Ten Uses For A Dead Book

 

In honour of a truly cheap publishing house  - from 2018.

Dear Publisher 

It would be most unkind, unjust and unfair of me to say that you messed up my book. Oh no, you went far above and beyond the call of duty. You stuffed it up royally and imperially.

 How cleverly creative of you to rename the boringly titled Germiston to Germeston and Germanton. So much more exciting and exotic. Like a citadel from Lord of the Rings. I can picture a troop of gallant horsemen pulling up their sweating mounts on a green hilltop,  surveying the breathtaking scene below and exclaiming in awed whispers:

"Germanton,  ancient city of kings".

I am sure that the good burghers of Germiston will be delighted at the renaming. You did get approval from the city fathers,  didn't you?

Although the term 'boy band' is commonly used,  your substituted 'male band' certainly sounds more... male.

 When I approved layout, I foolishly assumed that you would be using my manuscript; perhaps just a copy and paste job. Silly of me. That's like asking Einstein to stick to the textbooks. I unearthed over 30 of your interesting improvements to my manuscript. I then decided to take it more slowly so as to savour more fully the many subtle and complex flavours of the smorgasbord that you've so painstakingly prepared. 

I trust that you will reward your proofreaders and editors in Eskom fashion for their herculean efforts. To achieve over 30 improvements in an 82-page book is no mean feat. I have yet to study more fully the delightfully unorthodox approaches to paragraphing, font and layout of various sentences. 

Of course 'the stuff of legends'sounds more 21st century than the archaic 'stuff of legend'. 'A very witching time of night' rings truer than 'the very witching time of night'. Why didn't I think of describing the taxi drivers as gruff and cold instead of gruff and surly? What do writers know anyway? Thank goodness for your eagle eyes and ready typing fingers.

 Your suggestion that I sell the hundred copies cluttering up my bedroom at half-price is nothing short of brilliant. This is the kind of creativity that could have saved Rome or shortened the two world wars. Garbage is still garbage even at half price. I have a teeny bit of trouble deciding which readers to insult with a half - price, half - cooked concoction. Perhaps the good burghers of Germanton. Or should we try PriMr.ose instead? Talking of Rome, a good old-fashioned Roman vomitorium would have come in handy for me by about page four.

 I wish you a brilliant 2018. May you scale new heights in the cutting-edge business of creative publishing for laughs. You certainly left your mark on my book  - a massive beetroot -like stain. 

To readers: I have come up with only two uses for a dead book so far. It does make a nice place mat for coffee mugs. Any suggestions that you have will be gratefully accepted. Oh, the second use. Anyone in need of large amounts of cat litter is welcome to contact me. 

Yours in the quest for new innovative approaches to publishing.

 Richard