The Return Of The Magnificent Four

The rider bent low over the black stallion's mane as they sped through waving grasslands. He dismounted in a shady grove and let the stallion graze. Taking  a sip from his canteen of Perrier water, he flexed his fingers. The draw was a blur. Three SMSs sped out as one. 

"Got a long way to go Home Affairs", he murmered to the stallion as he remounted. 

Mo sat on his porch in the lotus position he'd learned during his passage to India. He seemed hardly to move as the knife thudded into the soil between the rider's boots. "Haven't lost your touch", the rider chuckled. Mo grunted: "We ride?"

"We ride",  he answered.

Not even a wisp of smoke rose from Faith's cabin among the woods. They leaned back in their saddles in the easy Mzansi rider's posture. "You can come down from the tree", the rider called. Rifle in the crook of her arm, she sailed down gracefully. "Only the three of us?" she asked. "We ride to Mokonyane's", he replied, lighting up a cheroot. "Grab a bite to eat. She's  got two lambs on the spit". 

"Just like old times", she chuckled, tightening the cinch on her saddle.

The sun was beginning to sink as they sped through grasslands, waded through creeks and ate the dust of old trails. They rode silently, each  with memories of battles fought and thoughts of  battles to come. The Saxonworld shootout, gunfight at the SONA Corral, gunsmoke drifting on the plain of Parliament.... They rode through villages, silent save for the rhythmic drumming of their horses' hooves. The villagers watched. Some crossed themselves. Even the children were subdued,  sensing that something momentous was afoot.

The last rays of the setting sun gleamed on leather and steel. Then the darkness swallowed them. . 

The Magnificent Four were back.

The Bone Collectors

Dear Covidpreneurs and Tenderpreneurs

At our recent meeting (on Zoom, of course), I was tasked with the unpleasant, unpalatable duty of conveying to you our extreme displeasure.

Sirs and madams, we of the Theft And  Burglary Association (TABA), take enormous pride in our professional, even artistic approach to our discipline. You, on the other hand, tear into the business like a barbaric guest at an elegant dinner gathering. The ghastly picture in my mind is of a diner brandishing in one hand a whole lamb shank  and tearing at it, while gulping down an enormous jug of beer, held in the other hand. I am unable to face my breakfast. To quote the troubled Danish prince, my gorge rises at it.

Several of our members have 'gone straight' in disgust. Must we teach you the basics? Like our patron saint, Robin of Locksley (widely known as Robin Hood), we rob only from the rich and distribute to the poor (ourselves). 

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a certain savoir-faire in redeploying selected contents of a mansion. Or relocating a wealthy person's wallet. Clearly, you nouveau criminals are sadly lacking in basic education. And indeed, manners. You tarnish the image of our profession.

One could word this protest in much stronger terms but that would entail sinking to the abysmal level that you occupy.

We intend to lobby strenuously for a reclassification of your activities. I am afraid that the term 'criminal' is far too genteel. Something porcine might fit the bill.

Peter Pompies

Secretary General TABA

Love Story

A year or two ago

Dear Supra

'The people love me.'

So glad you cleared up that little misunderstanding. We were under the (clearly false) impression that the people of the northwest were slightly g..vol with you - burning, looting, rioting.

We are talking of the same Northwest aren't we? In South Africa? Not North Korea or Nepal? I read 'The Five Love Languages' but missed the  chapter on rioting, looting and burning. Must go back and have another look.

Then again love has been known to drive people to distraction. This is clearly the variety sung of in old songs such as Burning Love and Ring of Fire. Your statement confused me initially and I was more inclined to Foreigner's I Want to Know What Love Is.

There is one secret that you must share with us, please. It could be most helpful to harassed administrators in the land. A newspaper article averred that your administration has been characterized by incompetence, corruption, failure to deliver services, among others. For which of these do the people love you most?

I do hope that the outpouring of love remains confined to your area. Already there are reports of some demonstrations of affection in KZN. Should the tide of passion sweep the whole country, I am afraid that our emergency services may really struggle to quench the fires of love.

Yours in the eternal quest for true love.

Richard

The Chronicles: Time Of Plagues

When the reign of  King Jayzed was ended, there came forth another out of the tribe of the Ancites.

Ram Pozaar sat but a few days upon the throne when a plague spread throughout the whole earth.  The king tarried not but gathered his ministers and counsellors about him. And a decree went through the land that every man, woman and child should hasten to their abodes, shut the doors and there abide for a season. The people were well pleased and did hasten to obey. And many praised the king for his wisdom.

At that time, B'eki, son of Chella, the king's minister, rose up to speak. 

"There is a curse upon the  Beloved Land", said he. "Because of those who go to drink wine from morning till evening. Behold their violence   reaches to the heavens. Let us stop every wine vat and shut up the doors of the wine merchants".

And so it was done according to his word. But some  of the people did mutter and grumble, saying:

"Does not wine gladden the heart? Shall there be no more laughter upon our lips? Indeed, the times are dark and full of sorrow".

Then there arose also a  minister called Endeezed and she proclaimed in a loud voice:

"Those who burn strange incense do bring sickness upon the land. Away with them and the smoke of their abominable sacrifices". And the burners of incense and the merchants were commanded to refrain from all that they did. And again there arose in the land the sound of mourning and murmering. But the son of Chella, filled with indignation, sought out the rebellious ones, to bind them and cast them into prison.

And the king and his ministers stored up grain for there was hunger in the land. And they sent for grain from foreign lands until the storehouses were filled. But lo, there came forth a plague of vermin and they devoured the grain to the last morsel. Then there went up in the land a great cry as of mourning and anger. And some stood forth and cried out:

"Behold the Ancites have brought upon us a sore plague. It is from their own houses and sewers that the vermin spring forth. Make clean your own houses ere you would command us in ours". 

And one among the Ancites proclaimed:

"Judge us not for is not this the curse of the Natites, the rulers of old? Upon their heads be it". But the people stopped their ears and gnashed their teeth.

 For their anger burned as a fiery furnace.

Here end the chronicles for the future is not written in the hand of scribes.

Reach For The Skies

Dear ANC Cabinet

Here is the solution to SAA's woes.

Don't throw any more money at this chronically ailing cash crocodile.

Who flies faster and lower across the country than the minibus taxi people? Who delivers millions of people to destinations across the land? Whose wrecks litter ..., oops,sorry, that slipped in. Flying is already in the blood of our taxi drivers. It's just a matter of learning to take off and land. My twelve year old nephew does that daily on his flight simulation game. 

Let the minibus taxi industry reach for the skies. Advantages are numerous. 

Some taxis resemble veterans of world war two tank battles. Anyone who can keep those on the road will have no trouble with aircraft maintenance. Do away with expensive airport infrastructure and staff. A couple of queue marshalls will whip everybody into line (literally, if necessary).

Unencumbered by the JMPD and other traffic police, our pilots are bound to make record times. Away with cumbersome booking and payment systems. Take a leaf out of the Book Of Taxi. Passengers line up on the runways and give the appropriate signals. A thumbs up for Durban, two for Cape Town. Two fingers up for the Eastern Cape. A limp-wristed thumbs down for Limpopo etc. The passenger in the front seat collects and counts the money - efficient and egalitarian. Passengers will thrill to the genuine South African travel experience. 

Flight plans - who needs them? Everyone knows where Durban is.  Joe's magwinyas and skop (sheep's head) alongside Ocean Basket will provide the ultimate South African dining experience in the terminal. There is a hotel providing 'a township experience' at more than R1000 a night. So, don't think that this is a bizarre notion. On the contrary, it will serve to unite the two South Africas. 

There we are: a simple South African solution, based on a working model. 

Yours in the struggle for efficiency.

Richard

Defence Of The Realm

Dear Mr Mnangagwa

So your courageous security people uncovered a plot to overthrow your duly elected government. By a journalist and an opposition politician. Dangerous combination. Sounds like the kind of threat Tom Cruise would face in one of the missions impossible. I just don't know how your guys do it. Time and again. So many threats, so little time. 

Sir, have your very capable people investigated thoroughly? This could be just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. What about your ministers and army people? Don't you think there may also be nurses, doctors, HR managers, street sweepers and others involved? Motive and opportunity are there, as the best TV crime series advise. I would look closely at postmen. They could carry all sorts of things besides letters.There might be some sinister symbolism behind their always knocking twice. There may well be a hotbed of agitators and subversives, all dressed in sheepskin coats. Why not simply lock up every tenth person, just to be sure. Better safe than overthrown. 

As for the US involvement, one wonders what they may be after in Zimbabwe. The banana crop maybe? Or is it the nuts? (I've been told that they thrive in your fertile soil). I knew from the start that Trump was up to no good with the constant tweeting. There they go, 'interfering in the course of justice' by Twitter. Is there no limit to their depravity? After all, which country can boast that their mills of justice grind as swiftly and surely as yours? It is not difficult to guess that the other foreign power you refer to is the little satan, Britain. From time immemorial they have been sticking their noses into your business. Probably to detract from their own problems back home. Which road is named after Boris Johnson? You have ten.

Yours in the struggle against counter-revolutionaries.

Richard

The Sting

Dear Fellow South Africans

Along with Covid came Corruption and a veritable army of Con Artists. Our own three horsemen of the apocalypse. There is apparently an ANC meeting to discuss corruption in all its varied, colourful forms. That's alright, then.

A friend told me recently of a gold and diamond business promising handsome returns to investors. Feeling a prickling sensation, like the memory of an old wasp sting, I quickly turned to faithful Google. 'Carte Blanche', the investigative TV programme, and scourge of many con artists, immediately came up alongside the name of the fabled company. My friend groaned. As well he might. The company was as solid as a child's soap bubble.

I avoid, like the virus, any organization whose name begins with the word 'Crowd'. Crowdwajo's barely literate ramblings should have been warning enough for us. Crowd 1 is being investigated and already smells like one of the pit toilets the tenderpreneurs neglected. A crowd farming venture last year gave it's investors only one thing: the startling discovery that chickens can fly. Far and fast. Crowd ANC also scares me.

I believe in network marketing. It's one of the few ways that an ordinary Joe can be in business without paying an arm and a leg plus several organs. But, dear investor, ask at least the following questions:

Show me your registration. Any answer that includes 'um' and 'er' is your cue to flee as if the devil were after you. And indeed, he is.

Describe your product or service. Pixie dust does not qualify.

Who are the founders or the executive? Check these against Interpol lists.

You know that network marketing is hard, time-consuming work - like any business. At least three things make it harder in South Africa:

Justified suspicion and cynicism.

The cost of products, regardless of how good the quality might be.

The realization that hits eager - beaver affiliates quite early that this is hard work. And it's not a sprint.

Then there are the con artists.

Walk softly. Bonne Chance.

Yours in the struggle.

Richard