Kaunda and Klitschko: Fighting Mayors

Dear Mr Kaunda

In South Africa, we often underrate our own officials. To test this, I did a comparison between Vitali Klitschko, mayor of Kyiv (Ukraine) and you, Mr Kaunda,  mayor of our own  Durban.

With war at his front door, Klitschko is not fleeing his city. He is standing. You also stood during our difficult time in July 2021. You stood with Zuma. According to testimony you gave about your fascinating Twitter activity.

Klitschko is a former boxer and clearly still a fighter. You vowed, not so long ago, to fight corruption. I imagine that makes you, too, a fighter of sorts. Though, you are still to land a blow of any significance in your bruising battle.

Incidentally part of your testimony was that police were stretched. I suppose it was stretching it to expect you to do something about it. Hmm, let's see. Ah, maybe call in some help? That's what comrades are for, right? I think there may be some other law and order forces somewhere in the country. You know, like the Yanks call in the national guard? But maybe it's unfair to ask that of you. After all, you were only a mayor with a mayor's responsibilities and powers.

I have an idea that may sound ridiculous at first, but what the heck. Nothing wrong with some creativity. Why not have an exhibition match with Mr Klitschko in the near future. It would be wonderfully symbolic of your looming battle with the Goliath of corruption. I suggest bare knuckles to emphasize the bruising nature of that encounter. What a colourful, inspirational metaphor for the common struggle of mankind for a better, cleaner world. You could teach him something about the fighting spirit of our KZN officials. Should it go the other way, with your getting slightly moered, that's also good. A few bumps and bruises for your city and your province. Its what we've come to expect from our fighting ANC representatives - taking one for the team.Klitschko was nicknamed Dr Ironfist. We could do something colourfully Durban-appropriate for you. Dr Papayafist? Dr Stickyfist (humidity)?

You like, sir?

Yours in the struggle for government that stays and fights for the good folk of KZN.

Richard

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Spasibo, Loyal Comrades

 Dear Comrades in South Africa

Zdravstvuyte. 

In this historic hour, I, Mikhail Donorovsky, send revolutionary greetings.

I know that many of you stand with us and the oppressed peoples of the world. 

You are aware of our   peace mission to Ukraine, with our usual entourage of 190 000 soldiers, some armour and planes for the odd, symbolic fly-past. The purpose was to reassure Russian patriots suffering under the Nazi jackboot of heroin-addicted politicians that we stand with them in their hour of horrific suffering.  Inevitably, Western warmongers and their media running dogs twisted our peace initiative into a gross invasion narrative. We believe that the

crack-smoking, swastika waving criminals shelled their own cities in a typically provocative, defamatory ploy. 

We know that you South African comrades see through such CIA-inspired ruses.

One day soon, God willing, the Soviet giant will rise again from slumber.  Sorry, I forgot momentarily that we don't believe in Comrade God. Comrade Vlad willing. 

On that note, there were some  beastly myths and lies spread abroad by the diseased, decadent western propaganda machinery about the glorious Union. One was that citizens were not allowed to leave. Of course they were. But any citizens desiring to leave the socialist paradise for the brothels and drug dens of the West were clearly not in their right minds. We did what any caring government would do. We sent them into rehabilitation for their own safety. Pravda, in those days, was full of letters of gratitude from rehabilitated citizens.

There was also the lie about the party elite living in luxury while citizens suffered. You know that, like your own party,  we drive (fully armoured) Mercedes Benzes for the people. We drink vodka with their lips. 

There are no depths of decadence, depravity and deceit to which the enemies of the revolution will not stoop. Spasibo for clear-eyed, clear-headed comrades like you.

We are thankful for your unwavering support and loyalty in these difficult times.

Yours in the revolutionary struggle.

Misha

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Bloodymir Putin

 Dear Mr Putin

Inspired by our foreign minister's bold statement about helping ease tensions in Ukraine, I decided to add my two roubles' worth. Before the rouble falls further. 

I notice that the international media make no mention of our sterling efforts. Typical of the EAMC media (European and American Monopoly Controlled). 

A friend calls you Bloodymir Putin. 

So you set in motion an episode of murder and destruction, euphemistically called 'war', 'occupation' etc.  That's  no reason, I told him,  to be rude and insulting. After all, you are a leader on the global stage. One with vision. A sick, warped vision, to be sure. Still a vision.

Some say, Mr Putin, that you were put out by the notion of having NATO playing camping in your backyard. Others aver that your nocturnal emissions are all about resurrecting the glorious Soviet Union. One understands your nostalgia for convivial bread queues, jovial secret police and the comforts of Black Sea dachas for deserving comrades.

You have done what any reasonable megalomaniac would do. Slaughter hundreds or thousands of men, women and children while tearing a sovereign country apart.

Your propaganda needs work. (You should  talk to our guys). 

'Genocide and nazism'? Which only you are privy to? From a president with Jewish roots?And after years of tolerating 'genocide and nazism', I imagine you one day woke to hear a voice say: "Arise Vlad. Kill, destroy." (I know that you Chosen Ones tend to hear voices). You have no intention of occupying or compelling by force, you said. Okay, that clearly explains the some 190 000 troops, armour, explosions and killings. 

You will be pleased to know that you have some diehard supporters in SA, regardless of what you do. Even if you quartered their grandmothers, they would still support you. Who can argue with that Russian charisma, unassailable logic and a history of glorious advances in the spheres of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that what you really need is a good analyst. I recommend Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen. He helped me enormously with Post Traumatic South African Stress Disorder. He can help you with what ails you. Maybe.

Yours in the nostalgia for past glories, blood and fire.

Richard 

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Let Us Ease Your Tensions In Ukraine

Dear Messrs Putin and Zelenskyy

Good news. Our minister of foreign affairs, Ms Naledi Pandor, announced that South Africa is working on easing the tensions between Russia and Ukraine.

Being the global (intergalactic, when we find life further afield) player that we are, I am confident that you feel a draining away of tension at that announcement. Those knots in the shoulders are surely smoothing themselves out.

We are renowned for easing tensions. We like to begin, like charity, at home. You might like to model your conflict resolution on the framework we employed in 2021 to deal with tensions within the governing party. It all culminated in some intense but fruitful exchanges in July. We are now easing tensions within the security cluster, as each component modestly refuses to take credit for fuc..., sorry, defusing the situation.

The framework is slightly scorched. Still useful.

Mr Zelenskyy, I believe that you will identify with and get on very well with our politicians. You were a comedian too. 

Gentlemen, you are surely familiar with the best-selling book on conflict resolution: 'Getting To Yes'. We could write one called 'Getting To Maybe'. Some of our tactics and techniques, revealed for the first time:

1. Ignore it. It will go away or someone else will sort it out. We are applying this to several challenges.

2. Rename it.

3. Reblame it.

4. Bounce it from state of the nation address to state of the nation address.

We have much more in our toolbox. We could discuss over a glass of Stolichnaya once all tensions have been eased. With our willing assistance.

Yours in the struggle for global peace, harmony and other global stuff.

Richard 

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Total Onslaught to Total Collapse

Dear Mr Mbeki 

A few hundred metres underground, a mining supervisor once showed me some dodgy looking supports.

"Aren't you going to replace them?" I asked.

"No", he replied. "They're all we've got. Hard to get replacement timbers. We'll just live with them for another year. Else this roof will collapse."

You can tell, sir, that this is a fictitious bit of nonsense. Much like your comment about South Africa collapsing into chaos without the ANC. Cooked in the same kitchen, so to speak. An equally dangerous fiction to believe.

We understand that it's hard to impossible to find good ANC stories. (The R350 ice cream empire one is dubious at best). It's like looking for something heartwarming in the horror section in a DVD rental store.

The liberation narrative you guys used to dine out on fizzled, when we realized that it was just a plantation name change. Different overseers. No whips. Still the plantation.

Everything that can be broken has been broken. That includes promises, oaths, laws, codes written and unwritten.

Everything that can be looted has been looted. We are left with clichès, songs, slogans and excuses. Bags of wind.  The only mystery that remains is: what will be broken and / or looted next?

That brings us to the oldest trick. Bring out the bogeyman. It used to be swart gevaar and rooi gevaar. From 'total onslaught' then to 'total collapse' now. Shameful.

You are now in the company of intellectual giants such as Jessie Duarte and Jacob Zuma, who also spun that hairy fairytale. We will treat it with the same reverence.

If the ANC can't get off its pendulous butt, let it die with some dignity. Leave off the whimpering and flatulent noises.

Yours in the struggle to wade through manure.

Richard 

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Walking, Killing Machine

Dear Effers

I am concerned for you

If what I've read is not another devilish Stratcom / WMC media invention,  your man sounds like the love child of Idi Amin and that Adolf chap.  When he led you on marches to schools and old age homes, I thought he showed glimmers of being a coming leader. I mean, which other leader has thought of tackling those bastions of counterrevolution beret on. That's courage and innovation right there. 

This stuff about slaughtering people, though. That went out decades ago. Sure, some still try it on, but none of them have lasted. It's disappointingly archaic. I would have thought that by now his fertile, superior logic-filled mind would have conjured up something more appropriate for the challenging times we live in in the beloved country. This is as relevant as a penny-farthing on an airfield runway.

Has he really thought about the practical implications? Garroting is highly labour intensive, as are bludgeoning and the use of machetes. Firearms are costly and require a long period of training. (I have heard that there's the odd clearance sale from various institutions). 

Then there's the challenge of identifying potential massacrees (I know - there needs to be such a word). He would have to compel whites to wear some distinctive insignia. I don't think that's been done before. A battery of tests would have to be designed to confirm whiteness. I don't think anything like that's been done before. 

Then there's the whole issue of mass graves. Guys, are you up to the hard work that entails? I think you begin to see that this genocide business isn't as easy as it's cracked up to be. It's hard enough, even with compliant massacrees.

Here's what had me hanging my head in embarrassment. Did your man really say this?

"I'm not scared of killing. A revolutionary is a walking killing machine."

That comes straight out of one the Vietnam war movies or an American gangster movie. "I'm a stone killer". So much schoolboy testosterone.

Please check if your man is in good heath.

You might also check whether he really meant killing or rather dying. He's confused the two before. Not surprising, what with the spelling and pronunciation being so uncannily similar.

Yours in the struggle for commonsense, sanity and some fertile land.

Richard

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News And Nonsense

 Instead of mocking our TV news channels, I thought I'd try to see things from their viewpoint. 

I imagine that these are some of their guidelines (quite reasonable, don't you think?).

Speaking English correctly is overrated. As is variety in pitch, pace and tone, when reporting. Just get the words in.

There is no need to get all technical and pedantic  in interviews and ask all sort of complicated questions. Keep it simple (and) stupid.

Very little  of interest or significance  happens in the world outside of South Africa. Oh yes, there's the odd looming global conflict and we can give that a few minutes. That Russian business, for example. No point in involving ourselves too deeply. Russia's  quite far away.

On some (or many) issues, it's not really necessary to hear both sides. That audi alteram partem stuff is fine for stuffy courtrooms. For our viewers, it just muddies the waters unnecessarily.

Don't allow reporters to poke their noses too deeply into other people's business. It's not polite. 

The more closely your reporters resemble mannequins with microphones the better.

Viewers are deeply interested in long, lingering items on funerals.

There's a lot of unimportant stuff to avoid boring viewers with: fresh corruption scandals, government bungling, horrific crime, serious and building conflicts, unresolved national issues and scores of unanswered questions. Leave the oh so serious documentries and investigations to the BBC.

Keep it lighthearted (and lightheaded). Think of the wonderful attitude and example of the band on the Titanic.

Viewers love Tik Tok snippets and anything inconsequential, meaningless or mediocre. Don't challenge them or disturb their sweet slumber.

It's unfortunate that we can't get people of the calibre of Jeffrey  Dahmer and Jack The Ripper to give their considered views on integrity, morality and other stuff. We keep trying.

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Simplicity

 Dear Mr President 

John Maxwell once interviewed a businessman renowned for turning ailing businesses around. 

"What's the first thing you do after buying the company?"

"I fire the executive", was the succinct reply.

"Don't you give them an opportunity to turn the business around?"

" They had the opportunity for five, ten years or more", the businessman replied. 

That's a brutal truth. In South Africa, we would have said "obvious", drawing out the vowels for emphasis.

It's very simple, sir. It wouldn't solve all our problems but it's a damned good place to start. You know that. You were a businessman. The trouble with simple steps is that they often come up against the wall of party politics, lack of appetite and other useless but powerful obstacles.

With your current lot, you have a slightly lower chance of success than Bafana would have against a fired-up German side. That, too, is obvious. 

Imagine a hostage negotiator droning on after half the hostages have been slaughtered. And the hostage-takers are loading fresh clips. Some long game! The time to send in the SWAT team is long overdue. Another brutal truth. 

People are dying. Literally and figuratively. The hope that springs eternal is dying.

Yours in the struggle to retain a mustard seed of optimism.

Richard

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Dorite

Dear Shoprite (And others)

The government departments that we know and love have made an art of torturing their customers.

One expects much better of business. 

Life is grim for senior citizens in South Africa. That excludes those in government and their friends. You might consider this before your next pension payout day. 

You guys know far more about customer service than I ever will. You know all about process engineering. Nothing as technical as the name suggests. Just removing bottlenecks, unnecessary / redundant steps etc.; making the process simpler and faster. Of course, it begins and ends with the question: "What does the customer value?" We could rephrase as: "What makes the customer's life easier / better?".

I can tell you what doesn't make the lives of senior citizens brighter:

Queuing until their legs hurt.

Having to guess whether the cashier's gone to top up the cash in the next province or just in the next town.

Having to guess whether the cashier is coming back or has suffered a mental breakdown.

You guys do this every month. You also spend a fair bit on advertising, telling us what great things you do for us. Why not do some little things for the forgotten people of South Africa? They are your customers too, if you need a business case.

Someone posted very recently on Twitter that South African businesses know nothing about customer service. Can't be. We're the 'friendly country'.  We have uBuntu.

I'm sure you'll prove them wrong.

Yours in the quest for the heart of service.

Richard 

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imiGodoyi

Dear Fellow South Africans 

The word imiGodoyi is flung around with gay abandon on social media. 

I find this insulting, crass, hurtful, unfair and also not lekker. I am taking up the cudgels on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves.

Ever-helpful Google's translation software tells me that umGodoyi means mongrel. The good qualities of mongrels are:

1. Unlike pampered, so-called thoroughbreds, they are tough and resilient. Mongrels are not prone to the ailments peculiar to various breeds.

2. Mongrel dogs are obedient and loyal to a fault. At the master's command, they will bite (and, given advanced training, even urinate on) anyone, without fear, favour or hesitation.

3. They can be regarded as truly indigenous inhabitants of South Africa. They were here long before those 1652 Irish Setters, German Shepherds, Border Collies and others. I strongly suggest that those breeds return to their European kennels.

I call for these insults to imiGodoyi to cease forthwith - comparing innocent dogs to foul, contemptible specimens of homo sapiens. I don't know whether the insults emanate mainly from RET, WMC, house or garden negroes or any of the other colourful groups romping around. The arrogance and insensitivity of these people is, er, arrogant and insensitive. 

This I do know: 

If all insulting references to mongrel dogs are not removed from social media by midnight, you shall hear from my attorneys, who have a fearsome reputation for doggedness. 

We are considering using the services of an advocate who has been much in the news lately. I'm not sure how many cases he's actually won but it's clear that his talents are much in demand in some quarters.

Be warned. Our bite is worse than our bark.

Yours in the struggle for canine dignity.

Richard 

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Somewhere In Time

Dear TV News People

I've just had the fright of my life. 

The first shock came when the TV news anchor greeted me with 'Good Afternoon' before ten a.m.  I checked every clock in the house. A reporter told me that Justice Mlambo was being interviewed that very minute. The hairs on the back of my neck and in my ears stood. I know that those interviews are done and dusted. 

Worse was to come. A broadly smiling sports reporter gave an update on the women's ODI cricket match. I swear that I saw the conclusion of that match. Next came the weather for Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Sunday? I was pretty sure that I had gone to bed on Saturday night. I cannot describe the fear that struck my rapidly beating heart. I know that our country has been going backward for many years. Not that it was so bad and so literal.

Fortunately, someone explained that it was recorded news. Guys, that's about as useful and interesting as driving, in reverse, to a deserted rugby stadium a week after the match to capture the moments.

We know that there is no news on weekends. Villains and newsmakers take a well-earned breather. 

We've already seen:

The merciless massacre of the English language by some of your reporters.

News as pallid and bloodless as a vampire's latest victim. 

An obsession with funeral services.

And much more that seems to symbolize the state of your news service. No need to add composted news.

Perhaps you don't have the budget for weekend news? Well guys, this nonsensical approach doesn't do anything for you  - or us. Do something sensible with what you have. As Hamlet advised the players: "O, reform it altogether."

Yours in the struggle for real news.

Richard

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