Encouraged by the courteous, constructive discussions between Zelensky and the top men in Washington, Ramaphosa arrives at the Oval Office.
Bouyed up by optimism, he wears a smile and has been careful to wear his best suit (out of respect for the sanctity of his surrounds).
Trump: Welcome to Washington, Mr Ramaposer. How was your voyage from South Sudan?
Ramaphosa: South Africa. And we flew.
Trump: That's what I meant.
Vance: South Sudan, South Africa. It's all Africa, isn't it?
Ramaphosa (frostily): Mr Vance, have you ever been to South Africa?
Vance: No, but I've watched YouTube videos.
Trump: Mr Ramaposer, I'll be frank. We are unhappy about your attacks on the mighty dollar. You can't have it both ways: accepting our aid and attacking our currency.
Ramaphosa: That's not true. I personally kept billions of dollars under my....awkward pause.
Trump: We've given you billions in aid. Never once have you thanked us.
Ramaphosa: You've taken billions in gold, diamonds and other minerals from us and paid peanuts. Never once have you thanked us.
Trump: I don't like your tone, Mr Ramaposer. You disrespect the Oval Office. (Wagging a finger). Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Vance chimes in. And you didn't wipe your shoes properly when you came in.
Ramaphos: , I find your comments patronizing and I'm insulted by the racist undertones. Would you be speaking like this to a European head of state?
Trump: You should have seen the going over we gave Zelensky.
Trump and Vance exchange glances and chuckle.
Trump: I'm offended by the racism slur. Some of my best friends are African Americans - and Mexicans. But you should be a lot more careful about the company you keep if you're serious about having a positive relationship with the great USA.
Ramaphosa (Huffily): We are a sovereign state. We won't be dictated to about our relationships.
Trump, red in the face: Sovereign state! You're nothing but a shi....
Trump's stabbing forefinger connects with Ramaphosa's eye, just as the latter leans forward to fire off an angry retort. Ramaphosa swats the finger away. A shoving match gets underway.
"How dare you assault POTUS in the Oval Office!" Vance yells, crossing himself.
Heads bump and, in a reflex action, Ramaphosa shoots out a left jab. Trump reels, then headbutts Ramaphosa. Both men fall to the floor, clutching their heads. Vance gets in a couple of kicks to Ramaphosa's ribs. Secret service agents run up, guns drawn.
Trump rises unsteadily, hands raised to still the pandemonium and get the agents to back off.
"Ha, ha. Just a bit of robust diplomacy, folks", he says, helping Ramaphosa to his feet.
"Of course, you fake news people will blow this out of all proportion. Thank goodness for real news channels like Fox."
Fox journalists nod vigorously while erasing some footage.
"If we world leaders can't be honest with one another, what's the world coming to? Eh, Ramaposer?"
Ramaphosa nods shakily, dusting himself off and adjusting his tie.
Trump: Well, that was a fruitful exchange, wasn't it? Now, Mr Ramaposer, about AGOA....
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
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