Pushing Garbage

 Are advertisers dumb? Or do they, like many politicians, assume that we are dumb? The garbage from both parties seems to come from the same kitchen.

Still, fun to ponder on if you need an escape from the ANC / EFF / Whats Their Name reality show (the one that makes the Kardashians look like intellectual giants).

If we go by the ads, most of South Africa's problems can be solved by certain brands of bread, booze and over - the - counter pharmaceuticals. Still, I'm willing to give it a shot. I'll bring some loaves to the next EFF or MKMVA march. And some KFC.

 

'Do you own your skin?', asks one ad. I thought I did, until the question came up. At least on a three score and ten year lease. Is this also covered by Expropriation Without Compensation? Apparently my skin determines how courageous and loving I am. And here I was thinking I might be lacking in moral fibre. It's just a skin problem. Slap on some lotion and bingo! Please send crates to all South African politicians and civil servants.

 "Have you ever been turned down for a funeral?" read one on Facebook. 

Well, that's a bit difficult to answer. I haven't had need of one - yet. It's going to be harder to answer when I do need one. I don't think it will be my problem anyway.

How about some gritty, relevant ads that reflect our reality.

Here's an example:

Camera lingers on Fred, enjoying a sundowner on his porch, lovingly stroking the shiny, metallic surface of his new acquisition. Voice over:

'Are you afraid that your ten foot electrified fence and pack of Dobermans won't keep you safe? Fear no more. The Gatling 20M will shred everything within a hundred square metres."

 

"I used to fear the Gauteng sunsets." Fred smiles. "No more."

Fires a practice burst.

 "Cheers."

Now that's a realistic advertisement.

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane...and Baby Joe and...

 I am with Piet Rampedi.

The simple truth is that, in South Africa, things disappear. Millions, billions and trillions disappear. Police dockets disappear. An air - walking pastor disappears. A friend's first pension payout disappeared. Grown criminals disappear. At the Zondo Commission memory disappears. What is so unusual about ten babies disappearing?

Once more, the deceitful WMC press tries to distract us. Instead of focusing on the real issue, they denigrate Mr Rampedi. The real issue, of course, is: what is causing the mysterious disappearences? The possibilities are many. I would cast an eye in the general direction of Stellenbosch. A veritable viper's nest of strange and unnatural activities, according to my sources in the RET (no, not that RET; the Relevant Events Trackers) WhatsApp group. Pravin Gordhan, that shadowy manipulator, would be a person of interest too.

Mr Rampedi has been accused of lowering journalistic standards. Not possible. That was done long ago. Just watch certain TV stations and peruse back issues of some newspapers. At any rate, this was as good a story as any I've read in my favourite zombie and tokoloshe hunting publication. A story pregnant with possibilities.

Cynics may ask why the journalist didn't see the babies first. Here's the perfectly reasonable answer, quoted from a news report.

' “In our cultural beliefs, babies and pregnancies are very fragile things. We usually don’t like focusing [on] and disclosing such things, especially now that these babies are premature and still in incubators,” Mathapelo told local broadcaster Enca at the time, when the news anchor asked her when the world would get to see the babies.'

And now, see what's happened. They were right to be cautious.

Bushiri

 Dear Shepherd Bushiri 

With today being Sunday, my mind gravitated to matters spiritual. 

I'm trying to choose between you and Brother Alph Lukau. Tough choice. Bro Alph has brought at least one person back from the other side. He shattered the myth that you only live once.

You apparently claimed that you can walk on air. Is that how you evaded the South African authorities? South African Airways could have benefited from your expertise. Some cynics maintain that evading the South African police falls far short of the miraculous. I believe you. if I owned four private planes and other expensive goodies, I'd also be walking on air. Just curious as to how you deal with turbulence.

Some say that you are a wolf in shepherd's clothes. Still, there's clear evidence of the miraculous at work. Charges of rape, fraud and other less than sheperdly doings follow you. Yet thousands of followers pour their hard-earned cash into your miraculous enterprises. And hang on to your every syllable. I struggle to gain a hundred followers on Twitter. 

In an interview, you blamed racism for negative comments and perceptions. That's a new one.

ECG is an interesting acronym for your church. What would an ecg test reveal about its spiritual heart? No doubt the finances are healthy. You should consider just calling your cul..., sorry, brand of faith 'Bushiri'. It's all about you. Echoes of the Japanese bushido code. You are, after all, a sort of mystic ninja.

Yours in the spiritual struggle. 

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Pap

I understand how the Pan African Parliament got the name 'pap'.

I listened to a radio broadcast of the proceedings. A cacophony; swearing, yells in several languages - sounds of the average shebeen in full Friday night swing.

'Let me explain how we got here', said the reporter. No need, madam. It is the familiar 'tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying', in the elegant phrasing of our own parliamentarians, 'fokol'.

The same happens at the AU, we were told. That's alright then. Comforting. I learnt that the pap is an organ of the AU. If the AU were a person, it would probably be an organ situated somewhere to the rear. Judging by the sounds.

The previous chairman, according to our reporter, wanted to continue his influence through his chosen one. 'He wants to rule from the grave.' Mr Malema could probably help him with that.

The uproar seemed to centre on getting a clerk to read a letter. What horrendous challenges the politicians face on this continent. They need our prayers.

Also influencing from the grave were those omnipresent colonialists. We were told that language and colonialism influenced voting. The French speaking bloc sticks together. As does the English speaking bloc. You just can't keep a dead colonialist down.

Throughout the bedlam, a lone voice called out repeatedly: "Call the police."

Hugo, bel die polisie.

If - The Looters' Version

 Free translation from Rudyard Kipling's 'If'

If you can keep your loot when all about you   

 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust the Cause when all men doubt it,

 But do some spinning for their doubting too;   

If you can take and not be tired by taking,

 Or being criticized, don’t give a toss,

Or being hated, don’t give way to doubt,

And keep on looking  good, and talking wise:

If you can dream—and turn your dreams to moolah ;   

 If you can think—and not let that distract you;   

If you can meet commissions and investigations

And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the stuff you've  spoken

Twisted by lawyers to make a trap for you,

Or watch the things you gave your life to get attached,

And stoop and build ’em up with tenders new:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

 And risk it on some nifty German cars,

And lose, and start again on a new tender

 And never breathe a word about your boss;

If you can charm your cronies and constituents 

To serve your turn long after they are done,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in them

Except the Lie which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and know your slogans,   

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the sticky touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

Simply because you know too much,

If all men count with you, but mostly those with bucks;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of looting done,   

Yours is this land and everything that’s in it,   

And—which is more—you’ll be a party Man, my son!

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Step Aside Dance Craze

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

It's a good time to be South African. We took the world by storm with the 'Jerusalema' dance craze. 

The 'Step Aside' is bound to be even bigger. What's heartwarming is that our politicians are leading the way with some nifty steps. It's unfortunate that some have been overcome by shyness. We need to try harder to get them onto the dance floor. It's good for health.

The 'Step' incorporates moonwalking, wiggling, jumps, spinning, crawling  - anything goes. Age is no deterrent. Some of our best dancers are senior citizens. And boy, do they move!

The beauty of the Step Aside is that, (like 'Private Dancer'), any old music will do. Best is a lively tune with lots of instrumentals and vocals. But I have seen it performed brilliantly to slower tunes like 'Steal Away' and Isaac Hayes's 'Guilty'. The exception is Bryan Adams's 'Please Forgive Me'. Awkward. Just doesn't have the right rhythm.

I suggest that all South Africans celebrate the New Dusk by dancing the 'Step Aside'.

Yours in the love of South African dance classics.

Richard

Righteous Kill (in defence of Mr Malema)

 Dear Mr Malema 

There's been quite a fuss over the incident below:

"Don’t make noise here, we are here to listen, don’t make noise here. I will f*ck you up outside, I will kill you outside, I will kill you. You do not know me,” Malema is heard saying to a fellow PAP member during a heated altercation"

You have been heavily criticised. Let's look at this incident in perspective. (If the report is accurate and not concocted by one of the bloody agents careering around the country).

You emphasized that you would kill the person OUTSIDE . This is typical of your respectful attitude to parliament. How would it look having a corpse littering the floors of those hallowed halls? And one that had not only been killed but f*cked up as well. Good thinking, sir, even in the heat of an altercation.

I'm totally with you on the noise issue. Psychologists tell us that listening is like oxygen to people dying to be heard. Your record on fighting for the rights of people to be heard speaks for itself. As does your aversion to bullying and hooliganism. I think you've demonstrated this in various parts of the country. If you'll just let me get my records...Hmm, Brackenfell, parliament, Clicks, altercation with policeman... Er, let's get back to that later.

  

You also pointed out that the person did not know you. It is a basic courtesy to introduce oneself to the prospective victim. Can't fault you there, sir. 

You made a sound argument for rotation of the PAP presidency (great acronym). One way to facilitate that is to remove the odd member more or less permanently. It would seem the person in question was decidedly odd. You were reportedly moved to call him a 'thing'.

''Remove this thing from the house. We are not going to sit here and be bullied by this guy," he said.

Sir, we live in difficult, dangerous times. 'The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.' Warms one's heart to see someone stand up for decency, democracy, respect, peaceful discussion. Even if it means f*cking someone up to achieve them.

Yours in the fight for peace.

Richard