The Wisdom Of Jabba The Hutt

 Dear TV Producers 

A  news channel treated us to the wisdom of South African celebrities. Jub Jub's profound insights into the civil unrest were discussed. Whose Solomonic pronouncements will we hear next? Jabba The Hutt? 

Some of you may argue that there are people far better qualified to comment. Don't be ridiculous. The man hosts Uyajola, an uplifting programme. He is a hip hop artist. Knows something about racing cars. So what doesn't qualify him? 

We've had airtime given to the likes of Dr Ace and the other Zuma  Nothing wrong with that. Great content for something other than a news channel. Perhaps our version of America's Funniest Home Videos. We have reporters who remind one of the pain of listening to the kids who wrestled with reading at school. We are fed. 

I suggest that the media people take it up a couple of notches. Let's have some druglords and hijackers share their insights. All in the interests of provoking thought and debate. 

My neighbours, Lawrence and Koos are celebrities at Pat's, the local sports bar. With the help of something  like Digital Vibes, I can hook you up with them. 

Till then, keep up the stimulating stuff.

Yours in the quest for soul-searching, thought-provoking, quality content.

Richard 

What About Kakistan?

 I want to distract South Africans from our recent  / current troubles. Also to reassure the 'Whatabout' crowd that we are not the only earthlings burning our country about our ears.

The Mann Enterprise for Resolving Dire Emergencies (MERDE) unearthed a fascinating Twitter exchange between government officials in Kakistan. Here's the thread:

@A: Big trouble in Kazedan Province. Burning, rioting, looting. Send army.

@B: LOL. It's not a war.

@A: People will get hurt, maybe die.

@B: People get hurt roller skating. People die choking on fishbones. LMFAO.

@A: This is serious.

@B: So is the locust plague. War is defined as: 

a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.

SBWL ice cream

A week later

@A: Told you

 

@B: Still not a war. Anyway we lost only half the province. And a few years. And some smart-alec investors.

@A: This was an insurrection 

@B: An insurrection is defined as:

a violent uprising against an authority or government 

@A: WTF!

 

A G.A.T.V.O.L Public Announcement

The Geopolitical Academy for Tracking Viruses Occurring 

Locally (GATVOL), makes this announcement in the interests of public safety.

We have identified at least two viruses posing great danger to the health of South Africans.

The Ank virus tricks the body into accepting it as a beneficial nutrient. Once ensconced within the cells, the virus siphons off nutrients until the body is severely malnourished and dehydrated. Interestingly, though subtle at first, the virus grows increasingly voracious with time. Not unlike a herd of swine tucking into a full trough. 

This virus often gives rise to several variants. These compete ferociously for dominance, draining the body of any remaining nutrients, energy and strength. They then continue to feed hungrily off the dying body.

The F virus is thought  be a variant of the Ank virus.  It is similar in some of its behaviour. Also competing with  the Ank virus, the F  lacks subtlety. It merely rampages through the body. There is no mistaking it for anything but what it is: an entity that exists to wreak havoc and destruction.  This variant is thought to be responsible for such conditions as Volatile Behaviour Syndrome (VBS). Under the microscope, it bears a remarkable resemblance to Pacman. Most of its surface resembles a gigantic, wide - gaping mouth. One of our German scientists said that he was reminded of a figure from his country's past history. Pressed for detail, he refused to comment further. "This is science", he said. "Not history ".

Fortunately, the laboratories of

Veracity, Menschlichkeit and Verstand have developed a highly effective regimen. Taken consistently, it rids the body of all variants over time. 

South Africans, please be on the alert.

 

Bad Dreams

 'Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.' Hamlet 

Dear Mr Malema 

Having just woken from a disturbing dream, I feel compelled to write to you.

I saw, in the dream, Floyd The Ferocious, confronting a group of thugs.., sorry, looting gentlemen (slip of political correctness there).  He told them to eff off, as this is not the path to economic freedom.

Sir, it got worse. I saw you on a raised platform, craggy features lit by the lights of a dozen raging infernos. You were calling for calm and commonsense to prevail. You called on the ground forces to help restore peace and order. Also your air force and navy. The nice thing about dreams is that resources are unlimited. 

Then you joined with politicians of all persuasions to discuss ways to end the madness. In the background, were various comrades, soundlessly yelling 'Nooo'. You know the slo-mo, distorted-sound thing in dreams. You turned your back on them and stalked off in true CIC style. It was one of those Stallone / Bruce Willis type scenes. Explosions popping of behind you as you stalked into the sunset.

My own yell was stifled as I sat bolt upright, dripping perspiration onto my newly-changed sheets.

Sir, it was just a dream. Still, as you are often on my mind, I thought it prudent to check. Are you still sound in body, mind and spirit? I trust you've been keeping up with your regular medicals. Please let me know.

Yours in the struggle for economic freedom, land, peace, a united Africa, dialectical materialism and people's banks.

Richard 

Sleep Well Politicians

 Dear Shoe - Fitting Politicians 

You've had a hard time of it lately. 

You have been accused of an entire alphabet of sins, from asininity, through buffoonery and corruption to the zumarisation of a once thriving country.

In Christian charity, I am going to be gentle with you. I am not going to accuse you of having handled our current disaster like keystone cops on nyaope. I will not point out that your intelligence was as useful as the Titanic's SOS message. Nor will I compare your troop deployment to locking the stable door after the entire herd has rampaged through the neighbourhood. If only you'd done that with the nimbleness with which large sums were redeployed on your watch. 

I will resist the temptation to comment on your supernatural powers of invisibility in the heat of crisis. Followed, of course, by your mystical ability to materialize at the opportune time.

I vow that I will not snigger at the story of the diligent people's representative. It goes thus. He tells the only people who have stood between their communities and destruction - get this - he tells them to stand down. His version of John vuli gate? (Oh, get behind me satan!). I am sure he will be remembered for this his finest hour, when the sacrifice and the grit of the people of South Africa is spoken of.

May you sleep well.

Richard

J' Accuse

Dear Fellow South Africans 

"And what dictators do

The elderly rubbish they talk" Auden

Mr Zuma is as pure as the driven snow. Dr Ace Magashule is Mr Clean on steroids. Julius Malema and friends are politicians of substance. The ANC is a movement worthy of respect. Carl Niehaus is a knight in shining armour, defending virtue and, especially, truth.

So much for the commercials. Now to some simple truths.

Mr Zuma and cronies could have prevented this disaster. But that would have taken real leadership. And that's rare in South Africa. Real leadership is selfless. It's for big people.

I cannot say whether Mr Zuma is innocent or guilty of the many charges hanging over his head. This I can say: for a man who protests his innocence, the kindest description of his behaviour is that it's been extraordinary, bizarre. For one so keen to face his accusers in a court of law. And the beans he has threatened to spill? Still on the trellis?

But the ANC is a collective. Let's share blame. Remember the  'pastor' who farts on his congregation. Dear fellow South Africans, if you cannot see how The Party has been doing the same in word and deed for years, stop reading here. Perhaps that's why the poet, e.e cummings wrote that:

 'a politician is an arse..'

In our context, that was kind. Even a..ses don't let their houses go up in flames around them. Oh, and it's not on the heads of the ANC only. 

 .

If a politician is an a..e, what does that make the placard waving, slogan chanting supporters? There is a simple test for whether a public representative is worthy of your vote. Has he / she built anything of value? Anything lasting. Whether it be tangible or in the hearts and minds of people. 

A humble schoolgirl without wealth or authority starts a feeding scheme that feeds over a hundred needy schoolchildren. You follow sleek, well-fed revolutionaries who have never had an original idea. Except to blame, burn and howl curses at the moon. Those who burn seldom build. 

Herein lies another simple truth. When the smoke of their abominable sacrifices to the gods of power, greed and hatred dissipates, who will be next? Such gods are insatiable. They devour their children.

To all you passionate supporters of dubious causes and even more dubious politicians, save that energy. Go build something. Like that schoolgirl. 

Yours in the struggle to distinguish between rational thought and brain farts.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bravo Mr Cele

 Dear Mr Cele

I must congratulate you on your reassuring appearances on TV and elsewhere during this difficult time.

I apologize for not having actually caught any of them. Been too busy, dodging thugs and looters. I do know, though, that you will have been on top of all this. Just as you were when we were in grave danger from surfers, smokers, boozers and other desperadoes. You handled those in fine style, enabling us to sleep secure in the knowledge that we are protected.

I imagine that you out - sellecked Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods. The calm but steely demeanour. The gravitas. The iconic good guy's black hat. He was only a commissioner and as minister, you have him licked. Besides, he's a Yank and what do they know about real, professional policing. They've never had to hold a desperate, crazed surfer at bay. Or deal with a cunning, law-breaking hawker. Or a dangerous curfew-breaker. All of which you've done with distinction.

Sir, please let us know when next you will be giving the nation words of comfort and reassurance.

Wouldn't miss it for the world - or what's left of KZN.

Yours in the struggle for law and order.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723