Auld Lang Syne, Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

You issued a warning about breaking curfew on New Year's Eve  / New Year's Day.

I was offended when someone called you a 'useless doorknob' on social media. I have found most doorknobs to be quite useful. Besides, he spelled it  as 'door knob'.

He raged about drug dealers, terrorists openly carrying machine guns, CIT robberies and hijacking, destroying the country. All of this is most alarming but he omitted incompetent and corrupt politicians and officials. The worst of it, though, is that he called you a dimwit. That cannot possibly be true, as I read that you qualified as a primary school teacher. 

 'All that he cares about is curfews', he went on to say. Patently untrue, sir. I know that you also care deeply about alcohol. You mention it more often than any of the other things that your critic was going on about. You were also quite passionate about cigarettes at one stage.

I was somewhat mystified by this part of your statement:

We will shut down all those that are operating illegally and those who are operating legally and break the law by playing Gqom music, underage drinking and selling alcohol after curfew will be prosecuted.

I did not know that playing Gqom music was illegal. I don't know what kind of music that is, and now don't care to know. It sounds dangerous. Even the onomatopaeic sound of the name suggests bludgeoning someone into unconsciousness.

“The only place you are allowed to drink at is your own home listening to soft music".

 I have prepared my playlist. ' Sounds Of Silence'. Killing Me Softly' and 'Careless Whispers', among others, will see us glide noiselessly into 2022. There will be no Gqom and should I hear any, drifting or pulsing from neighbouring houses, I will be on the phone to you. Post haste. 

Loitering is out of the question. Should an emergency arise on the stroke of midnight or after (say, the need for a cup of sugar or more soft music), would a brisk walk be in order?

Yours in the struggle against curfew-breaking and loud Gqom-like music.

Richard 

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Mr Cele's Christmas Spirit

 Dear Mr Cele

I have been waiting hungrily for the nuggets of wisdom that you are wont to dispense so generously. 

With this wonderfully succinct summary of the law, my Christmas cheer is complete:

“The law says nobody moves, nobody drinks, nobody gets drunk after midnight."

I am reminded of the biblical quote: "On this hangs all the law..."

 Sir, this puts me in a somewhat awkward position. I have been tucking into Christmas pudding and fruit cake, rich with an infusion of fine brandy. The turkey stuffing also has some interesting ingredients. And of course, there's a liberal helping of vin in the coq au vin. I must confess to feeling pleasantly mellow already. And there's still the margarita tarts and brandy jelly to follow. 

Sir, i have great respect for the spirit and the letter of the law. Far be it from me to toy with technicalities, as some renowned South Africans do. I could argue, though, that I am eating, rather than drinking, my way to alchoholic nirvana. I believe I comply.

The problem solves itself anyway. I expect to be comatose come midnight. This is a step beyond drunk and I'm sure that Mr Mpofu could make a rock-solid case. The prohibition on movement, apart from twitches and grunts, is also complied with. 

Yours in the struggle against irresponsible alcohol  consumption.

Richard 

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Broad Based Criminal Empowerment

 Dear ANC Leadership 

I write to you in my capacity as chairperson of the South African Board for Professional Criminal Practice (SABPCP).

We note with dismay the following, posted on social media:

"Under the ANC's rule an illegal immigrant from Zimbabwe was a manager at Human Settlement. A Lesotho illegal immigrant was a municipal manager. Now, a former assistant director at Home Affairs is also an illegal immigrant. How many  illegals are working in gov? @MYANC is not fit."

I write to point out that criminal activity is not a scarce skill in our country. On the contrary, since the days of Jan van Riebeeck, we have blazed a pioneering trail through the once dense jungle of global crime. There can be no justification for importing skills that we should, in fact, be exporting. Our own criminals are highly skilled. Indeed, at the peak of the profession.

Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete pointed out that Jan was the father of crime in South Africa. I think the Dutch East India Company pulled a Castro on South Africa (remember the Cuban criminals exported to the US?), and dredged the gaols of Amsterdam. Jan was obviously a notorious Person Of Interest. Introducing rape, fraud, theft, slothfulness, incompetence and buffoonery to our pristine shores. Clearly, our borders were porous at the time. Another tradition that we have faithfully maintained.

Nevertheless, since then, we have done extremely well on our own. No patronizing colonialists looking over our shoulders and making snide, superior comments on our criminal competence. We excel at every level and in every field and discipline. Long before you dared dream of Broad Based Black Economic Empowerment, our Broad Based Criminal Empowerment was taking the country by storm (sometimes a storm of bullets).

We have always been loyal and patriotic, 'Steal South African' our slogan. Why are we rewarded thus?  Should we not hear from you within seven  days of receipt of this letter, our lawyers will begin legal proceedings. They advised us that a class suit is out of the question as you have no class. 

We employ some of the sharpest legal minds in the country. Not unlike that chap who's been in and out of the courts lately. Whatsisname.... Be warned.

Yours in the struggle to preserve our sovereignty.

Richard (Righteous) J Mann 

Chairperson: SABPCP

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A New Cadre

 Dear ANC

I was intrigued by one of your t-shirts, adorning a chap selling some dubious cigarettes outside The Workshop. 

I think it's yours. Brilliant yellow, with one of those inspirational Party slogans:

'Building a new cadre for the second phase of the revolution.'

You left out 'glorious'.

I am glad that you are building a new cadre. The old ones didn't work that well. Yes, they could reel off  Party clichès at the drop of a revolutionary beret. But not much else. 

In an RET candidate list on social media, one of the bright stars, Ms Mokonyane, was described as a 'mechanical politician'. And a tried and tested one to boot. Puzzling, at time of reading. Now, with the t-shirt slogan, also in mind, it becomes vividly clear. Building cadres, mechanical politicians.... Like Mr Zuma, I put two and two together. An 'Eish' moment!

I picture a cavernous underground lab, like a robot-buiding facility in a sci-fi movie. Your scientists bustle about, one eye on the revolutionary schedule and the relentless clock. 

 "How's the II coming along, Comrade?"

"Huge improvement on Model I. Remarkable Partyspeak vocabulary. Excellent responses in the simulations. Just need to smooth out the grasping movements."

 I don't know which election campaign this particular t-shirt line was designed for. You might be on phase 5 of the revolution for all we know. I just don't recall phase 1. Unless reversing at speed counts as a phase. 

Anyway, I do hope your new model signals a great leap forward.

Yours in the search for the Complete Cadre.

Richard

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Zuma, Giant

Dear Fellow South Africans 

"You must be delusional", a Zuma supporter kindly advised me.

I thought I'd better check, as I have been troubled of late by strange, probably unnatural, thoughts about the rule of law, the constitution, commonsense. Things no South African in his right mind should be troubled about.

I looked back. Mr Zuma once faced 783 charges but those were dropped. They've shrunk, I think, to a mere 16. Not so bad, then. 

He came in as what The Mail And Guardian called 'a compromised  candidate'. The People knew better. He has since danced his way into and out of the presidency, scandal, various courtrooms and prison.

But let's not forget his support for business. The Sunday Times  quoted him as assuring business people that everything they touched would multiply if they supported the ANC. A business champion who could show King Midas a thing or two.

I had forgotten his sage warnings to those contemplating leaving the ANC that they would attract the wrath of the ancestors. And also, bad luck. You don't want to do that. You'd be better off smashing mirrors. 

I have to acknowledge his skills at root cause analysis. 

Jan van Riebeeck's arrival in Cape Town was the beginning of all South Africa's problems.

Damn you Jan: corruption, incompetence, crime, buffoonery - the list goes on. Bloody agent. You should have drowned on the voyage over. Well, at least, we know the root cause. 

Renaissance man that he is, his latest tell-some book flew off the car boot - like hot cakes. I hope he expanded on the revelatory doctrine that the ANC is 'blessed in heaven' and that its voters will be blessed on 'earth and in heaven'. Theology made simple. I wondered why the blessings have been scarce in the last decade or so. It's clear now.

And, of course, the man's a staunch defender of the constitution. 

"We are a constitutional democracy. We must deal with things properly within the framework of the law and then the constitution."

So, the constitutional court's finding had me puzzled:

"The President thus failed to uphold, defend and respect the Constitution as the supreme law of the land."

As did this interesting statement from the great man:

You have fewer rights because you are a minority. Absolutely, that’s how democracy works.

Nevertheless, Mr Zuma supporter, I see the error of my deluded ways. The scales have fallen from my eyes. 

I can but quote the pope in the movie, who said of Francis of Assisi: 

"This man is a giant."

Yours in the struggle for clear sight and commonsense.

Richard 

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Write On, Mr Zuma

Dear Mr Zuma

I have just read that you may once more take the shortest route, without passing 'Begin' or collecting R200. 

I suggest that we can squeeze this life lemon into a refreshing martini. Your creative juices are on the boil. Your first book has the critics in a Covid-like fever of excitement.  Herman Charles Bosman wrote Cold Stone Jug in a similar environment to the one you are bound for. Jeffrey Archer, too, did some fine work in the aforementioned jug. Then there was Caryl Chessman with 'The Kid Was A Killer'.  He was executed but I don't think it had to do with book quality or content. So, that's not a concern. I think that the quiet, orderly environment and the company of many creative people has much to do with it. I look forward to the pot-boiler that is sure to come. For a signed copy, I'll be happy to dig deep. (Not R1000 deep, but we can perhaps negotiate?).

Sir, you need not concern yourself about the new bull, while you are on sabbatical. Your people are used to handling lots of bull, I mean, bulls. 

 No doubt, we'll be hearing learned opinion from your supporters on how unfair this is. We will almost certainly  hear of captured courts and a captured judiciary. I understand. I have also found the law to be quite restrictive, for example, when I have felt the need to throttle the breath from a deserving person.

Sir, I suggest that you gather pen, paper and your thoughts. Surf the wave.

Yours in the struggle for inspiration.

Richard

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The Book Of Jacob

 Dear Mr Zuma

I have always felt a close kinship with you. (Well, since a few years after I was born). 

This is, in part, because we are both sons of the fertile, black, KZN, banana-and-maize-  bearing soil. (And beans). I now feel a solid cementing of that kinship. We have both, with mighty labours and the acute  pangs of childbirth, given life to books on our favourite theme: the life and times of one Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma.

My book, 'Dear Mr Zuma', is, of course, a tribute to you (what else?). Your achievements have been downplayed, probably with malice aforethought by the spies mentioned below and their cunning WMC / Stellenbosch handlers. I wish that I could, like Mr Yeats, write them out in a verse. 

As that English chap wrote:

The evil that men do lives after them,

The good is oft interred with their bones.

Here, then, for posterity, is some of the good:

Many words have been coined to describe our politicians. Which politician can lay claim, though, to having coined a new word? In the heat of parliamentary battle, you plucked out of your bosom the melifluous 'meandos'. Creativity in full flow.

You ably demonstrated to us that numbers (like the gruesome practice of cat-skinning) can be used in many ways. Is not creativity far more important than mindlessly parroting our math teachers? I, for one, am grateful, as I try this innovative approach with SARS and creditors. 

Your fire pool is a seamless marriage of the best of engineering and innovative design thought. Why have two systems when one can work as well? One can both swim and put out fires. Not simultaneously, of course. No, hang on...

You made your mark in geopolitics. Colonial map drawers had us fooled about the true size of the African continent. Until you took measurements. And also showed us that No River Runs Through It.

Your subtle humour and infectious laugh saw us through many difficult times. I can't remember now, what caused the difficulties. My analyst calls it a PTSASD (Post Traumatic South African Stress Disorder) coping mechanism. I think it was also on your watch that the laws on marijuana were relaxed. This probably helped some South Africans get through, and probably laugh through, said difficult times. In the tough world of political comedy, even Trump couldn't hold a candle to you. Then again, he had electricity.

The story that some unqualified people had senior police posts during your tenure merely illustrates how serious you were about opportunity for all (Or is it some? Bit confused here). Anyway, who hasn't played cops and robbers as a child? That's some preparation, isn't it? Is not play the mother to work skills?

 Sir, I am sure that your book is packed with adventure, homespun wisdom, humour and dark tales of treachery in high places. Who can forget your cryptic references to legions and battalions of spies, during your too-brief Zondo Commission appearance?

 A  fleeting glimpse into a shadowy world, upon which, I'm sure your book will turn the fierce, unrelenting glare of discovery. 

One can hardly wait to read what, I am confident, will be South Africa's answer to War and Peace.

Yours in the struggle with the written word.

Richard  

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Bull

 Some Ethekwini councillors visited Mr Zuma and presented him with a bull. Typically, my cynical, disrespectful friend said that the bull had come home to roost

I was outraged. I hate mixed metaphors. I also don't know what he meant. Anyone...

Fortunately, the councillors cleared up several important issues. The gift had nothing to do with:

1. Mr Zuma's alleged role in helping them win eThekwini

2. Gaining his support for Ms Gumede's career moves

For those of us who are pure of mind, nothing could have been further from our thoughts. Yes, the cynical and the suspicious are among us. The heart of man is desperately wicked says The Good Book. 

The councillors merely wished to ask about Mr Zuma's health and to wish him well. Who of us would not do the same for a friend? And if we had some spare bulls, I'm sure we'd take one along

They also sought his sage advice before embarking on a five year journey of selfless service to you and me, dear fellow Kayzedenner. Who better?

According to a news report, eThekwini councillor Ntandoyenkosi Khuzwayo said: “It’s customary for us as Africans that when you visit a person in their own home you bring a gift. Particularly when you are visiting the male head of a household you bring a gift in the form of a cow or cattle.”

This does explain my frequent sightings of cows and bulls in our suburb, which has a sociable, tightly-knit community. It's all clear at last.

"We did a symbolic thing, it's biblical to take your first fruit and give it to the priest. The bull was too big for the trailer we had got and so we had to get another trailer, so that was why we were delayed in getting here.”

Mr Zuma was reportedly ordained by some pastors, so I cannot quarrel with the priestly thing (even though that's a bit Old Testament).

Of course, if they'd used a symbolic bull in this symbolic thing (say, a can of Bull Brand corned beef), there would have been no trailer problems.

The king received an SUV, Mr Zuma a bull. I'll take a Namaqualand sheep from any of the other parties. Address below. 

South African proverb: A little bull goes a long way..

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Fragrances For Africa

 Dear Santa

Word on the street is that our president is sorely in need of a pair of big, brass balls - for his Christmas tree. Thought I'd get that request in early.

I notice that your popularity has waned in South Africa over the years. You are, after all, a white male with a penchant for undocumented forays into sovereign African states. On the positive side, your travels leave no carbon footprint. Reindeer dung is biodegradable and probably makes excellent fertiliser. You also come bearing free gifts, unlike the pre-election T-shirts and braais that carry a high, hidden cost.

I'd like our cabinet ministers and politicians to be of good cheer during the season of peace and goodwill. When they sneeze, or pass gas, well, you know what happens to the whole country. Hence my feverish, online search for the perfect gift.

The Le Humaine range of fragrances is the gift for the politician who has everything else. Please bring a plentiful supply of each of these fragrances:

Humilitè: Beautifully understated, subtle fragrance with the quality of a fresh breeze.

Le sens commun: No cloying, flowery notes here. A clean, honest fragrance that one either loves or hates.

La compètence: A strong, pleasing fragrance, just a small bottle of which lasts more than 27 years. 

La compassion: A deceptively gentle fragrance that lingers on for a surprisingly long time. 

We are desperately in need of something clean, fresh and lasting. Elsewhere, the answer may be blowing in the wind. Here, it's more than a hint of decay and decomposition.

Yours in the struggle for peace and goodwill.

Richard 

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Bugger The People

At our much-loved Home Affairs department I experienced again the power of the BTC approach to service. For those unfamiliar with government's cutting-edge service model, it's short for Bugger The Customer.

This trickles, or gushes, down from the overarching BTP value - Bugger The People. I am sure that you are at least familiar with the ubuLongwe (manure) philosophy

 uMuntu nguMuntu ngokuganga ngaBantu. Roughly translated: I am a person because I can mess other people around. 

Walk up to this department and you enter a bad forgery of one of the famous paintings of hell. People in various stages of discomfort, tiredness, boredom, anxiety and hunger queue endlessly. Scurrying about like little demons, are people selling places in the queue and everything else from chairs and overpriced photos to black pens. A gruff security person directs some who have been queuing for an hour into a new queue. 

Confusion reigns within and without as mysterious directions are given on each step of the highly classified process. Thank goodness for those who have gone before. That's  the only uBuntu in evidence. They helped fill in the pieces of the dreary puzzle. 

While the Home Affairs we know and love fulfilled all my low expectations, I was surprised to see similar scenes played out at a well-known retail store. Pensioners played musical queues as cashiers would suddenly disappear like the decuplets or a famous lawman. It might have helped to announce: "I've run out of cash. Please be patient. Back in ten hours." Then again, why spoil the fun of playing Guess What Happens Now with a little communication? 

There are three pillars of customer service excellence (call me for details, if mystified). They are not confusion, communication chasms and queuing for pleasure. But perhaps this service, in true BTC vein, is regarded as A Great Favour. 

Not much has changed. As in the good old days of Hendrik, John and Pieter, the poor, the powerless, the vulnerable are thoroughly disrespected. It's probably so worldwide. 

We're just so very, very good at it.

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July Morning

Dear Mr Sitole

Great performance at the SAHRC commission. 

I like the subtle distinction you made between not wrong / right and true. 

(Regarding the allegation that you were nowhere to be found during the July unrest)

 "It may not be wrong but it is not true."

Deep, philosophical stuff, sir. Reminded me of Pilate's "What is truth?" I think I can dimly see where you were going. Example: it's true that some services are dismally led, but it's not right. Am I on the right track, sir?

Like a good police commissioner, you led us, Sherlock Holmes fashion, through the keys and clues to the mystery of your  whereabouts. I have tried to unravel the matter as carefully as one may analyse a many-layered Shakespeare text. 

Here, South Africa, is what happened:

1. A person might have been looking for Mr Sitole

2.That person might not have found him

3. Because that person might have been looking in the wrong place

4. Where he wasn't 

I think that Uriah Heep foresaw this event - their song, July Morning (almost untouched):

There I was on a July morning 

I was looking for him..

I was looking for him in the strangest places

There wasn't a stone that I left unturned

I must have tried more than a thousand places

But no-one was aware of the fire that burned..

But, of course, they were the wrong places. You'd think people would know to look for a national commissioner in the right place. 

 

"But everyone who was looking for me during the unrest found me and could access me. Secondly, starting with my phone, it was on and I confirm it was not on silent."

I think you meant everyone except the misguided souls above, their mournful cries, I imagine, echoing eerily. Instead of just calling you on your mobile. Maybe the horrendous airtime costs..

Sir, it gets a bit murky further on and I think you should have stopped earlier.

"And the whole communication system of SAPS that is activated during an operation was activated and no one was found to be looking for me. Even the community [CPFs through a community activation plan], could access me and we communicated."

You don't see a teeny contradiction? 

Then again, you concluded quite nicely and succinctly:

"I don’t want to dispel the fact that there might have been people who were looking for me but all those who were looking for me at the right place did find me." 

Couldn't be clearer.

Yours in the struggle for crystal clear communication.

Richard 

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Learning From Looters

 Dear Mr President 

It must be tough being you. 

Even Bra Joe, who deals with pollution, fast food, traffic and municipal police daily, and needs Procydin to get through the day, doesn't have it as hard.

I bet you bury your head in your hands each time Mr Fu.., sorry, Fixit and other cabinet members open their well-oiled mouths. That's a lot of head-burying and some say you should bury them instead. Deep. I do understand your 'eendrag maak mag' approach  (unity is strength). It's a tradition dating from the fabulous days of the brotherhood  / broederbond. 

The advice you are getting is probably of similar quality to the pre-unrest / insurrection intelligence. One look at your cabinet suggests that. Listening to their dialogue, an  outlandish mixture of Orwell, Kafka and the Marx Brothers (Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, Gummo and Karl),  strengthens the suspicion. Seeing things that have fallen apart, now decomposing as well, confirms that.

It must be deeply depressing doing a SWOT analysis. Here's some decent advice. 

Let's look at what is working well in South Africa (appreciative inquiry). Looting springs to mind immediately. Now what lessons might we learn from looting?

1. Focus. Don't sweat the small stuff. In the gritty language of the mining fraternity: "Kyk noord en v@#$ voort"

2. Vision. Dream big. 'Millions are for wimps. Billions or bust.'

3. Boldness. Best expressed by Macbeth's witches (lightly retouched):

Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are. Comrades shall never vanquished be until the Lord himself shall come.

 

4. Choose your friends wisely. From Hamlet:

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel..

5. Productivity. Kipling retouched:

 If you can fill the unforgiving minute, with sixty seconds worth of looting done...

6. Know thyself. Rapio ergo sum - I loot, therefore I am 

It's worked for them.

Yours in the struggle for wisdom and direction.

Richard 

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Eine kleine Nachtmusik

 To the tune of 'Stand By Me'

In the night, Eskom

When the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see 

Oh I feel so betrayed

All the bills that I've paid

And there's no

Electricity

Oh darn it, darn it

Can't you see 

All the misery 

When there's no 

Electricity 

If the lights that we depend upon

Should flicker and fail

Or the fridge ice should tumble to the floor

I can't grill, I can't  fry

There's no coal for the braai

Oh. darn it, darn it

Can't you see

Oh, the misery

When there's no

Electricity 

Darn it, darn it

Can't you see

It's misery 

Misery 

Forever we're in trouble

 When you drop the ball

Damn it all

You're a schmuck

And we're stuck, stuck with you 

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Fighting Corruption

 Dear Mr Kaunda

You vowed, not so long ago, to fight Corruption. 

I'm checking in to see how you're doing in the early rounds. I'm sure that you are stripped down to your boxing shorts (tasteful ANC colours). 

The ANC, the Don King of South African fights, have been promising action-starved SA fight fans this match for many years. One rumour has it that you ducked out of a July date. I don't believe it. 

Apparently you have some of the most experienced corner -men / corner-persons in the fight game. The name Gumede has been bandied about.

A plus-factor is that your opponent may not be in prime condition. He has been seen dining (some say pigging) in various places in KZN. He remains, however, a cunning, ruthless opponent. His skill at hanging onto the ropes and using every inch of the arena is legendary. He also has a crowd of raucous, fanatical supporters, who don't care what dirty tricks he resorts to in and out of the ring. Bought, some say. Brain-dead, others say. He did take some stinging blows in recent fights but his resilience is also legendary. Apparently he loves fighting in KZN and has been heard to say that the thickly humid climate suits him to a T.

You do realize, sir, that his stable-mate, Incompetence, has also been in training for years. You cannot claim the undefeated champion's belt until you've beaten both. Nothing short of a knockout will do. 

I'd suggest that you skip the touching gloves, sir, and get down to it. KZN waits.

Yours in the guts - and - glory struggle.

Richard

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Buggered

I thought this was passing strange until I read of the election of the Ethekwini mayor and his team:

"Zambian pastor James Sakara asked to be buried alive so he could come back to life in three days like Jesus. He didn't make it. Police have arrested the believers who helped bury him." https://t.co/NlDvHaOf9m

The voters appear to have done the same thing for KZN and there is even less hope for a resurrection. Not in three days. Not in three years. Unfortunately, the democratic process does not allow for the arrest of those responsible.

Past performance is an excellent predictor of future performance. The not-so-new mayor, it is widely said, did not cover himself in glory during the July unrest. Ms Gumede, on the other hand, say some, covered herself in....something else. And the voters are now hoping for what? It's like paying to watch a new production of Faustus in the hope that it will end differently

One could shoot oneself in the foot by accident. Clumsy, painful, regrettable. But to follow up by shooting oneself in the butt defies explanation. Perhaps it's the Durban poison. Or a variant of the old 'Natal Fever' virus. It couldn't be that we're that dumb, could it?

Someone said, on social media, that KZN is @#$%ed. That's going too far.

Buggered, yes.

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Blunderland

 "Gang of robbers storms army base, steals tanks and armoured vehicles."

At the rate we're going (downhill), this fictional report isn't as ludicrous as it seems at first reading.

"The robbers went on to rob, then flatten a couple of nearby shopping malls. The president was shocked and had to be revived with smelling salts from a certified BBBEE supplier. Mr Cele said that police would work day and night to establish whether the robbers had valid licenses for the army vehicles. Also whether there was a link to allegedly racist killings that occurred recently." (Report by MERDE: Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies).

It is going to be well nigh impossible to write fiction about South Africa. There is no more disbelief to suspend willingly. Anything is now possible. And probable. Alice in Wonderland was a sober, academic treatise by comparison.

This follows reports about the storming of a police station in Limpopo (where else?). The number of robbers waxed and waned from thirty to ten, depending on which report one read. A spokesperson with a genius for stating the blindingly obvious contributed the following:

'Services at the police station were temporarily affected during the armed robbery.'

It probably would be a little awkward to continue writing out affidavits with a gun to one's head.

"The SAPS can now confirm that the police station is now fully functional and accessible to members of the public.", 

Not sure I'd be burning with eagerness to seek their services after that episode. 

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Wild Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have a friend in Kakistan. The stories he tells are barely credible.

Lately though, they have become so bizarre that I fear he is lying or losing his mind. I want to recommend a good analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen. I don't know how to approach my friend and would value some advice. Judge for yourselves.

During municipal elections, he says, some of the provinces voted overwhelmingly for the very party they have been protesting against. Not even a month later, they are again protesting about service delivery.

It gets more surreal. Apparently two candidates convicted of crimes were voted into top positions in one district. Now, in our country, we would not even allow them to stand. A bit  like electing Bonny and Clyde as sheriff and deputy, isnt it? Even in Kakistan, that defies belief.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help howling with laughter at this story. Two of their nominees for the vacant chief justice position are facing impeachment. He was not amused when I suggested that they canvass the local shebeens and taverns for likely candidates. Did I go too far? He mumbled sulkily that they are no longer in the running. "Ah, that makes it ok, then", I said, manfully hiding a smirk. "Proves that commonsense is in abundance in your country."

There were stories of corruption, depthless incompetence and the most exquisite buffoonery. I won't repeat those here. They are almost pornographic in the way that they violate everything that makes us better than slugs.

Apparently their new councillors are not expected to have basic computer skills. Papyrus is freely available. 

I rest my case. We've had democracy for twenty-seven years and which South African, in his / her right mind, could believe this fermented garbage?

Yours in the struggle for truth. 

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

 

My Kingdom For An SUV

Dear Mr Malema

I find nothing unusual or untoward in your giving that king chap a Mercedes. A vehicle fit for a king. Had you given him a BMW or Toyota Corolla, now that would have been questionable. 

I think this fits quite nicely with your party's commitment to the needy. The king needed a vehicle, befitting his status. As king and one-time prisoner of conscience. Nice fit with dialectical materialism, too. This entire situation arises out of material needs. I am sure that there also some dialectics involved.

You looked quite royal yourself, in the recent pictures taken at the deeply moving handover ceremony. Rightly so. Your minio..., I mean, your followers have no questions about VBS, Ratanang, deals, tenders or your cartwheels and contortions. The sort of dum.., pardon, blin..., pardon, traditional allegiance that is the monarch's due.

Should you be seeking more kings to bolster the brand, let's get in touch. After all, 2024 is not far off. I am distantly related to the large King family of KZN. I am willing to wield my not inconsiderable influence. Of course, one needs a reliable SUV for that sort of work. 

The king scoffed at the ridiculous notion that this was a bribe. Things have come to a pretty pass if we can't accept the word of a king. Good grief, it must be at least as solid as that of your average South African politician. (A friend says that they are very average).

Yours in the struggle to restore dignity to the monarchy and the commoners on the ground.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Brew

Dear Advertising Standards Authority 

I take strong exception to two beer advertisements currently being flighted on TV. Usually between Uyajola and Durban Gen, neither of which I watch.

In one ad, a gentleman with a suspiciously Scottish accent rudely berates a South African for ordering lime with his beer. While I regard ruining a good beer with lime as on a par with skewering little children, I will defend to the death every South African's right to do so. Ruin his beer, not the other. We don't need our former colonial masters interfering with our freedoms to turn our beer into horse urine. If we so desire.

In the genteel environs of a Wentworth pub, such behaviour would never be tolerated. I can hear the interjections from outraged patrons:

"Who you, bru?"

"Where you from, bru? Newlands East?"

"Ekse, how you dalaring with a ou having his dop in peace?"

The second ad, clearly blatantly false advertising, tells me that there's gold in my beer. Many quarts, crates and blinding headaches later, guess what? There may well be barley, hops and water aplenty. The fake diamond rush in Newcastle was a roaring success by comparison.

I intend to sue for the usual: mental anguish, loss of opportunity and other stuff I'm checking Google for.

Should the brands involved offer a year's supply of beer in a shameless attempt at bribery, I will be incandescent with indignation. On the other hand, one must sometimes do the pragmatic thing for the furtherance of world peace and other stuff. I would let it slide, while reluctantly  letting the beverage slide down my throat.

Yours in the struggle for human rights.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Reporting From Kakistan

Dear TV News Peoples 

Zuvedzai. This is Kakistani for 'Hollo'.

I am newly arriving in your pretty country. Very nice. I am well knowed television news reporter in Kakistan. Much news like your country. Good news and bad news, very same as yours.

The reason I am correspond with you is seeking employment as TV news reporter. My English is not so beautiful yet but I see is not supremely important on your English news. I am rapid learner and will soon be speaking like the queen. I have already learn much from your reporter in East Cape. I also willing to learn the funicular and do reporting therein as well. I am abling to rapidly scoop up languages.

I have inclosed some videos of my news reports I done in Kakistan. People are saying that the Kakistani accent is sexual like the French one. I am sure that your viewers will enjoying. 

Oh, by the road, I have working permit from friends at Homing Affairs. Good peoples. They come outside to help me and fees was sensible.

I noticing that quality of your news is, as we say at home, kak. This is Kakistani for excellence. (Kakistan mean 'Place Of Excellence' in English).

I am glancing forward to hearing from you with speed. 

Yours in the struggling for excellence in news and communications.

Richard

(One more things: I am also renouned back home for the writings on bottom of screen.)

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Grateful Dead

Dear Home Affairs 

According to TV news, a gentleman is struggling to prove that he is alive because your records have him down as having departed this vale of tears. 

I feel for him. I also go with the Chinese notion that crisis equals opportunity. His crisis, my opportunity. I herewith, hereby and forthwith apply to be declared dead until further notice. This would give me a respite from creditors and other stressful life issues. My WhatsApp and Facebook status will be edited accordingly.

Please do not respond with the standard government issue stuff about the difficulties involved. I have done my homework. This gentleman is not the first. You have handled the recording of deaths with great efficiency and aplomb. Could we please proceed without delay. 

I am sure that many politicians and public servants would benefit from this service. There are whole departments in the state apparatus that have shown no signs of life for some time.

One issue troubles me. A gentleman complained that he cannot travel. We live in a woke world. Why should the dead be discriminated against? I don't see why any dead person, with appropriate documentation, should not be allowed to travel where the spirit moves him / her. I am willing to take the knee for that. Or go full length. The Grateful Dead have never suffered travel restrictions. Racism? Yes we, in South Africa, are cemeteries ahead of the rest of the world with our DEE practices (Dead Employment Equity). It's been reported that dead people have voted, drawn salaries and won tenders. Proud to be South African. Let's just fix the travel thing.

 

I will notify you when I am ready to rejoin the living. Assuming, of course, that the rehearsal doesn't transition  into opening night in the interim. 

Yours in the struggle for some peace, if not in life, at least in temporary death.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Revolutionary

Dear Revolutionaries, Populists and Assorted Politicians  

Like you, I am deeply interested in revolution and the sweet, succulent fruits thereof.

I recently came across some truly revolutionary concepts,  which my revolutionary fervour compels me, dear comrades, to share forthwith. After all, an epiphany for one is an epiphany for all. 

You may well be unfamiliar with these, so I plundered the Oxford and Cambridge for definitions. The sloganeering and placard waving is all rather old school. And, let's face it, as ineffectual as urinating in a howling gale. This is cutting edge without actually cutting anyone. Much as one hates to admit it, many of the revolutions, to which you look, have had less than stellar outcomes. I think it was the poet Ernesto Cardenal, himself a real revolutionary, who wrote of the horns on the revolutionary beast evolving into dictators. Of course, some of us will never accept the capitalist fables about failed revolutionary states. Go to any of the model states and see the sheen of joy and optimism in the eyes of the citizens as they gleefully queue for bread.  Hang onto the dream - even if it becomes a nightmare for others. 

But, to business. Hold onto your stylish, South American, revolutionary headgear for just a few of these startlingly revolutionary concepts:

Service: the action of helping or doing work for someone.

Competence: the ability to do something successfully or efficiently.

Statesmanship:   the ability or practice  of a statesman, wisdom and skill in the management of public affairs

Humility:  the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people; freedom from pride or arrogance 

Humanity: the quality of being humane; benevolence.

It may be that an absence of some of these causes the seeds of dictatorship to germinate out of the revolutionary soil. But that's for the scholars. 

As you gleefully embrace this novel approach, don't feel obliged to thank me. Anything for the Cause.

Some struggle to process this stuff. That's the problem with counter-revolutionaries. So conservative.

Yours in revolutionary fervour.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Now You See Me

 Out of South Africa, always some comic relief.

'Two suspected criminals, who were carrying muti they believed would make them invisible while stealing from supermarkets, were caught by members of the Reaction Unit South Africa on Sunday.' | @WitnessKZN 

Dear  Suspected Criminals 

Three times thank you:

1. For one of the heartiest laughs I've had in a long time. Rivalled some of the Zondo Commission sittings, Mr Zuma's philosophical musings and Ms Mbete's Al Jazeera special.

2. For proving again that no matter how bad a day one's having, someone's having a worse one.

3. For confirming for me that I am not the dumbest person in South Africa.

The quest for invisibility is not new in South Africa. Politicians were quite successful during the July unrest. Councillors have mastered it between  elections. Mr Cele's had mixed results. I don't know of anyone who's pulled it off in your line of work.

Dear SCs, there are some technical questions begging to be asked:

1. Did you sanitize at the entrance? That would have been a significant clue. Did invisibility kick in only once you were strolling down the aisles?

2. Did people avoid walking into you? That might just possibly have told you something. Or did they bump into you occasionally?

3. We've heard of products flying off the shelves, but how did you plan on dealing with the reactions of shoppers?

4. Were your clothes included in the invisibility cover or were you planning a Capitec approach? Come to think of it, that may explain the nude romp by the lady ìn that bank.

5. Why did you not perform a simple test first? For example, find a suitable person and administer a resounding klap. Their response would have told you all you needed to know.

These questions are, of course, in the interests of scientific research. Also, to assist others who may want to do an alternative trolley dash at, say, Game, or other great retailers. Please respond when your busy schedule permits.

I do hope that you find your muti supplier, after an appropriate period of reflection and meditation. He owes you, at the very least, an explanation. Unless, of course, he has perfected the formula by then.

Yours in the grail-like quest for invisibility.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723