Keeping South Africans In Line

Dear ANC

Since you occupied the draughty, cobwebbed corridors of power, one of the wonderful improvements that you have brought into our lives is the Ubiquitous, Endless Queue. 

What on earth would we do with all that time if we didn't queue all day outside Home Affairs and other glittering monuments to service and efficiency?

I was at a municipal building in Durban, a city renowned for clean, efficient local government. Jokes aside,  there seemed to be two queues, though it was hard to tell. And people kept changing queues, as rumours circulated as to which queue was for what. Most were there to submit rates rebate forms. Yes, I can see how a devilishly complex exercise like that would require a full day's queuing.

So clever not to put out chairs. Those 80 year olds could  get ideas above their station. Let the aching knees remind them who's in charge. Also, they need to  appreciate the chairs inside when they finally reach the equally long, indoor queues. It must be clear who's doing favours for whom. Citizens need to know their (stationary) station in life. Outlandish concepts like service or uBuntu confuse our people.

You could put out posters or notices to help people identify the right queue. But then, where's the wholesome fun of the government guessing game? 

In some benighted countries, managers  actually manage the processes. Apparently, that's what they are paid for. How quaint. They monitor, innovate, engineer and simplify processes. But I'm sure that our lot have mountains of paperwork. Far more important than 80 year old, aching knees. That kind of intricate work demands good managerial  skills. And there must be  important teas, lunches, jovial conversations and more to attend to. Important to spend time on the things that matter most.  

Besides, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Or if they don't complain loudly enough.

In fairness, though, dear ANC, I think that you are close to the struggles of ordinary people in South Africa. You have the common touch. I thought of Ms Mbete's valiant struggle to acquire her driver's licence. It's an entertaining tale, replete with mystery, riddles and perhaps even time-travel. This from a report: 

“I don’t have time to stand in queues,” she argued, “I am not required to stand in queues at airports and things.”

Yes, you too have burdens to bear and your patient humility is an example to us all.

Yours in the struggle to keep our people in line.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Ukraine And Soccer

 Dear South African TV People 

I am confused.

Is the war in the Ukraine over? I've seen little or nothing about it on South African TV news  for days now. The BBC, CNN and others still carry lengthy, regular reports. Could this be the propaganda of the warmongering West, of which the saintly Mr Putin speaks so eloquently? (Apart from the fact that his accent resembles something I've heard in a Wentworth pub in the late hours, I'm moved by his warm, sincere manner. Almost to tears). He is ably supported by our own righteously upright Mr Zuma and other Wise Ones.

Congratulations on your sterling efforts to entertain, inform and educate.  Some of your news reports and reporters are most entertaining. Unfortunately, they neither inform nor educate. But then, you can't have everything, can you? Unless you're a well-set member of one of the political parties. Or a cadre in good standing. And one out of three ain't bad, as our education ministers and officials would probably say.

It would have been instructive to see a probing interview with Mr Mbalula on his visit to Ukraine and his landing in (sick.., sorry, sic) the moon. Who knows what treasures of scientific discovery he might have shared. We might have been transported with delight and wonder. And that would be a first for the transport portfolio.

I would also love to see some real interviews with those accused of corruption and gross incompetence. That would fill a year's worth of programming. And that's just government.

We do understand that you have an avalanche of really important news to deal with: soccer, Tik Tok videos, lengthy memorial services, commentary on the obvious and more. Where would we be without these fragrant offerings?

Yours in the struggle to obfusc..., sorry, educate, entertain and inform.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Zuma's Day In Court

 Dear Mr Zuma

I don't understand the huffing, puffing, to-ing and fro-ing over your latest court appearance saga. It's quite obvious where the problem lies, isnt it?

The link between the proximity of courtrooms and your bouts of illness needs to be carefully investigated. It may be to do with the structures. We've heard of the sick buildings concept.

On the other hand,  perhaps the word 'courtroom' itself, is what sets you off.. You think this ridiculous? Words have power. A hypnotist can cause murder to be committed with a trigger-word. The word 'war' lands people in a Russian gaol for fifteen years. In South Africa, people are driven into paroxyisms of rage or transports of ecstacy by quite commonplace words and phrases such as 'step aside', "corruption', 'tender', 'judiciary', 'constitution', 'rule of law', 'VBS', 'Zondo Commission'. I. have been known to break out in hives at the mention of the word 'SARS'. 

I suggest we discard the word 'courtroom'. It is insulting and humiliating. Quite possibly racist too. We could call it the 'Place of Vindication'. After all,  that's what we're expecting, if we can just get you to spend a day or two. Once you've recovered fully. Nothing unusual about removing humiliating words from our lexicon. It's been suggested, for example, that we remove 'illegal' and 'immigrant' ( in that particular sequence) from our vocabulary. One can picture a not-illegal-immigrant just about  to crawl under the border fence. He spots a windblown newspaper on the South African side, "Illegal Immigrants" the headline. Wounded to the soul, he abandons his not-illegal immigration attempt and shuffles off home. 

Anyway, sir, I suggest that you stand firm until an investigation has been concluded. There is no point in  risking your delicate health just to satisfy the  justice people and most of South Africa . Your health is paramount. There are struggle songs yet to be sung. Vigorous dances yet to be performed . Wooing  to be done (of the hearts and minds of the people. Not the other thing, oh ye  of base imagination). Let us keep perspective and priorities before us.

This should buy a  useful few months.  I am not suggesting that you want a delay. On the contrary,  you've stated clearly that you want your day in court and your behaviour gives  no cause to doubt your sincerity. Or your burning, nay, flaming, impatience to see justice done. In fact, I am sure you had already girded up your  once-presidential loins  in tasteful, formal, courtroom-friendly attire. I imagine that you were striding purposefully to the door, when, oy vey,  like Superman and kryptonite,  the tingling  began. Or whatever other dreadful symptoms you are afflicted with. The fact that you first felt the full fury of the latest attack on the very day  you were due to appear, bears out my carefully researched theory.

There are those cynics who aver that you are playing games. Who plays games with a  subject as delicate as health. Was not this the very cause of your righteous indignation with some individual (name escapes me)? Some legal chap.

Had you wanted to play games,  you could have gone to court and named the legions of spies that you once spoke of.  That would have been good for a month of court time. But you are not one to waste taxpayers' time and hard-earned money. Didn't you prove that while in the highest office? Didn't you prove that with your strenuous efforts to have your month in court, against a run of very bad luck, poor health and other stuff?

Sir, I am ready to discuss this approach  over tea. And perhaps whatever cake is left over from the historic, Malema high-tea visit. You need a non-legal mind, to help take in the broad panorama, not just the narrow causeway of things juristic. As you have demonstrated, there is more to life than just the law.

Yours in the arduous struggle to balance the scales of justice. 

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

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