Dear American Ambassador .
So you claim that we loaded arms and ammunition on a Russian ship.
First, we resent your interference in our affairs. This is no different from peering into someone's bedroom while they are engaged in earnest conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Sorry, one of the opposite sexes. Do we go on about loads of catfish and cornbread loaded on some vessel in a Southern port? Weapons of mass indigestion, if you ask me. (Yes, we too, have our sources).
Second, we do not respond willy-nilly to rumours, even if supported by blurry photographs and vague spy reports. We go by the book. In fact we are contributors to the book. We will Institute a commission of inquiry, as we have done with great success in the past. I refer you to the Eskom debacle, the state capture saga and many other issues that we have conclusively resolved by this method. We even have a commission of inquiry into the gradual boiling of frogs.
Third, we are a fiercely independent nation. This is why we slavishly adhere to other fiercely independent nations, such as the comradely one near the Bering Sea.
Fourth, we do not take kindly to being bullied, particularly by arrogant, warmongering western states who do lots of trade with us and provide some grudging support. We do occasionally accept friendly bullying from our socialist comrades. This is because they are virtually family. They would welcome us with open arms, open jobs and open fridges into their non-racial communities. Why, I see us doing a jolly cossack knees-up together around a communal bonfire. Vodka toasts, shouts of 'Za zdorovie' and the chowing down of Russian sausages. Perhaps a martial version of the Jerusalema dance.
We value integrity and ethics above all, even if it means resorting to the odd episode of subterfuge or hypocrisy to maintain them. We have a saying:
'The comrade of my comrade is my comrade.'
Though one of our think tanks is still working on the full meaning, it does unerringly guide our foreign policy.
Our commission of inquiry will be headed by, not the equivalent of some inarticulate senator from Little Rock, Arkansas, but a judge, no less. (With all due respect to Arkansas senators). Our judges, by virtue of training, experience and the wisdom that comes from sending down scores of cunning villains over the years, have unique insight and abilities. The ability to see beyond potentially misleading paper, electronic and other records to the very depths of a ship's dark hold, not least among them. Be assured that we will get to the soggy bottom of this unpleasant matter. Doubtless we will find that the cargo consisted of nothing more sinister than nutritious maize meal and equally fine mampoer, both of which Russians enjoy with their caviar or borscht. Oh, there might have been some kudu biltong included.
No doubt we will be chuckling over this little misunderstanding in about
six months' time, once the commission has speedily concluded its business. In the meantime we trust that AGOA will steam ahead. We are sensitive to how great a loss to you our exclusion would be. And we are a 'let bygones be bygones' sort of people. One can clearly ascertain that from the number of thugs, thieves, frauds and looters that we still graciously allow to wander our land in freedom.
Yours in the struggle for truth and transparency, as well as goodwill among men, women and infants.
Richard
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
Capitec Bank, South Africa
1378565477
O Tichmann
+27 833970723
No comments:
Post a Comment