Met Ys / With Ice

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Like you, I'm sure, I've been concerned about the aggression, scorn and anger poured out on social media.

 At times we seem to be such an angry, frustrated, fragmented nation. All is not lost. Mr Malema was once reported to have retorted to Mr Kriel of Afriforum: "You are drunk on Klipdrift and coke". (I assume he meant Coca-Cola, not the powdery stuff). This had to do with moneys reportedly paid to Afriforum after a (yet another) lawsuit. Another angry outburst, I thought. 

Then I re-read the piece, more attentively. He said 'Klipdrift', not 'brandy'. Not just any brandy. Now how would Mr Malema know that the respected klippies was Mr Kriel's favourite tipple? This points to insider knowledge. One can only assume that they must have raised a glass or two together. So what sounded like an angry shot across the bows may well have been some friendly ribbing. 

 To those of you uttering a disbelieving 'haibo', let me refer you the English House of Commons. MPs savage one another mercilessly, then have a friendly drink together. It's so reassuring to know that our own politicos are capable of such maturity and good humour. A lesson to us all in a mature, big-hearted approach to problem solving. 

I can picture the two of them, sipping their klippies and coke before a roaring log fire, chuckling over the lawyers' antics. 

 Remember the popular 'Met Ys' advertisement for Klipdrift? Here's an opportunity to go one better. Courtroom scenes shot in sombre black and white, warm sepia tones for the fireplace scenes - a classic. Potential award winner. 

 Shall we raise a glass in salute to these two gentlemen and the fine example that they are? 

Met ys, ja.

 Richard

Wallflowers - Supporting Mr Gigaba

Mr Gigaba is back in the news. Here is a supportive letter that I wrote to him some time ago.

 Dear Mr Gigaba

 You have my sympathy empathy and understanding. How awful that you attended those social gatherings in Saxonworld and elsewhere and were not afforded even the courtesy of an introduction. 

 I myself underwent a whole year of therapy after the trauma of a similar Wallflower experience. Even now I shudder at the memory. I would highly recommend Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbaumen, should you feel the need for a good analyst. While my experience was a one-off, I imagine that the trauma was ratcheted up several notches as you suffered repeated exposure to the cold shoulder. I can picture you slouching in a corner, your glass of red wine slowly turning lukewarm as you sat despondently while the animated discussion and gusts of laughter wafted by you. 

People just do not realise how soul-destroying the Wallflower experience can be. Being a kindred soul in suffering I suggest that we meet at the Saxonworld establishment for some cathartic sharing and unburdening over a comforting beverage. We could establish WA, Wallflowers Anonymous. We are certain to be inundated with applications from politicians and officials who suffered in like fashion, attending functions but being treated like the Invisible Man by those churlish cads.

 May I also invite you to my favourite Germiston haunts where the welcome is always warm. Pat's Bar and Joe's Tavern are cradles of culture where one may freely may freely and lustily cheer the Sharks, Pirates and the Proteas in convivial company. Even the occasional fistfights are conducted in a fair and friendly spirit.

 I look forward to hearing from you.  

Yours in the quest for warm South African hospitality.

 Richard

Lockdown

Dear criminals

 Isn't life strange? It rather looks as if that virus is going to accomplish what our respected police force has failed dismally at: keep you bas.., sorry gentlemen off the streets.

 I do hope you spend your time wisely. I can recommend some good books, including The Good Book, which has many interesting thoughts on your line of business. I believe that you will meet many kindred spirits in several of the stories. If you have not already liberated a copy, I'd be happy to leave one for you at a convenient spot.

 Although I feel as much sympathy for you as I did for Darth Vader, I have thought of a way to brighten your day. Consider this a work from home opportunity. If you send detailed instructions, I will rob myself twice a week. One does want to do it properly, you know, standard operating procedures and all that. I'm happy to video the whole thing if that will add some spice. 

 I imagine that many of you have solid experience of lockdown situations, having been guests of the state. You might want to give back (whoa, wait till I finish) a little and share on how you survived them. Just the activities that normal folk can relate to, please.You know what I mean: monopoly, checkers etc. 

I guess it would be too much to hope that this will be a life-changing experience for you, so let's just leave it at that. 

 Yours in the struggle to stay safe and healthy. 

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Thuma Mina (Send Me)

Dear Gupta Family

 I am deeply disappointed after watching some of the recent Zondo Commission episodes. I think that it is a travesty of justice and other stuff that you did not make the list of top ten best companies to work for. 

I admire your no-nonsense approach to business procedures. Your payroll procedures, for example. Bags of cash are so much easier to conc..., I mean, handle than EFTs, bank interest charges and all that bureaucratic stuff. Mattresses, jam jars and holes in the garden were good enough for our forebears. I'm all for preserving culture and tradition.

 Your compensation plan seems as competitive as they get. In my entire career, I've only had two similar offers. One was a public relations junket for a family concern on an island near the 'toe' of Italy's 'boot'. The other was a sales management job for a Colombian pharmaceutical company. 

 But, to business. I am wildly enthusiastic about joining your enterprise. I believe that I'd make an ideal employee from a culture - fit and skills perspective. Some of my attributes: Flexibility: I am willing to do anything legal - or at least leaning in that general direction. A rubber band could not be more elastic. Goal driven: My career goal is to make a substantial pil..,sorry, contribution to a worthy cause. Willingness: I will shred, burn and even eat documents should the need arise. And the pric.., er, cause be right. Maturity and Reasonableness : I read some time ago of someone who turned down a sweetener with a fair number of zeroes in it. For that sort of reasonable incentive, I could be sweeter than the fattest honeycomb.  

I am willing to be interviewed at that watering hole made famous by Mr Molefe. I am equally willing to skip straight to the signing of contracts. Drinks on me on successful conclusion. 

 Yours in the struggle for enlightenment in the world of work.  

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Game Of Clones

King Ramer Pozar stared into the fireplace, shivering despite the warmth. He threw a log onto the fire and sighed; a thousand fires to put out in the kingdom.

 If only he could concentrate his forces on one enemy. Lord Stonehouse in the West grew stronger daily. The so-called Mother of Dragons had returned to support him. Though many regarded her as a meddlesome plotter, past her prime, she could be a formidable foe. 

 And what of Lord Malma? There was a menace in his eerie silence greater than his ranting and threats. Even Lord Herman in the North was flexing his muscles, gathering a ragged army of malcontents. 

 The kingdom was shrouded in snow and blizzards tore at fields and dwelling places. The White Walkers, it was whispered abroad, were up to their devilry of old. The name of Lord Rupert was but one spoken of in hushed tones. The Wildings were rampaging through the battered, tormented countryside, looting and burning every village in sight. They were once - loyal citizens and nobles gone rogue, gone wild with greed. Hence the name. The people's cries for help had turned to curses and open, treasonous talk of rebellion. 

 And where were his generals? Lord Chella seemed to chase every will-'o -the-wisp. His boasts of victories over the Wildings were sounding increasingly hollow. News of fresh Wilding outrages came almost hourly. Lord McGushulla seemed to be as scorned and despised of late as were those marauding bandits. Accusations were being made that he was in alliance with them. Was, in fact, the secret Lord Commander. Lady Endiazed......he held his head in his hands. How had it come to this? 

 The wind shrieked wildly, as if in mocking reply. A fresh fall of snow blotted out everything beyond the window pane.

 So bitterly cold.

 So hard this Game Of Clones.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Why The Mongols Never Invaded Africa

The scene: boardroom of the Mongol executive, Genghis Kahn presiding. Aroma of spiced tea and Mongolian stir-fry waft through the carpeted ger (yurt).

 "I say, chaps, it's been another good year. Many lands coming under beneficent Mongol rule. Trade and tributes swelling our coffers. It's a yak market." 

 Applause and smiles all round. "He's been talking this way since we moved into Europe", murmurs one executive to another. "Calls it business language". 

 "Great Kahn, at whose voice the whole earth trembles...", begins one of the younger executives. 

 "Save that stuff for the public meetings, Temujin. But speak. You are a man of learning and knowledge. What would you have us know?".

 "Sire, on the southern tip of the Dark Continent lies a fertile land of great riches...".

 "Why is it so named? Dark Continent?". 

 "There is a tribe that goes through the land from time to time, extinguishing all lights that they may do their business in darkness. They are much feared and are known as the Esscom". 

 "Most peculiar. What else should we know of this land". 

 "They are ruled by a tribe of fat ones, yet many of the people live in poverty and want". 

 "Why do they not rise up?" 

 "Well, Sire, they themselves choose the fat ones in a kurultai, much as we have". 

 "What manner of people is this? Shall a wolf be chosen to guard the sheep?" 

 "It is a land of mystery and magic. They have a saying: Better the wolf you know".

 "Better the....Surely this is a cursed people. Or drunk on strange potions". 

 "It is said that many of the people inhale a mysterious incense which renders them insensible or prone to great mirth at things of no significance. Sire, they may be ripe for conquest but surely it is a land of strange things and sorcery." 

 "You speak wisely, Temujin. We are warriors, conquerors. But, of sorcerers, we know little. We shall not venture into that cursed land. Better the wolf you know, indeed!" 

Murmers of assent. 

Secretary crosses Africa off to-do list.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Sun Also Rises

 Dear Daily Sun

The time has come, as the walrus famously declared, to acknowledge your contribution to the work of the free press in South Africa. 

While other publications focus on the tangible and the obvious, you have crawled into the dark, bubbling underbelly of life in the beloved country. You have experienced and faithfully recorded each foul eruption as it burps forth successive tales, each stranger than the one before.  Truly, Bill, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy. Tokoloshes, zombies and others one dare not mention in polite company (yours, dear reader).

Anyone can report on corruption and the like. It takes nerves of steel and the instincts of a champion bloodhound to stay on the track of the terrifying creatures that go eish in the night. We salute you. Were it not for you, we would be blissfully unaware and unprepared. As it is, my bed stands on extra-large bricks. I have an armoury filled with garlic, salt and other weapons of ghoul destruction. Unlike the ANC and the so -sudden tsunami of corruption, I  will not be caught unprepared.

Where I once faithfully read The Star and The Sunday Times for news, I now refer to them only for the TV guide. For real news, 'Die son sien alles'. En nog wat. After all, what could be more of a 'clear and present danger' than the spectre of  the undead roaming the land, seeking unsuspecting prey? Aided and abetted, no doubt, by the vertically challenged ones. 

Where are the Hawks when we need them? And our intelligence agencies? Surely they could mount an undercover operation. Some of them should have no problems posing as zombies. With their skills and training, I mean.

Thank you for the fresh perspective on what really matters in South Africa.

One must also commend you on your muscular use of language. "Kwaito Star Moers Neighbour' has an earthy eloquence. Beats the hell out of "Musician Assaults Neighbour". You go for the cro..., er, jugular. Rock on

Yours in the pursuit of great stories (ANC has the franchise on good stories).

Richard