Durban: Place of Great Burning

Like many of you, I reluctantly left  the warm embrace of Durban's humidity some years ago. I returned recently to find the city much changed. Looking for West Street, I walked up and down Dr Pixley ka Seme street for hours. Then I remembered that we have discarded such relics of colonialism as the English names for the four compass points. And of course we are currently freeing ourselves from the equally cloying embrace of the  neo-colonialist West. Our new comrades may not offer as much trade as the old, but they do offer good vodka, warm comradeship and other important intangibles, vital for life, liberty and the pursuit of elusive happiness.

I wandered into Point Road (now Mahatma Gandhi Road). Once known as a hub for entertainment and cultural exchanges with foreign sailors, Point Road has apparently cleaned up its act. I was, therefore,  shocked to see a sign brazenly advertising Butt Traders. ""Yoh!", I said to myself, which is South African for "Golly!". It turned out that Butt is a surname. I was hugely disapp....,I mean, relieved. My virtue, which I prize as highly as some prize tenders for road name changes, was safe.

Right outside Durban's department of public works building, the paving stones had rebelled against whatever held them down.  They stuck out at interesting, sharp angles, allowing only one person at a time to use the walkway - at own risk. A decaying building next door seemed held together only by the danger tape around it. I wondered how long it had been so.  Probably only a year or two, going on the sterling record of our guardians of the city. Within the public works building, many voices were raised in loud, joyous song. Probably celebrating successes in the battle against raised paving stones and decaying buildings. They sang with the same gusto and bravura that surely must be applied to repairing our ravaged infrastructure. The song seemed to be made up of the same few words sung over and over. All of this was was so quintessentially South Africa today. My heart swelled with patriotic and provincial pride. I couldn't make out the words of the song, but the malady lingers on.

There is an upside to Durban's sad, neglected appearance. Tourists love historical ruins. Durban has got the ruins part right.

Durban people need to stop complaining about elected officials. It's hard to balance looting and other duties. Looting requires far more effort and inventiveness than the dull, soul destroying business of running a metro efficiently. One can understand how the artistic souls of our best are engaged, transfix̌ed, captured.  Was ever a muse so fair as money? Water, electricity, services - these things are ephemeral but the monuments to looting, like all great art, live on forever. Well, at least a hell of a long time.

To celebrate the national sport of looting, here's borrowing from well-known literature:

Fragments from the Misiderata (apologies to Max Ehrmann):

Go stealthily amid the noise and the haste, and remember what joy there may be in looting . As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all victims......

Avoid honest and ethical persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare your loot with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser looters than yourself.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the kleptoverse no less than the thieves and the tsotsis; you have a right to be here...

Fragments from If - The Looters' Version (apologies to the Kipling bloke):

If you can keep your loot when all about you   

 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust the Cause when all men doubt it,....

If you can talk with crowds and know your slogans,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the sticky touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Simply because you know too much....

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of looting done,   

Yours is this land and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a party Man, my son!

I encourage you to visit the great coastal city of Durban. Some useful information:

Relief from heat and cloying humidity comes from cool ocean breezes scented with the  exotic perfume of Durban's finest zol (marijuana). It was this heady mix that had NDZ exclaim in poetic rapture on the mysteries of zol and saliva.

The people of Durban and KZN are renowned for their political astuteness, farsightedness and loyalty to the chess loving Mr Bojangles of KZN politics (Lord, that man could dance!). They are also very fair-minded and tend to give discredited politicians many opportunities to discredit themselves further. During the last municipal elections, a mayor, who had not covered himself in glory during the looting and other jolly stuff that took place in 2021, was speedily re-elected.  Ms Gumede, of solid waste tender fame, who some said had covered herself in….. something else, also took her rightful place. “KZN is f&*^%d”, wrote an angry, disgusted resident. Durban people can be so melodramatic. That’s going too far. Buggered, yes. 

Spirituality is also important to the people of KZN. Not all that long ago, our pious ANC comrades proposed a ceremony to cleanse KZN of bad spirits from the Anglo-Boer war, who are supposedly behind the violence and murders in the province. During KZN's many wars, scuffles and tussles, people of all hues stabbed, shot and generally donnered one another. But it just had to be the white spirits still stirring it up, didn't it? Can't take these white folks anywhere. One of my many uncouth friends suggested that a quite different sort of white spirit led to this proposal. 

In 2021 Durban literally became The Place of Great Burning, during the troubles. This was when His Former Excellency was offered state accommodation in Estcourt, no passing ‘Begin’, no collecting R200. 

Imagine this, thirty years later:

A grandfather regales his grandchildren with tales of that struggle. Driven by hunger and revolutionary fervour, he acquired a large screen TV set (which still takes pride of place in the lounge) and was able to assuage his hunger with large helpings of MasterChef Australia. The grandchildren are enchanted by the tales of derring do. 

"Yes, my children." With a grand sweep of his arm, Grandpa takes in the scenery outside. Burnt trucks litter the verges of the roads, blackened skeletons of buildings dot the green countryside.

"And one day, all this will be yours."

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Service With a Sneer

Capitec has not the faintest idea of the meaning of that mysterious word, 'service'.

I have had several interesting experiences with Capitec.  This may well count as the most fascinating. I bought a voucher on their banking app that turned out to be invalid.  I called the Capitic customer care line, and that was when the fun began, proving that those two 'c' words are not in the organization's lexicon. 

 I should have known, from the very first response, that this was going to be a dizzy merry-go-round ride.

"The voucher vendor is not Capitec, sir. They are a separate business."

A quick Pontious Pilate like washing of the hands. 

It got better. Capitec's answering service Is like a maze with no beginning and no end. I had a wonderful array of meaningless  choices. One of them ('Press 4 for questions about an existing enquiry')  always resulted in the call terminating rather abruptly. 

I went from the useless answering service to an even more useless (if such is  possible)  Whatsapp service.

It didn't matter what choice I made.I always landed up with someone who would tell me that I was at the wrong department and then transfer me. This resulted in my telling the same dreary story about fifty times.

Promises to call back were never kept. It was like dealing with the ANC. It took about three weeks to resolve a problem that any business worthy of the name would have been keen to resolve immediately, as it lay at their door, regardless of who the voucher vendor was.  In South Africa, the buck never stops. Urgency or a sense of responsibility are clearly beyond most of our businesses. As in our political milieu.

Had Capitec brought together their best minds in order to devise ways to completely frustrate the customer,  they could not have done better. And this is our number one bank?

The SABC, of course, never misses a promising opportunity to disappoint or stuff up royally. They confidently announced that the Currie Cup final would be shown at four p m.  What was actually on at the promised time was the worst movie I have ever had the misfortune to see. I pressed the 'information' button on the remote. The result told me that I was insane and yes, it was indeed the Currie Cup final that I was mistaking for an exquisitely bad movie.

So nobody monitors? Just flick the switch and go on to more interesting things than the job? This was not the first time. One of the few series I could stomach  on SABC was JAG. One day, no warning given, JAG was not on  at the allotted time.  The series was back the  next week but a previous episode  repeated. It seems to me that nobody at the SABC monitors what is actually happening? That would also explain the many misspelt and grammatically incorrect captions that often lie unmolested at the bottom of the screen.

There is a home for senior citizens in the city, with a wonderful set of value statements  right at the entrance. Here's what I have observed. The staff are, like many of our politicians, pretty much invisible most of the time. They can barely greet and seem to be at pains to avoid the people they serve. At a meeting that I missed, one of them had a physical altercation with a resident and received a resounding klap for his troubles.  The resident was evicted. Another resident told me that a few days later, the klapped one called him an Instigator  and commented that he would be the next to be evicted. Why instigator  I asked. Because he had asked  a question not to the gentleman's liking. What? Is this communist China? Guys this is not Game of Thrones and you are not  untouchable royalty. Thus far, I have seen little evidence of those wonderful values actually being lived out. Perhaps I'm being overly cynical and critical but this looks much more to me like a Home Affairs type setup. 

"Don't disturb me. Let me do my paperwork, have my tea and collect my pay."

Of course, let's not forget that our government has led the way in living out culture and values. It's noteworthy how many organizations are faithful in emulating them. Some lessons that many South African organizations have learned from government are:

1. Appoint the most ill-suited  people you can find. If they have no stomach or aptitude for the responsibilities, so much the better. it's about paycheck, not  contribution 

2. Have no supervision or leadership worthy of the name

3. Make sure that there are no consequences for poor or non-performance (except salary, of course).

4. Show total disrespect for the people you are supposed to serve. Give them the great South African service finger.

South Africa is now indeed a wanker's paradise.

And genuine service that requires a soul? Come now, you're not really asking that, are you?

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So What’s Gnu?

It's been a month for congratulations and condolences. 

An ANC person, somewhat plaintively, commented that the DA ministers in the GNU have been showing up their ANC comrades... no, counterparts; we're not at the comrade stage yet. Not a terribly difficult thing to do.  Anybody can outrun a lame duck. (That's just a local proverb. I would never say that the ANC are lame ducks. That would be insulting  - to ducks).

Like many of my comrades in red, green and other flamboyant hues, I want to alert my fellow South Africans to the mortal danger that the DA poses to our democracy. They haven't come up with anything to rival 'umShini Wam' or 'Kill the Boer'.  Their dancing is embarrassing. Nothing jaw-dropping has ever come from the DA. Who was it came up with smallanyana skeletons, the discovery of hazenile (a Wakanda-like mineral), carrying medicine by head? Not the DA. They are deadly dull. How could they possibly dream that they can govern South Africa, land of Generations, Durban Gen, umKhonto...Given the opportunity, they will turn us into a colourless, humourless nation like the Swedes or the Germans.

Dear Floyd, congratulations on your  move to MK. MK's loss, EFF's gain  ... sorry, should that be the other way? From Malema to Zuma is surely a step up. Ok, it's a step. You cannot be forever in the shadow of the CIC, great, wise statesman though he is. At least now you will be in the shadow of the Honourable Daughter. And Daddy. I am sure that you will fit right in.  What that bunch of colourful former judges, politicians and repo rate experts needs is a dose of superior logic and banking expertise.  

You said that your departure is not a sign of distrust in the EFF but a revolutionary gesture that will unite progressive forces behind an agenda to work for progressive and revolutionary change. I used a similar argument after being fired from my last company. And yes, it doesn't get more progressive and revolutionary than the motley crew led by the chess grandmaster.

'I am sure that Floyd Shivambu will add great value to the MK party - he is ideologically profound - so too is Julius Malema,' gushed a loyal MK / EFF supporter.

Yes, regurgitating  chunks of  doggerel (of African origin, surely) does tax the brain cells. And look what a difference that has made to the poor and to the huddled masses yearning to be free.

Condolences to Mr Malema. A tragic loss. I can empathize. We recently lost the treasurer of our social club. An almost insupportable loss,  as he left with the club funds (allegedly spotted shopping at Louis Vuitton). Mr Malema, I am willing to fill the gap. I have a good line in insults. While I draw the line at throttling journalists, I'm happy to wag the odd forefinger and toss out inventive threats. I am flexible almost to the point of flip-flopping. A great fit, yes? A quick study, I have already boned up on creative border crossing and dialectical materialism. I just won't do ice. 

You reportedly said that it was as difficult as losing a mother. A friend once called Floyd a 'mother' (meant as a compliment, I think).

Congratulations to Al Jama - ah for going the extra mile or two to the church of air-walking spiritual jedi, Bushiri, for a prophecy on poll performance. Asked why he would visit a fugitive from South African justice, party leader, Ganief Hendricks, told a TV interviewer that he had never been to Malawi before. He took the  opportunity to visit. Sounds reasonable to me. As a responsible, ethical politician, carrying the hopes of hundreds of voters, I'd also take the opportunity to go, say, to Dubai, for a prophecy from the Guptas. Still, those leaders needn't have gone all the way to Malawi for a prophecy on poll performance. I could have told them that it wouldn't be lekker.

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Protecting the CIC

Dear EFF Comrades

I value the wonderful exchanges that we've had on TikTok and YouTube. Almost as much as your Great Leaders value quality garments and accessories.

I'm very moved by how sensitive you are. You protect your CIC with the same passion as those honourable members who once vowed to protect Zuma with their backsides. Touching stuff - really. I suppose that gives a whole new meaning to 'rear guard'.

TikTok expressed some concern about the 'aggressive' and in their own words, 'bullying' responses to some of my videos... They suggested ways that I could cut you off. Now why would I want to do that? Your responses are most entertaining -  unimaginative, somewhat pathetic - but entertaining still. I hope that you like that I 'like' all your responses. 

Someone suggested that he could set up a debate for me with Mr Malema. Who am I to debate with Mr Malema? He is, after all, the great commander-in-chief of ground forces as numerous as the sands of the polluted Durban sea. We witnessed how they almost swept him into power. I am just an ordinary South African citizen. Even that is in doubt, according to EFF theology. My grandfather was German and my grandmother South African. I suspect that your dogma would be that I should go back to Germany. I have never been there, so I suppose I can't really go back. But I do get your drift. Perhaps I'll find a creative way to get there. Suggestions welcome. I'm not overly fond of sausages and beer. On the other hand, we South Africans are very adaptable and I suppose I could get used to it. After all,  over the years, we've got used to pathetic debates, absolute rubbish for political discourse, dismal leadership, galloping 

 corruption and everything else that makes South Africa a truly great country to live in. I might as well have a debate with Donald Trump or the school bully. 

It's fascinating that those who dole out insults like VBS handouts find it so heart- wrenching to take a jab or two in return. But hey, I understand.  Don't touch the C.I.C. It's like mucking about with a high priest or even whatever god it is that he serves.

I would also be protective of a great leader who holds in his mighty hands the promise of free Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana, and land. 

Yes, I can see you guys in power. No.

Nonsense with you -  all action. Moer anyone who gets in the way of dialectical materialism, CIC worship, or any of the however many pillars that you have. I can see the quality of debate and political discourse in the land soaring heavenward.

I suspect that many of you would like me to stop writing about the CIC. Call it a hunch. How can I, when I grow with every flip flop and insult that he scatters abroad? Long long live the CIC and may he and you continue to provide me with the wonderful material that I so appreciate.. See you on Tiktok  and on YouTube, my dear Comrades.

Yours in the struggle to protect Great Leaders.

Richard 

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Glorious, Glorious MK

 This from one of our MK intellectuals:

'Breaking: The highly ethical and fastest-growing political Party in Africa, uMkhonto WeSizwe, under the magnificent leadership of His Excellency President Jacob Zuma, will not be attending parliament tomorrow to legitimize the unholy marriage between Ramaphosa's ANC and the Racist DA.

Rooted in a deep respect for the constitution and its citizens, the ethical MK party has firmly rejected the biased dismissal of the rigged elections by the IEC and Zondo. 

The glorious MK party hold 58 seats in parliament based on the rigged results, effectively without MK party's presence in parliament, the constitutional requirement of a minimum of 350 members is not met, rendering any parliamentary proceedings illegal under section 46 of the constitution. 

His Excellency President Zuma will soon address the nation to chart a path forward. The sole mission of the MK party is to rescue South Africa from the impending disaster of the ANC and DA's marriage from hell.

The exceptional tactician of our time, Dr Jacob Zuma, continues to lead from front. The Mk Party is not in this for self interest, parliament salary and so on, it is about rescuing our land and the dignity of all South Africans.'

And:

'You’d think you are having a nightmare when reading some of the rubbish from Thumaminamedia journalist. 

The propaganda machine is on full speed. 😅🚮🚮🚮

The Moses of today, His Excellency President Jacob Zuma. Under divine leadership,  President Zuma continues to fight enemies here and abroad for the economic freedom of ordinary South Africans. We know the West want SA out of BRICS, God and our ancestors have summoned Dr Zuma back from retirement to rescue SA. More strength to the founder of African BRICS, as we “Watch and Pray”; we continue to curse the rigged doomsday marriage of ANC and racist....'

Dear Prof Moya

Thank you for putting things into perspective.

Yes, I must say that whenever I need to look to examples of ethical and moral behaviour, there is but one direction in which to look, MK and its ethical leadership. John Maxwell once said that no organization can rise above its leader. If the leader is rated, say, five, the organization cannot be more than four. That must put MK up there in the firmament, among the stars.

I think with great gratitude of the many lessons in morality and ethics that I have learned from your great leader. The ones that mean the most to me are the following:

Never impregnate the daughter of a friend or a woman young enough to be your granddaughter.

When you are surrounded by more scandals than you've had breakfasts in your entire lifetime, it is time to step down quietly for the sake of the office and the country

When you are accused of unethical behaviour or transgression of the law, go to court soonest and face your accusers. Clear your great name. Do not drag out the case for years. That casts a shadow on your  reputation for integrity and morality. Of course,  that is barring continuous bouts of ill health and the presence of hostile malicious prosecutors. 

We all know of the great respect in which your leader holds the constitution and the judiciary. It's just Roman Dutch law that is a problem. I seem to recall that the constitutional court once ruled that the Great One had violated his oath of office, not upholding and defending the constitution. But let's not make much of little things, the way that the cunning WMC and Stratcom do.

I was on the point of voting for the DA. I read your beautifully constructed, objective, academically sound, adjective-rich argument above.  I then realized that the

 machiavellian DA have been pretending all along to provide good service and clean government, while harbouring in their serpent's bosoms, the deep and evil desire to bring back apartheid, colonialism and, for all we know, the feudal system. I promptly changed my vote to one for that ethical, glorious party, spearheaded by the ethical Chessmaster.  I had hope that we would sweep KZN and the country. Alas, by some trickery, witchcraft or all of the above, even the chess grandmaster was check mated by the forces of evil 

Nonetheless we shall fight on, with the great nine years as our inspiration. We shall trample down the repo rate and everything that stands in the way of the revolution

of ethical, moral government for the people, by the people.

Why should his Excellent Self legitimize that unholy marriage between the DA and the ANC?  It would be equivalent to encouraging sexual congress between older men (who should know better) and women of daughter  / granddaughter age.

Indeed, I fear that this new wildebeest government is but the first step in the thousand mile return journey to apartheid  and other abominable stuff.

I wait with bated breath for the Excellent One to address the nation on the way forward and the rescue plan to save us from the dark desires and intentions of the wildebeest conspirators. Our faith is in that excellent tactician and chess grandmaster. We have already seen the success of the parliamentary stay away gambit. And surely there is much more to come. After all, as you said, the higher powers would never have called a Great One out of retirement for nothing. Or just to sing the machine gun song, lovely and poignant though it is. I am sure that he has heard the voice from the burning bush, or burning factory or school. 

And he has responded as a Chosen One should. 

Yes, I too spit on that rigged doomsday marriage, as I would spit on sending rogues and buffoons to parliament, dodging the law, being willing to burn a country down for greed and ego, monstrous lies and self-delusion. I just mention those. In passing.

Thank goodness for the glorious, excellent, ethical, constitution-hugging, almost-sainted MK and its magnificent leader, in whom all these qualities are multiplied many times. 

Of course, I'm delighted to see that so many of your MPs are of unimpeachable character and reputation. Terrible if you had disgraced former judges and assorted dodgy characters in your ranks.

Yours in the struggle for excellent, ethical government and leadership.

Richard 

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Moonwalking Malema

Dear Mr Malema 

I've always maintained that you are a great, misunderstood entertainer. I'm so glad that you have cleared that up. Too many people take you for a serious politician and some misguided souls even think that you are a statesman.

Your Michael Jackson allusion is remarkably on song.

Your have entertained us royally with your moonwalking, flip-flopping and shuffling.

Like Michael, your crotch grabbing (you told parliamentarians that you have them by the scrotum), shrieks and yelps, have kept us entranced.

“I'm not a regional leader. I'm international. I can walk into any country, you'll think Michael Jackson, the showstopper has arrived in the whole continent. So, you're telling me about Limpopo, what, what. What's that you want to reduce me to (Mogoboya Nelson) Ramodike and (King Patrick Ramaano) Mphephu,” he said. (Daily Sun)

People of Limpopo and Gauteng will be pleased to know that you don't care about them.   Of course, you meant that you care about South Africa as a whole, but those with white tendencies  and with nonsense in their pants (to quote one of your more profound utterances), will seize on that and blow it right out of context. Just as they did when you reportedly said that you would kill for Zuma. Meaning, of course, that you would die for him. Any sensible person would have made that deduction. I often use those words interchangeably myself. So do many other people. They are, after all, so similar in pronunciation and meaning.

As a matter of interest, would you still, in the words of the love song, catch a grenade for him? Or just stick to having Earl Grey and Romany Creams with him?

I read about these continent-shaking revelations in the Daily Sun. As they have been hunting zombies and tokoloshes with untiring zeal for many years, I find their reporting very credible. I am satisfied that there could be no bloody agent influences here.

With voting done and you perhaps left with not too much to do, it could well be the time to kick off that African dance tour. Followed, naturally, by a world tour. Your adoring fans must be in a fever of impatience and expectation. 

I am ready to assist (at discounted tender rates) and will be delighted to see the back of you. I mean, of course, as you moonwalk off into the African dusk. That's all I mean.

I suggest that you kick off with 'Black or White'.

Yours in the struggle for quality entertainment.

Richard 

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Whereto, Commonsense?

Have we South Africans totally lost our grip on reality?

A fellow who styles himself 'engineer' had this to say, following halfway-mark vote counting:

"The first order of business should be to change the National Anthem. Take out Die Stem and leave the original version. If you can't change the National Anthem, then forget about the land and NHI."

As an engineer, you would know that this critical initiative will have water and electricity flowing again to households, crime levels falling dramatically, the economy reviving, corruption smashed. 

One of my very rude friends responded as follows:

"Kak, man, if you are an adult with at least one brain cell working, you will know that the first order of business is to restore order and commonsense and get things working again in this country. Have you been drinking? Smoking ganja? Or are you always like this? Thank heavens you're not responsible for energy supply, or anything that requires the use of logic. I'm not talking about EFF-style superior logic. Just the sort of stuff my four year old grandson applies to daily life."

I, of course, rebuked him, pointing out that he ought to show some respect for our intellectuals. Where would we be without them?

An ANC worthy commented:

"We are quite confident of the work we've done over 30 years...."

"Yes",  chimed in the rude one. "Few can boast of your diligence and dedication in the fields of corruption, incompetence and buffoonery.  And, of course, your ingenious explanations, excuses and rationalizations of your dismal failures and betrayals would have George Orwell licking his lips".

Can't take this bugger anywhere.

Dear politicians, we know that this is a stressful time. You may be watching your six figure incomes, free cars, free houses and other goodies slipping away. but please keep off the grass, stay off the jungle juice, before making comments that would embarrass the class dunce. Or at least until you have something sensible to say.

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