Dear Mr Trump
I am indignant, nay, angry, horrified, incandescent with rage at the alleged meddling of your CIA in our sovereign affairs.. In short I'm rather pissed off.
The first hint of this alleged meddling... no, actually, as Paul Simon sang: 'all along there were incidents and accidents, hints and allegations'.
One of the more recent indications that your fellows in dark suits have been at work in the Beloved Country was the accusation by Dr Ace Magashule that the CIA has been meddling in his political career.
I scoffed at Dr Ace, thinking that he was using a 'the CIA ate my homework' type excuse. I should have known better. After all, he has an honorary doctorate in philosophy from a Turkish university. Philosophers are seekers after the truth, Dr Ace, being one of the foremost philosophers in our country, or at least in the Free State, is hardly likely to lie. Not the man who was awarded the sobriquet 'Acebestos', for his experience and expertise with asbestos in buildings.
All of this was brought to mind when Mr Brown Mogotsi give evidence at one of our many commissions of inquiry. He claims to have been working for the CIA. His behavior while giving evidence was very CIA-like: laughing into his jacket, casting sidelong glances around the room, giving off a furtive, secretive air and answering in roundabout generalities. He behaved very much like a spy, the sort of 'bloody agent' that Mr Malema once referred to.
Mr Mogotsi's ramblings were so weird and wonderful that they could well have been cooked in the same kitchen that produced the bizarre plot to destabilize Cuba by making Castro's beard fall out.
Now that I look back In anger, I see that it is quite conceivable that I too, was targeted. I believe that my many failures in business endeavours were because of CIA interference. The same applies to my failures in the field of romance. A very sweet lady in Texas dumped me soon after your inauguration, probably believing that I was dallying with the Democratic Party. She might have confused them with our own Democratic Alliance here in South Africa. Understandable, what with the donkey being the symbol for the democratic party and many of our politicians here behaving like asses.
My blood boils in similar fashion to the frogs that Mr Ramaphosa is said to be tending. More rapidly, of course (he is said to favour the long boiling game).
Mr Trump, I now call on you to cease and desist. Or, otherwise to stop completely. Do not force me to report you to our Human Rights Council who have been known to impose severe penalties on the corrupt, the thugs, the nouveau racists and others who have done enormous damage to our democracy. Examples are... oh, oh hang on. I'll get back to you on that one.
Failing that, I will bring a massive lawsuit against you and your wretched CIA, for sums far exceeding those normally paid to talented, nubile actresses for private perfornances (that one just sprang into my mind - can't remember the context). I plan to engage the redoubtable Mr Dali Mpofu as my senior council. His success with lawsuits are the stuff of legend.... somewhere.
I expect to receive from you, in the very near future, a fulsome apology, together with an invitation (embossed, of course) to tour the White House and a few of your better known attractions. Unlike our Mr Cele, I generally deem it beneath me to accept 'freebies'. However, one might, in a show of magnanimity, demonstrating that we South Africans do not bear grudges, contemplate accepting such an offer, particularly if accompanied by some sort of per diem allowance (in US dollars), for expenses. Why should our president have all the fun with benjamins? We also do not send messages by drone to those who have offended us. You need have no fear on that score (we don't have suitable drones anyway).
We do reserve the option to invade some small part of your country as a lesson and a warning. I'm thinkingTexas. Remember the Alamo.
Yours in solidarity, friendship and fraternal espionage.
Richard
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
Capitec Bank, South Africa
1378565477
O Tichmann
+27 833970723
