The Chronicles: Time Of Plagues

When the reign of  King Jayzed was ended, there came forth another out of the tribe of the Ancites.

Ram Pozaar sat but a few days upon the throne when a plague spread throughout the whole earth.  The king tarried not but gathered his ministers and counsellors about him. And a decree went through the land that every man, woman and child should hasten to their abodes, shut the doors and there abide for a season. The people were well pleased and did hasten to obey. And many praised the king for his wisdom.

At that time, B'eki, son of Chella, the king's minister, rose up to speak. 

"There is a curse upon the  Beloved Land", said he. "Because of those who go to drink wine from morning till evening. Behold their violence   reaches to the heavens. Let us stop every wine vat and shut up the doors of the wine merchants".

And so it was done according to his word. But some  of the people did mutter and grumble, saying:

"Does not wine gladden the heart? Shall there be no more laughter upon our lips? Indeed, the times are dark and full of sorrow".

Then there arose also a  minister called Endeezed and she proclaimed in a loud voice:

"Those who burn strange incense do bring sickness upon the land. Away with them and the smoke of their abominable sacrifices". And the burners of incense and the merchants were commanded to refrain from all that they did. And again there arose in the land the sound of mourning and murmering. But the son of Chella, filled with indignation, sought out the rebellious ones, to bind them and cast them into prison.

And the king and his ministers stored up grain for there was hunger in the land. And they sent for grain from foreign lands until the storehouses were filled. But lo, there came forth a plague of vermin and they devoured the grain to the last morsel. Then there went up in the land a great cry as of mourning and anger. And some stood forth and cried out:

"Behold the Ancites have brought upon us a sore plague. It is from their own houses and sewers that the vermin spring forth. Make clean your own houses ere you would command us in ours". 

And one among the Ancites proclaimed:

"Judge us not for is not this the curse of the Natites, the rulers of old? Upon their heads be it". But the people stopped their ears and gnashed their teeth.

 For their anger burned as a fiery furnace.

Here end the chronicles for the future is not written in the hand of scribes.

Reach For The Skies

Dear ANC Cabinet

Here is the solution to SAA's woes.

Don't throw any more money at this chronically ailing cash crocodile.

Who flies faster and lower across the country than the minibus taxi people? Who delivers millions of people to destinations across the land? Whose wrecks litter ..., oops,sorry, that slipped in. Flying is already in the blood of our taxi drivers. It's just a matter of learning to take off and land. My twelve year old nephew does that daily on his flight simulation game. 

Let the minibus taxi industry reach for the skies. Advantages are numerous. 

Some taxis resemble veterans of world war two tank battles. Anyone who can keep those on the road will have no trouble with aircraft maintenance. Do away with expensive airport infrastructure and staff. A couple of queue marshalls will whip everybody into line (literally, if necessary).

Unencumbered by the JMPD and other traffic police, our pilots are bound to make record times. Away with cumbersome booking and payment systems. Take a leaf out of the Book Of Taxi. Passengers line up on the runways and give the appropriate signals. A thumbs up for Durban, two for Cape Town. Two fingers up for the Eastern Cape. A limp-wristed thumbs down for Limpopo etc. The passenger in the front seat collects and counts the money - efficient and egalitarian. Passengers will thrill to the genuine South African travel experience. 

Flight plans - who needs them? Everyone knows where Durban is.  Joe's magwinyas and skop (sheep's head) alongside Ocean Basket will provide the ultimate South African dining experience in the terminal. There is a hotel providing 'a township experience' at more than R1000 a night. So, don't think that this is a bizarre notion. On the contrary, it will serve to unite the two South Africas. 

There we are: a simple South African solution, based on a working model. 

Yours in the struggle for efficiency.

Richard

Defence Of The Realm

Dear Mr Mnangagwa

So your courageous security people uncovered a plot to overthrow your duly elected government. By a journalist and an opposition politician. Dangerous combination. Sounds like the kind of threat Tom Cruise would face in one of the missions impossible. I just don't know how your guys do it. Time and again. So many threats, so little time. 

Sir, have your very capable people investigated thoroughly? This could be just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. What about your ministers and army people? Don't you think there may also be nurses, doctors, HR managers, street sweepers and others involved? Motive and opportunity are there, as the best TV crime series advise. I would look closely at postmen. They could carry all sorts of things besides letters.There might be some sinister symbolism behind their always knocking twice. There may well be a hotbed of agitators and subversives, all dressed in sheepskin coats. Why not simply lock up every tenth person, just to be sure. Better safe than overthrown. 

As for the US involvement, one wonders what they may be after in Zimbabwe. The banana crop maybe? Or is it the nuts? (I've been told that they thrive in your fertile soil). I knew from the start that Trump was up to no good with the constant tweeting. There they go, 'interfering in the course of justice' by Twitter. Is there no limit to their depravity? After all, which country can boast that their mills of justice grind as swiftly and surely as yours? It is not difficult to guess that the other foreign power you refer to is the little satan, Britain. From time immemorial they have been sticking their noses into your business. Probably to detract from their own problems back home. Which road is named after Boris Johnson? You have ten.

Yours in the struggle against counter-revolutionaries.

Richard

The Sting

Dear Fellow South Africans

Along with Covid came Corruption and a veritable army of Con Artists. Our own three horsemen of the apocalypse. There is apparently an ANC meeting to discuss corruption in all its varied, colourful forms. That's alright, then.

A friend told me recently of a gold and diamond business promising handsome returns to investors. Feeling a prickling sensation, like the memory of an old wasp sting, I quickly turned to faithful Google. 'Carte Blanche', the investigative TV programme, and scourge of many con artists, immediately came up alongside the name of the fabled company. My friend groaned. As well he might. The company was as solid as a child's soap bubble.

I avoid, like the virus, any organization whose name begins with the word 'Crowd'. Crowdwajo's barely literate ramblings should have been warning enough for us. Crowd 1 is being investigated and already smells like one of the pit toilets the tenderpreneurs neglected. A crowd farming venture last year gave it's investors only one thing: the startling discovery that chickens can fly. Far and fast. Crowd ANC also scares me.

I believe in network marketing. It's one of the few ways that an ordinary Joe can be in business without paying an arm and a leg plus several organs. But, dear investor, ask at least the following questions:

Show me your registration. Any answer that includes 'um' and 'er' is your cue to flee as if the devil were after you. And indeed, he is.

Describe your product or service. Pixie dust does not qualify.

Who are the founders or the executive? Check these against Interpol lists.

You know that network marketing is hard, time-consuming work - like any business. At least three things make it harder in South Africa:

Justified suspicion and cynicism.

The cost of products, regardless of how good the quality might be.

The realization that hits eager - beaver affiliates quite early that this is hard work. And it's not a sprint.

Then there are the con artists.

Walk softly. Bonne Chance.

Yours in the struggle.

Richard

No River Runs Through It

Mr Zuma is back in the news. That reminds me that I need to pay tribute to him for his contribution to geography. A letter I wrote to him:

Dear Mr Former President 

Now that time lies lightly or heavily upon your hands, I feel emboldened to make this request.

Ever since your continent-shaking geography lesson, I have been haunted by perplexing questions and shadowy suspicions. To quote the troubled prince: 'Sir, in my soul there was a kind of fighting that would not let me sleep.' You were president. You had at your disposal researchers, academics, the secret service and boundless resources. Do I believe you or my geography teachers? It's a no-brainer. If you say that all other continents can fit into ours, that's good enough for me. If you say that no river runs through it, why then, so it is. 

That tells me that our former colonial masters, not content with colonizing our lands, have perpetrated the same perfidy on our minds. Witness the monstrous lies in our geography text books and maps. Typically, Africa is shown at a fraction of her actual size. Anything to make us look small. 'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery'. I'm with Bob Marley on that one (and Uncle Bob in his time). 

To that end, I plan to begin by re-drawing world maps as they should be. My cousin, Joe, is an artist of no mean talent. His works adorn many walls in our Germiston suburb (Philistines call it graffiti). He finishes serving his sentence for so-called 'repeated acts of vandalism' in a few days. We would like you, Mr Former President, to be our patron as we change the course of, if not history, at least a few rivers. 

In addition, please do consent to be an expert witness in my lawsuit against my geography teachers and the education establishment. I plan to sue for mental anguish caused, loss of opportunity and income and several other injuries I will have conjured up by the time you read this. To quote from that art classic 'Body Heat': "We'll sue those reckless b#%^ dry". 

Yours in the struggle for true, mind-liberating education.

Richard 

Robocop

Dear Minister Of Police

Some time ago I read with great consternation of a flight crew that was robbed in Sandton. What really alarmed me was that they had reportedly stopped at a robot when the robbery took place.

Sir, the South African public would dearly like to know what robots are doing on the streets of Sandton? Why do they not have traffic lights like every other suburb? Is this Sandton one upmanship? Even in Japan, where robots do everything short of marriage counselling, they are not allowed to run amok on the city streets. I find it most irresponsible on the part of the authorities. Have they not seen The Matrix? Do we not have enough trouble with roving bands of ruthless, lawless smokers and drinkers?

I suggest that your efficient police force takes a break from chasing down the bandits mentioned above. Perhaps an elite unit should be formed immediately. Call them Robocops. Surely, bands of marauding robots are a greater threat to our idyllic South African way of life. A friend has a theory that government has already been infiltrated. He says that some of the logic and behaviour in those quarters is neither normal nor human. He is a great kidder.

Sir, I trust that you will take as personal an interest in this alarming development as you do in cigarette and alcohol related shenanigans.

Please do keep us informed, with the same eloquent, crystal-clear flow of information that we've been fed during this difficult time.

Yours in the struggle against cyber-crime.

Richard

Road To Ruin

Dear Mr Mnangagwa

I read that you wanted to name ten roads after yourself. Nice round number and should cover most of the country. Also one way to ensure that you go down in history. Some people say they'd love to see you go down - period.

I imagine this does make giving and taking directions quite simple. Directions to the ruins would probably go something like:

"Take Mnangagwa Road out of Bulawayo and keep going north until you reach Mnangagwa Drive after about 100 kilometres.

 The road does get pretty bumpy but hang in there. You're bound to find the ruins - can't miss them with this new mnanagwarization of the road systems. About 60 Km down Mnangagwa Drive, look out for Mnangagwa Crescent on the left (where else?). Follow that for 70 kilometres, then watch for the on-ramp to Mnangagwa Highway. By this time, signs and pointers to the ruins will be just about everywhere.  Zimbabwean drivers don't really need the markers. It's a well known route. South Africans and others, though, need to read the signs quite carefully."

Mr Mnangagwa, I trust that you also have a statue or two in mind. I think you need to make sure that you at least keep pace with your predecessor.

Yours in the quest for immorality..., oops, immortality.

Richard