High Tea and Doctor Endeezee

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Dr NDZ and Mr Cele warned us of the evils of smoking and drinking. 

I discovered a greater evil. Subtle, insidious, deceptive - abuse of tea. It all started when a judge hit the wall - literally. With his rather expensive car. The judge claimed to have been drinking tea. He later admitted to having had some wine. So it was reported. I believe the first report. I am a supporter of law and order, judges and all things judicial.

 I resolved to conduct the kind of thorough research that The Daily Sun is renowned for. I made some startling discoveries. Consider the following: What is it about tea that so inflamed the sober sons of Boston? Throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbour isn't what you'd expect at an eighteenth century tea party. 

 The samurai drank, not sake, but tea before battle. A man whose sole purpose in life is separating heads from bodies would know. Some people read tea leaves. No one goes around reading coffee grounds- or even dagga seeds. Sinister. What is the real meaning of high tea? Why should storms happen only in teacups? 

 Lest you think I am being frivolous (heaven forbid!), here is the most compelling evidence: Ever since Catherine Of Braganza took some tea over as part of her dowry, the English began to behave in eccentric, and sometimes downright antisocial ways. Why would a 'nation of shopkeepers' want to conquer the globe? One can picture the lords of the day, lolling among the overturned teacups. Their slurred speech would later become the 'aristocratic drawl'. 

 "I say, chaps. Why don't we jolly well conquer the whole earth?"

 "Very droll, Robert. Whatever for?"

 "Well, er, because it's there, old chap". 

 And thus, in all probability, began that chapter. 

 I suggest that the legal age for drinking tea be raised. We should conduct experiments on selected members of the legal professions. It's the responsible thing to do.

 Yours in the struggle against substance abuse. 

 Richard