Time Of Reckoning

Dear Mr Cele

 So we go to lockdown level 2.

 I am sure that you are ready to deal with the hordes of criminals coming off the 'crime holiday' you mentioned. After all, your gallant officers are now battle- hardened. They have fought an epic battle with those brutal, vicious, cunning illegal smokers and boozers. They surely must bear the scars. After that, rounding up murderers, rapists and robbers will be like taking candy from a sleeping baby. Or whiskey from a comatose illegal boozer. 

You arrested about 300 000 of those puffing, swilling villains. We expect double that number of villains, including Covidpreneurs, to be locked down a bit longer than we were. After all, it's going to be a lot easier, isn't it. It took real courage and grit to deal with that other lot. Gazing into the bloodshot eyes of a rebellious boozer or smoker can freeze a man's blood.

 I am a little confused by your reference to investigations into police brutality. I thought you said there wasn't any in South Africa. Or are you looking at our neighbours to the north? (Now that our own smoking and drinking rings have been smashed). Carte Blanche did a programme on blue light gangs. I thought it was about those convoys carrying Important People to Important Events. Apparently the name refers to villains masquerading as police officers. A cynical friend said that that's not at all unusual in South Africa. Not sure what he meant. Perhaps someone can explain?

 Well, Sir, the time of reckoning has surely come. 

May the force be with you. 

 Yours in the struggle to maintain law and order.

 Richard

Met Ys / With Ice

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Like you, I'm sure, I've been concerned about the aggression, scorn and anger poured out on social media.

 At times we seem to be such an angry, frustrated, fragmented nation. All is not lost. Mr Malema was once reported to have retorted to Mr Kriel of Afriforum: "You are drunk on Klipdrift and coke". (I assume he meant Coca-Cola, not the powdery stuff). This had to do with moneys reportedly paid to Afriforum after a (yet another) lawsuit. Another angry outburst, I thought. 

Then I re-read the piece, more attentively. He said 'Klipdrift', not 'brandy'. Not just any brandy. Now how would Mr Malema know that the respected klippies was Mr Kriel's favourite tipple? This points to insider knowledge. One can only assume that they must have raised a glass or two together. So what sounded like an angry shot across the bows may well have been some friendly ribbing. 

 To those of you uttering a disbelieving 'haibo', let me refer you the English House of Commons. MPs savage one another mercilessly, then have a friendly drink together. It's so reassuring to know that our own politicos are capable of such maturity and good humour. A lesson to us all in a mature, big-hearted approach to problem solving. 

I can picture the two of them, sipping their klippies and coke before a roaring log fire, chuckling over the lawyers' antics. 

 Remember the popular 'Met Ys' advertisement for Klipdrift? Here's an opportunity to go one better. Courtroom scenes shot in sombre black and white, warm sepia tones for the fireplace scenes - a classic. Potential award winner. 

 Shall we raise a glass in salute to these two gentlemen and the fine example that they are? 

Met ys, ja.

 Richard

Wallflowers - Supporting Mr Gigaba

Mr Gigaba is back in the news. Here is a supportive letter that I wrote to him some time ago.

 Dear Mr Gigaba

 You have my sympathy empathy and understanding. How awful that you attended those social gatherings in Saxonworld and elsewhere and were not afforded even the courtesy of an introduction. 

 I myself underwent a whole year of therapy after the trauma of a similar Wallflower experience. Even now I shudder at the memory. I would highly recommend Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbaumen, should you feel the need for a good analyst. While my experience was a one-off, I imagine that the trauma was ratcheted up several notches as you suffered repeated exposure to the cold shoulder. I can picture you slouching in a corner, your glass of red wine slowly turning lukewarm as you sat despondently while the animated discussion and gusts of laughter wafted by you. 

People just do not realise how soul-destroying the Wallflower experience can be. Being a kindred soul in suffering I suggest that we meet at the Saxonworld establishment for some cathartic sharing and unburdening over a comforting beverage. We could establish WA, Wallflowers Anonymous. We are certain to be inundated with applications from politicians and officials who suffered in like fashion, attending functions but being treated like the Invisible Man by those churlish cads.

 May I also invite you to my favourite Germiston haunts where the welcome is always warm. Pat's Bar and Joe's Tavern are cradles of culture where one may freely may freely and lustily cheer the Sharks, Pirates and the Proteas in convivial company. Even the occasional fistfights are conducted in a fair and friendly spirit.

 I look forward to hearing from you.  

Yours in the quest for warm South African hospitality.

 Richard

Lockdown

Dear criminals

 Isn't life strange? It rather looks as if that virus is going to accomplish what our respected police force has failed dismally at: keep you bas.., sorry gentlemen off the streets.

 I do hope you spend your time wisely. I can recommend some good books, including The Good Book, which has many interesting thoughts on your line of business. I believe that you will meet many kindred spirits in several of the stories. If you have not already liberated a copy, I'd be happy to leave one for you at a convenient spot.

 Although I feel as much sympathy for you as I did for Darth Vader, I have thought of a way to brighten your day. Consider this a work from home opportunity. If you send detailed instructions, I will rob myself twice a week. One does want to do it properly, you know, standard operating procedures and all that. I'm happy to video the whole thing if that will add some spice. 

 I imagine that many of you have solid experience of lockdown situations, having been guests of the state. You might want to give back (whoa, wait till I finish) a little and share on how you survived them. Just the activities that normal folk can relate to, please.You know what I mean: monopoly, checkers etc. 

I guess it would be too much to hope that this will be a life-changing experience for you, so let's just leave it at that. 

 Yours in the struggle to stay safe and healthy. 

 Richard

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Thuma Mina (Send Me)

Dear Gupta Family

 I am deeply disappointed after watching some of the recent Zondo Commission episodes. I think that it is a travesty of justice and other stuff that you did not make the list of top ten best companies to work for. 

I admire your no-nonsense approach to business procedures. Your payroll procedures, for example. Bags of cash are so much easier to conc..., I mean, handle than EFTs, bank interest charges and all that bureaucratic stuff. Mattresses, jam jars and holes in the garden were good enough for our forebears. I'm all for preserving culture and tradition.

 Your compensation plan seems as competitive as they get. In my entire career, I've only had two similar offers. One was a public relations junket for a family concern on an island near the 'toe' of Italy's 'boot'. The other was a sales management job for a Colombian pharmaceutical company. 

 But, to business. I am wildly enthusiastic about joining your enterprise. I believe that I'd make an ideal employee from a culture - fit and skills perspective. Some of my attributes: Flexibility: I am willing to do anything legal - or at least leaning in that general direction. A rubber band could not be more elastic. Goal driven: My career goal is to make a substantial pil..,sorry, contribution to a worthy cause. Willingness: I will shred, burn and even eat documents should the need arise. And the pric.., er, cause be right. Maturity and Reasonableness : I read some time ago of someone who turned down a sweetener with a fair number of zeroes in it. For that sort of reasonable incentive, I could be sweeter than the fattest honeycomb.  

I am willing to be interviewed at that watering hole made famous by Mr Molefe. I am equally willing to skip straight to the signing of contracts. Drinks on me on successful conclusion. 

 Yours in the struggle for enlightenment in the world of work.  

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Game Of Clones

King Ramer Pozar stared into the fireplace, shivering despite the warmth. He threw a log onto the fire and sighed; a thousand fires to put out in the kingdom.

 If only he could concentrate his forces on one enemy. Lord Stonehouse in the West grew stronger daily. The so-called Mother of Dragons had returned to support him. Though many regarded her as a meddlesome plotter, past her prime, she could be a formidable foe. 

 And what of Lord Malma? There was a menace in his eerie silence greater than his ranting and threats. Even Lord Herman in the North was flexing his muscles, gathering a ragged army of malcontents. 

 The kingdom was shrouded in snow and blizzards tore at fields and dwelling places. The White Walkers, it was whispered abroad, were up to their devilry of old. The name of Lord Rupert was but one spoken of in hushed tones. The Wildings were rampaging through the battered, tormented countryside, looting and burning every village in sight. They were once - loyal citizens and nobles gone rogue, gone wild with greed. Hence the name. The people's cries for help had turned to curses and open, treasonous talk of rebellion. 

 And where were his generals? Lord Chella seemed to chase every will-'o -the-wisp. His boasts of victories over the Wildings were sounding increasingly hollow. News of fresh Wilding outrages came almost hourly. Lord McGushulla seemed to be as scorned and despised of late as were those marauding bandits. Accusations were being made that he was in alliance with them. Was, in fact, the secret Lord Commander. Lady Endiazed......he held his head in his hands. How had it come to this? 

 The wind shrieked wildly, as if in mocking reply. A fresh fall of snow blotted out everything beyond the window pane.

 So bitterly cold.

 So hard this Game Of Clones.

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Why The Mongols Never Invaded Africa

The scene: boardroom of the Mongol executive, Genghis Kahn presiding. Aroma of spiced tea and Mongolian stir-fry waft through the carpeted ger (yurt).

 "I say, chaps, it's been another good year. Many lands coming under beneficent Mongol rule. Trade and tributes swelling our coffers. It's a yak market." 

 Applause and smiles all round. "He's been talking this way since we moved into Europe", murmurs one executive to another. "Calls it business language". 

 "Great Kahn, at whose voice the whole earth trembles...", begins one of the younger executives. 

 "Save that stuff for the public meetings, Temujin. But speak. You are a man of learning and knowledge. What would you have us know?".

 "Sire, on the southern tip of the Dark Continent lies a fertile land of great riches...".

 "Why is it so named? Dark Continent?". 

 "There is a tribe that goes through the land from time to time, extinguishing all lights that they may do their business in darkness. They are much feared and are known as the Esscom". 

 "Most peculiar. What else should we know of this land". 

 "They are ruled by a tribe of fat ones, yet many of the people live in poverty and want". 

 "Why do they not rise up?" 

 "Well, Sire, they themselves choose the fat ones in a kurultai, much as we have". 

 "What manner of people is this? Shall a wolf be chosen to guard the sheep?" 

 "It is a land of mystery and magic. They have a saying: Better the wolf you know".

 "Better the....Surely this is a cursed people. Or drunk on strange potions". 

 "It is said that many of the people inhale a mysterious incense which renders them insensible or prone to great mirth at things of no significance. Sire, they may be ripe for conquest but surely it is a land of strange things and sorcery." 

 "You speak wisely, Temujin. We are warriors, conquerors. But, of sorcerers, we know little. We shall not venture into that cursed land. Better the wolf you know, indeed!" 

Murmers of assent. 

Secretary crosses Africa off to-do list.

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O Tichmann 

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