The Bone Collectors

Dear Covidpreneurs and Tenderpreneurs

At our recent meeting (on Zoom, of course), I was tasked with the unpleasant, unpalatable duty of conveying to you our extreme displeasure.

Sirs and madams, we of the Theft And  Burglary Association (TABA), take enormous pride in our professional, even artistic approach to our discipline. You, on the other hand, tear into the business like a barbaric guest at an elegant dinner gathering. The ghastly picture in my mind is of a diner brandishing in one hand a whole lamb shank  and tearing at it, while gulping down an enormous jug of beer, held in the other hand. I am unable to face my breakfast. To quote the troubled Danish prince, my gorge rises at it.

Several of our members have 'gone straight' in disgust. Must we teach you the basics? Like our patron saint, Robin of Locksley (widely known as Robin Hood), we rob only from the rich and distribute to the poor (ourselves). 

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a certain savoir-faire in redeploying selected contents of a mansion. Or relocating a wealthy person's wallet. Clearly, you nouveau criminals are sadly lacking in basic education. And indeed, manners. You tarnish the image of our profession.

One could word this protest in much stronger terms but that would entail sinking to the abysmal level that you occupy.

We intend to lobby strenuously for a reclassification of your activities. I am afraid that the term 'criminal' is far too genteel. Something porcine might fit the bill.

Peter Pompies

Secretary General TABA