The Dark Side

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Dark forces wrote the letter alleging vote buying during the ANC shindig. 

According to a KZN ANC person, there were fake, false, faceless people behind this bit of skulduggery. Great alliteration. 

It doesn't get falser than that.

Asked if the province would investigate, a Mr Mtolo said:

"We normally do not engage in things that don't exist". (Just occasionally?).

"We do not chase ghosts", he added. Wise approach. They are very elusive, according to informed sources.

Prior to this, a newspaper article told of the 'damning vote buying' letter. The ANC's electoral commission has remained silent over the 'alarming' allegations, said the article. Is there an ever-so-slightly accusatory note here?  A hint of righteous or unrighteous indignation? Methinks the journo doth protest too much? Perhaps I'm being hypersensitive. 

After the dark forces revelation, a follow-up article spoke of 'Confusion as delegate distances himself....'.  One way to avoid confusion is to check. (Remember the decuplets?).  Or has that part been dropped from journalism 101?

Was there some haste to get the juicy tidbit to the presses? 

I did come away with some interesting points to ponder;

1. Star Wars is not just fiction. There are dark forces out there.  In addition to the usual dark force stuff, they also write letters.

2. I need to read newspaper articles carefully. Truth may not necessarily be the holy grail for every journalist.  A sad, sobering realisation.

3. Beware of letters from dark forces. I received a letter from someone purporting to be a creditor's lawyer. The aggressive tone and misuse of apostrophes convinced me that it was one of those dark forces letters. Taking a leaf out of Mr Mtolo's book, I replied that I do not engage in things that do not exist. Nor do I chase ghosts, I added. That should take care of that.

Now, to business. Is vote buying season still open? I am not an ANC member but have many friends who are. I am open to doing some lobbying, if rates are market-related. 

.

Yours in the struggle for transparency and fair remuneration.

Richard

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Limericks For Africa

As we stumble and scuffle our way to 2023:

A famous statesman named Zuma

Had a helluva sense of humour

Around him swirled scandal and rumour

But he didn't care and turned not a hair

As he answered 'heh, heh, heh, heh.

A prominent SG named Ace

Was booted out of his place

He's vanished from sight

And try as he might

He just can't get back in the race

A president named Ramaphosa 

Allegedly did up a sofa

The country went nuts

With yohs, ifs and buts

And some said he was mafiosa

There was a  young lady named Dudu 

Who handled Twitter like voodoo

Some were enraged and with insults engaged

But you might as well cuss at a kudu

A minister named Mbalula 

Who couldn't have thought himself cooler

While the roads went to hell

The railroad as well

And  ghost workers chowed up the moolah 

A minister named Sisulu

Waba nenkinga enkulu

She sought the solution

In a palace revolution 

But lacked a strong constitution 

A certain minister, Cele

Like smoking hot pele pele

Chased down smokers and dop

Gave surfers the chop

But real criminals: Oh, what a flop

There was a grootman named Gwede

Who said: "Green energy, merde!"

Give me karpowerships 

Load up coal to the tips

And I'll light us from here to Cape Verde 

A minister greatly inspired

A monument mighty desired

But the people went mad

It turned ugly and bad

As they yelled: "Of your k..k we are tired"

A minister startled the Swiss

And drove them into a fever

She flew over Paris 

Gave their country a miss

Yet somehow touched down in Geneva

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Zuma vs Zuma

 Dear Mr Zuma 

I trust that regular swims in the firepool and bracing dance routines are keeping you fit and in unfailing good humour. 

Your enemies in Stratcom, WMC and the CIA, even in this season of peace and goodwill, are hard at their dirty work. My reasonable duty is to warn you, lest Mr Fraser and Mr Manyi have been lulled into lethargy by helpings of turkey and brandy-soaked fruitcake.

An excerpt from the cheeky utterances of someone from the Zuma group of restaurants:

“Zuma is not affiliated or connected with the Durban restaurant in any manner,” the statement read.

Well, thank goodness for that.

“A dispute is in progress between Zuma and the Durban restaurant and Zuma plans to take legal action regarding the trademark.”

It's a bit confusing as to which Zuma plans to take legal action. If not you, sir, I suggest that you engage Mr Mpofu without delay. This is a thinly veiled attack on your former-presidential self. How dare they talk of legal action? Did they seek permission to use your family name? A name that surely rolled off tongues through many centuries. A Zuma must have been present at iSandlwana, administering spear thrusts to assorted redcoats. Or perhaps supervising from a strategically located hilltop. Long before that, too. And they have the barefaced cheek to say that 'Zuma was co-founded in 2002 and Zuma London, the first restaurant to open, remained the brand’s home base.'

It would not surprise me to learn that there are ancient links between the Aztec Zumas and your esteemed family. It's not inconceivable  that one or the other group went slightly off course during a fishing or hunting expedition and landed on the shores of the other. Your bearing and features have often had me wondering. Apparently, the Aztec name Zuma means Lord Frowns In Anger and I imagine that you are, even now, frowning in anger at the insolence of these upstarts.

Sir, I suggest that you register the Msholozi trademark soonest, before Msholozi Restaurant chains spring up in Melbourne, Paris and Tokyo. Just yesterday, I heard a mall Santa going 'Heh, Heh, Heh' instead of 'Ho, Ho, Ho'. You need to register that trademark chuckle, too.

The offending article went on to say that:

'In 2022, Zuma opened a first-of-its-kind lifestyle concept in Mykonos, offering a wider day-to-night experience for guests including DJ sets, a chic infinity pool, floating pool beds and multiple menus for lunch, sunset bites and dinner.'

Let them beat this: In 2009, Mr Zuma opened a first-of-its-kind political comedy concept, offering a wider entertainment experience for all South Africans, including dancing, a unique firepool and multiple high jinks on any given day  No contest.

The Zuma brand is unique and valuable. Your daughter knows this. I would not allow this brazen hijacking thereof.

Yours in the struggle for trademark protection.

Richard

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'

The Battle Of Buffalo

 From the journals of Lord McKaiser, Supreme Commander of the armies of Ahritee:

"We camp this night on the eastern bank of the River Ankol. Our wounded stir and mutter in their restless sleep. It is with a heavy heart that I chronicle, before the campfire, the fortunes of our campaign.

But five days before this gloom-filled night, we crossed this selfsame river, riding and marching west. Our hearts were lifted as high as the brave standards,  fluttering in the breeze. The blessings of the bishop Chambè were in our hearts, a song of war upon our lips. The Ankolites would taste, e're many days, the wrath and vengeance of Ahritee.

We made camp on the western bank. The old general, Lord Jayzee, with tales of battles past and warlike songs and dance did strengthen and encourage our hearts. 

Upon the plain of Buffalo, the Ankolites stood in array. Chief of our foes,  Cyrus The Cautious, his chariot to the rear, had neither smile nor frown upon his face. 

"Mark well the king", I commanded our generals.  "When we take him, this day's work is done."

The legion of the Northwest, having deserted their liege lord, had added to our numbers. Strife, treachery and confusion were in the camp of the enemy. All augured well for victory.

And indeed we pressed the foe sore. Fear was in their eyes and pallor on their brows.  Alas, when victory was but a hand's-breadth away, the battle turned. I know not by what trickery or evil spells, for in the heat and dust of battle, there is much confusion.  Some say that swords  were bought with gold. Be that as it may, though we carved a bloody path to Cyrus, a Mantashite warrior shielded him from our keen blades. His girth was that of two stout men. He smote many of our valiant warriors, bellowing oaths and curses in a voice like a brass instrument.

And so, the day was lost, for all the valour of our gallant men. I fear that the wounded may not see another sunrise. Captain Dirko lies among them. Even our gallant warrior women, Lady Endazed and Princess Lianda, were sore wounded. 

We ride and march at dawn for Castle Incandescent. There is much planning to be done, for surely, even now,  Cyrus unleashes the legions of The Hawks and The Serpents to wreak bloody vengeance.

More sorrows follow. A messenger come lately from the city of Durb-Ann, tells that the Lady Dodia, stricken with grief, will neither eat nor drink, but cries out, without ceasing: "Treachery, Oh Treachery".  It may hap that her good father, Lord Jayzee, can soothe her wounded spirit with song and dance (for he has the gift of healing music). 

All may yet be well. We must believe."

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Comfort And Joy And The ANC

Dear ANC Top Guys 

What a jolly Christmas do. You guys know how to have fun. You are not called the Party for nothing.

On TV news, I caught what I assumed was your year-end bash. I tuned in a bit late. I love the singing. Nice variation on  the old Christmas carols.  I caught a great tune about 'Buya Ramaphosa' or something. There was another along the lines of 'Hamba Ramaphosa'. I guess the songwriter was exploring all the creative options.  Is there any chance of getting the lyrics?  I'm thinking of working the songs into our next caroling outing. So lively and full of joyous sentiments.

The dancing was equally captivating. I found myself doing a couple of lively steps to 'Wena Zweli uyaz'. I'm not sure what it is that Zweli knows but it's bound to be good stuff,  if the rhythm is anything to go by.  I just wished that Mr Zuma would get into the spirit of things a little. He looked a bit morose. Perhaps that haunting tune 'Akabuyi' (he is not coming back) triggered some nostalgia.

That well proportioned chap with a deep, gravelly voice makes a great Santa. Just  that his Ho, Ho, Ho sounded more like No, No, No.  

I did not get to see the grub but I'm sure that it was of the same high standard as the entertainment. A friend told me that the Party is no slouch when it comes to eating. He said it with an enigmatic smile but he's always been one of those with clever tendencies. Anyway, I'm sure that your entertainment budget is as healthy as your wages and salaries budget.

Nothing like a good Christmas bash to take one's mind off unemployment, crime, blackouts, corruption and other woes. 

And I know that you were eating and drinking on behalf of every South African. Some of us have small appetites but please don't let that hinder you. 

In the spirit of the season, here's a tune for you, cannibalized, with apologies to the relevant artists:

God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember 2024
Is still quite far away
There's time enough to bring those back
Who might have gone astray
With tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh tidings of comfort and joy

Yours in the struggle for epic Christmas bashes.

Richard

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Conspiracies, Cash And Christmas

I am delighted that we can compete with the  best in conspiracy theories and jolly litigation  larks. 

Those upstart Americans had the Castro beard conspiracy, the Kennedy conspiracies and numerous UFO conspiracies. But, as the rapper said, can't touch this:

Mr Zuma has criminally charged Mr Ramaphosa. This is almost as good as Dr Ace's Catch 2021, suspense filled saga, in which the suspended Secretary General suspended the president. See https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2021/05/dr-aces-catch-2021.html

I warned then that we were likely to see soccer and rugby players pull red cards out of back pockets. I am so glad to see Mr Zuma continue in the delightfully mad tradition of the zany humour of Mad Magazine and Joseph Heller's Catch 22. 

I always thought that we had potential to be a giant on the continent. We are coming into our own as a serious player on the world stage of satire and off-the-wall humour. 

I am having special cards printed for any encounters that I might have with law enforcement types. They will include such powerful legal rejoinders as:

 "No, YOU are under arrest" 

"YOU are charged for harassing peaceful motorists rushing to church services"  

Mr Zuma's much loved daughter joined in the fun, labelling this crowning moment in national comedy as "Breaking News".  Lord, they do know how to make us laugh.

I was in the act of propping up my sagging, favourite easy chair with a stack of legal tender bills (only material available at the time), when I saw this intriguing tweet:

"BREAKING NEWS YOU NEED TO RETWEET‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

There's someone that called a meeting to plot against President Zuma. We have their names but cannot disclose as yet. They are planning to isolate Msholozi . The meeting took place in Sandton. R2million was exchanged. More coming ‼️"

I can confirm that I was in the immediate vicinity, visiting a local shebeen (recommend the cold brew and chicken feet snacks). I can also confirm that I saw large sums of money changing hands - between a fruit seller and customers.  

Of course, it does seem like a rather fruitless, redundant exercise isolating an alteady isolated Mr Zuma. The only way I see him becoming more isolated is by joining the 'Alone' survival show as a contestant  (spells in the wilds of Canada, Patagonia, Mongolia).

This talk of substantial amounts of filthy lucre changing hands stirs my social conscience. It is the season of giving. It is more blessed to give than to receive. I am willing and eager to bless anyone burdened by large amounts of cash by receiving same. As a disciplined member of the SCSANC (Struggling Citizens of South Africa's National Congress), I vote a resounding 'yes'.

God rest you merry, gentlemen. Ladies too.

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High Noon In Parliament

 Dear Dr Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma 

I was deeply moved by your ringing declaration during the furniture upholstery vote in parliament. 

"As a disciplined member of the ANC, I vote yes"

Of course, it might have been a bit premature, as I imagine that you may be disciplined later.

Your speech evoked echoes of Churchill's "fight them on the beaches" speech. Okay, it was shorter, not as eloquent, not as convincing, delivery a little flat. But in every other respect, uncannily similar. Or am I thinking of Bheki Cele's 'fight them on the beaches' speech?

This is quite consistent with your principled stand during the exciting Zuma years. An excerpt from a 2017 news report:

Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma has lashed out at those who voted against President Jacob Zuma in the motion of no confidence vote that took place on 8 August.

Like the sheriff in High Noon, you faced them down then, too. Your critics say that this is contradictory, hypocritical, opportunistic. I say that 2017 was a long time ago. A lot can change in a week in politics. Let alone a couple of years. What the heck, it's the principle, isn't it? And Jacob Zuma was the principal actor back then.

You made this insightful point:

"No-one is above the ANC and anyone who thinks they are above it has lost their consciousness," 

You did seem to have your consciousness when you voted. Of course, it can be hard to tell with our ministers and MPs. 

There was this postscript to that 2017 saga:

The crowd also cheered when ANC Youth League general secretary Njabulo Nzuza said that the Members of Parliament who had voted against the ANC had to be hunted down and kicked out of the organisation.

That seems rather excessive. No need for hunting. Everybody knows who and where the honourable members are.

Bravo for making that walk down the deserted high street, curtains twitching on each side. I assume that the actual shootout is yet to come. Keep those six-shooters oiled.

No parliamentary drama is complete without some mystery.  Did some key actors go missing during the vote? Ms Sisulu perhaps among them? It happens. Moments of stress and high drama can affect the bowels and bladder. Happened to me during a Sharks vs Bulls game. Perfectly understandable.

Yours in the struggle for consistency, a principled stand and bladder control.

Richard 

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ANC Saga: Drama And Tender Moments

Dear ANC

Out of the heat, dust and noise of your little family squabble come some literary gems that should be preserved for posterity.

This tweet from Ms Bathabile Dlamini still gives me goosebumps:

"When you have an organisation within an organisation the organisation will collapse.We take decisions but because people have meetings ,take decisions before actual decisions of the ANC NEC.even those we trusted and thought were beyond reproach have been used ,what’s the price"

Succinct, muscular language that also conjures up images of plotting in smoky rooms, dark deeds and daggers concealed in diverse places. There's a Murder She Wrote feel to this wonderful, all-too-short piece. 

It reminds me of Dr Ace's seminal work:

 "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."

An ill-mannered, ignorant friend described your rambl..., sorry,  writings, as gobbledygook. It's challenging to parcel up the complexity and mystery of  ANC life in a brief statement or tweet. He may have thought that he heard the anguished screams of the tortured English language.  But, hey, great writing and profound thought can be like that.

This saga should be on TV.  Yes, I know that SABC minutely chronicles even your most obscure doings. I am talking about a dramatic series to rival Durban Gen.

Shot through with wildly hilarious episodes and lots of tender moments, we'd be a cert for an Emmy. Oh hang on, we can't accept an award from those meddling, imperialist Americans who grudgingly donate billions from time to time. There must be a prestigious Russian award somewhere. At any rate, we already have a Tony for the side-splitting episode about the fellow chosen to head up an integrity committee.

For family viewing, we'd have to omit the shootings that happen in various municipalities. Even if they do make up an integral part of the drama.

The child who ran away from home, the fascinating EFF, also shows great promise. I am rather concerned about scurrilous rumours on social media that the CIC has been 'doing coke'. That would be scandalous. Coke, after all, is the quintessential symbol of American capitalist greed. Particularly, paired with a hamburger. What about Co-ee, JIVE and other South African brands? EFF, please attend to this and let us know what you have sniffed out.

Yours in the struggle for great South African literature and television.

Richard

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South Africa The Pitiful

Another alternative anthem, to the tune of America The Beautiful 

O pitiful for specious lies

Over the benighted land

For anarchy and lawlessness

On every  barren plain!

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

O pitiful for shattered dreams

That fade with every year

For vengeful dreams of vicious men

Unmoved by human tears

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

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It's The Most, Most Bizarre Time Of The Year

To the tune of It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It's the most, most bizarre  time of the year
With all parties yelling
And everyone telling you it's a nightmare
It's the most, most bizarre time of the year

It's the bat-battiest season of all
With the cash in the sofas and so frantic meetings
When everyone's in on the brawl
It's the bat-battiest season of all

EFF will be toasting
The president's roasting
And RET'll put on a show 
There'll be scary spy stories
And tales of the glories of
Presidents long, long ago

It's the most, most bizarre time of the year
There'll be much mgodoying 
And eyes will be glowing
When first prize is near
It's the most, most bizarre time of the year

There'll be enemies gloating
And buffoons showboating 
And everything vile on show
There'll be hairy old stories
And tales of the glories of
The Party of long, long ago

It's the most, most bizarre time of the year
There'll be much, much mud throwing
And hearts will be glowing
When victory is near
It's a weird ghastly time
Yes the most, most bizarre time
Oh a strange,  unnatural  time
Of the year

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Elderly, Revolutionary Rubbish

 How did we get into such a mess?

People are concerned that the president may go because of a unique sofa upholstery experiment. They are terrified that what will follow will make the darkness of Mordor (Lord Of The Rings) look like a Durban summer sunrise. Orcs salivate.

How did we get here?

First the audacious lie

The turning of the blind eye

The poison by and by

Orwell understood how the liars, frauds and tinpot dictators use language: 

'Some animals are more equal than others'

'Four legs good, two legs better'

'Newspeak, thoughtcrime, unthink'

"The elderly rubbish they talk", wrote Auden, of dictators. 

Here's a guide to 'elderly rubbish' in South Africa - a glossary of terms:

Comrade - someone in your party that you will probably stick a knife into someday

Patriot - all-embracing term which can include oxygen thieves, liars, common or garden thieves

Racism - useful one-size-fits-all label for anyone with counterrevolutionary or white tendencies, their policies, values, family, friends, pets and possessions.

Revolutionary - describes all beliefs, words, actions and possessions of those fortunate enough to belong to a revolutionary organization. One may have revolutionary condoms, for example. Whether anything revolutionary actually happens is beside the point and is a preoccupation only of racist, right-wingers.

Our People - people that one may manipulate, lie to and defraud  - all for their own good.

Unafrican - whatever does not suit one's narrative or purposes at a specific time. This may shift as the tectonic plates are said to shift.

The Struggle - initially, the struggle for freedom and democracy. Now, a useful concept to dine out on. Used similarly to 'abracadabra' and 'open sesame.

Corrupt - used to describe any rival, who may or may not be as corrupt, more so or less so than oneself.

The Masses - same meaning as 'our people' just with a revolutionary flavour and a touch of contempt.

Stratcom - any communication in conflict with the pure, biltong-textured, revolutionary version.

Counterrevolutionaries - usually white-tendencied, people who dare hold opposing views to the self-evident truths held dear by comrades.

Whites - see 'White Walkers' in Game Of Thrones. Sinister, mysterious, with Marvel-like superpowers.

Van Riebeeck - powerful spirit-being behind all crime, corruption, concupiscence  and greed in South Africa. A Pale Side equivalent of the Dark Side in Star Wars.

Radical Economic Transformation  (RET) - a nebulous statement of intent, out of which has come nothing radical or transformative to date. Can be used as a meditative chant.

We tolerated the lies, turned a blind eye to the elephant taking a dump in the room, and now, only a massive amputation will save us from  the flow of poison.

This is the unpalatable, unafrican,  counterrevolutionary truth. 

The truth nevertheless.

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The Measure Of A Government

 One measure of the stature and character of a country is how it treats all of its citizens.

Particularly, how it treats the vulnerable.

To mouth on about "our people" is cheap talk. It means as much as a burp from a drink-champagne-on-behalf-of-the -people politician. It's what you do that tells the whole tale.

The Great Liberation Movement has put its cards on the table. Quite clearly for all to see. Those that have eyes to see. You see it in the dawn to dusk queues at government departments. You see it in the total lack of remorse at the brazen ransacking of the public purse. You witness the indifference to the burdens that  incompetence, corruption, maladministration, gross negligence and more lay on the shoulders of long-suffering citizens.  As Hamlet put it: "the insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes..."

The obscene flaunting of unmerited leadership  privilege  in the midst of pain and suffering is the gross icing on this poisoned cake.

But people vote in large numbers for this caricature of a governing party. Perhaps there is a perception that this is all there is. If so, a sad, sad settling for the dregs at the bottom of human potential. Shame on a leadership that scuttles along the bottom and keeps its people from even a glimpse of how bright the world can be. Shame on you.

I was reminded of this at the monthly pilgrimage to the SASSA old age pension payouts at the local chain supermarket. This is the monthly, magical, mystery tour, incorporating agonizingly long waits, mysterious halts to the process, sore knees and the usual game of 'what is the eff  is up  this time'. 

In true festive spirit, today's jolly queue was a record one. A staff member helpfully told us that the money hadn't arrived. The rest was speculation.  Had there been a yuletide cash in transit heist?  Was some official enroute to Mauritius with bulging bags?  Oh yes, you know better than to dismiss that as a silly joke. This is South Africa, a world of possibilities, most of them nasty, bizarre, defying logic or comprehension. Four hours after the queue first formed, the first payouts began.

I don't know whether our caring government  or our caring we're-here-for -you supermarket was at fault. At any rate, our business people tend to play a milder version of the government game. It's called Torture The Customer In Every Inventive Way You Can. There is an FTE variant - eff the elderly.

That, South Africa, is what your elected government thinks of you. Many businesses, like spaniels,  follow on their heels. 

Where there is callousness, indifference, selfish greed, neither stature nor character will be found. 

Just the pervasive, lingering stench of your standard shithole country (acknowledgements to Donald).

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The So Mangled Banner

 

An alternative anthem, to the tune of The Star Spangled Banner

Oh say can you see

By Eskom's weird light

How the stations are stripped

And the sleepers are stolen

Whose  broad rails and bright trains

Through the once peaceful  land

From the roadside we watched

Were so busily steaming

Now the tracers'' red glare

Bullets flying in air

Give proof through the night

That the Zamas are here

O say, does that so mangled banner yet wave

O'er the land of the free

Of the free-for-all

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The Chronicles Of Cyrus

 In the time of the Great Pestilence, Cyrus The Cautious ascended the throne. 

There was a famine in the land and Cyrus gathered his wise men together to take counsel of them. And one stood forth and cried out:

"Let every house be given, at each new moon, a piece of silver, that they may buy bread and start ice cream businesses."

And this thing was good in the sight of the king.  And it was done according to the words of the wise ones. The people rejoiced and did praise Cyrus for his wisdom. 

But in the fair land of rolling hills, the old king Jayzed remembered him of the days of his glorious reign. And his meat was as bitter herbs in his mouth, his wine as vinegar. And he cried out:

"For naught did these fellows cast me off. Did I not rule wisely and judge justly? Were not the hearts of the people knitted to mine?"

And in truth, some did lament with him, crying:

"Was ever a king so fair? Did we not sit at meat at his table and eat our fill? Who is a dancer such as he? Who singeth as sweetly?"

And many mighty men did cleave unto Jayzed. Chief among them were Asea the Magushalite and Kar El, a mighty warrior who  slew thousands in battle and spared not even his own kin. Great women, too, did minister unto Jayzed: Princess Lianda, cunning in all manner of healing herbs and salves and  Lady Endazed of the Zolites.

Now the River Ankol divided the land. On the western side dwelt the Ankolites and on the eastern side dwelt the Retites who loved Jayzed as their own son or brother.  And there were mighty men, too, who stood in the gates and by the pillars of the court of Cyrus. There was Gewad the Mantashite, Fixus the Jester and men and women of renown.

At that time, the Ankolite rulers brought charges against Jayzed. And they brought him in chains to prison. But the Retites were inflamed and they sacked the great city of Durb-An, bringing it to naught. And the Ankolites rent their clothes and some of the Ankolite officers hid them for fear. 

Then the governor of the prison, a man of great kindness, was moved with compassion for Jayzed.

"This man is stricken in years",  he said. "And he ails. I shall release him into the bosom of his family."

Then Jayzed's daughter, Dodia, prepared a great feast. And in the house was the noise of harps, timbrels and flutes. And Jayzed danced until the spirit of illness departed from him.

Then, at the time of harvest, spies came unto Jayzed and said:

"Oh, great King and mighty Dancer, knowest thou not that Cyrus hath hidden much treasure in his rooms? And he hath done so in secret, out of sight of the people and the nobles of the land."

And the Retites burned with anger. Moreover, there was no harvest in their lands, for the fields had been burned in the great uprising.

And the Retites arrayed them on the bank of the River Ankol. And they hurled stones, threats and curses at Cyrus the Cautious and his mighty men.

But Cyrus answered them not a word. He turned him and journeyed to many lands. And Charlash, king of the Anglites, Lord Machon of the Frankites, Lord Joash, son of Bidon, the Amerikite, all received him. And they showed him the treasures of their storehouse, for Cyrus did entreat them for the burden upon the land. And the darkness thereof.

But the Retites ceased not from howling with indignation. And the enmity between the Ankolites and Retites does rent in twain the Southern lands to this very day.

And the people of the land, sitting in darkness and in want, faint with weariness for the curses and the quarreling of the Retites and the Ankolites. 

And they pray for a champion, as of days of old, to quit them of the curse. But, alas, there is none.

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The Fearsome Red Pig Attack Helicopter

Dear  Fellow South Africans

I was delighted to learn that South Africa  has been quietly building a new attack helicopter, the Rooivark (Red Pig).   

A tweet announced the joyous news:           

"PC on Defence and Military Veterans touring the locally produced Rooivark attack helicopter as part of their oversight visit to the South African Air Force base in Bloemspruit"

Clearly, between tenders for smart toilets and half-stadiums, there has been some great work. Based, I imagine, on the technology of the Rooivalk (Red Falcon) but vastly superior.

Of course right wingers, fascists, racists and stratcom agents had to spoil the moment. They tweeted huffily  that this was a shocking typing error. They then lambasted all, including a gentleman who wore a red suit, surely in salute to the pig / bird.

I had already imagined a dramatic battle scenario:

"There we were, pinned down in the swamp, surrounded by the enemy. We were ready to sell our lives dearly. Then, above the noise of battle, came the distinctive 'whump, whump, grunt, grunt' of stubby rotors. Over the tree canopy, a beautiful sight: the fearsome, rotund shapes of a squadron of 'pigs'. They were coming to save our bacon. The crackling of the radio: 'Pork One to squad leader....' I saw the fear on the faces of the enemy troops as they strained skyward. Heard the frantic yells: 'It's the red pigs. Save yourselves!'"

There was no need to be so scathing. The parliamentarians are not defence experts or career military people. It is unfair to expect them to spot fine technical issues  such as the difference between falcons and pigs. After all most civilians wouldn't be able to tell whether they had leg of falcon or leg of pork on their plates.These things are for veterans.

At least they got the 'red' part right. Not a total disaster. How mortifying if it had been typed as 'Groenvalk' (Green Falcon). We could never have lived that down. Give that typist a promotion.

Of course, it's easy to see how one might confuse falcons with pigs. Okay, one is slightly bigger, a tad slower and doesn't fly so well. Still, in a darkened room, they are virtually indistinguishable one from the other.

It may not be a bad idea to adopt the red porker as symbol / mascot for the modern SANDF. Anyone can have tigers, eagles, leopards but the fearsome, fighting pig: now there's something to strike fear into enemy hearts. It also gives new meaning to the term 'grunts'.

Yours in the struggle for a modern, mighty military.

Richard

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Offal and Ankole: A Christmas Menu

 The festive season beckons. I once more sought out some expert advice on a jolly South African Christmas menu. 

"What is on the menus of our revered politicians?" I asked several famous chefs. "They of the discerning palates and gently rounded midsections."

"You must try our richly flavoured offal broth", said a KZN chef.  

Seeing my doubtful expression,  he explained enthusiastically.

 "Offal is hugely underrated and unjustly despised. Yet everywhere you go in KZN, offal is on the menu. Politicians and voters alike love it and gobble it up at every opportunity. You could say that KZN is full of offal."  

"Our broth",  chimed in his partner. "Is a hearty, slightly fiery marriage of finely chopped offal, shallots and KZN's finest chillies. Fire in your belly", he smiled.  "And a riot of flavours in your mouth."

 "I see you",  I replied.

 "Our fish",  said the Western Cape chef. "Is the champion. Some politicians favour the more delicate flaky flesh. Personally I find it just a little bland and uninspiring."

He paused and stabbed at a flopping fish with a stubby finger for emphasis.

"I prefer the firmer flesh that can be eaten off an intact backbone",.

 he said. 

"More flavour, more character."

"Some people",  his colleague said. "Would like us to use less white wine in the preparation." He shrugged. "It's the flavour of the Cape."

On the subject of white wine, some of the witty set have taken to calling it Cape Whine and make silly jokes about Western Cape politicians whining and dining.

 "Fillet of Ankole",  said the next chef I spoke to,  nodding emphatically. 

"Similar texture to buffalo, but infinitely richer in flavour. It's almost as expensive as Kobe beef and needs to be savoured slowly,  very slowly. 

"A sort of dining long game", I said.

He nodded. 

He steadfastly refused to disclose the ingredients that are used in the mystery marinade. "Some things should remain secret",  he said with an enigmatic smile. "Ideally,  he added.  "One should enjoy this dish with eyes closed, so as not to be distracted from the many subtle flavours. Eskom load-shedding provides the perfect ambience."

Chefs from the smaller and newer parties had great difficulty explaining cooking methods and ingredients. They seemed to to be experimenting with a South African variation on gumbo. I tried a few spoonfuls. For my taste, a very awkward, sometimes unhappy courtship   of flavours. One hopes that they hit on the right formula in time for Christmas. 

Mzanzi mess a variation on Eton mess (Limpopo bananas substituted for strawberries) is a popular dessert with some populist politicians. They will often invite friends from across the border to enjoy the mess with them. Diners have been known to break into spontaneous dancing and singing after a mouthful of mess.

As as for drinks, bloody Marys for some of our energetic populists, Russian Bear for other comrades. The DA people will probably stick with the Cape whine.

 Lass es schmecken!

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Ansie's Report Card

Final Examination 2022

Subject          Score

 

Dance                       A+

Drama                      A+

Vision                       F-

Planning                  F-

Nation Building     F-

Communication     F-

Projects                   Scores below F- not 

                                   recorded

General Remarks

Ansie is a skilled dancer and has a natural gift for drama. His performance in the remaining subjects is deeply disappointing for one who showed promise at the outset.

The reasons will become clear in the next sections of this final report.

Effort and Application 

Ansie has major problems with concentration and cannot seem to follow things through to conclusion. Much of his time is spent quarreling with classmates and arguing at length with teachers. He was referred for counselling but walked out after calling the counsellor a right wing, racist, colonial clerk.

Initiative and Project Work 

Ansie has some grandiose ideas but seldom completes projects to plan. He once wasted an entire consignment of balsa wood, supposedly building a model smart city. By the time the wood ran out, he had done one shabby model toilet. He seemed absurdly pleased with his creation. I am concerned about his grasp of standards and reality. 

Innovation and Creativity 

Ansie's sole contribution was a proposal that the school build a gigantic monument to the class of 2022. On hearing that such an extravagance was beyond the school's meagre budget, he wept bitterly for an hour.

Social Skills

Ansie loves the company of bigger, older boys. He also loves to eat from their lunchboxes, yet often speaks scathingly of them. Peculiar behaviour. Some students have nicknamed him 'scafthini' - whatever that may mean.

A matter of grave concern is Ansie's attachment to (almost adoration of) a local youth called Rassie. Not a student of the school, he has assaulted several students on school premises. He is reputed to be a gang leader and one fears for Ansie's safety.

Integrity 

For a boy from a family of struggle (his own words), Ansie does flaunt some expensive jewellery and electronic gadgets. He is also fond of the most expensive chocolates on offer at the tuckshop. The counsellor suspects that he may be redeploying family funds but there is no proof. I asked the counsellor to step aside for now.

He made an impressive speech about integrity, humility and service when he campaigned for election as class president. One hopes to actually see these modelled some day.

Sport

Ansie's performance in sport is a bright spot in this report. His baseball coach describes him as 'a wizard at stealing bases'. I am unfamiliar with baseball terms but know that this is a good thing. In view of his poor academic performance, one hopes that the 'stealing' skills will stand him in good stead.

Conclusion 

Clearly, a lack of maturity for one his age severely hampers Ansie's progress. Even the acquisition of basic skills has been retarded. Much remedial work lies ahead. If we can get Ansie to stop calling the counsellor a coconut and house negro, there may be hope.

Ms Sata Frican

Class Teacher

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Phala Phala Toe

 Dear Mr President

The Phala Phala saga keeps raising its long-horned head.

I am sure that you are familiar with the line of a well-known song: 'skop hom na die pale toe' (kick him / it to the posts).

Sir it is time that we skop this Phala Phala matter to the posts. Amid all the accusations flying like distressed hadedas, what is needed is a clear-headed, dispassionate, objective, unbiased, impartial approach. 

I wish to assist and support you as I have done (unasked) for Mr Zuma, Doctor Ace, Mr Malema and many of our other heroes. Far be  it from me to play  the hard-done-by  martyr,   but  I must comment  that nary a word of thanks  have I received. Even KFC, wretched ingrates, have failed to supply the meanest of shrivelled drumsticks in gratitude for the many mentions. I trust that things will be different  with you. 

I want to couch this respectfully. If you did indeed store dollars in the recesses of a La-Z-Boy recliner, that was a serious error of judgement. At boarding school we would place our long pants under the mattress for a good, if unconventional, ironing. Everyone knows that mattresses are far better suited to this sort of thing. Those benjamins would have emerged crisp and neatly ironed. No one could then accuse you of being involved in funny money business. And while this is money ironing it is certainly not money laundering. 

I  believe that the lack of clarity around this business is fuelling the rumour-mongering, speculation and flinging about of conspiracy theories. Let us take an example from the former national police commissioner who laid out this beautifully succinct explanation for his alleged unavailability during the July unrest:

"It may not be wrong, but it is not true."

He went on to explain that people may have been looking him in places where he was not. Had they looked for him in places where he was, they would have found him.

Wonderfully clear and simple, yet with a zen-like, mystical layer of hidden meaning.

Sir, I suggest that we issue a similarly clear, crisp message in order to put a stop to the confusion. My first draft:

1 My people sold some Ankole cattle, which, as you know, are sought-after worldwide for their superior milk,  meat and hides. 

2. They were en route to the banking halls, (the people, not the cattle), to deposit the money,  when the VBS catastrophe came to mind. (Some members of the EFF may be happy to expand further on that unhappy episode). 

3. My people wisely turned back and used the alternative, tried and trusted sofa banking approach.

4. I admit  that it was a lapse of judgement to have used a sofa instead of a mattress. For that I apologize to the nation as well as to illegal immigrants.

There you are sir. Clear logical, chronological. Many of our heroes of the revolution and the liberation struggle are champing at the bit as they wait for their own interesting adventures and ventures to be investigated or analysed or tried in a court of law. (Please note, not 'chomping', as is often said, though some may well be chomping at other stuff with gusto). Those waiting may include Mr Zuma,  Doctor Ace, Ms Sisulu and many others who fought valiantly for justice, equity and truth. 

Sir you have been holding up the queue. However, now that we have set out the sequence of events in transparent, 

logical order, we can move on. Would it be Mr Zuma's turn next, perhaps?

Yours in the struggle for clarity, transparency and a nice, medium-rare Ankole fillet.

Richard  

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