If - The Looters' Version

 Free translation from Rudyard Kipling's 'If'

If you can keep your loot when all about you   

 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust the Cause when all men doubt it,

 But do some spinning for their doubting too;   

If you can take and not be tired by taking,

 Or being criticized, don’t give a toss,

Or being hated, don’t give way to doubt,

And keep on looking  good, and talking wise:

If you can dream—and turn your dreams to moolah ;   

 If you can think—and not let that distract you;   

If you can meet commissions and investigations

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the stuff you've  spoken

Twisted by lawyers to make a trap for you,

Or watch the things you gave your life to get attached,

And stoop and build ’em up with tenders new:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

 And risk it on some nifty German cars,

And lose, and start again on a new tender

 And never breathe a word about your boss;

If you can charm your cronies and constituents 

To serve your turn long after they are done,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in them

Except the Lie which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and know your slogans,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the sticky touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Simply because you know too much,

If all men count with you, but mostly those with bucks;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of looting done,   

Yours is this land and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a party Man, my son!

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Step Aside Dance Craze

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

It's a good time to be South African. We took the world by storm with the 'Jerusalema' dance craze. 

The 'Step Aside' is bound to be even bigger. What's heartwarming is that our politicians are leading the way with some nifty steps. It's unfortunate that some have been overcome by shyness. We need to try harder to get them onto the dance floor. It's good for health.

The 'Step' incorporates moonwalking, wiggling, jumps, spinning, crawling  - anything goes. Age is no deterrent. Some of our best dancers are senior citizens. And boy, do they move!

The beauty of the Step Aside is that, (like 'Private Dancer'), any old music will do. Best is a lively tune with lots of instrumentals and vocals. But I have seen it performed brilliantly to slower tunes like 'Steal Away' and Isaac Hayes's 'Guilty'. The exception is Bryan Adams's 'Please Forgive Me'. Awkward. Just doesn't have the right rhythm.

I suggest that all South Africans celebrate the New Dusk by dancing the 'Step Aside'.

Yours in the love of South African dance classics.

Richard

Righteous Kill (in defence of Mr Malema)

 Dear Mr Malema 

There's been quite a fuss over the incident below:

"Don’t make noise here, we are here to listen, don’t make noise here. I will f*ck you up outside, I will kill you outside, I will kill you. You do not know me,” Malema is heard saying to a fellow PAP member during a heated altercation"

You have been heavily criticised. Let's look at this incident in perspective. (If the report is accurate and not concocted by one of the bloody agents careering around the country).

You emphasized that you would kill the person OUTSIDE . This is typical of your respectful attitude to parliament. How would it look having a corpse littering the floors of those hallowed halls? And one that had not only been killed but f*cked up as well. Good thinking, sir, even in the heat of an altercation.

I'm totally with you on the noise issue. Psychologists tell us that listening is like oxygen to people dying to be heard. Your record on fighting for the rights of people to be heard speaks for itself. As does your aversion to bullying and hooliganism. I think you've demonstrated this in various parts of the country. If you'll just let me get my records...Hmm, Brackenfell, parliament, Clicks, altercation with policeman... Er, let's get back to that later.

  

You also pointed out that the person did not know you. It is a basic courtesy to introduce oneself to the prospective victim. Can't fault you there, sir. 

You made a sound argument for rotation of the PAP presidency (great acronym). One way to facilitate that is to remove the odd member more or less permanently. It would seem the person in question was decidedly odd. You were reportedly moved to call him a 'thing'.

''Remove this thing from the house. We are not going to sit here and be bullied by this guy," he said.

Sir, we live in difficult, dangerous times. 'The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.' Warms one's heart to see someone stand up for decency, democracy, respect, peaceful discussion. Even if it means f*cking someone up to achieve them.

Yours in the fight for peace.

Richard 

Last Post

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

So The Last Post is playing for the South African Post Office.

I am shocked.

I thought that had already happened some time ago. No-one should be surprised. It's not as if we didn't see the woolly mammoth in the room. Incompetence, poor leadership and management, sleeping at the wheel - surprisingly, they lead, without exception, to collapse. Our government clings to this model. 'Failed state' prophecies should not surprise us. None of this is political science 301. It's 'bite you in the butt' common sense.

Here's more. If you don't know how to do something, ask those who do. If your leaders and managers fail consistently, the enterprise will fail. Replace them. Poor performance is a good predictor of future poor performance. Arrest it. Before it's too late. Case in point.

It would be wrong to say that the ANC led government has failed miserably. 'Monumentally', 'abysmally', 'catastrophically' come to mind.

Singing, dancing, posturing and mouthing pious irrelevancies never fed anyone. I checked on Google.

The other woolly mammoth in the room is: who will go down first, this national albatross or South Africa? Rather like that other philosophical question: which came first...? 

Well, if (when?) it comes to that, I suppose we'll go down dancing to Jerusalema or something. Like the band that played on. 

Opposition parties, can you spare some change?

Yours in the struggle against cynicism.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

The Radical Economic Transformation Show

 Dear Ms Myeni 

Great delayi..., sorry, tactical move. I also used the right to an interpreter in an unfair disciplinary hearing. At the time of the alleged offence, I was thinking in German. It just made sense to ask for a German interpreter. After all, how does one express the concept of 'Weltschmerz' in English? 

You mentioned the love that the commission seemed to have for Mr Zuma. What's not to love? We've had some nine years of his charismatic presence and influence. We've contributed to his many adventures one way or another. He has kept us guessing or transfixed or all of the above, for so long. Like the character in the song, we just never can say goodbye. 

I suspect that you will also be coming in for a sizeable chunk of love. I warm up to you more and more with each appearance.  

I don't understand why so many South Africans associate your and Mr Zuma's interesting manoeuvres with reluctance to face the music. So unreasonable. After all, you've made it clear that you don't want to incriminate yourself (who would?). He's made it clear that he wants his day in court and has beans to spill. Just those little obstacles of inconvenient friendships , possible prosecutor bias, illness, national and international spies etc. Perfectly reasonable stuff. I read about that sort of thing regularly in the Daily Sun and espionage and courtroom thrillers.  

I am even now watching (with great affection) Dr Ace, Supraman, Mr Gigaba and others, captured...by news cameras, outside a Pietermaritzburg courtroom. Commander Carl would have added a nice, military presence, smart, as always, in his olive green fatigues. What a great company you all make. I haven't seen anything as exciting since Boswell and Wilkie's came to town. 

Who needs justice, truth, integrity or any of those fanciful notions when we can have thrills. Jobs, safety, education, security, opportunity - those can wait. The show must go on, mustn't it? The crowds outside the courtroom would surely agree. 

Viva, long live and all that.

Affectionately 

Richard 

By The Book

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am outraged. 

I am a voracious reader. I swallow whole the works of such thinkers as Dr Ace, Minister Fearbuggerall and Ms Duarte. The Daily Sun keeps me abreast (no pun intended) of the latest in the twilight world of the undead and things fleshly. Occasional light reading includes offerings from EFF and other ANC luminaries. I've read most of the works of that English chap from Stratford on Avon. The comic book versions have nice artwork. (I particularly like the one of Hamlet leaping from a balcony to despatch the villainous king. Ah, great literature).

Now I learn that this is a highly sought after skill in some government departments (or is it only SARS). I picked this up in a back issue of the State Capture Commission stuff.

And here I have been doing it for nothing.

Ms Mthebule was clearly highly competent. I can see her turning pages swiftly, gracefully, soundlessly. A performance deserving of over R2 million. I can read silently and aloud in five languages, including Wentworth slang. I have a passion for books. My shelves hold a massive collection sourced from various municipal libraries.

Why should I not be offered a similar opportunity? 

ANC government, I await your call.

Yours in the struggle for decent, meaningful jobs.

Richard 

 

Voting With Feet

 Dear Ms Mazibuko

Like many other South Africans, I too, was outraged on viewing the chicken feet video. It showed the kind of poor judgement of which the Party has so often been guilty. Chicken necks would have been a better choice. More meat. Value for money. 

Nevertheless, I commend you for your support of the local economy. 

“ It is known that wherever I go, I buy food in the community to support the local economy. Fat [cakes] are my favourite. But I decided to apologise because there were things said [on the video] that may not sit well with people."

I myself run a fatcake stall. Please let me know when you'll be campaigning in the area. I'll ensure a plentiful supply as you are big on support. Please bring more than R30. The fatcakes are made with eleven secret herbs and spices. A tribute to the other national dish so favoured by the Party.

I have heard of people voting with their feet. Campaigning with chicken feet is a new one. The Party has always been creative. I suppose we can chalk this up as another good story. Then there's the symbolism. In some countries (details to follow), chicken feet are a symbol for hard work: scratching in the dirt, scrabbling around.....

I do hope that you shared the chicken feet in the community. I would guess that you did have other chicken parts waiting back home. A good, wholesome meal after a hard day's campaigning. I trust that the voters were as impressed as I am. 

As for apologizing, whatever for? Honesty in campaigning is refreshing. As rare as an admission at the Zondo Commission. As uncommon as a well-run municipality. Do keep it up. Bon appetit.

One hopes the voters will follow your fine example: vote with their feet.

Yours in the struggle for meaty, transparent election campaigns.

Richard