Chandon se Moer

Dear Patriotic Alliance People 

Good to see another party drinking champagne with our lips (as the ANC once did). This at a recent Johannesburg Roads Agency shindig. (They still have them - roads?).

The Moèt and Chandon flowed like the Tugela on its way to the ocean. There was a garbled speech about the pronunciation of Moèt. It would have been enough to say: "As ons moet drink, dan drink ons Moèt." It was the kind of mindless drivel that draws rapturous applause from those who are on a mystical plane - somewhere below see level.  A subterranean stage of mindlessness, similar to the raptures experienced  by those who yelled "hoor  hoor" to Nationalist Party gibberish. And to think that people spend years in remote caves trying to attain that state. Of course, many of our politicians might as well have been living in caves, remote from the realities of a country crumbling into compost.

Please remind us whether you were celebrating sewage in the streets, sewage that passes for service or the sewage that issues forth from various party mouths. I am not referring to the gentleman who answered a relevant question with "You stupid, racist white man." With a mouth like that, seemingly unhampered by moving parts in the brain, the stupidity of other people would be the least of my  concerns.

I like you politicians' single-mindedness . It's a wonderful "carry on regardless" approach to decay, disaster and doom. Reminds one of the old: 'come snow, come hail, nothing can stop the US mail' Yours is more like "come mud, come rain, we are always up for more champagne." Or, expressed a little more earthily in parts of the mining industry: "kyk noord en v..k voort."  And you surely know how to celebrate. Even when, or perhaps especially when, there is, in the winsome words of a minister, fokol to celebrate. With an attitude like that, you can't lose. Even if you do, you won't notice. What with your 'altitude', way up there beyond the slaughter and the sewage, 'determining your attitude'. 

At moments like these, one feels like bursting into song. Remember 'Chanson d'Amour'? Well, 'Chandon se Moer' would be quite appropriate.

Yours in the struggle to glug it down before the party ends. And end it will.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Law and Order I

Dear Mister Cele 

You fascinate me. 

It's the kind of fascination one has for a particularly dark, Monty Python-esque, horror comedy. 

During the recent taxi violence  you told the Cape Town City government in typically restrained, respectful and diplomatic fashion to get off their high horses and negotiate with Santaco. Perhaps they did not heed your advice because they have passed beyond the horse and horse manure era.

On the subject of equines, is it not time that you got off your high ass and did some real work that your portfolio requires? Interesting that, in the first instance, you did not address the ones doing the burning,  barricading, bullying and other barbaric stuff that we have, sadly, become quite accustomed to. But of course they have the democratic right to take a dump on the rights of others. Just thought that, as a staunch defender of the rule of law, that might have been uppermost in your mind.

Perhaps you did mention that  in your thought-provoking speech. I did not read much further. How do I put this delicately? Your speeches are generally not the stuff of inspiration and edification. I stopped there, so as not to take the edge and the piquant flavour off those first portentous lines.  If you did address the issue, please ignore relevant portions of this respectful letter.

Sir, I hope you do not interpret this as a 'talk down to the gardener' approach. As you did with Mr Ian Cameron. Even if I had a gardener (with necessary garden), we would not have this conversation. His responsibility would stop at maintenance of law and order in a small garden. Yours, I think, is law and order in a large, modern country.  Both  of which,(law and order), you might have noticed are in desperately short supply in South Africa. But then again perhaps you have been too busy jumping into various important lecturing and pontificating opportunities.

In recent news is the kafkaesque story of the whistleblower brought to court in  leg irons. Truly we have become a land of bewildering, surreal contrasts and contradictions. Whistleblowers in leg irons, whistleblowers assassinated, a murderer and rapist swanning around Sandton City, at liberty and at ease. But I suppose, sir, that you have far more important things under your hat. Let the reader speculate as to what those critically important things may be. They certainly far override such considerations as the safety of South Africans, some semblance of Law and Order and even a modicum of sanity.

Perhaps one might humbly ask, without resorting to gardener type patronizing, a few questions. 

It would be mildly interesting to know the substance  of your meeting with Santaco,  before the madness.... pardon, I meant to say, the exercise of democratic rights. 

What are your views on the Whistleblower Saga which reflects a little less than brightly on your professional police force? Perhaps such matters are not for the peasants. 

Has there been any movement on the Police Intelligence quotient thermometer since the infamous kzn riots?

What is being done about the frequent reports of corruption and criminality in the ranks of the country's finest? 

To say nothing  of the avalanche of reports  of corruption and criminality  in the ranks  of the country's  politicians and officials .

Has there been any progress in addressing the dreadful malady sweeping through your forces - the sleeping-on-the-job sickness?

When do you plan on gathering the generals,  colonels,  lieutenants, captains and other grandly titled officers? I should think that you would want them to get off their high horses with some alacrity and do something about the shambles that is policing in this country. 

It does seem that your injunction to your forces that criminals should 'see you, feel, smell and taste you' has not been  obeyed. Certainly we, the citizens, can smell something. It's not good,  sir. 

To cannibalize Omar khayyàm. 

'The moving finger points and having pointed,  turns back. '

Well sir,  I am sure that you have many important lectures to give, witticisms to scatter abroad and fine philosophical gems to impart. Please do not let me interrupt your critical business,  whatever that may be. I am sure that it is no business of the ordinary non-honourable citizen in a democracy.

You still have a full year of critical ministerial work to do before you are removed.  May you then ride off into your sunset of choice on a high horse. 

Yours in the struggle to understand what the hell your performance targets and indicators  actually are (what with your not being a gardener, but THE cat in the hat).

Richard

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Guide to Negotiating With Thugs

Bheki Cele tells officials to ‘get off their high horses’ and negotiate with Santaco over taxi strike that turned violent

From a news report 

Dear Mister Cele. 

Your weird...., pardon, wisdom, never ceases to amaze me.  I am surprised that you have not been offered the chair of philosophy or criminology at some eminent university. 

The negotiation idea is brilliant.  I know from experience that it works extremely well.  I was hijacked once.  I did not have a high horse to get off,  but I got off my HiAce.  Using techniques learnt from the book 'Getting to Yes', as well as various negotiating skills training courses,  I was able to pursuade the AK-47 bearing gentlemen to shoot me once only, instead of four times.  A genuine win-win situation,  wouldn't you say? 

I see this approach working in any situation where one is faced by violent thugs or mindless lunatics.  I am sure that negotiating with a suicide bomber, for example,  would at least gain one sufficient time to say a heartfelt prayer, before departing precipitately for the 'bourn from whence no traveller returns'. 

I  trust that this is working well for you in the grim struggle against crime and violence in our land.  I should think that despite the challenges of population growth,  (which you alluded to earlier), expert negotiation is having a significant impact on the numbers of murders, rapes,  hijackings, armed robberies, daylight robberies by politicians and friends, and all the other things that make South Africa special. The thing is that many people do not realise that beneath the hard, AK-47 bearing exterior of your average thug is a very reasonable, rational and perhaps even amiable and gentle person. It is to this person that I am sure that your negotiation tactics would appeal.

I am now filled with regret at having  administered a rather vigorous kick to the loins of the last person who tried to mug me.  I so wish that I had negotiated instead.  I see us leaning against opposite, dead, street lamps in that deserted road,  diligently working on our best-case, worst-case,  likely middle- ground and best-alternative-to- negotiated-agreement scenarios.  Who knows but that the process may even have brought us closer together? Perhaps even forged a friendship. Discussing varied approaches to the gentle art of mugging over tea or a glass of red wine? Co-authoring, for posterity, a seminal work entitled 'The Compleat Mugger'? 

Sir, I don't know whether you also wagged a figurative, righteous forefinger at the protesting taxi gentlemen.   I hope that you were careful not to upset them. One knows how sensitive taxi people can be.  

Of course you are familiar with the five key principles in any conflict resolution situation. 

1. Maintain or enhance self-esteem. Example :

"Your AK-47 looks wonderfully well maintained. Good work."

2. Listen and respond with empathy.  

Example:

"Yes, it must be frustrating to be ticketed so many times for reckless driving. Those tickets do take up space in the glove compartment."

3. Asking for help and encouraging involvement.

Example:

"So how do you suggest that we ensure that all these petty, local and national road regulations don't get in the way of your all important business of serving the community and getting filthy rich?"

4. Sharing thoughts, feelings and rationale to build trust. 

Example:

"I'm going to level with you. It leaves us with a bad feeling when you piss on other people's rights and safety.  How does that make you feel?  Fokol?  Okay,  honesty is good. Facts are friendly. Let's work with that."

5. Providing support without removing responsibility to build a sense of ownership. 

Example:

"Okay,  we are happy for you to have the bus lanes and the other special lanes. But we need you to take responsibility for driving safely and within the law in those lanes.  Can we have your word on that?  We trust you to manage that as responsibly and considerately as you've managed everything else."

So there we have it - a progressive, productive, win-win situation.  The thugs win everything.  The city and  the citizens win buggerall.  Classic South African negotiating, problem-solving and conflict handling. That's the kind of thing that's made us an example to the world. We really should write the best-selling successor to 'Getting to Yes' and 'Getting Past No', namely 'Getting to Eish'.

Thought-provoking stuff, Mr Cele, deep as a zama-zama's main shaft.

Yours in the struggle for mature,  responsible,  interest-based negotiating wins. 

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bringing Down Gordhan

To the tune of 'Going Down Jordan'

Apologies to Harry Belafonte 

We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

I was livin' me life as non-partisan 
Let me tell you how I changed to an Effer man
I was livin' me life as non-partisan 
Let me tell you how I changed to an Effer man

One day I was walking down Nasrec street
Poor and hungry, no shoes on me feet
I passed a door and heard "Kill the Boer"
It was the smell of food made me look some more

We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Bringing  down, Gordhan
We are  bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Well, Floyd walked up and he shook my hand
Said "I want you to be an Effer man"
Right away I made a snap decision
Me stomach was a growling for this dispensation  
I started over to get some food
When some Effers approached me in a hyped up mood
They shouted out a song 'bout four, five times
The lyrics was weird but I liked the rhymes

Singing I've got a gun in my hand
I'm going to use it well
Brr, brr, pa. pa, pa, pa
I've got a gun in my hand (Viva!)                                 I'm going to use it well

I was hoarse in me throat and I was feeling cold        But the sight of the food made me take a hold            The brothers started to dance away                              They said, "Sing, believers, dance all day"                          I sang and I danced in a new-found style                          In the meantime me taste buds was running wild            I was about to jump clear out of me seat                  When a man sprang up and said "Before you eat

You got to praise the CIC
You got to praise the CIC
And if you want a piece of heaven in this land
You got to praise the CIC

Praise the CIC
You got to praise the CIC
And if you want a piece of heaven in this land
You got to praise the CIC

Praise the CIC
You got to praise the CIC
And if you want a piece of heaven in this land
You got to praise the CIC

Well, before I joined up I had plenty pain
Now I find myself a bold man again
Well, before I joined up I had plenty pain
Now I find myself a bold man again
Don't talk 'bout the leaders, they treat me good
Plenty good marching and some good food
My brother, it was then that I realized
Every man on earth should be efferized

'Cause happy days are here again
There will be land and jobs again
Oh, let us sing our song of war again

Because we are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
We are bringing down, Gordhan
Let's walk the revolution'ry road

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The CIC Show

 Dear Mr Malema

Thanks for the grub and the entertainment.

I really don't want to sound ungrateful or ungracious but the beef was a little tough. I noticed that that happens when the animal has been stabbed several times by an unskilled person. Do you think......? 

They should have let you have at it, sir. Can't go wrong with a 'walking, killing machine' revolutionary. 

Then there was the music. That old  song about hunting boars has really become quite boring (no pun intended). And those farting sounds that you make during the song they just don't make for good lyrics (Brr, brr, pap, pap...). 

Of course, that elevation trick was quite neat. You reminded me of some little Austrian bloke.  Can't remember the name. Had a similar style of rant...., pardon, oratory to yours. Then he had this trick of jerking his right arm up as if he had Tourette's syndrome. That might be a nice little touch for you too. Just ignore the fact that he might have had white tendencies. Good shtick is good shtick.

Other performers around the world are working on new stuff  - economy, upliftment, peace -  that sort of thing. Maybe it's time to move on from old boar hunting songs. A bit medieval, don't you think?  You don't want to wind up like one of those fallen stars, plucking strings outside the railway station for a few coins in the hat. The world's moved on.

Some people are quite excited that you filled the stadium. When I was a kid, living in a rural community,  a circus  came to the nearest village. You should have seen how packed the place was. People came from miles around, from farms, from villages, from towns. But that was because we didn't know any better. It was a really crappy circus. They conned us, having the same guy performing various acts, disguised each time as someone else. He was supposed to have been from Brazil, Russia, Egypt and other exotic places. We were thoroughly conned until someone dropped a hammer on his toe and he swore in fluent isiZulu. With a local accent as well. There's a teeny similarity  to your own show. From 'kill for Zuma' to 'die for Zuma' then 'kill Zuma' then sip tea with Zuma. Thuli is good, then Thuli is bad. This one is a good guy one day then he's a rotter the next.   So many wardrobe changes, sir.  I hope someone doesn't drop a hammer on your toe one day. The we might then find out who you really are. 

Your chops and changes always remind me of 'four legs good, two legs better' from Animal Farm. I really think you should work on your act. 

Oh, just to finish the circus story: when people realised that they were being conned, the whole show actually perked up. The ringmaster and the multitasking performer were sent off into the night with a few klaps and kicks. The whole big top came down. Quite a satisfying end for us kids at the time. Goes to show, I suppose, that even the naive and the gullible you can con for only so long.

I know that you EFF chaps are tolerant, broadminded and democratic in outlook. You can take a little constructive crit..., I mean, comment (as long it's not from the DA or other 1652 settler types). Apart from those few flies in the otherwise fine ointment, it was a stirring show.

Yours in the scuffle.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723