Dear Fellow South Africans
I was in torment. The ringing of my cellphone set off spasms in my belly. The ringing of my doorbell was even more ominously chilling, as I don't have a doorbell.
The reason: the dread of a summons to a session at the Madlanga Commission, a name that calls forth sounds of handcuffs jangling, cell doors slamming.
There is no charge for using my formula, but donations will not be unwelcome. No amount too large.
Commissioner: Please confirm your name for the record.
Me: Please repeat the question.
Commissioner: When and how did you first meet Cat Matlala?
Me: Cat who?
Commissioner: You spent two nights in his house.
Me: Oh, that Cat Matlala. I thought you meant the other....I only have a nodding acquaintance with him, Commissioner.
Commissioner: But you slept in his house.
Me: Yes, Commissioner. I like freebies. But we didn't talk much. Mainly nodded.
Commissioner: You also attended several braais at his place.
Me: Well Commissioner, in my culture it is rude to turn down an invitation to a braai. Besides I like boerwors almost as much as freebies.
Commissioner: Are you telling this commission that nodding acquaintances braai together regularly?
Me: We do have a shared interest in bird watching, economic history and quantum physics. Perhaps that is why Mr Matlala invited me regularly.
Commissioner: Your WhatsApp texts are all about procurement and tenders. None of those shared interests that you mentioned.
Me: That's the economic history part, Commissioner.
Commissioner: You have a cousin in the SAPS procurement department, not so?
Me: A cousin? No sir, not that I am aware of.
Commissioner: He addresses you as cousin in several texts.
Me: Oh, that one. He is on my mother's side and we have very little contact with family on that side. That's why I forgot him momentarily. I also suffer occasionally from Atypical Transient Global Amnesia. Here is my doctor's note, sir. Pardon the gravy stains.
Commissioner: Why did he send you advance details of tenders to be called for?
Me: I don't know, sir. Perhaps he is also interested in economic history.
Commissioner: Why, then is your response: "I'll get the paperwork to you tonight at home"?
Me: Please repeat the question.
Commissioner repeats.
Me, clutching my chest: Aaargh!
Commissioner: What is it, Mr Mann?
Me, breathless: Terrible chest pains.
Paramedics rush in as per arrangement and begin administraring CPR.
Me, weakly, as I am carried out on a stretcher.
So sorry, Commissioner. I shall return, if the Good Lord, in his mercy, spares me.
I trust that you will find this structured approach useful, fellow vill.., pardon, fellow South Africans. Contact me for finer details.
Yours in the struggle to stay free.
Richard
