Quacks Like A Duck

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I vaguely remember a piece of wisdom that went something like:

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. 

Why, in South Africa, are we so loath or afraid to call a duck a duck? 

Ken Blanchard once likened the pathetic performance and sniveling excuses of mampara service providers to quacking like ducks, instead of flying like eagles. What we wouldn't give to see some eagles in flight in South Africa.

Mr Zuma, like a KZN Sydney Carton, ready to meet Madame Guillotine with equanimity, once declared his eagerness to face his accusers in court. Ready to be imprisoned (wrongfully, of course), for justice, truth and other noble stuff.  One even expected to hear him say:  'It is a far, far better thing that I

do....'  

That heroic posture disintegrated into a frantic duck walk of mysterious illnesses and protracted litigation. What happened, Excellency and supporters? Sounds remarkably like (quoting Mr Blanchard):

'Quacka - quack  - quack  - quack',

If our honourable members were to answer truthfully the question as to what value they have added, most would answer:

'Quacka - quack  - quack  - quack'

Of course, the sky would also fall in.

What's going on with Eskom's unbelievable, long-running farce? Yes, a torrent of quacks issues forth from an assortment of the fine, fat birds.

Duck fertilizer is a messy, almost liquid substance, squirted out as, when and where it pleases the bird. We have lots of the stuff. 

Municipalities: 'quacka - quack - quack  - quack'

What's the strategy to combat out-of-control crime?  'quacka  - quack  - quack  - quack'

What about the economy? 'quacka - quack - quack - quack'

And so the merry refrain rings across the beloved land.

Our ducks can swim in all kinds of weather but ducks are not much good for anything besides roasting and eating. On this Animal Farm, the ducks are overdue for a booting out.

Let's roast 'em. Lawfully and democratically.

Anyone for some golden, crisp roast duck?

Yours in the struggle to find some decent poultry.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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Commonsense, Competence. Compassion, Corruption

Dear Honourable Members 

South Africa is alive with possibilities.

A very experienced member of parliament suggests that a commission be appointed to investigate the Zondo Commission.  The Monty Python team, sitting in a dense dagga smoke cloud,  empty bottles of vodka at their feet, could not have concocted anything as bizarrely funny.

What the devil is this man (and others like him) still doing in parliament?  We are at half past shipwreck. We don't have the time for clowning. Especially not at salaries and perks, a fraction of which, most South Africans would give a kidney for. 

Forget commissions. Government with compassion, commonsense,

 and competence was all we needed. 

And the taking of a sharp scalpel to the corruption tumour which is now killing  us. We got clowns, crooks, charlatans and cowards, instead.

A 500k project balloons to 4 billion, of which 3 go missing. This is the twenty-first century. The South African Revenue Service can track ten cents deposited into my long-suffering bank account. Who are not doing their jobs? When the so-called leadership lack the three C -word attributes, you have the kind of country that the Donald described with characteristic eloquence - a sh..hole country.

Comsider Life Esidimeni, water cannon on a SASSA queue and the weary resignation of faces in the never-ending government office queues. Faces that say: "We have seen all this before and. for us, this is all there is". In the place of uBuntu we have the strutting, loudmouthed, bastard children of apartheid - arrogance, indifference, callousness, entitlement.

We've had almost thirty years to train people, to learn from the best in each sphere, to lay foundations for the things that would have made us a good, if not a great country. We were not bombed like Germany or Japan. Yet, here we are, worse off than Ukraine at war, and full of excuses. 

Ignore the RET clowns and their ilk, shouting curses and irrelevant nonsense into the wind. Ignore the yelling, babbling populists who have never contributed and never will. Because they can't. 

Because they avoid compassion, commonsense and competence. It is easier to scream like graduates of the Adolf School Of Leadership. Empty, empty vessels. Fire the incompetents. Fire the squatters and the holiday cruisers. Then we might still have a chance. If not, Zimbabwe here we come - at twice the speed. Hotel Rwanda, here we come. The long game is suicide when we're on course for an iceberg, the tip of whose tip is the typical 3 billion tale.

To the honourable member who suggested yet another commission, if only a commission could, with lightning speed:

Determine what part each of you have played in trashing our country through negligence, sheer slothfulness, corruption, poor governance and tomfoolery at taxpayer expense.

Now that would be a commission worth having.

Yours in the struggle to find commonsense, competence, compassion  - somewhere in South Africa.

Richard

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bless Your Hearts, ANC

 Dear Mr Chairman Nathi Sithole 

Your tweet below had me wrestling with questions of theology and human government deep into the humid Durban night.

'There is no President that is installed by God,that one must focus on learning his home language and stop defending crooks'

Not having your rich background in matters theological, I'm unable to comment in general terms. I do think that Mr Ramaphosa was elected by humans at a couple of the jolly ANC shindigs that the SABC delights in filming at great length. I  am surprised that we've not seen some Sam Peckinpah style slow motion shots of the singing, dancing delegates. I think you might have attended one or two of those joyous events?

Back to theology.  Well, Mr Chairman, I'm with you on this one. God is said to work in mysterious ways, but it's hard to imagine Him appointing any ANC candidate. Any ANC government. The ANC has clearly demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt that it knows less about governing than I do about quantum physics. Apartheid is still blamed for almost 30 years of spectacular underachievement. Jan Van Riebeeck waits his turn on the scapegoat substitute bench. Everything lootable has been looted. And there have been leaps of innovation in discovering new looting fields. So, yes, it's most unlikely that the Almighty has appointed a president in these parts. Unless He is very annoyed with us. That is a distinct possibility given how  we've made an unholy mess of a country rich with possibilities.

Your second tweet was equally thought- provoking:

'That king can’t even speak our language properly but get paid a lot of money under the guise of “preserving our culture” that’s why he spend so much time defending a crook that has destroyed our country,if he decides to be a politician we will treat him as such.'

The language thing is easily solved.  Our language lab offers a special royalty discount. All we ask are a couple of tickets to the odd royal gala.

I was a little confused by the statement about 'defending a crook'.  We have so many, in and out of politics. My confusion was compounded by a tweet from Ayanda:

'The only recognized crook in SA is Jacob Zuma, he must go and fetch his masters the Guptas, they are going to jail..'

That can't be true. He cannot be the only one, if indeed he is one.

You seem to be quite warm under the collar about these questions of theology and governance. Not healthy in this extreme Durban heat. You were a lot more tolerant about Mr Zuma's romps in the perfumed garden of applied theology. Remember these pearls from the Zuma lips:

"the ANC will rule South Africa until Jesus comes back"

The ANC is blessed by God

Those who vote for the ANC will be blessed on earth and in heaven 

.

Clearly, in this case, what is theologically good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander. Not that I'm suggesting that Mr Zuma is a goose. More like a turkey, said a forward friend. At which, like you, I was righteously indignant.

Another interesting tweet on the subject:

'We used to have political differences in the ANC but we have never witnessed any mutiny during Mandela,Mbeki and Zuma.Why are we having this behavior of disgruntled cdes under Ramaphosa?Are they fuelled by hatred, greed or just hunger for political power? Who is behind this'

I think that he omitted the 'all of the above' option.

Yours in the struggle with thorny political and theological questions.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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They Have A Dream

There is something to be said for staying off social media after imbibing copious quantities of strong beverage.  Or inhaling substances that induce hallucinations. I am not suggesting that the writer of the tweet below did any such thing. Just a sudden epiphany I felt duty-bound to share.

'South Africa will be built by the ANC that is led by RET forces and a strong opposition from the EFF and ATM,we will see true development of our country where radical economic transformation will be implemented ,where all people will live better.'

This is the ANC that has brought South Africa to her knees? The ANC that gutted everything in sight with the sublime skill of a taxidermist to the business born.

No, there must be another ANC somewhere. Wait, they will be led by the RET forces, a disciplined cadre with extensive experience in:

 Litigation 

 Hurling insults 

 Horse and ass trading 

 Colourful threats and innuendo (meandos)

 Fierce, intense loyalty to some of the   most interesting characters ever to   have trod the political stage anywhere. 

Yes, this is wonderful news for South Africans stretched out on the rack designed by our innovative politicians. 

I am sure that, like me, you spotted in that list the skills, qualities and the determined focus required to lift us out of the pit toilet.

Oh, joy. Energy woes, corruption, racial strife, rampant crime, economic woes - all just a memory.

"And it came to pass that, when all hope was lost, there came forth, riding upon white horses. the gallant armies of Ahritee. (Some did favour black steeds).  Men and women of renown they were.  Around the fires (for of electricity there was none) ballads were sung of their deeds of valour, their honour and purity of heart.  And they were cunning in all matters of government. And behold, all that ailed the people of the beloved land, they did heal with mighty slogans and words of great wisdom. And their honest allies, they of the red apparel, and the Atermites joined hands with them. And there was joyous dancing in the streets and jubilant shouting from rooftops (for many new rooftops they built with great skill and cunning workmanship).

And Bafana bore home in triumph the trophy of world football."

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O Tichmann 

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National Shutdown

Dear  Fellow South Africans  

People are making fun of the alleged call by the ANC for a national shutdown.

Bizarre but not unprecedented. There was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, good Spider-Man vs bad Spider-Man. These things happen.

We once had the ANC protesting against crime, not unlike Jack The Ripper protesting against gender based violence. We can probably expect protests against buffoonery, corruption, incompetence and other evils that are anathema to the upstanding ANC. Von Dreck's theorem states that piety and public spiritedness within political parties grow in inverse proportion to the nearmess to elections.

Of course, Mr Mabe, of "yes, we can govern" fame, denounced reports of the call as false. Perhaps third force stuff  - my comment, not his. I believe Mr Mabe. Why would the ANC call for a national shutdown? That's redundant. They've been working hard at shutting down South Africa for almost thirty years. Modesty would probably compel them to deny this, but they've been remarkably successful to date.

In all seriousness, the ANC is not solely to blame for our dismal situation. The cunning apartheid regime handed over stuff with built in obsolescence: power stations, the national carrier, the post office etc. This is the only logical explanation for the simultaneous crumbling and collapse of all of these and more. What with our comrades having put in back breaking years of blue light dashes, draining conferences, meetings, luncheons and appearances on national TV.  Life isn't fair. Those apartheid era scoundrels also deliberately left stuff that is btoth tempting  and easy to steal: railway sleepers, stations, cables, money...Aftet all, which disciplined cadre could walk by a sleeper carelessly laid on a railway line and not be overwhelmed by the temptation to redeploy it? For the benefit of the people.What burdens those cruel taskmasters laid on our frail shoulders.

Give the comrades a break - a long, long one.

Yours in the  Eskom - like struggle to shed light.

Richard 

, 

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Stand Up

 

This tweet from Jonathan Jansen:

'I sense a deep & dark frustration across SA, an escalation of the mental & emotional toll on citizens. A feeling of utter hopelessness in the face of this electricity crisis. I can only offer you this consolation once gifted to me in dark times: this too shall come to pass.'

Yes, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, the misruling party, all well-paid, well-fed politicians and that disaster called Eskom need to be made to get off their swollen butts and do what they should have been doing all along. 

We are in crisis. Closer to catastrophe than ever. Only the ANC and others wno live one clichè, one useless slogan at a time,  cannot see. We need to help them concentrate what's left of their minds. A couple of marches alone will probably not pierce the veils of arrogance, stupidity and whatever else impedes. I suspect that the equivalent of the biblical ten plagues will be needed to get through to our own plump pharaohs.

The most comprehensive, multi-pronged

demonstration of anger and disgust ever seen in South Africa is called for. And it should continue until this too has passed. 

We are in crisis. We have to close the circus down. Stop the schoolyard pushing, shoving and sticking out of tongues. The whingeing, the whining, the mumbled excuses and the high pitched accusations are a waste of precious time. 

Fires need to be put out, not preached to or pop-philosophized about. Our politicians don't know the difference. It's been a long time coming.  Our politicians have been preaching to the fires for almost thirty years. And we are burned.

Messrs Zuma, Malema and your play group, if you plan to bring your usual, shrill offerings, don't. The chihuahua-like yapping is distracting. We are miserable enough.

Let there be marches. Let there be a range of  actions to embarrass, inconvenience and discomfort those responsible, as we have been discomforted for so long. Until we see a real project plan and the first steps accomplished,

I believe it's time to remove the state - supplied generators from the homes of politicians. I believe that their water should be turned off at intervals. Let them play their part in the struggle. If the media people had some courage, they would ignore the state of the nation address and its obscene fashion show.   

I like the notion of a daily five minute silent stoppage. I like the notion of black ribbons all over the country. That's not important. This link is:

http://aeinstein.org/nonviolentaction/198-methods-of-nonviolent-action/

:

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Muck You All

Muck you Julius Malema. No functioning country is built on  hatred, revenge, division. Hitler and his ilk were successful for a short time. You know that. Going down that road can only mean one or more of three things:

Stupidity 

A totally amoral cynicism and opportunism 

A reckless immaturity 

Muck you Jacob Zuma. Haven't you caused enough carnage and suffering? Even if you never took a tainted cent from anyone, the undeniable truth is that so much went to hell on your watch. And you giggled. The most honourable thing that you can do is to quietly muck off.

Muck you Cyril Ramaphosa. How could you sell our future for the mirage of ANC unity, an organization riddled with the moral equivalent of syphilis?

Muck all you politicians feeding off the fat of the land and spewing out meaningless doggerel from failed regimes and useless ideologies. All that we needed to hear is what you're doing about each challenge and what's been achieved. You wasted  our time and our potential fighting imaginary revolutions, tilting at rusted windmills. Dribbling at the mouth about a comrade-peopled utopia, built atop a foundation of tired cliches and slogans,  real pit toilets and crumbling infrastructure. Muck you.

Muck you opposition parties. This will be known as your wimpiest hour. Your country needed you. While catastrophic ruin was gnawing at our national backside,  you had infighting to do. 

You all knew what it would take:

Honesty 

Commonsense 

A dash of humility 

Compassion 

Being a mensch.

Too much to expect in Africa?

You all contributed to the destruction of our country.

Muck you all.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723