Ten Uses For A Dead Book

 

In honour of a truly cheap publishing house  - from 2018.

Dear Publisher 

It would be most unkind, unjust and unfair of me to say that you messed up my book. Oh no, you went far above and beyond the call of duty. You stuffed it up royally and imperially.

 How cleverly creative of you to rename the boringly titled Germiston to Germeston and Germanton. So much more exciting and exotic. Like a citadel from Lord of the Rings. I can picture a troop of gallant horsemen pulling up their sweating mounts on a green hilltop,  surveying the breathtaking scene below and exclaiming in awed whispers:

"Germanton,  ancient city of kings".

I am sure that the good burghers of Germiston will be delighted at the renaming. You did get approval from the city fathers,  didn't you?

Although the term 'boy band' is commonly used,  your substituted 'male band' certainly sounds more... male.

 When I approved layout, I foolishly assumed that you would be using my manuscript; perhaps just a copy and paste job. Silly of me. That's like asking Einstein to stick to the textbooks. I unearthed over 30 of your interesting improvements to my manuscript. I then decided to take it more slowly so as to savour more fully the many subtle and complex flavours of the smorgasbord that you've so painstakingly prepared. 

I trust that you will reward your proofreaders and editors in Eskom fashion for their herculean efforts. To achieve over 30 improvements in an 82-page book is no mean feat. I have yet to study more fully the delightfully unorthodox approaches to paragraphing, font and layout of various sentences. 

Of course 'the stuff of legends'sounds more 21st century than the archaic 'stuff of legend'. 'A very witching time of night' rings truer than 'the very witching time of night'. Why didn't I think of describing the taxi drivers as gruff and cold instead of gruff and surly? What do writers know anyway? Thank goodness for your eagle eyes and ready typing fingers.

 Your suggestion that I sell the hundred copies cluttering up my bedroom at half-price is nothing short of brilliant. This is the kind of creativity that could have saved Rome or shortened the two world wars. Garbage is still garbage even at half price. I have a teeny bit of trouble deciding which readers to insult with a half - price, half - cooked concoction. Perhaps the good burghers of Germanton. Or should we try PriMr.ose instead? Talking of Rome, a good old-fashioned Roman vomitorium would have come in handy for me by about page four.

 I wish you a brilliant 2018. May you scale new heights in the cutting-edge business of creative publishing for laughs. You certainly left your mark on my book  - a massive beetroot -like stain. 

To readers: I have come up with only two uses for a dead book so far. It does make a nice place mat for coffee mugs. Any suggestions that you have will be gratefully accepted. Oh, the second use. Anyone in need of large amounts of cat litter is welcome to contact me. 

Yours in the quest for new innovative approaches to publishing.

 Richard

ANC Cinema Of The Grotesque

 Dear ANC (Whoever You May Be)

At a local bughouse, I saw, many years ago, an Italian karate comedy. I never thought those three words could find a place in one sentence. I never thought a movie that bad could ever be made, let alone shown. Lest you think I exaggerate: one of the highlights of the movie was a scene in which the hero soils himself while trying to lift an anvil with his 'invincible hand'. 

It was that bad. Yours is worse. Yours is something the Coen brothers might have heaved up after a night of revelry on dubious pineapple home-brew and expired Joburg street chicken. A grotesque, surreal blend of horror, comedy, crime fiction and the richest, ripest horse manure ever to carpet God's green earth. The brothers could never have deamed up the hosing of people queuing for disability grants. They would have rejected as too far-fetched the pit latrine corruption stories. Actually, the Italian karate comedy grows in stature as one delves into the mass grave of disasters left on your watch.

This is the sort of concoction that would have audiences on their feet - heading for the exits. We have no choice but to watch the whole movie. We paid a high price for tickets. The theatre is pitch dark. Hard to tell where the exits are. 

Even when we close our eyes, we cannot escape the nonsensical soundtrack. It grinds and screeches on like something from Orwell's 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' telescreens.

Who can forget or erase lines like (apologies for some repetition from previous post):

"And I argued one time with somebody who said that the country comes first, and I said as much as I understand that, I think my organisation, the ANC, comes first.”

 (On SA having the fifth highest murder rate in the world):"I am wondering who said that?"

“We’ve been standing here for 26 seconds and nobody has been raped.” 

And this was not necessarily the worst of the drivel that passed for dialogue.

Here's another quote; Amery, quoting Cromwell to Chamberlain:

''You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. In the name of God, go!'' 

Sums it up.

Richard 

Integrity

 Dear Mr Cele

Sipping on a Castle I found lying around from 2019, I thought I'd try to brighten your day. This is a tale of the sort of law-abiding South African so hard to find nowadays.

If you have medals available, you might want to award him one - perhaps a ceremony on the beach or at a significant  roadlock.

My neighbour,  Honest Frank, a businessman, fell into the local river, while crossing a bridge on the way to an important meeting. He was swept out to sea. Hold on to your fedora, sir. This is where the heroism comes in. What would your average South African have done? Paddled madly for the shore, of course. Not my gallant neighbour. A vision of your stern, guardian-of-the-law visage flashed into his mind, at the same time as a gallon of seawater flushed through his system. Like a trumpet call, he heard your admonishments about illegal swimming. Nary a dog paddle did he attempt.  Bravely humming snatches from the national anthem and the folk song about military hardware, he allowed the current to carry him. 

Fortunately, he was deposited close to the meeting rendezvous. Slightly damp, but warmed by the glow of having done the right thing, he was able to conclude an important business deal. Something about alternative pharmaceuticals, he said.

Be of good cheer, sir. There are still law-abiding citizens around.

Yours in the against-the-current struggle to abide by the law.

Richard 

Out Of South Africa

 Dear American, European, Asian And Other Tourists

We, in South Africa, will soon be producing Covid vaccines like Henry Ford on steroids. One of our erudite politicians had an Edison moment. Now all we need to do is purchase or steal one vaccine, reverse engineer it,  and, presto, we'll be rolling the suckers off the line as deftly as skilled Durbanites roll a special brand of local tobacco.

When that happens, you will surely want to visit our beautiful country. We have just celebrated a huge anniversary of the liberation movement that reinvented itself as Comedy Central and is home to many brilliant alternative business pioneers. A good time to visit.

This is a lightning guide to some South African cities worth the visit.

 'Durban', translates from the local language as Place Of Great Burning. So named for the weather and the wonderful array of spicy dishes on offer. Until you have sweated your way through a delicious Durban 'bunny chow' you haven't lived. See Naples

 and die. Eat bunnies and have a similar experience. Tropical fruits are in abundance and many have made their way into local government.

It is a myth that savage beasts roam the streets of South African cities. Except in Johannesburg. The dangers have been grossly exaggerated though. Take normal precautions. Stay in your room all day. And night. Johannesburg has a fascinating history. Towering old mine dumps bear silent testimony to the gruelling work done by miners. Towering old rubbish dumps bear silent testimony to the gruelling work done by striking garbage removal workers.

Cape Town is a city of breathtaking sea and mountain views. The eccentric citizens hold quaint and charming, if outdated views on preserving natural and architectural treasures. Also on making the city people-friendly. This is in complete contrast to our other world class African cities. A growing movement of wild-eyed, mildly dangerous secessionists gives the city an exciting, edgy flavour.

Johannesburg is the city that never sleeps, Bloemfontein the city that never wakes. Known as the City Of Roses, because, like their rugby team, that was the best they could do. 

Of Port Elizabeth, little is known, even by South Africans. Some maintain that it is a mythical city, shrouded in mists and lashed by wind and rain. As the inhabitants never travel to other cities, it remains a delicious mystery to explore on your visit.

More to follow. 

Yours in the struggle to unveil the mysteries of the intermittently dark continent.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Dear Aunt Sally - Anniversary Anxieties

 Dear Aunt Sally

I know that you usually give advice on matters of the heart. My problem is also in the nature of a romance gone horribly wrong. 

It does involve very large numbers of people (nothing to do with swingers or orgies) but I'm sure it's not that different from the relationship problems that land on your desk. 

You see, I inherited a large organization that was once the people's sweetheart. I fear that I have grasped the deadliest of poisoned chalices. It was all sweetness and light at the outset. Wine, roses and sunshine. We made the vows that lovers make under a smiling sun. But infidelity has long been the curse of our institution. Many of our people have turned from tenderness to tenders. The affairs have ranged from gross to abominable. There is not a vow left unbroken. Worse still, they are, as the poet put it:

..not expecting pardon, 

Hardened in heart anew..

I have not slept through the night for weeks. The cruellest irony is that we have a large anniversary celebration coming up. I have been unable to get beyond the first line of the speech I'm expected to give.

Dear Aunt Sally, what, oh what, do I say after 'Dear Fellow South Africans'?

Yours in the mother of struggles.

Anonymous

 

The Capitol

 Dear American People 

You've been slow in catching up to the rest of us sh..hole countries.

There were cries of 'scandalous attack on democracy' from various people highly skilled at stating the obvious (key skill in a politician's CV). Democracy has been thoroughly moered, (as the Daily Sun would probably put it), on our continent for as long as I can remember. 

Of course, the minute you guys started  emulating us, the rest was inevitable. You dispensed with irritating logic and commonsense, just as we did. Then you elected a stand-up comedian, just as we did. We know about your proud boast that any American child can become president. Did you really have to go all out to prove it? The guy was barely out of short pants intellectually. We can make the same boast but singing and dancing are essential prerequisite skills. That, and a total absence of what we used to term 'skaam cells' back in Wentworth.

Talking of singing and dancing, we've learned that protest, whether violent or non-violent is best accompanied by a couple of rousing choruses and some nifty stepping. I am willing to come over as a visiting professor to discourse on these nuggets of South African wisdom. 

We also have touchingly loyal, but highly sensitive, ground forces who will support disgraced / inept / corrupt politicians to the very end. As someone said, in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar (slightly retouched): 'even if he had disembowelled their mothers, they would still have run after him'.

Of course, we have an advantage. Chris Barnard performed the first human heart transplant operation. Our government has mastered non-invasive brain transplant surgery. And we don't even need donors. A food parcel here, a braai there, a bit of pungent horse manure, and voila...

Just one question: did your president also tweet, as did one of our wise, revered politicians: 'Ground forces: Attack'. That would have made a ringing final soundbite.

Welcome to sh..hole territory.

Richard 

Crowdfunding Appeal

 If you enjoy my blog, a donation of one rand / dollar / pound etc would be most welcome. 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

This would go towards:

Publishing a trio of books

Legal fees (defence against lawsuits)

A regular supply of nutritious magwinyas (South Africa's answer to the bagel)

If you don't enjoy the blog or are offended, a donation of 50c would be poetic revenge.

Zim dollars, kwacha and cowrie shells accepted. 

No amount is too large.

Gratefully yours in the struggle to stay afloat.

Richard 

Taking The Bull

 Dear Ms Duarte 

There is no polite way to say this. It needs saying for our sanity.

I thought I might be going too far and too hard when I wrote this:

"If George Orwell had written 2020 in South Africa:

The party's ever-present slogans fluttered proudly from deserted dairy farms, vandalized railway stations and scorched public buildings:

INCOMPETENCE IS HEROISM

DECAY IS PROGRESS

BULLSHIT IS TRUTH"

Clearly not. Yours must be the Ministry Of Truth, then. Atop the steaming pile that has issued from various Party quarters, proudly perches your contribution. South Africa without the ANC could result in civil war. Comrade Tony did nothing wrong.

Madam, any discussion of these offerings would be as futile as analyzing the utterances of Chicken Little. As foolish as taking the temperature of a freshly deposited pile of droppings  by plunging one's hands into it. Why you persist, nay, accelerate in this headlong plunge into other-worldly logic is a far more interesting avenue to explore.

I don't think you are on bad crack or Durban's best (seeds not removed). Tempting as that assumption may be.

Could you be topping the office pool on who can make the most ludicrous utterances? Without being committed. That's understandable, then.

Is it the Zuma anointing? 

Is it a Macbeth situation: i am in bullshit stepped in so far,  that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o'er?

I do understand that it could just be that there's no logical or sane argument on this planet anymore for voting for the Party.

Have I hit the mark? Am I at least as warm as one of those piles?

Yours in the struggle to survive the avalanche of animal waste.

Richard