State Of Kakistan

 Dear Mr  President 

I did not watch your doubtlessly inspired and exciting state of the nation address. What could you possibly say about this major train wreck to persuade anyone with some sense that the train is still on track?

I went in for a different fictional series, on the telly at the same time. 'Kakistan Chronicles' is funnier than 'Yes Minister' and 'Yes Prime Minister'.  It does go over the top somewhat but you'll be used to that. It's a very dark comedy,  I recommend it, though you may be shocked at some of the all-too-familiar scenes and themes. It does come with a 'graphic, senseless violence and nonsensical language' warning.  

A very brief synopsis for your enjoyment. The country of Kakistan is blessed with scenic beauty and mineral wealth. The  most inept, corrupt and clueless clutch of politicians ever seen on one planet frolics around the country, 

Some priceless comic moments. A minister proposes erecting a hideously expensive peace monument in the midst of horrific unemployment and poverty. Another does an even more expensive sponsorship deal with a football club in another country. This is supposed to promote tourism. Unfortunately, ecoli and other nasties outnumber humans on the coast. Electricity flickers on and off like faulty neon. Yet another flies into Geneva but, like Clinton, denies intimate contact with Switzerland. There are many more uproariously funny moments but I shan't spoil the series for you, sir.

"Why doesn't he sack the whole bloody useless lot?" asks one of the characters in the series.

"No testicular fortitude", replies another.

"Hamlet syndrome", says another. "Walks around muttering 'To be or not to be' instead of doing something useful".

"Hamlet, at least, killed the crooked king in the end. This one would probably have kissed him".

Opposition politicians in the series fade into the background like extras. The exception is a firebrand revolutionary of sorts. He has some of the funniest lines in threats and insults. Also great dress sense. He spends a lot of time in the series marching his followers up and down, like the Noble Duke of York. With as much success.

As I said, sir, it's a little overwrought and sometimes challenges willing suspension of disbelief quite severely. Nothing like our gritty reality.

On that note, some tweets mocked Mr Malema for supposedly running away from the security people. Bloody agents spreading fake news, I'd say.  Mr Malema

once reportedly spoke of a revolutionary as a walking, killing machine. If he did indeed run away, it would only be to avoid the temptation to kill someone.

I left off watching the series at the point where the president, like you, was about to address the nation. That should be a hoot.

Yours in the struggle for inspiration.

Richard 

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Cool Your Spurs, SA Tourism

 Dear Mr Themba Khumalo

I understand your fierce defence of the brilliant Tottenham Hotspur  sponsorship idea. Some are dismissing it as an unnecessary extravagance. People don't understand the mesmerizing effect of tourism advertisements around the sports grounds. 

Recently, I was watching a brilliant Sharks winning try at  King's Park against a hopelessly outmatched Stormers side.

I was distracted by a stunning advertisement for a major bank. As in a trance, I immediately opened an account from my cellphone. (Had to close it later, as I had no money but I'm sure you get the point).

I imagine that similar scenes will be played out at Tottenham matches.

'Ere Ernie. Did you see what that stupid git of a referee just did?'

'Ang about Erbet. Just bookin meself a Kruger tour in South Africa.'

'Where's that then? Near Liverpool?'

'Africa, Erbet, Africa. Didn't you see that stunning advert? They got lions, elephants, tigers and them striped 'orses'.

'Brillo, mate! 'Ere, book us one too, 

while yere about it.'

The potential is staggering.

It's understandable that you were incensed at the person who leaked the plans to the media. 

That is a horrific thing, to disclose secret, sacred tourism plans. More serious than Don Trump storing top secret documents in his sock drawer. Next they'll be splashing our nuclear secrets all over social media.

It behooves you though, as acting tourism CEO (with top secret clearance), to handle these things calmly and with restraint. You apparently said that the leaker should be isolated. That's so pathetic. Whatever happened to good, old fashioned horsewhipping?  And public hanging? Next you'll be bowing to taxpayer pressure to disclose what you're doing with their taxes. Whatever for? Does Putin go around explaining himself? Or that Kim Something Rocket Boy?

You folks are getting disturbingly soft. Stalin would never have tolerated such nonsense.

What if Zimbabwe stole a march on us and sponsored Bayern-Munich? Those millions of tourists would be gawking at Mnangagwa's Zimbabwe ruins. Instead of enjoying candle lit dinners (and breakfasts and lunches) in our fine restaurants. Durban's pristine waters would be overlooked. Local criminals and foreign investors from neighbouring countries would miss opportunities.

Get those ads out there, sir. Let's have  those millions of soccer hoolig.., sorry, lovers, swarming over our borders, like the investors.

Yours in the struggle for stunningly innovative tourism initiatives.

Richard 

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Taking The Piss

 Dear Mr Mgambi

Like Mr Manyi, I too take strong exception to your 'reckless' use of language during the 'constitution urination' interview. In truth, I am quite pissed off.

Sir, One would expect a seasoned journalist to choose his words with greater care. What's wrong with the good Anglo Saxon word 'pissed'? 'Urinated' sounds rather pretentious; the sort of word that clever blacks and people with white tendencies might sling around when the subject of bladder function comes up at their Sandton parties.

Dr Google tells me that the word goes back to the Latin pissiare and in medieval times, the French pissier. There is a pleasant earthiness to the word and an almost onomatopoeic quality. The word 'urinate' suggests the use of a plastic container in the sterile surrounds of a clinic or laboratory. Mr Manyi was right to be outraged. If Mr Zuma did indeed piss on anything, I imagine he would have done it with his usual gusto and boldness. 

What's more, the piss word appears several times in the King James, for example: 'he that pisseth against the wall..' The word has an impeccable lineage. Incidentally, there is no mention of 'he that pisseth against the constitution'. Perhaps there was a little less tolerance for such activity back then. 

Mr Trump and an alarming number of other public figures in several parts have also been accused of reckless peeing on the relevant constitutions. You are not alone, Mr Zuma. 

Mr Zuma was accused of having gone the extra mile in peeing on the judiciary as well. Doubtless the arguments will rage on. But not for as long as Mr Zuma's tennis exchanges with the law. One empathizes. It must be frustrating to have one's deep desire for a day in court constantly thwarted by inconvenient illnesses and the struggle to find a  prosecutor of choice. Probably like needing to pee but struggling to find an appropriate  pissoir.

Yours in the struggle for proper, genteel use of language in journalism.

Richard 

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The Commander in Chief Has Spoken

Dear Mr Malema 

I apologize unreservedly.

I missed the news because of loadshedding. I am dismayed that I did not catch your coronation as Supreme Dick..., sorry, Dictator of South Africa. I bet it was something to see.

I realized that there's been a change in leadership only when I saw your stern commands below:

“Everything is going to come to a standstill. We don’t want to see a single truck moving. We don’t want to see a single train moving. We don’t want to see a single bus moving, unless it is taking people to the picket lines"....

Of course, these must be obeyed. I shall certainly not set foot near the workplace on 20 March. Mainly because I don't have a job, but that's beside the point. 

I enjoy the firm way in which you wield the power and authority vested in you. None of this 'My fellow South Africans' mamby pamby stuff. And your old fashioned courtesy, of course. I think that's what so endeared you to South Africans. That would also explain your party's phenomenal success in recent polls. Charisma and a great bedside manner are an irresistible combination. As a Commander in Chief you could have taught that half-mustachioed Austrian fellow a thing or two. I bet your minio....., sorry, your members, leap to obey.

Despite your unconditional authority, you are not above employing gentle persuasion and sweet reason. Another endearing trait. The excerpt below is a wonderful example:

"On the 20th, if you know what is good for you, park your trucks in your depots...”  

That concern for what is good for us. Grabs our hearts every time. Makes one want to  bellow out the national anthem. It's your big, generous heart that has you so concerned about illegal investors finding creative ways to come and fellowship in our grand mess.

I see that on the 20th we'll be demanding electricity and for Mr Ramaphosa to step down. Good stuff. I assume we'll have all that on the 21st. Worth the wait, then. Will you be replacing him with Steenhuisen?

Sir, I think only one thing remains: A statue of you in every public square.

Something just popped into my head about another Julius and the Ides of March. What the heck, it was probably a different date. And the guy was Italian anyway. 

I'm not sure what 'Sieg Heil' means, but it has a nice ring. So here's siegheiling you!

Yours in the struggle for strong African leadership.

Richard 

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Zuma Returns

 Dear Mr Zuma 

Congratulations.  You are living proof of the truth of the ancient Eastern proverb:  'You cannot keep a good dancer down'. Like Montezuma's revenge, you return.

Chairman of Sanco sounds almost as impressive as His Excellency President Zuma. More melodious, I would say.

 I can see the Ankolites laughi...., I mean, squirming, as you once more grasp the reins of power. The name of this organization, Sanco, is surely on the lips of every South African  - and those who have found creative ways to invest in the Beloved Country. In fact, I found myself mumbling 'Sanco' this very morning, as I awoke from a dream of being pursued by CIA handlers of various South African politicians.

For the unenlightened, Sanco, the South African National Civic Organization, 'endeavours to promote nation-building, the notion of a developmental state, socio-economic and political development, reconstruction, transformation, peace, prosperity and social cohesion.' 

Just your average 'let's change the world with a couple of apple pie-in-the-sky pronouncements' organization. 

South Africa is littered with their successes and achievements.

Great things to come, fellow South Africans, great things. Inevitably, the haters, spoilers and other sinister types tried to rain on the glorious parade with this:

'Real' Sanco KZN rubbishes ‘circus’ conference, says Zuma's election was illegal dlvr.it/Shf0m0

Sir, I would ignore them. I am sure that Abelungu are behind this. You just continue to promote nation-building, peace, social cohesion and all the other stuff that you were doing so well, before you were rudely interrupted.

Some malicious people made snide comments about your seemingly miraculously restored health (after your release from prison on grounds of ill health).  Have not you and Mr Shaik  demonstrated, beyond argument, the remarkable healing powers of golf and the soft shoe shuffle?

Others, consumed by jealousy, make sneering remarks about your age. As I've said before, the bard must have had you in mind when he wrote:

Age has not withered him 

Nor custom staled his infinite variety 

(Something like that).

Besides, Abraham had a child at the age of 100. Not that I'm suggesting...

Yours in the struggle for relevance.

Richard 

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The Nero School Of South African Politics

 Dear ANC and EFF 

I am intrigued by your bold initiatives to improve the lot of the poor and the disadvantaged. 

This inspirational news item:

The ANC-led eThekwini Municipality wasted R500,000 in 40 minutes after ‘sabotaging’ a special council meeting it had called to elect a new deputy mayor on Thursday (Daily Maverick)

A friend says that, as you continue, in this vein, in the valiant struggle against WMC, Stratcom, other abbreviations, apartheid and van Riebeeck, the poor shall be disadvantaged no more. They will be f...d instead. I'm a little perplexed by that (he's one of those clever blacks that one keeps hearing about).

I am a little disappointed that, instead of applying an African solution to an African problem, you followed the lead of a white European (I'm assuming that there are Europeans of other hues). Remember that Nero chappie? He who danced the Jerusalema or something while Rome burned. He was nuts, of course. You, clearly, are not. It takes great clarity of mind to pull off something as devious as you did.

I also find your approach to politics and electioneering most enlightened. There's something about a succulent lamb chop on the braai, a T shirt artistically embroidered with revolutionary slogans, that just makes those problems of corruption, incompetence and neglect melt away. Don't pay any attention to that nebulous stuff about integrity, service delivery, vision etc. That's just colonialistspeak. It's a subtle form of racism. After all, where would we be if we'd paid attention to that nonsense?  Do you think the comrades would have had their mansions, cars and gym-toned midriffs?

.

Comrades, 2024 beckons like the handwriting on Belshazzar's wall. Just as portentous. I am sure that you have meat wholesalers to scope out, T-shirt tenders to attend to (BBBEE suppliers, of course). All those onerous burdens of the dedicated People's Party. 

No doubt the voters will pay rapt attention to your ranti..., pardon, your reasoned arguments in favour of peace, prosperity and goodwill to all illegal immigrants. No doubt they will make wise choices based on the answers to the hard questions, such as:

 Whose heaven on earth sounds most enticing?

 Who does the best chops?

 Which branded T-shirt looks best?

Before I reluctantly take my leave of you (for I grow in your presence),  a small matter: when will you be paying back the money?

Yours in the struggle for competent, ethical government.

Richard 

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Something Fundamentally Wrong

Dear Fellow South Africans 

You might have seen the video. An African-American preacher slams black leaders and rants about what a mess South Africa is.  

"There's something wrong with the black man" was his constant refrain.

It was a rather demented, racist rant  -  

the sort of thing that results from smoking some 'bad shit'. There was certainly something wrong with that black man. 

Those of you who claim that black people cannot be racist (via some cruelly tortured logic), come this side, as the Twitterati say. You might find yourselves agreeing with Barack that 'Yes, we can'. Truth is, you can be anything vile that you want to be. Why limit yourself?

Back to the preacher man. It's simple, Stupid. People are vile or virtuous by choice. A  book's cover tells you diddly squat about its quality. History, research and expert opinion aside, your own life's journey should have told you this fundamental truth: 

A mensch is a mensch is a mensch. A mampara is a mampara is a mampara.

Unlike the Model T Ford, they come in many shades. 

But the man was right about the uniquely South African mess. There's something wrong with our democracy.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a democracy that allows looters  to swagger around, wiping pie crumbs and jam and gravy smears from their mouths. This, in the face of honest people barely getting by. And those who simply starve.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a democracy that relegates its citizens to being a cinema audience at the real life movie about the destruction of their hopes, their dreams, their futures. And that of their children's children. 

There's something deeply wrong about the helplessness of citizens in their own country, in the face of abuse. Echoes of the dark days of apartheid. Is this the most subtle version of state capture? 

Something is fundamentally wrong when incompetents and delinquents strut the stage, thrusting their pendulous bellies in our faces.  We gag on the stench of their expensive fragrances but can't leave. 

Something's wrong when most of the country is at the ship rails, shouting 'Watch out for the iceberg!'. But captain and crew are engaged in esoteric discussions over KFC. Something deeply, dangerously wrong is in play.  This is not government for the people by the people.

Power without morality, ethics or decency is destroying us. I don't know how much attention the comrades give to such matters but they are the things that lift us a level above the marauding monkeys of Durban. Then there's competence, too. Our guys know all about skimming off the cream. The milk of human kindness  - now that's a different story.

And when you think you've heard enough to make you want to throw up, a story like this:

The ANC-led eThekwini Municipality wasted R500,000 in 40 minutes after ‘sabotaging’ a special council meeting it had called to elect a new deputy mayor on Thursday (Daily Maverick).

ANC and EFF voters, behold your champions!  The arrogance, the obscenity, the middle finger thrust in your face. There's something fundamentally wrong with a democracy that encourages this nonsense.

Yours in the struggle for sanity.

Richard 

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