Phoenix

 Dear ANC

Thank goodness for the DA's propensity for shooting themselves in both feet.

What a grand opportunity for a flamboyant display of unrighteous indignation. You can cover a multitude of sins with this gift of the gods of political opportunism. And boy, we are talking a multitude. To list them would turn this post into a facsimile of War and Peace. You do know that we're talking of the Phoenix election posters. I can barely bring myself to type the name without breaking out in hives.

Interestingly, a commentator pointed out that the president and others praised people for defending their communities. But that's beside the point. Whatever said point may be.

You ought to use this opportunity like the mythical phoenix. Revive it from the  sad ashes of your own sorry campaign  at every opportunity. Why not raise a monument? We could have a danger - tape cutting ceremony. But let's go frugal; no more than a million.

Mr Cele spoke a while back. It was with a passion that we've not seen when he discourses on all the boring violence and murder elsewhere in the land. The timbre of his voice swelled with gravitas as he uttered the magic word: 'racism'. It was like seeing an otherwise placid person transformed by a stiff dose of speed. 

A suitably grave TV person spoke of 'playing with people's lives'. I thought that's what we'd been witnessing for many decades. Is that not the whole political game in our country?

Pious and sanctimonious sentiments descended like the Durban rain. I was reminded of Auden's:

In the nightmare of the dark

All the dogs of Europe bark

(Substitute anything for Europe).

Two things come to mind. One: just the matter of perspective. Two: why is made to sound as if the Phoenix community is entirely made up of mass murderers? 

Yours in the struggle for perspective.

Richard 

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Saving the zebra

 I learned from TV news that Covid is responsible for an increase in teenage pregnancies. That's at odds with what my biology teachers taught, but who am I to argue?

Political promises dominated the rest of the news, so my mind drifted inexplicably to fables and fairy tales. Here's one I heard in southern Africa.

In a green, pleasant land

lived various animals, ruled by the vultures. Why vultures? It's a fable.

The cruel, selfish vultures took most of the land for themselves and made absurd laws, restricting the movement of all other animals. This was particularly hard on the zebras, who loved to run free. They became weak, sickly and dispirited.

A band of noble hyenas overthrew the vultures, to the delight of all the other animals. Noble hyenas? Its a fable, for Pete's sake. Besides, if you're South African, that's not the most bizarre thing you've heard today. Hlophe and Mkhwebane have been nominated for the Chief Justice role.

The hyenas introduced regular leadership elections and promised many good things. The champagne taste of freedom was in the air.

However, as often happens in fables, a shaft of gloom penetrated the light. The hyenas secretly sold large tracts of land to humans, who slashed and burned. Some of them fed off the older zebra and the young. The animals were outraged.

At election time, the hyenas were contrite. They would deal with all rogue hyenas through several hyena committees. Had they not fulfilled some promises? Would they not fulfill many more? Some animals were placated. One of the hyenas could not resist nipping at the calf of a zebra. 

The party of the red-breasted squawkers loudly proclaimed that this was nonsense. They held the keys to the land of free things. To the zebras they said: "Your white stripes are the cause of all your troubles. We will rid you of them."

And, for emphasis, they marched around, hurling insults and curses at the white stripes.

Then all the animals chimed in, until the very hills reverberated with baying, howling, barking and hooting

But some of the animals quietly wondered:

"Who will save the zebras?"

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Slow Learners

 "Tune in for a saga of lies, scandals and corruption", urged the TV voice. 

I dutifully tuned into the news. It was an advertisement for a soapie, instead. Well, they're going to have to up their game to compete with South African news broadcasts.

I vaguely recall ANC claims that 85% of households have been  electrified. Questions about the sources of statistics aside, I suppose it's an achievement over 27 years. What I do know is that the ANC has kept 100% of households electrified  with their shenanigans.  Comedy, family feuds, pillaging, crime, bizarre utterances and more, kept us transfixed. 

Cliches and acronyms  have flown thick and fast - RET , WMC, BBEE, BEE, Integrity,  revolutionary, our people decent jobs etc. Fortunately, most have proven to be

 meaningless, so please don't weary yourself deciphering them. 

By the by, perhaps I'm being cranky, but can we not set up a presidential press briefing where one can actually hear the questions being asked? It's in the little things, said Aristotle.

The president reassured us that the ANC is now learning from a past they are not proud of. I've heard of slow learners, but 27 years.... Still, Mr President, I'm sure that your party will muddle through. It's possible that there are some slow learners among the voters, too.

In other news, a city official bemoaned the poor work of housing contractors in a residential area.

"If a contractor builds shoddy houses", he said. "He should not be given another opportunity".

Ja, well, I don't know.

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Censored

 A social media contact from Iran told me that he was having trouble accessing my blog. Later he messaged again to say that he'd found out why. Iran, he said, was blocking and censoring.

I responded with the calm demeanour that maturity brings. After I'd thrown out the Persian rugs in a rage and torn up my air ticket to Tehran. One learns to rise above pettiness.

On the same day, a South African online magazine followed suit. They had invited me to submit articles but about four articles down the track, this was forwarded to me:

"The satire articles we are getting from ***** seems to be getting some negative comments…

This may eventually cause a stir in the political arena…

I am of the view that put a moratorium on it to protect the publication sector"

Such interesting bedwet..., sorry, bedfellows.

Good people, the whole point and purpose is to cause a stir in the 'political arena'. That does read suspiciously like: "We really don't want to upset some people." That kind of cow.., pardon, cautious approach is not unusual. Unnecessary, perhaps, as it's unlikely that the ones we fear offending actually read. Apart from the classics and the government gazzette.

Interesting bedfellows indeed.

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Mampara of the Century

 Dear ANC

I watched the news on my neighbour's new, big-screen TV today. He acquired it sometime in July, during the disturbances. Driven by pangs of hunger, he was cruising the Durban streets in his SUV, when he saw the TV set lying outside a Game store. Assuming it to be surplus stock, he thoughtfully gave it a good home.

With today being Heritage Day, we wore our traditional masks, had a traditional KFC meal and viewed  the traditional offerings by the national broadcaster. Edward Zuma accused the media of nonsensical reporting. I don't know. The recorded news broadcast was as up-to-the-minute as usual. If there had been interviews, I am sure that they would have been as incisive as usual. Cutting through the politicians' newspeak to the buried truth. 

We watched South African Airways staff and supporters dancing as the national carrier took to the skies again. Caught up in the moment and giddy with joy, we also danced the Jerusalema and the Step Aside. And bellowed out a rousing rendition of 'Flying Without Wings'. For the poor, this is a meaningful investment. We can stand shoulder to shoulder (not literally - social distancing applies) with politicians queuing for their free flights to Cape Town. There will surely also be jobs aplenty: pilots, aircraft mechanics, steal..., I mean, sorting luggage.

A Union Person shared the wisdom that it would be bad for workers if the ANC were to be, (mercy on us all!), defeated at the upcoming polls. In other news, it was reported that the ANC has not paid or cannot pay their workers for some time. I was mildly confused. 

Some unkind souls suggested that you should be the Sunday Times' collective Mampara of the Year. That's grossly unfair. You deserve Mampara of the Century.

Yours in the struggle against mamparadom.

Richard 

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Edward's Grapes of Wrath

 Dear Mr Edward Zuma

There have been times that the whole world has trembled at the prospect of imminent disaster. I believe that such a time is again upon us.

Our neighbourhood has started a prayer chain, as people did during the Cuban missile crisis. You have warned us that the whole world will see your anger. I am sure that it is a fearsome thing.

I have friends who laughed at your reaction, on TV news, to the Concourt ruling on your respected father's rescission application. I warned them that you are a serious man. After all, like a popular politician, you were willing to die for the cause. After padlocking the gates of the inKandla homestead. 

I tried to make sense of your ranti.., sorry, discourse. I cannot capture the eloquence of your address but garnered the following gems:

Not only is the judiciary captured and bought, but also full of pride. That's a couple of deadly sins right there, sir.

Said judiciary made a nonsensical ruling. Compounding this are the reporters with their nonsensical reporting. (I have indeed heard and seen some nonsensical stuff on TV news - unrelated to your matter).

You will not do or encourage anything illegal. Then again, you don't 'recognize any legality' in this country. You see my slight bewilderment here, sir?

You will march daily in protest until the judiciary admit their mistake. Sackcloth and ashes, surely, as they repent having been 'eaten by pride'. I suppose that shouldn't take too long.

Otherwise you will react very badly. Does this include swearing and slamming doors? Disturbing stuff, sir.

When you mentioned people in red, sitting on benches and bringing the country into disrepute, I thought you were taking a swipe at EFF MPs. 

You almost called Mr Manyi 'Jimmy'. A miniscule slip in a speech reminiscent of the best of Churchill (not Winston, my neighbour, Zeke Churchill).

Sir,  by your (and your esteemed father's) report, your family appears to be much sinned against. Judges, spies, reporters, ministers, sinister others - all hurling fiery darts. It's a wicked world. 

Yours in the struggle for justice and reason.

Richard 

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Downhill Racers

 Dear ANC

It's not fun to make fun of you anymore. I was brought up right. 

It's like mocking a drunk who's fallen into a pit latrine. I'm going to have to stick to the EFF. Incidentally, an irate ground forces member wanted to know if I entertain myself with fantasies. No, I replied, the EFF entertains me - royally. The fantasies I leave to them.

At any rate, it's really hard to keep up with your disasters and scandals. Like watching an overcooked disaster movie. You know: monsters, aliens, floods, fires, quakes, all in one gigantic, unappetizing stew. Or like playing one of those alien invaders games. The more alien ships you shoot down, the faster they keep coming. And they never stop.

Could you perhaps do a roster of scandals, failures, looting achievements, blunders, embarrassing moments, nonsensical utterances and the other stuff you excel at? Like the Eskom loadshedding thing. You could call it the Bullshedding Thing. That way, we could keep track. Feel free to use the categories above as headings. You could put the task out to tender. 

George W Bush once said something along the lines of: "Our enemies will do everything they can to destroy our country. So will we."  An unfortunate choice of words. For you, though, a perfectly lucid statement.

You out-stooge the Three Stooges at their ridiculous best. You gave us Hlaudi, Mr Zuma, Dr Ace, Eskonomics, Flying Without Wings at SAA, tenderpreneurs, ANCspeak and so many other gifts that keep on giving.

It's hard to make fun of you. You do it so well yourselves.

Yours in the struggle to remember what we're struggling for.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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