Comedian Sues Political Parties

A stand-up comedian is suing a large number of politicians and political parties. They are, he accuses, unfairly drawing audiences away from stand-up comedy, using the most reprehensible, underhand tactics.

They are not members of the Entertainers' Guild. They have never paid a cent in membership dues. They perform under the guise of making political speeches. As there is no apparent charge (see the next sentence), the competition is grossly unfair to professional comedians. To make matters worse, they are heavily, no, entirely, subsidized by taxpayers. And they are packing in the eager, laughing crowds in stadiums and halls around the country.

He cited the  politicians' joke that there has been no expropriation without compensation to date and alarmists should stop exaggerating. One may give crack dealers automatic weapons, he said, but until they have been used, there is no cause for alarm. Besides, all that's required is an assurance that the weapons are only for recreational purposes  - shooting cans in the bush. That is a poor analogy -  insulting too. Crack dealers have very little integrity. But they do have a teeny bit. whereas the average South African politician.... Actually there are very few average South African politicians. The majority are well below average. Mostly a cadre of 30% graduates of real world politics. But our best and brightest comedians cannot compete with the material churned out by the shy but brilliant speech writers.

Talking of integrity, look at how Ms Baleka Mbete cracked up an international audience during her Al Jazeera interview. Who can top the piece about the politician who went from gaol to head up the party's integrity committee. The tags just kept flowing.

 "I don't believe he was guilty".

"The judge did, but then again, he's just a judge". 

In a sort of reverse Monopoly gambit, the gentleman went straight from gaol, bypassed 'Begin', and probably collected a bit  more than R200.

It's hard to beat the one about the discovery of hazenile in South Africa, announced at an international mining conference. The only deposits are to be found in an April Fool spoof article in a mining magazine. 

The 'Red Pig' helicopter story almost tops the Wakanda - like hazenile discovery. With the same level of care and attention to detail, it was announced from some government basement that a parliamentary group would be visiting an airforce base to inspect the Rooivark helicopter, a marvel of South African ingenuity. That one fairly crackled with wit and humour. While many maintain that it was a typing error or worse, I stubbornly and hopefully cling to the belief that South Africa quietly built a helicopter vastly superior to the Rooivalk. It would certainly give the grunts on the ground much reassurance.

When a performer starts his routine with something like  "The highly ethical and fastest-growing political Party in Africa, uMkhonto WeSizwe, under the magnificent leadership of His Excellency President Jacob Zuma...", he has the audience in the palm of his hand, while they simultaneously roll in the aisles like EFF politicians at a municipal or parliamentary punch up. By the time he gets to such gems as "The Moses of today, His Excellency President Jacob Zuma. Under divine leadership,  President Zuma continues to fight enemies here and abroad for the economic freedom of ordinary South Africans...",  the need for ambulances and medical practitioners has become urgent. Yes, I can see where the complainant is coming from. Who can hope to compete with the piercing wit, the immortal one - liners, punchlines that devastate like a George Foreman roundhouse? 

South Africans, why do you complain? Our bellies may not be full but where else in the world has a nation been fed such an extravagant buffet of belly laughs? And that, said our claimant, is but the top of the tip of the rapidly melting iceberg.

When the claim succeeds, said our man, moneys will go to a fund for struggling artists (as opposed to struggle artists, of whom we have a plentiful but seemingly useless abundance).

I believe that he has a strong - to - open - and- shut case.

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The Mar-a-Largo Candidate

Explaining what makes Vladimir Putin a cruel, vicious dictator is as redundant as explaining what makes Count Dracula a  vampire.

Nonetheless, some of my friends, (including a famous Honourable Daughter),  see him as the modern equivalent of the Great White Father Across the Sea. So, for them, here are a few subtle hints.

It is common cause that anyone brave or foolish enough to speak against the Frowning One quickly ends up in the place - where - one - does - not - pass - begin nor receive R200.

His political opponents seem to routinely end up in the same place, or dead, or all of the above. 

A small detail that seems to have escaped the attention of that philosopher - statesman, Donald Trump, is that Vladimir is the cruel aggressor and invader in the Ukraine Special Operation. 

He ticks all the duck detection boxes, as applied to bullies, tyrants and dictators.

He looks like one, talks like one, walks like one. Ergo, he is one.

Of course the proof of the pudding is, as always, in the eating and it would be enlightening for the Great White Father worshippers to spend some time in Russia and shoot their mouths off with gay abandon. 

If Russia is indeed the forerunner of the Brave New World, then many economic and political refugees have not noticed. They do not exactly crowd the ships and planes to get there.  Many people express the desire to move to the great Satan,  the USA. There may be some who would give anything to move to the Big Cabbage, Moscow. I have not come across anyone who does. Perhaps you have. 

What is wrong with Donald? What does Donald Trump see that makes him worship  at Putin's throne? It seems as if he would willingly burn down Ukraine to please Vladimir. On that note,  let's make a prediction, namely that given all the leeway, this bugger (Trump), will burn the whole world down. The world needs leaders with compassion, character, competence and cool heads. The USA has gone for gigantic ego, hot heads, dubious character and bluster. That's not exactly a recipe for healing chicken soup for the world. So back to the question of why Trump's heart beats rapidly at the thought of Putin. Some possibilities.

Perhaps Trump is not as smart as he's reputed to be. Or he may be street smart, which doesn't always mean wise. 

Could Putin have something on him? Did he perhaps have a meaningful relationship with, say, a Russian actress?

Does he simply admire the man because he's always wanted to be a dictator himself when he grows up?

Is there perhaps a Brokeback Mountain thing going on here in plain sight of the whole world?

Here's my theory in the form of a short story. 

A masseuse  in an up market, elegant  massage parlour leaves her client to disrobe in the cubicle while she makes an urgent call. 

"Comrade,  the orange - haired man is here. Shall I now use the special lotion that you gave me?"

"Excellent. Yes, go ahead". 

"Is it true, comrade, that the lotion will release nanobots through his skin". 

"Da, comrade. These will make their way to the relevant part of the brain and every time he hears the word 'Putin', he will go into the ecstasy that a spaniel goes into when the master shows up"

For Manchurian Candidate, substitute Mar-a-Largo Candidate. 

That very afternoon, Trump's secretary pops into his office.

"I'm done for the day, sir, and if it's okay with you, I'd like to put in an extra day's leave after Thanksgiving."

"Thank you Stella. Of course you may".

He pauses. A blankness, like a veil, falls over his face.  His eyes glaze over. He mutters the words "put in". 

"Are you alright sir?"

He gives himself a shake. 

"Yes, yes. I'm fine. You go off and enjoy yourself". 

As the secretary's footsteps echo down the corridor, he picks up his telephone.

"Vladimir", he says.  "What do you need me for? You know that I'm yours to command."

"Ah, Donald, my good and faithful friend," says the heavily accented voice at the other end. Yes, there is this thing with Ukraine...."

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

 Is Mr De Ruiter  back at Eskom? 

That's the only explanation for this new plunge into accustomed darkness. After all, if memory serves, the ANC and friends dubbed him the prince of darkness, blaming him for our power troubles. I recall Mr Mbalula calling him a racist and a 'right wing', both of which characteristics are bound to destroy any power utility. The 'right wing' thing put me off my favourite KFC offering for months.

And things were going so smoothly before the national elections. Cynical South Africans read all sorts of nasty things into the coincidental timing. Of course it's coincidental. These things happen. Have you not noticed an increase in acts of generosity, visibility and church attendance by politicians around election season? Just part of the mystical rhythm of life - like the seasons.

No sooner had we voted in municipal elections than the lights all went out in Massachusetts. A fitting metaphor, perhaps.  Now repeated after national elections. Could it be that the universe is  telling us something, fellow South Africans?

There's a more prosaic explanation, namely that  past performance is usually a reliable indicator for future performance. Ah, but we are slow to learn. So caught up are we in airy revolutions, gorging on racial hatred, resentment, the joys of victimhood and the other pastimes that make South Africa a 'green and pleasant land', that commonsense and the plain truth elude us. The ANC can neither do the barest basics expected of a government, nor just tell the truth about what the devil is really going on. Still, so many windmills to tilt at, so little time.

There is really only one revolution that matters. Liberation from the tyranny of group think,  useless slogans, clichès and the lies and manipulation that cover a multitude of politicians' sins. In the confessional, these would include:

Broken promises, 

Commitment to incompetence and buffoonery,

Lies by commission and omission, 

Corruption and winking at corruption,

A mystifying lack of humility that never acknowledges the failures, the lack of knowledge and / or ability that shine as brightly as the Durban sunshine,

Failure to lay out a vision and a strategy that South Africans can get behind,

Promoting division, resentment and racism,

And, as the advertisers say, there's more.

There's much careless talk of treason following Afriforum's activities in the United States.

But what about the list above? How's that for a concerted, diligent and already partially successful attempt to destroy the country?

Bend it any way you wish but a government that, over decades, cannot keep the lights on, nor address the issue coherently and intelligently is not worthy of the name.

But, vote on, dear fellow South Africans. That, too, is part of the mystical rhythm of life in the beloved country.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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O Tichmann 

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Ramaphosa Goes to Washington

Encouraged by the  courteous, constructive discussions between Zelensky and the top men in Washington, Ramaphosa arrives at the Oval Office. 

Bouyed up by optimism, he wears a smile and has been careful to wear his best suit (out of respect for the sanctity of his surrounds). 

Trump: Welcome to Washington,  Mr Ramaposer. How was your voyage from South Sudan?

Ramaphosa: South Africa. And we flew.

Trump: That's what I meant.

Vance: South Sudan, South Africa. It's all Africa, isn't it?

Ramaphosa (frostily): Mr Vance, have you ever been to South Africa?

Vance: No, but I've watched YouTube videos. 

Trump: Mr Ramaposer, I'll be frank. We are unhappy about your attacks on the mighty dollar. You can't have it both ways: accepting our aid and attacking our currency.

Ramaphosa: That's not true. I personally kept billions of dollars under my....awkward pause.

Trump: We've given you billions in aid. Never once have you thanked us.

Ramaphosa: You've taken billions in gold, diamonds and other minerals from us and paid peanuts. Never once have you thanked us.

Trump: I don't like your tone, Mr Ramaposer.  You disrespect the Oval Office. (Wagging a finger). Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Vance chimes in. And you didn't wipe your shoes properly when you came in.

Ramaphos: ,  I find your comments patronizing and I'm insulted by the racist undertones. Would you be speaking like this to a European head of state?

Trump: You should have seen the going over we gave Zelensky. 

 Trump and Vance exchange glances and chuckle.

Trump: I'm offended by the racism slur. Some of my best friends are African Americans -  and Mexicans. But you should be a lot more careful about the company you keep if you're serious about having a positive relationship with the great USA. 

Ramaphosa (Huffily): We are a sovereign state. We won't be dictated to about our relationships.

Trump, red in the face:  Sovereign state! You're nothing but a shi....

Trump's stabbing forefinger connects with Ramaphosa's eye, just as the latter leans forward to fire off an angry retort. Ramaphosa swats the finger away. A shoving match gets underway.

"How dare you assault POTUS in the Oval Office!" Vance yells, crossing himself.

Heads bump and, in a reflex action, Ramaphosa shoots out a left jab. Trump reels, then headbutts Ramaphosa. Both men fall to the floor, clutching their heads. Vance gets in a couple of kicks to Ramaphosa's ribs. Secret service agents run up, guns drawn.

Trump rises unsteadily, hands raised to still the pandemonium and get the agents to back off.

"Ha, ha. Just a bit of robust diplomacy,  folks",  he says, helping Ramaphosa to his feet. 

"Of course, you fake news people will blow this out of all proportion. Thank goodness for real news channels like Fox." 

Fox journalists nod vigorously while erasing some footage.

"If we world leaders can't be honest with one another, what's the world coming to? Eh, Ramaposer?"

Ramaphosa nods shakily, dusting himself off and adjusting his tie.

Trump: Well, that was a fruitful exchange, wasn't it? Now, Mr Ramaposer, about AGOA....

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723