Out Of South Africa

 Dear American, European, Asian And Other Tourists

We, in South Africa, will soon be producing Covid vaccines like Henry Ford on steroids. One of our erudite politicians had an Edison moment. Now all we need to do is purchase or steal one vaccine, reverse engineer it,  and, presto, we'll be rolling the suckers off the line as deftly as skilled Durbanites roll a special brand of local tobacco.

When that happens, you will surely want to visit our beautiful country. We have just celebrated a huge anniversary of the liberation movement that reinvented itself as Comedy Central and is home to many brilliant alternative business pioneers. A good time to visit.

This is a lightning guide to some South African cities worth the visit.

 'Durban', translates from the local language as Place Of Great Burning. So named for the weather and the wonderful array of spicy dishes on offer. Until you have sweated your way through a delicious Durban 'bunny chow' you haven't lived. See Naples

 and die. Eat bunnies and have a similar experience. Tropical fruits are in abundance and many have made their way into local government.

It is a myth that savage beasts roam the streets of South African cities. Except in Johannesburg. The dangers have been grossly exaggerated though. Take normal precautions. Stay in your room all day. And night. Johannesburg has a fascinating history. Towering old mine dumps bear silent testimony to the gruelling work done by miners. Towering old rubbish dumps bear silent testimony to the gruelling work done by striking garbage removal workers.

Cape Town is a city of breathtaking sea and mountain views. The eccentric citizens hold quaint and charming, if outdated views on preserving natural and architectural treasures. Also on making the city people-friendly. This is in complete contrast to our other world class African cities. A growing movement of wild-eyed, mildly dangerous secessionists gives the city an exciting, edgy flavour.

Johannesburg is the city that never sleeps, Bloemfontein the city that never wakes. Known as the City Of Roses, because, like their rugby team, that was the best they could do. 

Of Port Elizabeth, little is known, even by South Africans. Some maintain that it is a mythical city, shrouded in mists and lashed by wind and rain. As the inhabitants never travel to other cities, it remains a delicious mystery to explore on your visit.

More to follow. 

Yours in the struggle to unveil the mysteries of the intermittently dark continent.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Dear Aunt Sally - Anniversary Anxieties

 Dear Aunt Sally

I know that you usually give advice on matters of the heart. My problem is also in the nature of a romance gone horribly wrong. 

It does involve very large numbers of people (nothing to do with swingers or orgies) but I'm sure it's not that different from the relationship problems that land on your desk. 

You see, I inherited a large organization that was once the people's sweetheart. I fear that I have grasped the deadliest of poisoned chalices. It was all sweetness and light at the outset. Wine, roses and sunshine. We made the vows that lovers make under a smiling sun. But infidelity has long been the curse of our institution. Many of our people have turned from tenderness to tenders. The affairs have ranged from gross to abominable. There is not a vow left unbroken. Worse still, they are, as the poet put it:

..not expecting pardon, 

Hardened in heart anew..

I have not slept through the night for weeks. The cruellest irony is that we have a large anniversary celebration coming up. I have been unable to get beyond the first line of the speech I'm expected to give.

Dear Aunt Sally, what, oh what, do I say after 'Dear Fellow South Africans'?

Yours in the mother of struggles.

Anonymous

 

The Capitol

 Dear American People 

You've been slow in catching up to the rest of us sh..hole countries.

There were cries of 'scandalous attack on democracy' from various people highly skilled at stating the obvious (key skill in a politician's CV). Democracy has been thoroughly moered, (as the Daily Sun would probably put it), on our continent for as long as I can remember. 

Of course, the minute you guys started  emulating us, the rest was inevitable. You dispensed with irritating logic and commonsense, just as we did. Then you elected a stand-up comedian, just as we did. We know about your proud boast that any American child can become president. Did you really have to go all out to prove it? The guy was barely out of short pants intellectually. We can make the same boast but singing and dancing are essential prerequisite skills. That, and a total absence of what we used to term 'skaam cells' back in Wentworth.

Talking of singing and dancing, we've learned that protest, whether violent or non-violent is best accompanied by a couple of rousing choruses and some nifty stepping. I am willing to come over as a visiting professor to discourse on these nuggets of South African wisdom. 

We also have touchingly loyal, but highly sensitive, ground forces who will support disgraced / inept / corrupt politicians to the very end. As someone said, in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar (slightly retouched): 'even if he had disembowelled their mothers, they would still have run after him'.

Of course, we have an advantage. Chris Barnard performed the first human heart transplant operation. Our government has mastered non-invasive brain transplant surgery. And we don't even need donors. A food parcel here, a braai there, a bit of pungent horse manure, and voila...

Just one question: did your president also tweet, as did one of our wise, revered politicians: 'Ground forces: Attack'. That would have made a ringing final soundbite.

Welcome to sh..hole territory.

Richard 

Crowdfunding Appeal

 If you enjoy my blog, a donation of one rand / dollar / pound etc would be most welcome. 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

This would go towards:

Publishing a trio of books

Legal fees (defence against lawsuits)

A regular supply of nutritious magwinyas (South Africa's answer to the bagel)

If you don't enjoy the blog or are offended, a donation of 50c would be poetic revenge.

Zim dollars, kwacha and cowrie shells accepted. 

No amount is too large.

Gratefully yours in the struggle to stay afloat.

Richard 

Taking The Bull

 Dear Ms Duarte 

There is no polite way to say this. It needs saying for our sanity.

I thought I might be going too far and too hard when I wrote this:

"If George Orwell had written 2020 in South Africa:

The party's ever-present slogans fluttered proudly from deserted dairy farms, vandalized railway stations and scorched public buildings:

INCOMPETENCE IS HEROISM

DECAY IS PROGRESS

BULLSHIT IS TRUTH"

Clearly not. Yours must be the Ministry Of Truth, then. Atop the steaming pile that has issued from various Party quarters, proudly perches your contribution. South Africa without the ANC could result in civil war. Comrade Tony did nothing wrong.

Madam, any discussion of these offerings would be as futile as analyzing the utterances of Chicken Little. As foolish as taking the temperature of a freshly deposited pile of droppings  by plunging one's hands into it. Why you persist, nay, accelerate in this headlong plunge into other-worldly logic is a far more interesting avenue to explore.

I don't think you are on bad crack or Durban's best (seeds not removed). Tempting as that assumption may be.

Could you be topping the office pool on who can make the most ludicrous utterances? Without being committed. That's understandable, then.

Is it the Zuma anointing? 

Is it a Macbeth situation: i am in bullshit stepped in so far,  that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o'er?

I do understand that it could just be that there's no logical or sane argument on this planet anymore for voting for the Party.

Have I hit the mark? Am I at least as warm as one of those piles?

Yours in the struggle to survive the avalanche of animal waste.

Richard 

Yes Minister Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

I was in bed by 8.30 pm, half an hour before your appointed time. Just showing my regard and respect. Besides, there's a mother of thunderstorms over our part of Durban. I love nothing more than to listen to the rumbling and crashing of thunder. Reminds me so much of the Party. Also the other party that is in perpetual marching motion. Also,  of course of the words of dear old Macbeth:

'It is a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing'

I just mention the last. No underlying meaning. Making conversation. I know you love chatting. Saw you having a fatherly chat with the fellow who neglected to wear a mask. You also wisely warned him not to linger (ungalingi). Sir, you are good at this stuff. Lecturing people, grandst.., sorry, standing at roadblocks, stopping dangerous filming on beaches.. Is there not some ministry that could use your talent to the full? Anyone can manage the business of bringing dangerous but boring criminals to justice. But this thing you do, sir, now that's something special. A sort of Bruce Lee or Jedi of the tongue-lashing on camera. Play to your strengths, the HR gurus tell us. Flow. My wish for you for 2021 is that you find that niche. Let some less talented, one track minded fellow do the law and order thing.

Incidentally, while on my way to the loo, I absentmindedly looked through the telescope in the attic. My neighbour was in his garage well after 9pm. Probably receiving a consignment of liquor. Please look into that. The address is below. 

Yours in the fierce struggle against crime and disobedience.

 Richard

Just Not Cricket?

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Please help. 

Watching SABC TV is almost as absorbing as watching dung beetles on a slow day. I turned to the cricket test for some relief.

I know little about the game. After this morning's session, I feel as if I know even less. A presenter described the game as strenuous, demanding. 'Ha', I thought.  I saw batsmen relaxing at the wicket, strolling around and chatting. Then I learned that the game lasts five days. I've seen football matches run an extra half hour. Tennis matches that last a few hours. But five days! Is this not cruel and unusual punishment? Do the players do it willingly? Or are they pressured into it?

My suspicions were heightened when a commentator said that the South African target is lunch. Logic tells us that the target should be one run more than the Sri Lankan score. Good heavens, these chaps are starving. It's no wonder we struggle in the big competitions.

Another alarming comment was that Mickey Arthur, the Sri Lankan coach,  is worried by injuries. If the coach is getting injured, then there's more to this game than meets the eye. None of it good.

'He (a bowler) needs to ask questions of the South African batsmen', was another perplexing comment. So why doesn't he do it during those chat breaks? What questions? 'Would you rather I hit you on the head or on the ribs?' might be a logical one. I hope it's not general knowledge stuff like: 'Which comes first; South Africa or the ANC?' The game's slow enough as it is.

When the talk turned to leg spinning (surely physically impossible), chirping (is this a Sri Lankan thing?) and other stuff that hadn't the remotest connection to any sport I know, I turned off the sound.

Is this normal in cricket matches? Please let me know.

Yours in the struggle for understanding.

Richard