Oh Capitec, My Capitec

Dear Capitec 

Like many other pensioners, I was thrilled at the recent whopping increase of R10 on my state pension. I suspect that many tears of joy were shed countrywide.

I think that the parliamentarians, having received their own little increase, were then moved with compassion for senior citizens. What would we do without this government?

Like many other pensioners, I am constantly on the lookout for opportunities to supplement the generous government grant. I found an outfit online that paid for reviews. They paid promptly. 

My joy at this discovery was short-lived. I woke one morning, ready for another fruitful day, only to find my Capitec account studded with zeros. Three phone calls later, I was told that there had been a complaint against the company. It was designated a scam / Ponzi scheme and all accounts had been stopped. Now,  it would have been useful to have been told this upfront. I know that guessing is more fun,  but I would have thought that being number one implies excellent service, which in turn implies excellent communication. But then again, I suppose I have some outdated ideas. This is, after all, South Africa. 

The service model pioneered by our government and enthusiastically emulated by many businesses is the famous 'Bugger The Customer' model. Following the advice of your Fraud Department, I had an affidavit drawn up at the local police station. This I took to your branch and the person who attended to me assured me that it had been loaded onto your, no doubt, magnificent system. 

I was told that there would be a five-day wait while the matter was looked into. Five days came and went. I ate bread and drank water, surprisingly nutritious. (Okay, that was a slight exaggeration - I had coffee too). 

I was at your branch this morning, where a gentleman, who seemed to be rather low on energy, assisted me. Well it is Monday and 'assisted' is probably an exaggeration. You have no doubt heard of the nine wasted years. We seem to have had five wasted days. It seemed to me that the gentleman had to start the entire matter from scratch, as if nothing had happened before. Whatever good humour I had,  evaporated. Strange that. I can't imagine why. 

When he told me that he could not find the affidavit, I became slightly perturbed. On the rare occasions that that happens, I tend to make much use of the letter 'f'. This was one such occasion. I then advised the gentleman that I would be writing an article highlighting the unique approach to service at Capitec. He seemed quite unmoved. 

I did receive a message from Capitec later. I could track my enquiry by following some simple steps. It would have been useful to know this the first time round. At any rate, I followed the steps. They led to a dark, dead end. I will say this for you: when you piss people off, you go all the way. No half-measures there. South African excellence in action.

I should know by now that courtesy and service, as in government, are reserved for those with connections, money and power. I really have to do something about these absurd ideas that roll around in my head concerning respect for all and similar foolishness. As mentioned before,  if you are number one, one can't wait to meet numbers two, three etc.

Yours in the struggle to find ever-elusive  courtesy, respect,service. 

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Scum

I thought that some of our politicians were the lowest form of life, until I came across the story below. 

Incidentally, I tried to find the most polite way to describe our corrupt bottom-feeders. Then I realized that this is the most polite way.

To the story. A friend is battling along on the state pension that was raised recently by a jaw-dropping ten rands. (Some pensioners wept with gratitude). 

My friend is an indefatigable battler and is constantly looking for online and other work. He was contacted on Whatsapp for online work, doing reviews. It sounded innocent enough.

"Is this legitimate", he asked, which is akin to asking many of our politicians if they lie or have 'smallanyana skeletons' in their spacious cupboards.

A few reviews later, my friend had a few rands in his account. Then he was asked to pay an amount into an account, order a specific item from a 'mall' and receive his money back plus a commission.  This twist made him uneasy but thousands of fellow workers seemed quite relaxed. He followed instructions and was paid.

Quite optimistic now, he looked at his bank account the next morning to be met by an array of zeroes. His account was frozen. Three calls later, the bank told him that the company was suspected to be a scam / Ponzi scheme. Their fraud department advised him to take an affidavit to the nearest branch outlining how he had come to work for the company.

Now if Capitec, number one bank in SA, couldn't be bothered to contact a customer up front but simply shut his account down as if he were a criminal, then one wonders what service is like at banks number two, three and so on. But service comes at a price in South Africa. Status, connections, money - without those, you are but a peasant in the eyes of many businesses and government services. Forget the flowery values statements. There is proof enough of the pudding in our encounters. 

My friend contacted the business and told them what had happened.

"Did you do something illegal?" asked the so-called assistant in an inspired burst of mingled irony and chutzpah.

"How can it be a scam if you were paid?" she asked later. 

Many South African politicians could answer that quite easily.

Like our so-called leaders, these so-called companies scam thousands of needy and desperate people. As if it were not enough that they are in a soul-destroying struggle to live. 

It takes a special kind of soullessness and ruthlessness on the part of both these members of this special Whatsapp group.

Some details for you, should you be contacted and tempted;

Initial Whatsapp contact: +1 (607) 453-8288

'Name': Sophia

'Mall': Luckyshopapp.com

Supposedly working for Google

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

.

Fighters

 Dear EFF Leadership 

I was delighted to read this tweet from a knowledgeable person, acknowledging my favourite fighting outfit:

"The EFF is the ONLY organisation thinking innovatively about a REAL transition towards equality and economic development."

As if to underline the words of the oracle, the next tweet reported a knock-down, drag-out brawl at an Ethekwini council meeting. Your councillors participated with great gusto. I like your cutting-edge approach to 'thinking innovatively about a real transition towards equality and 

economic development'. Nothing like split lips, cut cheeks and bleeding noses to speed transformation along. And, of course, a barroom-style brawl is a great leveller. Historical advantage and disadvantage count for nothing. It's all about speed and power.

On that note and with the greatest respect, a careful review of the otherwise inspirational video highlighted several challenges. While one cannot fault the enthusiasm of your ground forces, conditioning and technique require urgent attention.

As a martial arts enthusiast, I once more offer my coaching services at normal tender rates (various discounted packages included). It is obvious to even the most casual observer that a couple of well directed mae geri and mawashi geri kicks would have settled the issue speedily and efficiently. I am sure that Treasury would have been moved to return the 1.2 billion returned to them, instead of being spent on infrastructure.

Instead, we were treated to the embarrassing spectacle of your gallant fighters floundering like stranded whales (meant only figuratively).

I understand your indignation. Although the EFF reportedly chairs the infrastructure committee, we all know how easy it is for the odd billion to slip by. I once missed a R50 surplus on my budget. This is particularly true when such weighty matters as marches, boycotts, protests and occasional MMA encounters also demand your attention.

I don't blame you for allegedly blaming the city manager. Is it a DA person again?

At any rate, it certainly doesn't get more innovative than a good ol' skop, skiet en donner in the council chambers. Now why didn't we think of that before? I'm convinced that the poor and the disadvantaged would have been impressed, inspired and in deeper doo...oops, sorry, it's the damned autocorrect.

With this inspired approach to South Africa's many weighty challenges, we may bruise but how can we lose? 

My confidence is at an all-time high.

Yours in the fierce scuffle for transformation and economic freedom.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723