Bringing Fokol to the World

 Dear Ambassador  Brigety

I trust that you are now satisfied, following this transparently clear statement from our Defence Minister:

South African Defence Minister, Modise: ‘We did not send fokol to Russia, not even a piece of Chappies

(from a news report).

It is a little confusing, as another publication reports:

Defence Minister Thandi Modise said “fokol” was put on the Russian commercial vessel ship, Lady R...

So, perhaps we did load some fokol on the Russian vessel. That is no cause for concern. Our cartoonist, Zapiro produced a  brilliant cartoon of a 'Fokol' rocket on  Russian jeep. The truth is that fokol is actually a nutritional supplement developed by our brilliant, caring politicians to keep South Africans going through the hard times. And indeed many citizens have managed to subsist on fokol for many years. Our politicians, bless their cholesterol clogged hearts, are working extremely hard to distribute fokol to all South Africans, regardless of race, gender/s or place of purchase of identity documents. Light, airy and insubstantial as the ether, this supplement nevertheless imparts the sort of energy that can enable one to march, dance and yell slogans for hours on end. 

Very many of our politicians make sure that they bring fokol to the table in their parliamentary, provincial or local councillor jobs. I think you begin to get a glimpse, sir, of how we essentially run on fokol. Of course, our good comrades, Vlad and friends, have been contributing fokol to us for many years. It was only right that we return the favour by loading the Lady R with some prime South African fokol.

Yes, there is some inequity. Nobody's perfect (Apart from Jacob Zuma and Julius Malema, according to their acolytes). We are concerned that our leaders, in a gallant show of sacrifice, have been deprived of fokol. We, the people, intend to rectify that soon.

As a 'no hard feelings' diplomatic gesture, we would be happy to supply your country with fokol at preferential rates. You need never fear shortages. As long as you keep the benjamins coming, we will keep churning out fokol. Let me assure you that we are good at this - very, very good.

Yours in the struggle to bring fokol to the whole world.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Party for the Poor

 Dear Mr Malema. 

Dr Google tells me that it will cost a mere 1.2 million to rub shoulders and other relevant body parts with you at your upcoming anniversary celebration. 

At my 10th birthday celebration all that I got was a  Chinese-made toy car which disintegrated on contact with a brick wall. I like the way you comrades think -  big and bold. I certainly like the materialistic aspect of your dialectical materialism. In truth the EFF is growing on me, as I am sure it is growing on all right thinking,  sorry, left thinking South Africans. I had already set aside the sum of two million rands for this great occasion. Who would not jump at the opportunity to sit next to the CIC and next president of this great country? I imagine that the revolutionary nuggets that would fall from your lips between bites of the chicken Kiev ( more likely chicken Moskva) would be, well.... revolutionary. They would probably make the works of chairman Mao and that Marx brother look like the Diary of a Wimpy Kid. 

Alas, the recent plummeting of the rand has left me in penury. This comes on top of the destruction of my VBS investments. You are the party for the poor and the stuffed - around. As one of the nouveau-poor, I have a proposal. I plan to hover at a strategic spot where I can hoover up the crumbs of superior logic bound to fall. I do have some listening equipment that I picked up from a novelty store before the rand crash. Needless to say, I am constantly inspired by your eloquence and the profound workings of your beautiful mind. I never understood what that Greek chap meant when he said that there is no difference between life and death.  Until you illustrated it by boldly stating that you would die and / or kill for Zuma. Not necessarily in that order I imagine. 

I would appreciate it if the odd polystyrene container of leftovers could be sent my way. I trust that, at over a million, the food will be of a quality that would have Gordon Ramsay muttering assorted f-words under his breath in envy. Please don't trouble Floyd as I'm sure that he will address his plates with the same dedicated ferocity that he reserves for capitalists and other enemies of the people. I so look forward to hearing of grand plans for smart cities and bullet trains  - sorry, that's the other guy. I meant plans for wide open borders to allow diligent, innovative investors to stream through, hugging designs for new factories and enterprises to their breasts.  Plans for your coronation and for a dispensation that ensures the presence of a plump chicken in every pot, Nando's peri-peri sauce of choice  accompanying. A Brave New World arising out of the ashes and sewage.  I am reminded of this old song, slightly edited:

What we need is a great big melting pot, Big enough to take Moz, Zim and all it's got.

keep it churning for a dozen years or more.

Turn out smiling Panaf brothers by the score.

I am not yet a card-carrying EFF member. I did carry a placard while watching your stunningly successful shutdown march on TV news. All ten minutes of it. I am however ready to be catapulted over the edge by the persuasive force of superior logic and superior cuisine. You will find in me a staunch ally for as long as there is solid doctrine and equally solid chow to be had. 

Yours in whatever struggle you opt for next. 

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Your Caring Government

An American friend told me of a news item she'd seen about pit toilets in Limpopo. She was almost as shocked  as our  president often is.

It is good to know that our reputation as torch bearer of compassionate democracy  on the African continent  has reached even the shores  of that great Satan  the USA .

I know that people unkindly compare the amount of money spent on making our great leaders comfortable to the amount spent on problems such as these. South Africans must understand that there is a logic to spending millions on ministerial swimming pools, household intercom systems and leaking roofs. Bloody cruel,   callous and selfish, yes,  but still logical.

How shall the  Honourable Ones  steer the ship of state if raindrops keep falling on their heads? Or they cannot order a gin and tonic via the house intercom system? How can they be expected to make the innovative, bold decisions that improve the lives of all South Africans if they are to be troubled by load shedding? The R454 000 reportedly spent on installing a generator for a minister,  the 2.1 million spent on diesel -  why those are mere  crumbs weighed up against the invaluable body of work that the Honourable Ones have done to transform South Africa.

Some compare the money spent on protecting politicians to the amounts  spent on fighting rampant  crime.  Of course our leaders must be protected. Who knows what black-hearted villains lurk  out there,  just waiting to superimpose leaders' faces on pornographic material? As happened recently. I fell into a dead faint at the thought of Mr Ramaphosa and Mr Cele's heads misused in such gross fashion. This is the sort of thing that leads  to the collapse  of civilizations. In fact pornographic graffiti showing Caesar in uncaesarlike like poses is said to have hastened the fall of Rome. Maximus Rudis,  vile graffiti artist  was responsible. He was apprehended by a brilliant centurion, Celsius  Bhekus. the Roman forerunner to  Sherlock Holmes. He received his just reward at the sharp end of a lion's incisors. Just as our own lion of the law, Mr Cele, pounces regularly on villains of every description,  keeping us safe and secure. And will probably pounce on this villain threatening the security of the state with fake pornographic material. These and other fascinating facts can be found in my new book The Role of Celsius Bhekus, Fixus Umbilicus and the Emperor Zero in the fall of Rome. Available at all reputable bookshops and zol outlets. Incidentally,  I have yet to write the book but that should be a  doddle. I intend to seek support from a noted patron of the arts -  Herman,  Lerman -  something like that.

As for  the minister of electricity, he  deserves every  cent that he earns (apparently a Zuma-perplexing amount of cents). In truth,  he should be awarded a massive bonus, similar to the sort of stuff that Eskom staff receive for their  sterling performance in keeping the lights on intermittently. The man who made the earth-shattering discovery that a reliable supply of electricity will ultimately lead to the end of load shedding deserves the sort of plaudits that an Einstein or Newton would receive. Shedding light  into the  dark  corners  of a conundrum that has vexed mankind since the dawn of time. Who knows but that his next epiphany would be that a reliable supply of common sense and conscience will ultimately lead to the end of ANC horse manure.

R400 000 was allegedly spent to eliminate pests at the home of one of our hero-politicians. Now while industry experts are said to have asserted that the job could have been done for R5,000, I do not think that they understand the tenacity  of pests in the homes of politicians. I suspect that the pests still exist in numbers. No doubt it will take many billions more before they are finally removed. An event that many, many South Africans look forward to with great longing. In the meantime we shall have to endure their chirping and nibbling at everything in sight. There is an extremely effective pesticide on the market but South Africans are yet to learn to use it effectively. Voters Choice it is called. Together with the eco-friendly solutions, Civic Action and Democratic Action, this pesticide has been known to remove the most stubborn vermin. Unfortunately,  the use of these solutions has been severely restricted on the African continent. One hopes that that will change as people become thoroughly - to put it elegantly - gatvol of the havoc wreaked by pests.

Yours in the struggle for logical, fair, compassionate distribution of state funds.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Scuffle Needs Help

Dear Readers

I would love to continue scuffling with politicians and persons of interest.

If you enjoy 'The Scuffle Continues', this blogger needs your help to keep going.

Your once-off donation of R20, R50, whatever, will be gratefully  accepted. 

Yours in the scuffle.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

  

US and Us

 Dear American Ambassador . 

So you claim that we loaded arms and ammunition on a Russian ship. 

First, we resent your interference in our affairs. This is no different from peering  into someone's bedroom while they are engaged in earnest conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Sorry, one of the opposite sexes. Do we go on about  loads of catfish and cornbread loaded on some  vessel in a Southern  port?  Weapons of mass indigestion, if you ask me. (Yes, we too, have our sources).

Second, we do not respond willy-nilly to rumours, even if supported by blurry photographs and vague spy reports. We go by the book. In fact we are contributors to the book. We will Institute a commission of inquiry, as we have done with great success in the past. I refer you to  the Eskom debacle, the state capture saga and many other issues that we have conclusively resolved by this method. We even have a commission of inquiry into the gradual boiling of frogs.

Third, we are a fiercely independent nation. This is why we slavishly adhere to other fiercely independent nations, such as the comradely one near the Bering Sea. 

Fourth, we do not take kindly to being bullied, particularly by arrogant, warmongering western states who do lots of trade with us and provide some grudging support. We do occasionally accept friendly bullying from our socialist comrades. This is because they are virtually family. They would welcome us with open arms, open jobs and open fridges into their non-racial communities. Why, I see us doing a jolly cossack knees-up together around a communal bonfire. Vodka toasts, shouts of 'Za zdorovie' and the chowing down of Russian sausages. Perhaps a martial version of the Jerusalema dance. 

We value integrity and ethics above all, even if it means resorting to the odd episode of subterfuge or hypocrisy to maintain them. We have a saying: 

'The comrade of my comrade is my comrade.'

Though one of our think tanks is still working on the full meaning, it does unerringly guide our foreign policy.  

Our commission of  inquiry will be headed by, not the equivalent of some inarticulate senator from Little Rock, Arkansas, but a judge, no less. (With all due respect to Arkansas senators). Our judges, by virtue of training, experience and the wisdom that comes from sending down scores of cunning villains over the years, have unique insight and abilities. The ability to see beyond potentially misleading paper, electronic and other records to the very depths of a  ship's dark hold, not least among them. Be assured that we will get to the soggy bottom of this unpleasant matter. Doubtless we will find that the cargo consisted of nothing more sinister than nutritious maize meal and equally fine mampoer, both of which Russians enjoy with their caviar or borscht. Oh, there might have been some kudu biltong included. 

No doubt we will be chuckling over this little misunderstanding in about 

six months' time, once the commission has speedily concluded its business. In the meantime  we trust that AGOA will steam ahead. We are sensitive to how great a loss to you our exclusion would be. And we are a 'let bygones be bygones' sort of people. One can clearly ascertain that from the number of thugs, thieves, frauds and looters that we still graciously allow to wander our land in freedom. 

Yours in the struggle for truth and transparency, as well as goodwill among men, women and infants.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Serving the Nation

 Chatting to my friend from Muckistan,  I asked  how things were going in his country. 

He sighed. 

"I'm in an unbelievably long queue at the Interior Ministry,  trying to get some documents. My fourth attempt. An elderly lady just fainted from standing so long in the heat."

"But don't they provide some sort of seating or at least do something to make it easier for the elderly?"

"Oh no, their business is documents, not people. At least when they're not having tea or chatting  about world events. There is an enterprising bloke who rents out chairs for the day. Not everyone can afford that."

 "Is this normal?"

 He laughed. 

"Not in a normal world. In a Dickens novel, maybe.  But it is standard here. All that I can say is that brains are little used while bottoms grow fat."

"That's harsh."

"Not harsh enough for an organisation and a government goes on about 'people first' and Lord knows what other sanctimonious stuff that has buggerall to do with reality. "

"Is it always like that?"

"It's our bread and butter". he replied.

"But surely there are supervisors and managers."

"And?"

"Their jobs are to monitor, intervene, improve. In any normal organisation, the kind of mess you're describing should not become the norm,"

This time the laughter bordering on hysteria:

 "Why do you keep using the word 'normal'? You see there are a hundred ways to improve this process. It's not that difficult. Ultimately all of this or most of it could be done online."

"So what's the problem?"

 "Ah, you see,  ability to do something is one thing. Willingness is another. Actually giving a stuff is still another."

"Do you, ever get to comment or rate the services?"

"My friend,  this is government, not business."

"But you are paying for these services."

 "Yes well, through the international scam called taxes."

"Why do you call it a scam?"

"Can you think of any other investment that you have ever made that gives you such pathetic returns? And, in our case, is regularly plundered by the very people entrusted with its care?"

"Pathetic returns?"

"Disintegrating roads and services , rogues, thieves, incompetents and buffoons in office, crime gone ballistic...You want more?"

"Is the department always so chaotic?"

"Oh no. there are pockets of excellence."

"Really?"

"Yes, some of the employees allegedly provide services on the side for special customers and that is incredibly fast, efficient and lucrative too."

"What?"

"That's a long story for another time."

 "It sounds as if something illegal is going on."

"A sound as familiar as the chirping of birds, in our country. But our government has difficulty hearing, for the noise of their own yapping, farting and belching."

"Ouch! That's to the crotch."

"Where we get kicked regularly by the same muckers."

"So do something about it. You are a democracy after all. You know - will of the people, voice of the people and all that."

"Ha, ha, ha. Let me explain how this works here. We elect these people supposedly based on character and competence.  Great responsibility, great reward. But like you and I, they should be fired when they don't perform or misbehave. But here, they become gods. You don't boot a god up his all-powerful arse, do you? And that, my friend, sums up the entire mess."

"This is the 21st century, not Game of Thrones."

"Oh, we might become  a study for political science students, sociologists psychologist and historians for years to come. Stockholm Syndrome,  masochism, who knows?  This I can tell you: as a people, we have been thoroughly scammed. And we seem to love it. But how is it in your country?"

"Fortunately, we have Ubuntu." 

 

"What's that?"

"A philosophy of humanity towards other people. I suppose you could see it as a vision of a kinder, gentler nation  and country."

"You lucky sod."

"Indeed. Sometimes we pinch  ourselves."

Our conversation was terminated by loadshedding, followed  by the rattle of automatic rifle fire as druglords and their vassals  continued their ageless fueds.

I sat in the dark, contemplating our Good fortune.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Prison To President

Dear Mister Trump.

I was both alarmed and inspired at the dramatic pictures of your  valiant scuffles with New York's finest. 

Of course, it was all AI generated stuff,  I discovered, after having called the US Embassy to protest at your treatment. I bet that, had it been real, you would have shown those lefty minions a thing or two. You did show them a clean pair of heels in one of the pictures. Now that's the sort of president that a modern country needs. Thought in action and action in thought and all that. Boldness in both.

Based on those pictures alone, we would have invited you to take on the role down here in South Africa. After all we elected a chap for two terms based on his dancing ability. You see, we know what really matters in leadership. Unfortunately, our warm, firm, fraternal  friendship with the comrades  across the Bering Sea precludes such an arrangement.  Also many of our people, particularly distinguished Twitter intellectuals, see your country as the Great Satan. Quite a generous and helpful Satan, but a Satan nevertheless.

There is something quite ominous, though, about the timing of those pictures. As Secretary-General of the TWAT group (Trump Will Again Triumph), I thought it prudent to do some precautionary research. This is just in the event that you do end up as a  distinguished guest of the state. Here is the good news. Your countryman, a Mister Debs, campaigned from his prison cell, back in 1920.  He garnered almost 3% of the vote. Now Mister Debs,  with all due respect, was a nobody compared to you. You had the wholehearted support of such patriots as the Proud Boys. I bet that even the Humble Boys, if they exist, would give a testicle for you. Or part thereof. Many solid citizens see you as the best thing since low GI sliced bread. 

I saw the martyred, noble profile of Mister Debs in his mugshots. Picture your own mugshot - determined chin jutting forward, lips pursed to issue commands, eyes gazing at a distant horizon, orange hair in place. What a campaign poster!  A memorable slogan such as 'Stone  walls do not a prison make' would complete the deal.

Mr Lula of Brazil went from prison to president. Mr Mandela went from prison to president. Mr Zuma went from president to prison -  oops, sorry, let's  skip that one. So there is much potential in this prison scenario. If those men could do it, Good Lord, what could not  a determined patriot like you do?  What's more, you would top all those achievements by being the first president actually domiciled and officed

in prison. (There's something about working from home).

 

The drama of your State of the Nation address from a prison cell would be the stuff of Hollywood legend. I see you perched on your striped blanket, flanked by characters with memorable names such as Fingers Finnegan, Machine Gun Malone and Two Ton Tony. Your sonorous 'My fellow Americans' would roll out to a  haunting acapella background rendition of 'We Shall Overcome' and 'Let My People Go'. Cheers and wolf whistles  from your fellow Americans in the institution would raise the patriotic hairs on even bald American citizens. Cameras would capture fervent two-finger and middle finger salutes. Moments to savour and remember. 

Sir we in the city of Durban have been paying a salary of some R45,000 per month, for the last 10 months or so, to a city councilor awaiting trial for the murder of his predecessor.  Proof enough that a prison sentence in modern times is not an insurmountable obstacle for the man, or woman, or trans, of ambition and vision. 

So, there we have it, sir. We can make some sparkling lemonade out of the lemons that are being flung at you.

I am available as a consultant (working from the outside, of course). Fees can be negotiated and you will find me more than reasonable ('desperate' has been used), particularly as I am currently unemployed and engaged in writing real news to counter the flood of fake stuff that you boldly identified some time ago. 

Yours in the struggle fought from within.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Freedom's Just Another Word

 A conversation I had recently with an ill-mannered foreigner. 

"I see you guys celebrated your Freedom Day recently. Hoo ha!"

 "Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?"

Yes well, you guys are not exactly the poster children for freedom and democracy,  or clean government for that matter."

"Say what?"

."Let me put it this way. Which of these freedoms are you most grateful for:

All day queues ending in execrable service by uncivil servants?

Rampant crime that has you gleefully celebrating your freedom behind high walls and electric fences? Your Thabo Beater had more freedom.

 Galloping corruption and buffoonery worthy of The Three Stooges?"

"I can't deny that we have our problems but we do have freedom and democracy."

Yes, almost 30 years of it and you have what to show.for it?"

"Since when have you been so cynical?"

"Ever since I learnt to recognise  Orwellian rubbish for what it is."

 "What do you  mean?"

"Simply that lies are lies, whether they be promises repeated ad nauseam instead of fulfilled, non-performance spun into achievement ot just the standard vomit of cliches and sloganeering."

"And there speaks a guy whose own country is just one banana short of a dictatorship."

"Have you looked around you lately? The family resemblance is getting remarkably close. Your democracy looks uncannily like a dick tatorship."

"What?"

"As they say in your parliament, the dicks have it. You elected the same guys over and over despite the obvious and rapid downward spiral that they are taking you down. What is wrong with you guys?"

"At least we have real elections, which is more than I can say for your lot. We may not all be happy with the outcomes but that's the nature of democracy."

"Sounds more like the nature of stupidity to me. Would you keep on employing the same people who are gutting your company?"

"Hang on now; that's not the same thing."

"Who pays your so-called civil servants from national level down to city level?"

"Obviously the national treasury from taxes."

"And you are perfectly happy to see your taxes squandered by incompetents. thieves and buffoons? That is the will of the people?" 

"Well; there's not too much we can do until the next election." 

"Ah,  five years of freedom to plunder and blunder. What a democracy. So shallow that the roots shake when your ravenous rabbits feed on the green leaves."

"You are being overly simplistic."

"Important principles are simple. Where is the 'for the people by the people'? Or is it the will of the people to be robbed and buggered?"

"Come on, you know that the game of politics is more complex than that.  What would you do?"

"That's your trouble right there. You South Africans still  think it's a game. I'll tell you what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't watch my country gurgle down the toilet U- bend to the sound of mindless singing and dancing."

"Bloody hell! I thought you called to congratulate me on Freedom Day, not depress me to the brink of self-harm."

"This will cheer you up.  Something I cannibalized from 'Me and Bobby McGee' specially for your happy celebrations:

Busted flat in every way

Sliding down the drain

Future faded as a dream

We'll just keep on drifting down 

Hey, it's not as bad as it may seem

Freedom"s just another word for our turn to loot'         You know we didn't struggle to be poor                       And feelin' good is easy, Lord, in a BMW                    That kind of  feelin' good is good enough for me     Good enough for me and for  my party

"Stick to your day job, karaoke king. Why are you so worked up over what's happening in our country?"

"Elementary, mfo ka Watson. We hoped you'd be the exception. New moon rising over Southern Africa and all that.  Instead you've mooned us with your jugglers and your clowns. Not a pretty sight. Talk about dearly bought and cheaply sold! Oh and, happy Freedom Day!"

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723