Long March

Dear EFF Leadership 

I have always been in the vanguard during our historic marches. At least in spirit. 

I lost my beret in Brackenfell (not the title of a country song).

I am concerned, though, that the marches are becoming increasingly hazardous. Despite my unquenchable revolutionary fervour, I could not suppress a shiver on hearing that we would march on an old-age home. Do you have any idea how dangerous senior citizens can be? They ran Zimbabwe into the ground. Some say that they are doing the same in South Africa. I was relieved to see community members standing as a buffer between us.

As a committed ground forces member, I obey without thought..., I mean, hesitation. Leaders, do you have any plans for marching on orphanages or homeless shelters? I would like to prepare myself mentally. 'Screw my courage to the sticking place', as some talentless, racist, colonialist, so-called playwright wrote. 

I wish to point out that, like our Great Leader, I am willing to kill..,sorry, die for the cause. Living has advantages, though, and I do hope to live to see what's left of the land returned to  what's left of The People.

Yours in the long march to freedom and free stuff.

Richard 

RET, EFF and History

 Dear RET and EFF Gangs

Please note that I use the word 'gangs' with great respect. In its most innocent, innocuous sense. As in, for example, Kool and the Gang. And you certainly embody cool. Tweeting and whatsapping away, not raising a sweat, while the madness rages.

Great strategists are keenly aware of history. Your utterances and recent events tell us that you are firmly in that WhatsApp group. You have clearly studied the Nongqawuse strategem with keen insight. For colonialists, clever blacks and other white - tendencied types who are ignorant of that glorious episode, a summary:

'Nongqawuse claimed that the spirits of the ancestors had spoken to her from a pool in the Gxara River.

If the people would only kill all their cattle and burn their crops, a day would come when new cattle and crops would arise along with an army of the ancestors who would drive the whites into the sea.'

Colonialist history claims that that didn't end well. I would ignore that.

Of course, it would be taking things too far to drive the enemy into the sea. Let the buggers walk. May I ask that you don't use Treasure Beach. The fishing's been good lately.

Much as one hates to reference a white guy, the bile, hatred and blame strategem worked for the guy with the snazzy moustache. Villify in general terms (e.g. 'Juden'). Do it often. Works like a nice, regular dose of arsenic. How's it going for you guys?

Yours in the struggle to reclaim what's left after the cleansing.

Richard 

Swine

 We may not be able to defeat these swine, but we don't have to join them.

Bob Dylan

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Scrolling through the thought-provoking content on Twitter, I came across a bizarre video clip. I could not identify the country. It couldn't have been South Africa. People were running amok, looting and burning buildings. Things our disciplined cadres would never do.

Here's the bizarre bit. Two men were carrying a live pig through the chaos in the streets. My first thought was: where in the name of  Muck did they find a live pig? The second was that it was kind of them to rescue the obviously frightened animal.

I showed a friend. He is a cynic of note. 

"Well", said he. "I don't know whether this is a coup attempt  or not, but for the pig, that's a fait accompli."

As I don't understand Spanish, I was perplexed.

He went on to say that the practice of carrying pigs was nothing new. In his country, he said, the people bore the burden of sleek, fat (sorry, plus-sized) swine on their shoulders daily. What was new was a couple of swine carrying a third. I was now thoroughly confused.

"Forget about it." I didn't like the glint in his eyes. "They were probably just practicing for the Olympic swine race. We're a cert for gold."

I was as confused as if I'd just heard a classic speech by Dr Ace or a celebrity political commentator.

Please let me have your interpretation, if this makes any sense to you. In English.

Yours in the struggle for clarity.

Richard

Superior Intelligence

 'This week, two ministers gave differing accounts on whether the SSA presented the police with intelligence' - from a news website

Dear Mr Cele 

I am concerned about the quality of intelligence that you are receiving. The Mann Enterprise for Resolving Dire Emergencies (MERDE) stands ready to assist. More than I can say for....,sorry, that slipped out.

We have access to unconventional but superior intelligence sources. What's more, they are actually intelligent. Madam Zuzu, our neighbourhood psychic had several visions before the current madness. I did not pay her sufficient attention, as she was halfway through a bottle of gin. She had a vision of livestock being carried through the streets.  Also one of a very hungry man watching Masterchef Australia on a brand new big-screen TV. Had I remembered that she accurately and consistently predicted the outcome of most Bafana matches, I would have paid more attention.

We tried to get in touch with a South African celebrity, celebrated for incisive analysis. Unfortunately he was occupied with analysing incidents of cheating on partners. Deep stuff, apparently.

Fortunately, I was able to spend time with our local political commentator, Peter Pompies, over a beer (purchased before the liquor ban). In the measured diction and precise academic language one has come to expect, he said: 'Hier gaan k.k kom". 

Sir, we are ready to share this kind of valuable information with you, going forward. Or backward, depending on how things are handled in your circles.

Yours in the struggle for superior intelligence.

Richard 

The Wisdom Of Jabba The Hutt

 Dear TV Producers 

A  news channel treated us to the wisdom of South African celebrities. Jub Jub's profound insights into the civil unrest were discussed. Whose Solomonic pronouncements will we hear next? Jabba The Hutt? 

Some of you may argue that there are people far better qualified to comment. Don't be ridiculous. The man hosts Uyajola, an uplifting programme. He is a hip hop artist. Knows something about racing cars. So what doesn't qualify him? 

We've had airtime given to the likes of Dr Ace and the other Zuma  Nothing wrong with that. Great content for something other than a news channel. Perhaps our version of America's Funniest Home Videos. We have reporters who remind one of the pain of listening to the kids who wrestled with reading at school. We are fed. 

I suggest that the media people take it up a couple of notches. Let's have some druglords and hijackers share their insights. All in the interests of provoking thought and debate. 

My neighbours, Lawrence and Koos are celebrities at Pat's, the local sports bar. With the help of something  like Digital Vibes, I can hook you up with them. 

Till then, keep up the stimulating stuff.

Yours in the quest for soul-searching, thought-provoking, quality content.

Richard 

What About Kakistan?

 I want to distract South Africans from our recent  / current troubles. Also to reassure the 'Whatabout' crowd that we are not the only earthlings burning our country about our ears.

The Mann Enterprise for Resolving Dire Emergencies (MERDE) unearthed a fascinating Twitter exchange between government officials in Kakistan. Here's the thread:

@A: Big trouble in Kazedan Province. Burning, rioting, looting. Send army.

@B: LOL. It's not a war.

@A: People will get hurt, maybe die.

@B: People get hurt roller skating. People die choking on fishbones. LMFAO.

@A: This is serious.

@B: So is the locust plague. War is defined as: 

a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.

SBWL ice cream

A week later

@A: Told you

 

@B: Still not a war. Anyway we lost only half the province. And a few years. And some smart-alec investors.

@A: This was an insurrection 

@B: An insurrection is defined as:

a violent uprising against an authority or government 

@A: WTF!

 

A G.A.T.V.O.L Public Announcement

The Geopolitical Academy for Tracking Viruses Occurring 

Locally (GATVOL), makes this announcement in the interests of public safety.

We have identified at least two viruses posing great danger to the health of South Africans.

The Ank virus tricks the body into accepting it as a beneficial nutrient. Once ensconced within the cells, the virus siphons off nutrients until the body is severely malnourished and dehydrated. Interestingly, though subtle at first, the virus grows increasingly voracious with time. Not unlike a herd of swine tucking into a full trough. 

This virus often gives rise to several variants. These compete ferociously for dominance, draining the body of any remaining nutrients, energy and strength. They then continue to feed hungrily off the dying body.

The F virus is thought  be a variant of the Ank virus.  It is similar in some of its behaviour. Also competing with  the Ank virus, the F  lacks subtlety. It merely rampages through the body. There is no mistaking it for anything but what it is: an entity that exists to wreak havoc and destruction.  This variant is thought to be responsible for such conditions as Volatile Behaviour Syndrome (VBS). Under the microscope, it bears a remarkable resemblance to Pacman. Most of its surface resembles a gigantic, wide - gaping mouth. One of our German scientists said that he was reminded of a figure from his country's past history. Pressed for detail, he refused to comment further. "This is science", he said. "Not history ".

Fortunately, the laboratories of

Veracity, Menschlichkeit and Verstand have developed a highly effective regimen. Taken consistently, it rids the body of all variants over time. 

South Africans, please be on the alert.

 

Bad Dreams

 'Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.' Hamlet 

Dear Mr Malema 

Having just woken from a disturbing dream, I feel compelled to write to you.

I saw, in the dream, Floyd The Ferocious, confronting a group of thugs.., sorry, looting gentlemen (slip of political correctness there).  He told them to eff off, as this is not the path to economic freedom.

Sir, it got worse. I saw you on a raised platform, craggy features lit by the lights of a dozen raging infernos. You were calling for calm and commonsense to prevail. You called on the ground forces to help restore peace and order. Also your air force and navy. The nice thing about dreams is that resources are unlimited. 

Then you joined with politicians of all persuasions to discuss ways to end the madness. In the background, were various comrades, soundlessly yelling 'Nooo'. You know the slo-mo, distorted-sound thing in dreams. You turned your back on them and stalked off in true CIC style. It was one of those Stallone / Bruce Willis type scenes. Explosions popping of behind you as you stalked into the sunset.

My own yell was stifled as I sat bolt upright, dripping perspiration onto my newly-changed sheets.

Sir, it was just a dream. Still, as you are often on my mind, I thought it prudent to check. Are you still sound in body, mind and spirit? I trust you've been keeping up with your regular medicals. Please let me know.

Yours in the struggle for economic freedom, land, peace, a united Africa, dialectical materialism and people's banks.

Richard 

Sleep Well Politicians

 Dear Shoe - Fitting Politicians 

You've had a hard time of it lately. 

You have been accused of an entire alphabet of sins, from asininity, through buffoonery and corruption to the zumarisation of a once thriving country.

In Christian charity, I am going to be gentle with you. I am not going to accuse you of having handled our current disaster like keystone cops on nyaope. I will not point out that your intelligence was as useful as the Titanic's SOS message. Nor will I compare your troop deployment to locking the stable door after the entire herd has rampaged through the neighbourhood. If only you'd done that with the nimbleness with which large sums were redeployed on your watch. 

I will resist the temptation to comment on your supernatural powers of invisibility in the heat of crisis. Followed, of course, by your mystical ability to materialize at the opportune time.

I vow that I will not snigger at the story of the diligent people's representative. It goes thus. He tells the only people who have stood between their communities and destruction - get this - he tells them to stand down. His version of John vuli gate? (Oh, get behind me satan!). I am sure he will be remembered for this his finest hour, when the sacrifice and the grit of the people of South Africa is spoken of.

May you sleep well.

Richard

J' Accuse

Dear Fellow South Africans 

"And what dictators do

The elderly rubbish they talk" Auden

Mr Zuma is as pure as the driven snow. Dr Ace Magashule is Mr Clean on steroids. Julius Malema and friends are politicians of substance. The ANC is a movement worthy of respect. Carl Niehaus is a knight in shining armour, defending virtue and, especially, truth.

So much for the commercials. Now to some simple truths.

Mr Zuma and cronies could have prevented this disaster. But that would have taken real leadership. And that's rare in South Africa. Real leadership is selfless. It's for big people.

I cannot say whether Mr Zuma is innocent or guilty of the many charges hanging over his head. This I can say: for a man who protests his innocence, the kindest description of his behaviour is that it's been extraordinary, bizarre. For one so keen to face his accusers in a court of law. And the beans he has threatened to spill? Still on the trellis?

But the ANC is a collective. Let's share blame. Remember the  'pastor' who farts on his congregation. Dear fellow South Africans, if you cannot see how The Party has been doing the same in word and deed for years, stop reading here. Perhaps that's why the poet, e.e cummings wrote that:

 'a politician is an arse..'

In our context, that was kind. Even a..ses don't let their houses go up in flames around them. Oh, and it's not on the heads of the ANC only. 

 .

If a politician is an a..e, what does that make the placard waving, slogan chanting supporters? There is a simple test for whether a public representative is worthy of your vote. Has he / she built anything of value? Anything lasting. Whether it be tangible or in the hearts and minds of people. 

A humble schoolgirl without wealth or authority starts a feeding scheme that feeds over a hundred needy schoolchildren. You follow sleek, well-fed revolutionaries who have never had an original idea. Except to blame, burn and howl curses at the moon. Those who burn seldom build. 

Herein lies another simple truth. When the smoke of their abominable sacrifices to the gods of power, greed and hatred dissipates, who will be next? Such gods are insatiable. They devour their children.

To all you passionate supporters of dubious causes and even more dubious politicians, save that energy. Go build something. Like that schoolgirl. 

Yours in the struggle to distinguish between rational thought and brain farts.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bravo Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

I must congratulate you on your reassuring appearances on TV and elsewhere during this difficult time.

I apologize for not having actually caught any of them. Been too busy, dodging thugs and looters. I do know, though, that you will have been on top of all this. Just as you were when we were in grave danger from surfers, smokers, boozers and other desperadoes. You handled those in fine style, enabling us to sleep secure in the knowledge that we are protected.

I imagine that you out - sellecked Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods. The calm but steely demeanour. The gravitas. The iconic good guy's black hat. He was only a commissioner and as minister, you have him licked. Besides, he's a Yank and what do they know about real, professional policing. They've never had to hold a desperate, crazed surfer at bay. Or deal with a cunning, law-breaking hawker. Or a dangerous curfew-breaker. All of which you've done with distinction.

Sir, please let us know when next you will be giving the nation words of comfort and reassurance.

Wouldn't miss it for the world - or what's left of KZN.

Yours in the struggle for law and order.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Legacy

 "Tell us again about the struggle days, Grandpa."

"Well, I'll never forget my first battle. Fists, feet and weapons flying. I fought like a tiger."

"Did you win, Grandpa?"

"I got a TV set and a computer before the police arrived."

"Wow!" The grandchildren look reverently at the large flat screen TV dominating the lounge space.

"After that, you could say I was a veteran. Beer and grocery trucks, factories, schools, you name it. We fought the good fight up and down the province."

"Why did you call it RET?"

"Because we returned the economy to its rightful owners. The people."

"So you took it all back from the oppressors?"

"Yes, we burnt the lot to ashes. Taught them a lesson they'll never forget."

"Gosh, Grandpa, you had an exciting life."

"Yes, my children." With a grand sweep of his arm, Grandpa takes in the scenery outside. Burnt trucks litter the verges of the roads, blackened skeletons of buildings dot the green countryside.

"And one day, all this will be yours."

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Doctors, Engineers And Teachers Without Borders

 Dear South African Recruiters

I am a great fan of South Africa. 

I notice that your country has been doing a great job in tackling the unemployment problem. In Cuba and on the African continent. I plan to come over soon. I understand that there's a good flow of traffic at the Limpopo crossing. 

I am available for any jobs in healthcare, engineering, math tuition or all of the above. My CV and certified copies of certificates are attached. I did have some misunderstandings with the authorities but have never been cau.., I mean, convicted of a crime.  I see that your prominent politicians are strong on the 'innocent until proven guilty' principle. Clearly, the rule of law is paramount.

On that note, I'm very impressed at the leeway given to people to plead their cases. Your former president is my example. He seems a very nice chap. So many friends. I was a little puzzled when I saw only one chap of Caucasian persuasion (looking a little awkward with shield and spear, but still impressive). Given that you are the rainbow nation. I'm also impressed at how your law seems so open to interpretation and debate. For the people, I suppose. Also, having watched one of your legal people at work (TV news), I think I might even be able to do a bit of that. Weekends maybe.

By the way, it's comforting to know that should I ever be charged for a serious offence (e.g. going maskless or accidentally buying alcohol), I have several options.

I look forward to contributing to the great South African melting pot.

Yours in the struggle for a borderless Sou.., sorry, Africa.

Richard 

Relentless

 Dear Media People

Dr Ace Magashule was interviewed at inKhaaandla. For some ten minutes he used a lot of words to say absolutely nothing of consequence. It was worse than his famous 'I had a meeting with Zuma but it was not a meeting.....' ramble. 

This is clearly a man that has nothing useful or intelligible to say. Why do you foist this nonsense on us? It's not news. 'What we have here is a (massive) failure to communicate' (Cool Hand Luke).

The news anchor congratulated the reporter on his 'relentless' questioning. I missed the relentless part. Where were the questions on why someone who reminds us that he is a leader:

  Is not doing what leaders do: calming a potentially explosive situation,

  Calling for safe, sensible behaviour,

   Supporting the rule of law?

As relentless as 'being savaged by a dead sheep' (British politician).

As for Mr Zuma, Mr Niehaus and friends, isn't it time we gave them a minute each and moved on to really important things. Such as, what we are doing about the relentless disintegration of the foundations of our potentially great country.

After all, the circus one can visit anytime.

Yours in the struggle for real news.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

  

Realpolitik

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Some years ago, I interviewed a young woman who had started a feeding scheme at her school. The scheme still feeds over a hundred needy schoolchildren.

Many of our politicians also started exclusive feeding schemes. It's not clear how many they feed. They eat well. The rest of us are, in the words of Hamlet, promise fed. 

King Lear, in the storm, speaking of the 'naked wretches':

  Oh, I have ta'en 

  Too little care of this! Take  physic, pomp

  Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, 

  That thou mayst shake the superflux to them

  And show the heavens more just

But our politicians don't earn enough to have a King Lear moment. According to some reports. Anyway, Shakespeare's sentiments are probably unAfrican.

And all this stuff about compassion and service is too simplistic. The burdens of politics and government are far more complex. It's a silly comparison: a humble, unsophisticated girl feeding over a hundred children. That's not realpolitik. 

Yours in the struggle to be realistic.

Richard