle for military and political ascendancy.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Black Hole

Dear Mr President 

It's so unfair that so many people made fun of your pothole closing ceremony. I was inspired. I see it as symbolic of your covering up..., I mean, covering the yawning chasms into which our taxes have been tumbling these past twenty-eight years or so. 

I experienced a similar, if slightly less electrifying thrill, when I saw Mr Cele confiscate liquor from a desperado at a roadblock during lockdown. People do not understand the long game. Liquor here, a surfer there, a gqom music aficionado.... all building up to the day when he proudly parades a crestfallen  gang of mass murderers. And they shrink at the lash of his tongue.

Similarly, sir, it begins with a pothole ceremony, a community tap unveiling, a toilet ribbon-cutting ceremony, a flag monument... You were at the wheel of a piece of pothole repair machinery. I looked beyond that moment to the day that you will be seated in the caboose of a bullet train, bright smart-city lights  winking in the distance. Loadshedding permitting.

Sir, you may not be moering the ball out of the park, as in a twenty-twenty game. This is a five day (read thirty year) contest. A block here, a leave there, a stroll down the wicket to chat..the game drags..., sorry, goes on.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one filled pothole. Some people complain that you should be spending your time on really important things. What could be more important than a glorious photo opportunity? There have been so few. As the 2024 elections approach, can we expect Time Magazine quality photos of MPs and cabinet ministers helping senior citizens across the street? 

Yours in the struggle against potholes and, er, ass ....

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723