Bravo Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

I must congratulate you on your reassuring appearances on TV and elsewhere during this difficult time.

I apologize for not having actually caught any of them. Been too busy, dodging thugs and looters. I do know, though, that you will have been on top of all this. Just as you were when we were in grave danger from surfers, smokers, boozers and other desperadoes. You handled those in fine style, enabling us to sleep secure in the knowledge that we are protected.

I imagine that you out - sellecked Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods. The calm but steely demeanour. The gravitas. The iconic good guy's black hat. He was only a commissioner and as minister, you have him licked. Besides, he's a Yank and what do they know about real, professional policing. They've never had to hold a desperate, crazed surfer at bay. Or deal with a cunning, law-breaking hawker. Or a dangerous curfew-breaker. All of which you've done with distinction.

Sir, please let us know when next you will be giving the nation words of comfort and reassurance.

Wouldn't miss it for the world - or what's left of KZN.

Yours in the struggle for law and order.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Legacy

 "Tell us again about the struggle days, Grandpa."

"Well, I'll never forget my first battle. Fists, feet and weapons flying. I fought like a tiger."

"Did you win, Grandpa?"

"I got a TV set and a computer before the police arrived."

"Wow!" The grandchildren look reverently at the large flat screen TV dominating the lounge space.

"After that, you could say I was a veteran. Beer and grocery trucks, factories, schools, you name it. We fought the good fight up and down the province."

"Why did you call it RET?"

"Because we returned the economy to its rightful owners. The people."

"So you took it all back from the oppressors?"

"Yes, we burnt the lot to ashes. Taught them a lesson they'll never forget."

"Gosh, Grandpa, you had an exciting life."

"Yes, my children." With a grand sweep of his arm, Grandpa takes in the scenery outside. Burnt trucks litter the verges of the roads, blackened skeletons of buildings dot the green countryside.

"And one day, all this will be yours."

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Doctors, Engineers And Teachers Without Borders

 Dear South African Recruiters

I am a great fan of South Africa. 

I notice that your country has been doing a great job in tackling the unemployment problem. In Cuba and on the African continent. I plan to come over soon. I understand that there's a good flow of traffic at the Limpopo crossing. 

I am available for any jobs in healthcare, engineering, math tuition or all of the above. My CV and certified copies of certificates are attached. I did have some misunderstandings with the authorities but have never been cau.., I mean, convicted of a crime.  I see that your prominent politicians are strong on the 'innocent until proven guilty' principle. Clearly, the rule of law is paramount.

On that note, I'm very impressed at the leeway given to people to plead their cases. Your former president is my example. He seems a very nice chap. So many friends. I was a little puzzled when I saw only one chap of Caucasian persuasion (looking a little awkward with shield and spear, but still impressive). Given that you are the rainbow nation. I'm also impressed at how your law seems so open to interpretation and debate. For the people, I suppose. Also, having watched one of your legal people at work (TV news), I think I might even be able to do a bit of that. Weekends maybe.

By the way, it's comforting to know that should I ever be charged for a serious offence (e.g. going maskless or accidentally buying alcohol), I have several options.

I look forward to contributing to the great South African melting pot.

Yours in the struggle for a borderless Sou.., sorry, Africa.

Richard 

Relentless

 Dear Media People

Dr Ace Magashule was interviewed at inKhaaandla. For some ten minutes he used a lot of words to say absolutely nothing of consequence. It was worse than his famous 'I had a meeting with Zuma but it was not a meeting.....' ramble. 

This is clearly a man that has nothing useful or intelligible to say. Why do you foist this nonsense on us? It's not news. 'What we have here is a (massive) failure to communicate' (Cool Hand Luke).

The news anchor congratulated the reporter on his 'relentless' questioning. I missed the relentless part. Where were the questions on why someone who reminds us that he is a leader:

  Is not doing what leaders do: calming a potentially explosive situation,

  Calling for safe, sensible behaviour,

   Supporting the rule of law?

As relentless as 'being savaged by a dead sheep' (British politician).

As for Mr Zuma, Mr Niehaus and friends, isn't it time we gave them a minute each and moved on to really important things. Such as, what we are doing about the relentless disintegration of the foundations of our potentially great country.

After all, the circus one can visit anytime.

Yours in the struggle for real news.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

  

Realpolitik

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Some years ago, I interviewed a young woman who had started a feeding scheme at her school. The scheme still feeds over a hundred needy schoolchildren.

Many of our politicians also started exclusive feeding schemes. It's not clear how many they feed. They eat well. The rest of us are, in the words of Hamlet, promise fed. 

King Lear, in the storm, speaking of the 'naked wretches':

  Oh, I have ta'en 

  Too little care of this! Take  physic, pomp

  Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel, 

  That thou mayst shake the superflux to them

  And show the heavens more just

But our politicians don't earn enough to have a King Lear moment. According to some reports. Anyway, Shakespeare's sentiments are probably unAfrican.

And all this stuff about compassion and service is too simplistic. The burdens of politics and government are far more complex. It's a silly comparison: a humble, unsophisticated girl feeding over a hundred children. That's not realpolitik. 

Yours in the struggle to be realistic.

Richard 

Inspirational Mr Kodwa

 Dear Mr Kodwa

I was inspired by your presentation. I caught the programme a bit late and assumed that you were giving a motivational talk on tackling tough times. I noticed that several prominent people, including a judge, were listening intently.

What really caught my attention was your account of snagging a not insignificant loan despite being in an unstable job. Importantly, this was a no-strings-or-elastic-bands-attached arrangement. My faith in the inherent goodness, kindness and generosity of people has been restored.There's hope for me. I have no job, stable or unstable. Still, using your shrewd argument, I believe we can do this. We? I'm hoping that, with your experience and contacts, you can connect me to a philanthropist.

I would also pay once in a stable job. Should that not happen in my lifetime, it's not a train smash. I'm willing to turn over my assets after departure to destinations eternal. I list them here for transparency:

6 pairs of pants

8 shirts

1 hardly - used suit

Assorted underwear and socks

4 potential bestsellers on the Kindle bookshelf. I've sold 8 copies in total but we know that many writers are recognised only after shuffling off the old mortal coil. Who knows what treasure may lie there?

Sir, could we meet for lunch (if you could see your way clear to...er. the bill thing..).

Yours in the struggle for stability.

Richard 

South African Cyborg

 Dear Mr Musk

The News And Weather channel tells me that you plan to save mankind. I'm all for saving mankind.

Your sci-fi like plan to implant chips in the human head had me riveted. I stopped implanting chips in my stomach in order to listen closely. You see artificial intelligence as a potential threat to humankind. In South Africa, it's the lack of intelligence, artificial or otherwise, that threatens us. Particularly in the rarified atmosphere in which our movers and shakers move and shake.

Nevertheless sir, I have a proposition. I'm willing to be a test pilot, for the sake of humanity, vorsprung durch technik and all those other lekker things. I do this gratis. My only condition is that the chip enable me to beat the lotto and various casino games. This would surely be a worthy test. Also a resounding defeat for one area of AI that's been walloping mankind for far too long. Surely, success will convince even the most sceptical among us. 

After a month of lucr.., sorry, intense research and trialling, I would return your chip. What could be more inspirational than having a South African test-drive a brilliant initiative by a South African born innovator?

I can see the EFF ground forces marching in support and celebration.

I am an excellent candidate, as discretion is my middle - no my first - name. I would keep to myself any winni..., I mean, intellectual property information. Like some South African politicians, I didn't do particularly well at Math 

Except for algebra, which is surely the most mathematical way of stating the obvious. What else could a + b be but a + b? The point is: if I can crack the jackpot with your technology, what can we / you not achieve?

Ready when you are, sir.

Yours in the struggle to boldly go where none has gone before.

Richard