Vouchers and Vultures

If you want to turn a good idea and a fairly decent initiative into a major fiasco, here's how:

Put together a benefit for the poor. Then make it available to only some of said poor, needy and desperate.

Make the organization and the criteria so loose and vague that there's lots of room for fraud, theft, nepotism and favouritism.

Make sure that the communication is so vague as to be almost non-existent, so that jolly rumours can abound and have people scrambling around like chickens at feeding time. Strip these people of the last vestiges of dignity that they may have

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the Great South African voucher fiasco. 

I first heard about the voucher initiative about a year ago. During a break at a function, someone whispered to me that the local councillor was giving out vouchers to the needy. This was a "don't tell anyone" sort of whisper, accompanied by furtive glances left and right. I later forgot all about it but that was certainly an early sign that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. When such things are whispered in corridors,  one must needs ask why. Interesting to speculate how many people have never heard of this initiative. Even more interesting to speculate how many people, who most desperately needed the vouchers, have never had the chance of a snowball in a blast furnace to get their hands on them. I'm reminded of the story of the disabled man at the healing pool of Siloam, who just never could get into the pool because he was brushed aside by those more able than him. How many such people do we have in our communities?

Lest you think I exaggerate, let me simply tell of what's been happening at a residence for senior citizens. There have been accusations that ANC members have been listing the names of other ANC members for them to receive vouchers. That's a pretty good way to divide people and to stoke up the animosity -  something that we've always been very skilled at in this country. It's also clearly unethical and, I would guess, illegal. The money does not belong to the ANC.

And yes, there are stories of chicanery involving our honourable councillors.

This very morning there was a long  queue of people anxious to have stamped proof of address documents. I suspect that some people did not even know what the queue was for but joined it because it was one more of the many queues we have grown to know and love.

There have been as many versions of how the entire initiative works as there have been people to tell them. That tells you that this is as good a cock-up as any that we have seen over the years. I could go on and on but let this suffice to give an idea of the witches' brew that this has become. Anger, anxiety, accusations are all part of it. So yes, if you want to transform an initiative into utter chaos, this is one way to do it.

This begs a few questions:

Why give a benefit so desperately needed by so many to only some?

If cost is an issue then why not find another way to benefit the many, many needy?

Why in South Africa would you open the door to more looting, nepotism and favouritism? While there are many competent, conscientious councillors in our country, it is common cause that far too many others excel only in dishonesty and incompetence. The voucher affair reminds me, perhaps unfairly, of the ANC penchant for tossing things out to the so-called masses. We are talking about T-shirts, braais and other goodies. Never miss an opportunity to strip people of their dignity.

In the classic Western movie,  The Magnificent Seven someone speaks of a man who took his clothes off and jumped into a cactus bush. When asked why he did it, he replied: "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Someone, somewhere in government, is probably, head in hands, saying the same thing. We have got to stop running with half-baked ideas that lead to more of the same as we've experienced down the years. Think things through.

Quoting a few lines from the cannibalized version of The Heart Will Go On ( https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-sinking-feeling.html ):

Once more you open a door 

It's an invite to loot even more 

You touch it one time

It's stuffed for a lifetime

And never will work anymore. 

ANC, wherever you are,

I believe that your kak will go on

And on

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The Trump and Zuma Fan Clubs

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people, on some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." Mencken

This cannot be true.  Yes, the corridors of power have in recent times been haunted by thieves,  frauds. blustering,  egotistical incompetents and others of the colourful tribe. But to fool some of the people all of the time, you have to be at least a level above moron grade. I don't believe that the voters are morons either. So the likes of Zuma, Lesufi, Malema and friends have supporters as faithful as cult members. There are those who don't doubt that the ANC, MK, the EFF and all the other fascinating movements will lead them, one distant day, to 'some vague Utopia'. 

We all make interesting choices. Some believe that Bafana are world beaters, despite the evidence of their eyes. Some of us believe that Manchester United will regain their former glory. There are even people who believe that the SABC, that shambles of incompetence and absence of imagination, is a real national broadcaster.

There are those who have goosebumps thinking about Trump making America great again - with some eccentric team choices. What is his vision of great? Lincoln was said to have once been berated by a lady for being conciliatory towards his former enemies. His response:

"Madam, when I make my enemies my friends, do I not defeat them?"

I suspect that beneath Trump's bluff, blustering, misogynistic, crockery-throwing exterior lurks a similarly wise, insightful person, just waiting to emerge. That probably applies also to our many promise-and-slogan-spouting statesmen. Their team has demonstrated over many long years that it hasn't the foggiest on how to Make South Africa Work Again (MSAWA).

It's exceedingly difficult to admit that one was wrong about one's team, no matter how pathetic it is. It's exceedingly difficult to admit that one was and is wrong.

So,  like the characters of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, we invent unending revolutions, demonic, almost mythical enemies, ethereal victories and successes. For Orwell's shadowy enemy-of-the-state, Goldstein, substitute one or more of the following:

Whites

White Monopoly Capital 

Clever Blacks 

Counter revolutioniaries 

Sellouts 

Racists...

The list is limited only by imagination. And unlike in the case of the SABC, there's plenty of that to go round. Our political discourse reads like a Stephen King / Dean Koontz / Robert Ludlum concoction. Spies, traitors, bloody agents, evil ones and even the malignant spirit of Jan van Riebeeck lurk wherever lurking may be done in this fair land. 

And so, our failures are covered, our addiction to corruption, our scarcely believable incompetence and our love of buffoonery in the face of disaster and suffering. And that makes it all peachy for the hordes of loyal supporters.

So it will continue as long as fans support the brand, regardless of performance where it matters, on the field.

That is probably what makes it possible to continue supporting the train wrecks that pass for politicians and political parties in this and other countries.

I don't think that being thoroughly deluded and deceived makes one a moron. A passionate, devoted fan, yes.

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MAGAman

Dear MAGAman

So delighted to hear from you via this courteous, thought-provoking tweet:

"No one gives a fuck , you can’t vote here. No one insisting through your sanctimonious 7 min video. What do you want ?"

You watched all seven minutes? Who says that people today have a short attention span?

I am deeply honoured that, although you don't give an f, you took the time from your important MAGA activities to respond. I know that MAGA people are renowned for their old world courtesy and profundity of thought. Your second sentence did leave me confused, but that's probably because I don't have the fine grasp of language and concepts that you MAGA people do. 

I'm also puzzled that my praise of Mister Trump's many fine qualities should have you in a lather. I do try to give credit where credit is due.

Nothing sanctimonious about me, mate. I would also not have turned down the opportunity of an exciting dalliance with a beautiful actress. Particularly if her beauty was combined with the talent of a Meryl Streep or  a Dame Judy Dench. There is something irresistibly attractive about actresses who have played memorable roles. I haven't seen any of her movies but have no doubt that she must have given spellbinding performances to have caught the attention of the Great One. I can understand how he felt moved to reward her with the gift of a few benjamins. Of course, I would have some trouble claiming.to stand for family values and the other good, wholesome stuff while smiling inwardly at the memory of a torrid romp or two between silk sheets.

I think that it's terrific that Mr Trump did not allow scandals and legal troubles to stand in the way of his representing law and order and good solid,  family values. What a patriot! I am so glad that he is not like the Brits, who would resign over something as silly as having a Guinness or two during Covid. 

I feel a great affinity to you MAGA people and Mister Trump. Your thinking and behavior seem to me to be so African. We also love to appoint people with, er,  interesting pasts to high office. Our former president had scandals hanging over him like a flock of albatrosses. He has also been facing dozens of charges for several years. He too,  has made a remarkable comeback and that gives hope to us all. Hope that we can also keep the mills of justice at bay for a few years. Hope that we, too,  can assume  high office one day, despite our little mistakes. And who has not made the odd mistake of dallying with brilliant actresses, being convicted of various felonies? Why, some of my best friends are serving lengthy prison sentences.

Incidentally , the  South African politician I speak of has been nicknamed S'boshwa, which I think means 'He Who Fights For Justice And Freedom'. Sounds so like your man, doesn't it.

You often make the point that Mister Trump is a brilliant businessman. Of that I have no doubt. Of course it takes a very special combination of chutzpah and brilliance to have declared bankruptcy several times, owe millions, and still be seen as a highly successful businessman. That is some serious business acumen. The more I talk of Mister Trump's achievements, the clearer it becomes to me that's there could be no one better suited to the presidency in the great United States of America.

Although you don't give an f, we certainly do. Because every time the great USA  sneezes, we wind up with mucus on our faces. So, good friend and comrade in the struggle for peace and prosperity,our fates are intertwined. There is no easy way to break off this relationship, certainly not via an sms or tweet. 

By the way , if you know of any actresses who would like to start a dalliance on this side of the globe , please let me know via tweet. As you will have gathered, like the Great One, I find actresses quite fascinating. We should replace the 'as the archbishop said to the actress' jokes with 'as the president elect said to the actress' jokes. Just as a sort of tribute to the Great Man.

Oh, answering your question: "What do you want?" Is this a three wishes,  genii-in-the-bottle sort of question? Many things: world peace, a few thousand dollars (could you let Elon know of my support and contribution to the MAGA cause?). Also a bunch of things too numerous to mention here. But we can talk more. I look forward to your next tweet. Or you could email me at my address below.

Yours in the struggle to make wise, considered, thoughtful voting choices.

Richard

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Supertrump

Dear Mr Trump 

Congratulations.

"Any American child can become president of the US", goes the slogan. You prove it true once more. Even a petulant, spoilt brat who throws tantrums and heedlessly destroys things can rise to that lofty peak.

I believe that you have talents and qualities that your detractors don't see. Fortunately the wise, thoughtful patriots do. 

You deal with problems decisively. Here's a random example plucked from my imagination:  lets say an unwise, torrid affair with, for example, a famous actress, came back to haunt your career, I bet you would know exactly how to make the problem go away. Of course, you would never get yourself into that position, ethical man that you are.

You really are a friend to the friendless. The world sees Kim Jong-un as a rocket loving, cruel despot of the worst kind.  It sees Vladimir as a cold  ruthless, power hungry megalomaniac. You alone see the hidden sterling qualities that lie within like buried treasure. Vladimir invades countries like an overgrown bully, while also bullying his own people into scared submission. Kim starves his people, keeping them in fearful servitude, while he plays with rockets. But we all make mistakes. You are mature and perceptive enough to understand that. You are wise enough to see that within each of these  gentlemen resides a kind, caring person struggling to get out. All that they need is love. And who better to supply it?

Truly  a man of compassion. I am sure that you have already forgiven all your foes and tormentors at home. I know that you would never stoop so low as to use your position to get back at them. There was that thing with Zelensky and the quid pro quo suggestion. But that's the past. As I said, we all make mistakes. Some are just a bit bigger than others.  Clearly you are not a man who bears grudges. I am sure that you have moved on from the days when you gave some advice on a leadership telecast to the effect that leaders should go after those who have wronged them. You're a president now. All grown up. And not of some shithole country but leader of the free, enlightened, civilized, democratic world. I'm confident that you can be relied on to do the right thing. Your record speaks for itself.

I read of at least 24 top ('A team') allies who made startling, damning statements about your character, competence and behaviour.  What the heck do they know? They only worked closely with you for a couple of years. There is no way that they could know you better than the great American voting public. And that public knows you as Supertrump, whizzing in and out of phone booths to take on America's problems, and take down traitors, lefties, communists and woke whack jobs.

 

You said that you would return America to  former glory.  And the world, too.

I know that you will have your hands full next week, deporting truck and bus loads of immigrants, putting a stop to inflation, lowering grocery prices and taxes, stopping wars, dealing with traitors within, healing the sick...sorry, got a bit carried away. But who wouldn't be, after 30 minutes of brilliant rhetoric delivered in those dulcet tones?

Anyway, would you be able to fit our country in the week after that. We could do with some restoring to former glory. Or any glory at all. 

Not only have you made a remarkable comeback but you have also given new hope to a group of people long shunned and despised - convicted felons. Yes they can.

Yours in the struggle for former greatness and former glory.

Richard

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Trumpocracy

 Dear Mr Trump 

It's utterly ridiculous that some people, (probably sick, radical, left lunatics), compare you to Hitler. You are taller, shave regularly and, as far as I know,  don't speak German. You have also never expressed a desire for a road trip to Poland in a tank - or even a garbage truck.

You would be my automatic choice for president if I were an American voter or an illegal immigrant who'd managed to circumvent whatever safeguards are in place.

I know that sounds unlikely, but you've pointed out that the Democratic party machinery is a nest of treacherous, treasonous vipers. Anything can happen. There could even be, heaven forbid, a storming of the Capitol. But I'm sure that, with you on the presidential podium, that sort of attack on democracy would not be tolerated. A thought: now that the treacherous Democrats have soiled and sullied the very name of democracy, should we not call it something ele? 'Trumpocracy' has quite a nice ring to it.

This is not merely an emotional response to your oratory, mesmerizing though it is. I have, like so many of your thoughtful, analytical supporters, carefully considered your utterances and your impeccable track record. I set my reasoning forth for the discerning reader to dissect and come to a reasoned conclusion.

1. Your unequalled skills in international  diplomacy. 

That you would stop the Ukraine war in a day has never been in doubt for me. With a little help from your friends, Vladimir and Kim Jong, both of whom are surely unfairly overlooked candidates for the Nobel Peace prize,  It would be a walk in the car park. It might take you two days, or at most a week, to stop the conflict in the Middle East but stop it you would.  Anyway, that's a much shorter time than our own ANC government would take to have a meeting to arrange further meetings. I see a grateful world acknowledging your leadership, as you extinguish similar fires in various parts of the globe. Sir,  Sudan needs you.

2. Your undisputed leadership skills. 

Who can forget how you despatched unworthy candidates on your 'The Apprentice' show with the immortal phrase 'you are fired'. The record breaking turnover of 'A team' staff during your tenure testifies that you fearlessly continued along that path. Who does not admire a decisive, butt-kicking leader? Apart, of course, from those whose butts are being kicked.

3. Your attention to detail. 

The world would never have known of the macabre dietary habits of Illegal immigrants, involving such ingredients as cat and dog, were it not for your eagle eye and ear to the ground. Is it true that there are many ways to skin a cat? The slitting of the throats of innocent citizens at midnight by nocturnal, illegal immigrants would also have gone unnoticed, were it not for you. I am sure that there is great rejoicing in the land by cat and dog owners. 

4. Your muscular use of language. 

There is no beating around the bush with you. 

You call a whack job a whack job. So refreshing. One looks forward to more of the same as you excoriate the nutters, lefties, communists whack jobs and others who threaten the great American way of life and the right to life, liberty and the wholesome pursuit of happiness. Plus the right to bear automatic rifles.

5. Your common touch.

Who can forget your ride in the garbage truck, so pregnant with symbolism? A friend showed me pictures of you entering and leaving the truck. 'Garbage in, garbage out' was his cryptic comment. I was annoyed and, quoting some of your best work, called him a radical whack job. I look forward to your riding what we euphamistically call a honey sucker truck. This to underline your contempt for those pathetic states that you designated as shithole countries. 

6. Your coolness under fire.

When the assault on the Capitol took place, did you run around in a panic, as lesser leaders would? No, you calmly watched it on TV, according to various sources. After all, you had suggested a peaceful, patriotic march and these things do happen. No sense in going off half-cocked when you can watch it all on TV.  I trust that you had a Bud Light or two and a bowl of peanuts. There were malicious reports about the grabbing of a steering wheel and the destruction of crockery, but those probably came from loony lefties with nothing better to offer. Sir, which hand would we want on the trigger should nuclear war threaten other than your firm, steady, crockery-throwing hand?

Who would not welcome a leader with these qualities to spearhead the battle for democracy in a dangerous world?

Your top South African supporter (second only to Elon) in the struggle for wise, sane, cool-headed leadership.

Richard 

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Dear Mr Trump

Dear Mr Trump

I heard that you made allegations about illegal immigrants slitting people's throats at midnight.  

Sir, that is utterly ridiculous, absurd. Everyone knows that the best time to slit throats is 2 am. 

Nonetheless, you are certainly making America great again. No droning on about the economy, foreign affairs, (your own affairs far more exciting), or civil rights. I really like your intriguing stories about a cat or dog in every pot. Sir, have you checked that people are not disappearing as well? 'Eating into your support base' may take on a sinister, new meaning.

Your characterization of various states as 'shithole countries' is spot on. Corruption, buffoonery, incompetence, egotistical leadership, attacks on the Capitol  - what could be more lavatorial? The bathroom metaphor was but one example of your poetic talent. Who can forget your: "We will rain down hellfire on you such as you have never seen"? Such luminous imagery. You are indeed a worthy successor to such masterful orators as Churchill, John F Kennedy and Dr Martin Luther King Jr. 

That somewhat aggressive utterance notwithstanding, you really are, at heart, a people's person. People such as Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin - as fine specimens of the noblest and best of humanity as can be found anywhere.

I also like your "Yes, I can" approach to....everything. You would have, by your own account, stopped the war in Ukraine in a day. What could you not achieve in a month? If, (heaven forbid), you are again done out of an election victory, you could consider heading up the United Nations. I bet that would put an end to the long-winded, useless, pointless bickering. And they would all pay their dues. The only remaining challenge would be what to do with your prodigious talents once you'd achieved (inevitable) world peace, prosperity and other nice stuff.

Perhaps, like our Mr Zuma, you could lead the charge in the attack on declining moral standards. 

Yours in the struggle for strong, democratic,  Republican leadership.

Richard 

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The Importance of Being a Victim

 Dear Honourable Dudu 

Thank you. Your wonderful tweet about not being able to speak isiZulu because of Apartheid was typical of the sort of South African satire that writes itself. You called yourself a victim of  Apartheid,  poor dear.

I gave that some thought -  after a  hearty laugh. Your  plaintive cry exemplifies so much of what is wrong in our political landscape and in our  parliament.

You see, dear Honourable Dudu, although I am not a psychologist, I do know that it is almost impossible for those dedicated to victimhood to move on.  It's incredibly difficult to even conceive of doing something positive, innovative, imaginative while victimhood and self-pity cling to you like Durban humidity. 

In the mire of victimhood, there's no room for the needs and difficulties of other people, let alone a country.  But take comfort, you are not alone. I see many of your fellow victims in Parliament,  whose sole contribution seems to be hurling invective and insults, complaining, demanding 'justice' and reparations. (Perhaps read 'revenge' for 'justice').

Dear victims, that is not going to happen. You will cry to the heavens and beat your breasts until, in the words of the great Mr Zuma, Jesus returns. This is because the world and life move on. If reparations were paid for all past wrongs, we would have to crawl a hell of a long way back into history. I notice that you tend to omit the Khoi and San peoples and that's not so far back. A small oversight, perhaps?

Life and opportunity tend to pass you by when  you waste them on cursing and blaming all those that you imagine to be responsible for the moist puddle that you are. You folk remind me of a child, weeping bitterly over a broken toy or a broken adult. promise. So hard to see beyond the immediate disappointment. It seems utterly devastating.

I do hope that you and the comrades grow out of this. But the chances are as close to zero as the temperatures in the coldest parts of the country. You are at the age where you should have outgrown such childish things, so this does not auger well for  future change.  Unfortunately, your many strange, often foolish, often malicious utterings on social media also don't hold out much promise for your growth and maturity. 

The taxpayer doles out a large percentage of salary to keep you in bouts of self-pity and unrighteous indignation.  That's the tragedy of politics in this country. I think that even your perception of your role in politics is coloured, or discoloured by the small, narrow world view of the professional victim. What  can you see through your childish tears and snot, beyond the  broken toys?

It's ironic that you even fail to see how privileged you are. Daughter of a regional demigod-politician, with nothing to recommend her for the role,  parachuted into Parliament as a privileged MP.  Dear Honourable Dudu, it doesn't get better than this.  I doubt that your weeping and gnashing of teeth get in the way of enjoying MP privilege.  Accommodation, free flights, cars, generators to bypass loadshedding 

 and every other comfort that the pampered politician has. In this benighted country,  many would sell a kidney for just a fraction of that privilege. 

Of course, there's the strong possibility that the tears of our victims are of the crocodile variety. That the blame and self-pity game is exactly that - a game played with consummate skill between shopping for Luis Vuitton products and other staples essential to the victim / comrade  / revolutionary lifestyle.

This is not an appeal to your reason, conscience or common sense, none of 

which have shone forth particularly brightly.

 So in the words of Simon and Garfunkel: 

Sail on silver girl 

Sail on by 

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on the way. 

And the rest of South Africa tosses and turns through nightmare. 

I suspect that your period of sailing on will not last long, built as it is on the flimsiest of foundations. Enjoy it while it lasts. 

Yours in the struggle to find the mystical balance between victimhood and privilege.

Richard

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Apartheid in the Air

 

“I am sorry, I can't speak isiZulu I am a victim of Apartheid so this is one of the things that happens we don't get to grow up in South Africa and learn our Mother tongue but I'm trying I'm learning” Duduzile Zuma Sambudla-Zuma"

Dear Ms Sambudla-Zuma 

I wholly empathize. 

I could have been a brain surgeon had it not been for Apartheid. Laziness might have played a small part but that's also because of Apartheid. I suppose that I could have worked harder at the science subjects at school but let's not split hairs. As the song, 'That's Apartheid', says:

"When the stuff hits the fan, 

Guess who'll carry the can,

It's Apartheid...."

Perhaps it's not altogether a bad thing, as there's not much demand for brain surgery in South Africa. Judging by the actions and utterances of many South African public figures and their numerous groupies, many, many brains are as good as new - unused. But then again, I could have been a brilliant legal eagle like Mr Dali Mpofu, who would have been knocking them out of the park, were it not for Roman Dutch law. And the judiciary. And, of course, Apartheid.

It's hard work thinking critically, taking responsibility and being honest with oneself. I'm so glad that there's Apartheid to fall back on. It just makes life so simple. That does remind me of another song (tune of 'Love is all Around me'):

I feel it in my fingers 

I feel it in my toes 

Apartheid all around me

And so the feeling goes

Ooh, it's blowing in the wind

It's everywhere I go 

You break your promise to me 

And I break mine to you

Apartheid is the reason

There's nothing I can do 

Your fellow  Zuma praise singer, Prof Moyo,  frequently voids his bow..., pardon, brainwaves, on X. Here's a recent offering:

"President Zuma is truly admirable for his ability to forgive, often extending grace even before it's requested. His daily life echoes the teachings of Jesus, as exemplified in the words: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

President Zuma supported Drip and even after the owner wished him assassination. The President of the people is now working with politicians who insulted him, he simply moved past propaganda. The ethical President Zuma will even give hugs to those who wrote rubbish about him. He sees the bigger picture: It’s about the emancipation of the people and not himself. What kind of a man is this? Indeed Gods greatest gift to SA."

Only true leaders move past slander and hate, focusing instead on unity, progress, and building a future that benefits everyone."

It was an epic struggle to read the entire masterpiece. So hard to concentrate when each line has one howling with disbelieving laughter.

One thing that Apartheid has not succeeded in is to diminish our South African talent for:

1. Talking kak

2. Gleefully inhaling every particle of kak spoken by our heroes

3. Zealously regurgitating said particles of dessicated kak

I am grateful to you, Honourable Daughter, Mr Lesufi and others, who relentlessly hunt down Apartheid in the dark alleyways in which he lurks. Your efforts remind me of the work of Simon Wiesenthal, nazi hunter. I am confident that we will reap the fruits of your heroic labours as crime, homelessness and unemployment become a bad memory because of your work. And the repo rate does whatever is best for the people.

Yours in the unrelenting struggle against Apartheid.

Richard 

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Zumasm

A tweet from the Honourable Daughter:

Let Me Go To uMkhonto Wesizwe Church Of Political Ideology Where We Learn About ZUMASM And Where We Sing Our National Anthem, THINA SIZWE And MHLA SIBUYAYO ✊🏾!!!

President Zuma WILL Live Forever!!!

Dear Honourable Dudu 

I don't know why you felt the need.

to share  with us that you are off on yet another pointless and doubtless crushingly boring little adventure. But your mind does seem to work in mysterious ways if one judges by you many exceedingly strange and increasingly bizarre contributions on X.

I hate to be the one to tell you this. You've heard of the inevitability of death and taxes? While your honoured father might be able to extricate himself from the coils of the latter, there is no doubt whatsoever that the former will have him shuffling off his mortal coil like the rest of us.

If you are learning about zumasm at your church then I should think that both the sermons and the entire series will be short in the extreme. Probably something like:

Lesson 1. Bring me my machine gun. 

Lesson 2. Down with Roman Dutch law.

Lesson 3.  Down with Ramaphosa's ANC.

 Lesson 4.  Down with Abelungu.

 

Lesson 5.  Sound financial management the Zuma way.

Listen 6. Romance, love and the age gap

What are you guys going to do with the rest of the year? Oh you did mention a new national anthem. That should gobble up another Sunday or two.

History has taught us that when the theology, strategy and dogma all centre around one person, there's a very good chance that what we have is a jolly cult.  If that one person has already been thoroughly  discredited, that does make the cult all the more interesting. Also somewhat fragile.

It was probably your eloquence, razor-sharp wit and  keen intellect, (all displayed in the tweet above), that had your party despatching you post-haste to parliament. Yes, we are delighted to see "the best minds of our generation" at work in our legislature. The quality of insults and non-verbal, tactile interaction must surely reach new heights -  or depths. The quality of debate  - that's a different matter. I see the poor, the unemployed, the homeless, uplifted as you sink your teeth into the repo rate and other challenges of our time. We see you Honourable Daughter.

Yours in the struggle to bring sanity, reason and pragmatism into our political milieu.

Richard 

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Durban: Place of Great Burning

Like many of you, I reluctantly left  the warm embrace of Durban's humidity some years ago. I returned recently to find the city much changed. Looking for West Street, I walked up and down Dr Pixley ka Seme street for hours. Then I remembered that we have discarded such relics of colonialism as the English names for the four compass points. And of course we are currently freeing ourselves from the equally cloying embrace of the  neo-colonialist West. Our new comrades may not offer as much trade as the old, but they do offer good vodka, warm comradeship and other important intangibles, vital for life, liberty and the pursuit of elusive happiness.

I wandered into Point Road (now Mahatma Gandhi Road). Once known as a hub for entertainment and cultural exchanges with foreign sailors, Point Road has apparently cleaned up its act. I was, therefore,  shocked to see a sign brazenly advertising Butt Traders. ""Yoh!", I said to myself, which is South African for "Golly!". It turned out that Butt is a surname. I was hugely disapp....,I mean, relieved. My virtue, which I prize as highly as some prize tenders for road name changes, was safe.

Right outside Durban's department of public works building, the paving stones had rebelled against whatever held them down.  They stuck out at interesting, sharp angles, allowing only one person at a time to use the walkway - at own risk. A decaying building next door seemed held together only by the danger tape around it. I wondered how long it had been so.  Probably only a year or two, going on the sterling record of our guardians of the city. Within the public works building, many voices were raised in loud, joyous song. Probably celebrating successes in the battle against raised paving stones and decaying buildings. They sang with the same gusto and bravura that surely must be applied to repairing our ravaged infrastructure. The song seemed to be made up of the same few words sung over and over. All of this was was so quintessentially South Africa today. My heart swelled with patriotic and provincial pride. I couldn't make out the words of the song, but the malady lingers on.

There is an upside to Durban's sad, neglected appearance. Tourists love historical ruins. Durban has got the ruins part right.

Durban people need to stop complaining about elected officials. It's hard to balance looting and other duties. Looting requires far more effort and inventiveness than the dull, soul destroying business of running a metro efficiently. One can understand how the artistic souls of our best are engaged, transfix̌ed, captured.  Was ever a muse so fair as money? Water, electricity, services - these things are ephemeral but the monuments to looting, like all great art, live on forever. Well, at least a hell of a long time.

To celebrate the national sport of looting, here's borrowing from well-known literature:

Fragments from the Misiderata (apologies to Max Ehrmann):

Go stealthily amid the noise and the haste, and remember what joy there may be in looting . As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all victims......

Avoid honest and ethical persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare your loot with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser looters than yourself.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the kleptoverse no less than the thieves and the tsotsis; you have a right to be here...

Fragments from If - The Looters' Version (apologies to the Kipling bloke):

If you can keep your loot when all about you   

 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust the Cause when all men doubt it,....

If you can talk with crowds and know your slogans,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the sticky touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Simply because you know too much....

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of looting done,   

Yours is this land and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a party Man, my son!

I encourage you to visit the great coastal city of Durban. Some useful information:

Relief from heat and cloying humidity comes from cool ocean breezes scented with the  exotic perfume of Durban's finest zol (marijuana). It was this heady mix that had NDZ exclaim in poetic rapture on the mysteries of zol and saliva.

The people of Durban and KZN are renowned for their political astuteness, farsightedness and loyalty to the chess loving Mr Bojangles of KZN politics (Lord, that man could dance!). They are also very fair-minded and tend to give discredited politicians many opportunities to discredit themselves further. During the last municipal elections, a mayor, who had not covered himself in glory during the looting and other jolly stuff that took place in 2021, was speedily re-elected.  Ms Gumede, of solid waste tender fame, who some said had covered herself in….. something else, also took her rightful place. “KZN is f&*^%d”, wrote an angry, disgusted resident. Durban people can be so melodramatic. That’s going too far. Buggered, yes. 

Spirituality is also important to the people of KZN. Not all that long ago, our pious ANC comrades proposed a ceremony to cleanse KZN of bad spirits from the Anglo-Boer war, who are supposedly behind the violence and murders in the province. During KZN's many wars, scuffles and tussles, people of all hues stabbed, shot and generally donnered one another. But it just had to be the white spirits still stirring it up, didn't it? Can't take these white folks anywhere. One of my many uncouth friends suggested that a quite different sort of white spirit led to this proposal. 

In 2021 Durban literally became The Place of Great Burning, during the troubles. This was when His Former Excellency was offered state accommodation in Estcourt, no passing ‘Begin’, no collecting R200. 

Imagine this, thirty years later:

A grandfather regales his grandchildren with tales of that struggle. Driven by hunger and revolutionary fervour, he acquired a large screen TV set (which still takes pride of place in the lounge) and was able to assuage his hunger with large helpings of MasterChef Australia. The grandchildren are enchanted by the tales of derring do. 

"Yes, my children." With a grand sweep of his arm, Grandpa takes in the scenery outside. Burnt trucks litter the verges of the roads, blackened skeletons of buildings dot the green countryside.

"And one day, all this will be yours."

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Service With a Sneer

Capitec has not the faintest idea of the meaning of that mysterious word, 'service'.

I have had several interesting experiences with Capitec.  This may well count as the most fascinating. I bought a voucher on their banking app that turned out to be invalid.  I called the Capitic customer care line, and that was when the fun began, proving that those two 'c' words are not in the organization's lexicon. 

 I should have known, from the very first response, that this was going to be a dizzy merry-go-round ride.

"The voucher vendor is not Capitec, sir. They are a separate business."

A quick Pontious Pilate like washing of the hands. 

It got better. Capitec's answering service Is like a maze with no beginning and no end. I had a wonderful array of meaningless  choices. One of them ('Press 4 for questions about an existing enquiry')  always resulted in the call terminating rather abruptly. 

I went from the useless answering service to an even more useless (if such is  possible)  Whatsapp service.

It didn't matter what choice I made.I always landed up with someone who would tell me that I was at the wrong department and then transfer me. This resulted in my telling the same dreary story about fifty times.

Promises to call back were never kept. It was like dealing with the ANC. It took about three weeks to resolve a problem that any business worthy of the name would have been keen to resolve immediately, as it lay at their door, regardless of who the voucher vendor was.  In South Africa, the buck never stops. Urgency or a sense of responsibility are clearly beyond most of our businesses. As in our political milieu.

Had Capitec brought together their best minds in order to devise ways to completely frustrate the customer,  they could not have done better. And this is our number one bank?

The SABC, of course, never misses a promising opportunity to disappoint or stuff up royally. They confidently announced that the Currie Cup final would be shown at four p m.  What was actually on at the promised time was the worst movie I have ever had the misfortune to see. I pressed the 'information' button on the remote. The result told me that I was insane and yes, it was indeed the Currie Cup final that I was mistaking for an exquisitely bad movie.

So nobody monitors? Just flick the switch and go on to more interesting things than the job? This was not the first time. One of the few series I could stomach  on SABC was JAG. One day, no warning given, JAG was not on  at the allotted time.  The series was back the  next week but a previous episode  repeated. It seems to me that nobody at the SABC monitors what is actually happening? That would also explain the many misspelt and grammatically incorrect captions that often lie unmolested at the bottom of the screen.

There is a home for senior citizens in the city, with a wonderful set of value statements  right at the entrance. Here's what I have observed. The staff are, like many of our politicians, pretty much invisible most of the time. They can barely greet and seem to be at pains to avoid the people they serve. At a meeting that I missed, one of them had a physical altercation with a resident and received a resounding klap for his troubles.  The resident was evicted. Another resident told me that a few days later, the klapped one called him an Instigator  and commented that he would be the next to be evicted. Why instigator  I asked. Because he had asked  a question not to the gentleman's liking. What? Is this communist China? Guys this is not Game of Thrones and you are not  untouchable royalty. Thus far, I have seen little evidence of those wonderful values actually being lived out. Perhaps I'm being overly cynical and critical but this looks much more to me like a Home Affairs type setup. 

"Don't disturb me. Let me do my paperwork, have my tea and collect my pay."

Of course, let's not forget that our government has led the way in living out culture and values. It's noteworthy how many organizations are faithful in emulating them. Some lessons that many South African organizations have learned from government are:

1. Appoint the most ill-suited  people you can find. If they have no stomach or aptitude for the responsibilities, so much the better. it's about paycheck, not  contribution 

2. Have no supervision or leadership worthy of the name

3. Make sure that there are no consequences for poor or non-performance (except salary, of course).

4. Show total disrespect for the people you are supposed to serve. Give them the great South African service finger.

South Africa is now indeed a wanker's paradise.

And genuine service that requires a soul? Come now, you're not really asking that, are you?

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So What’s Gnu?

It's been a month for congratulations and condolences. 

An ANC person, somewhat plaintively, commented that the DA ministers in the GNU have been showing up their ANC comrades... no, counterparts; we're not at the comrade stage yet. Not a terribly difficult thing to do.  Anybody can outrun a lame duck. (That's just a local proverb. I would never say that the ANC are lame ducks. That would be insulting  - to ducks).

Like many of my comrades in red, green and other flamboyant hues, I want to alert my fellow South Africans to the mortal danger that the DA poses to our democracy. They haven't come up with anything to rival 'umShini Wam' or 'Kill the Boer'.  Their dancing is embarrassing. Nothing jaw-dropping has ever come from the DA. Who was it came up with smallanyana skeletons, the discovery of hazenile (a Wakanda-like mineral), carrying medicine by head? Not the DA. They are deadly dull. How could they possibly dream that they can govern South Africa, land of Generations, Durban Gen, umKhonto...Given the opportunity, they will turn us into a colourless, humourless nation like the Swedes or the Germans.

Dear Floyd, congratulations on your  move to MK. MK's loss, EFF's gain  ... sorry, should that be the other way? From Malema to Zuma is surely a step up. Ok, it's a step. You cannot be forever in the shadow of the CIC, great, wise statesman though he is. At least now you will be in the shadow of the Honourable Daughter. And Daddy. I am sure that you will fit right in.  What that bunch of colourful former judges, politicians and repo rate experts needs is a dose of superior logic and banking expertise.  

You said that your departure is not a sign of distrust in the EFF but a revolutionary gesture that will unite progressive forces behind an agenda to work for progressive and revolutionary change. I used a similar argument after being fired from my last company. And yes, it doesn't get more progressive and revolutionary than the motley crew led by the chess grandmaster.

'I am sure that Floyd Shivambu will add great value to the MK party - he is ideologically profound - so too is Julius Malema,' gushed a loyal MK / EFF supporter.

Yes, regurgitating  chunks of  doggerel (of African origin, surely) does tax the brain cells. And look what a difference that has made to the poor and to the huddled masses yearning to be free.

Condolences to Mr Malema. A tragic loss. I can empathize. We recently lost the treasurer of our social club. An almost insupportable loss,  as he left with the club funds (allegedly spotted shopping at Louis Vuitton). Mr Malema, I am willing to fill the gap. I have a good line in insults. While I draw the line at throttling journalists, I'm happy to wag the odd forefinger and toss out inventive threats. I am flexible almost to the point of flip-flopping. A great fit, yes? A quick study, I have already boned up on creative border crossing and dialectical materialism. I just won't do ice. 

You reportedly said that it was as difficult as losing a mother. A friend once called Floyd a 'mother' (meant as a compliment, I think).

Congratulations to Al Jama - ah for going the extra mile or two to the church of air-walking spiritual jedi, Bushiri, for a prophecy on poll performance. Asked why he would visit a fugitive from South African justice, party leader, Ganief Hendricks, told a TV interviewer that he had never been to Malawi before. He took the  opportunity to visit. Sounds reasonable to me. As a responsible, ethical politician, carrying the hopes of hundreds of voters, I'd also take the opportunity to go, say, to Dubai, for a prophecy from the Guptas. Still, those leaders needn't have gone all the way to Malawi for a prophecy on poll performance. I could have told them that it wouldn't be lekker.

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Protecting the CIC

Dear EFF Comrades

I value the wonderful exchanges that we've had on TikTok and YouTube. Almost as much as your Great Leaders value quality garments and accessories.

I'm very moved by how sensitive you are. You protect your CIC with the same passion as those honourable members who once vowed to protect Zuma with their backsides. Touching stuff - really. I suppose that gives a whole new meaning to 'rear guard'.

TikTok expressed some concern about the 'aggressive' and in their own words, 'bullying' responses to some of my videos... They suggested ways that I could cut you off. Now why would I want to do that? Your responses are most entertaining -  unimaginative, somewhat pathetic - but entertaining still. I hope that you like that I 'like' all your responses. 

Someone suggested that he could set up a debate for me with Mr Malema. Who am I to debate with Mr Malema? He is, after all, the great commander-in-chief of ground forces as numerous as the sands of the polluted Durban sea. We witnessed how they almost swept him into power. I am just an ordinary South African citizen. Even that is in doubt, according to EFF theology. My grandfather was German and my grandmother South African. I suspect that your dogma would be that I should go back to Germany. I have never been there, so I suppose I can't really go back. But I do get your drift. Perhaps I'll find a creative way to get there. Suggestions welcome. I'm not overly fond of sausages and beer. On the other hand, we South Africans are very adaptable and I suppose I could get used to it. After all,  over the years, we've got used to pathetic debates, absolute rubbish for political discourse, dismal leadership, galloping 

 corruption and everything else that makes South Africa a truly great country to live in. I might as well have a debate with Donald Trump or the school bully. 

It's fascinating that those who dole out insults like VBS handouts find it so heart- wrenching to take a jab or two in return. But hey, I understand.  Don't touch the C.I.C. It's like mucking about with a high priest or even whatever god it is that he serves.

I would also be protective of a great leader who holds in his mighty hands the promise of free Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana, and land. 

Yes, I can see you guys in power. No.

Nonsense with you -  all action. Moer anyone who gets in the way of dialectical materialism, CIC worship, or any of the however many pillars that you have. I can see the quality of debate and political discourse in the land soaring heavenward.

I suspect that many of you would like me to stop writing about the CIC. Call it a hunch. How can I, when I grow with every flip flop and insult that he scatters abroad? Long long live the CIC and may he and you continue to provide me with the wonderful material that I so appreciate.. See you on Tiktok  and on YouTube, my dear Comrades.

Yours in the struggle to protect Great Leaders.

Richard 

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Glorious, Glorious MK

 This from one of our MK intellectuals:

'Breaking: The highly ethical and fastest-growing political Party in Africa, uMkhonto WeSizwe, under the magnificent leadership of His Excellency President Jacob Zuma, will not be attending parliament tomorrow to legitimize the unholy marriage between Ramaphosa's ANC and the Racist DA.

Rooted in a deep respect for the constitution and its citizens, the ethical MK party has firmly rejected the biased dismissal of the rigged elections by the IEC and Zondo. 

The glorious MK party hold 58 seats in parliament based on the rigged results, effectively without MK party's presence in parliament, the constitutional requirement of a minimum of 350 members is not met, rendering any parliamentary proceedings illegal under section 46 of the constitution. 

His Excellency President Zuma will soon address the nation to chart a path forward. The sole mission of the MK party is to rescue South Africa from the impending disaster of the ANC and DA's marriage from hell.

The exceptional tactician of our time, Dr Jacob Zuma, continues to lead from front. The Mk Party is not in this for self interest, parliament salary and so on, it is about rescuing our land and the dignity of all South Africans.'

And:

'You’d think you are having a nightmare when reading some of the rubbish from Thumaminamedia journalist. 

The propaganda machine is on full speed. 😅🚮🚮🚮

The Moses of today, His Excellency President Jacob Zuma. Under divine leadership,  President Zuma continues to fight enemies here and abroad for the economic freedom of ordinary South Africans. We know the West want SA out of BRICS, God and our ancestors have summoned Dr Zuma back from retirement to rescue SA. More strength to the founder of African BRICS, as we “Watch and Pray”; we continue to curse the rigged doomsday marriage of ANC and racist....'

Dear Prof Moya

Thank you for putting things into perspective.

Yes, I must say that whenever I need to look to examples of ethical and moral behaviour, there is but one direction in which to look, MK and its ethical leadership. John Maxwell once said that no organization can rise above its leader. If the leader is rated, say, five, the organization cannot be more than four. That must put MK up there in the firmament, among the stars.

I think with great gratitude of the many lessons in morality and ethics that I have learned from your great leader. The ones that mean the most to me are the following:

Never impregnate the daughter of a friend or a woman young enough to be your granddaughter.

When you are surrounded by more scandals than you've had breakfasts in your entire lifetime, it is time to step down quietly for the sake of the office and the country

When you are accused of unethical behaviour or transgression of the law, go to court soonest and face your accusers. Clear your great name. Do not drag out the case for years. That casts a shadow on your  reputation for integrity and morality. Of course,  that is barring continuous bouts of ill health and the presence of hostile malicious prosecutors. 

We all know of the great respect in which your leader holds the constitution and the judiciary. It's just Roman Dutch law that is a problem. I seem to recall that the constitutional court once ruled that the Great One had violated his oath of office, not upholding and defending the constitution. But let's not make much of little things, the way that the cunning WMC and Stratcom do.

I was on the point of voting for the DA. I read your beautifully constructed, objective, academically sound, adjective-rich argument above.  I then realized that the

 machiavellian DA have been pretending all along to provide good service and clean government, while harbouring in their serpent's bosoms, the deep and evil desire to bring back apartheid, colonialism and, for all we know, the feudal system. I promptly changed my vote to one for that ethical, glorious party, spearheaded by the ethical Chessmaster.  I had hope that we would sweep KZN and the country. Alas, by some trickery, witchcraft or all of the above, even the chess grandmaster was check mated by the forces of evil 

Nonetheless we shall fight on, with the great nine years as our inspiration. We shall trample down the repo rate and everything that stands in the way of the revolution

of ethical, moral government for the people, by the people.

Why should his Excellent Self legitimize that unholy marriage between the DA and the ANC?  It would be equivalent to encouraging sexual congress between older men (who should know better) and women of daughter  / granddaughter age.

Indeed, I fear that this new wildebeest government is but the first step in the thousand mile return journey to apartheid  and other abominable stuff.

I wait with bated breath for the Excellent One to address the nation on the way forward and the rescue plan to save us from the dark desires and intentions of the wildebeest conspirators. Our faith is in that excellent tactician and chess grandmaster. We have already seen the success of the parliamentary stay away gambit. And surely there is much more to come. After all, as you said, the higher powers would never have called a Great One out of retirement for nothing. Or just to sing the machine gun song, lovely and poignant though it is. I am sure that he has heard the voice from the burning bush, or burning factory or school. 

And he has responded as a Chosen One should. 

Yes, I too spit on that rigged doomsday marriage, as I would spit on sending rogues and buffoons to parliament, dodging the law, being willing to burn a country down for greed and ego, monstrous lies and self-delusion. I just mention those. In passing.

Thank goodness for the glorious, excellent, ethical, constitution-hugging, almost-sainted MK and its magnificent leader, in whom all these qualities are multiplied many times. 

Of course, I'm delighted to see that so many of your MPs are of unimpeachable character and reputation. Terrible if you had disgraced former judges and assorted dodgy characters in your ranks.

Yours in the struggle for excellent, ethical government and leadership.

Richard 

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Moonwalking Malema

Dear Mr Malema 

I've always maintained that you are a great, misunderstood entertainer. I'm so glad that you have cleared that up. Too many people take you for a serious politician and some misguided souls even think that you are a statesman.

Your Michael Jackson allusion is remarkably on song.

Your have entertained us royally with your moonwalking, flip-flopping and shuffling.

Like Michael, your crotch grabbing (you told parliamentarians that you have them by the scrotum), shrieks and yelps, have kept us entranced.

“I'm not a regional leader. I'm international. I can walk into any country, you'll think Michael Jackson, the showstopper has arrived in the whole continent. So, you're telling me about Limpopo, what, what. What's that you want to reduce me to (Mogoboya Nelson) Ramodike and (King Patrick Ramaano) Mphephu,” he said. (Daily Sun)

People of Limpopo and Gauteng will be pleased to know that you don't care about them.   Of course, you meant that you care about South Africa as a whole, but those with white tendencies  and with nonsense in their pants (to quote one of your more profound utterances), will seize on that and blow it right out of context. Just as they did when you reportedly said that you would kill for Zuma. Meaning, of course, that you would die for him. Any sensible person would have made that deduction. I often use those words interchangeably myself. So do many other people. They are, after all, so similar in pronunciation and meaning.

As a matter of interest, would you still, in the words of the love song, catch a grenade for him? Or just stick to having Earl Grey and Romany Creams with him?

I read about these continent-shaking revelations in the Daily Sun. As they have been hunting zombies and tokoloshes with untiring zeal for many years, I find their reporting very credible. I am satisfied that there could be no bloody agent influences here.

With voting done and you perhaps left with not too much to do, it could well be the time to kick off that African dance tour. Followed, naturally, by a world tour. Your adoring fans must be in a fever of impatience and expectation. 

I am ready to assist (at discounted tender rates) and will be delighted to see the back of you. I mean, of course, as you moonwalk off into the African dusk. That's all I mean.

I suggest that you kick off with 'Black or White'.

Yours in the struggle for quality entertainment.

Richard 

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Whereto, Commonsense?

Have we South Africans totally lost our grip on reality?

A fellow who styles himself 'engineer' had this to say, following halfway-mark vote counting:

"The first order of business should be to change the National Anthem. Take out Die Stem and leave the original version. If you can't change the National Anthem, then forget about the land and NHI."

As an engineer, you would know that this critical initiative will have water and electricity flowing again to households, crime levels falling dramatically, the economy reviving, corruption smashed. 

One of my very rude friends responded as follows:

"Kak, man, if you are an adult with at least one brain cell working, you will know that the first order of business is to restore order and commonsense and get things working again in this country. Have you been drinking? Smoking ganja? Or are you always like this? Thank heavens you're not responsible for energy supply, or anything that requires the use of logic. I'm not talking about EFF-style superior logic. Just the sort of stuff my four year old grandson applies to daily life."

I, of course, rebuked him, pointing out that he ought to show some respect for our intellectuals. Where would we be without them?

An ANC worthy commented:

"We are quite confident of the work we've done over 30 years...."

"Yes",  chimed in the rude one. "Few can boast of your diligence and dedication in the fields of corruption, incompetence and buffoonery.  And, of course, your ingenious explanations, excuses and rationalizations of your dismal failures and betrayals would have George Orwell licking his lips".

Can't take this bugger anywhere.

Dear politicians, we know that this is a stressful time. You may be watching your six figure incomes, free cars, free houses and other goodies slipping away. but please keep off the grass, stay off the jungle juice, before making comments that would embarrass the class dunce. Or at least until you have something sensible to say.

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