Mampara of the Century

 Dear ANC

I watched the news on my neighbour's new, big-screen TV today. He acquired it sometime in July, during the disturbances. Driven by pangs of hunger, he was cruising the Durban streets in his SUV, when he saw the TV set lying outside a Game store. Assuming it to be surplus stock, he thoughtfully gave it a good home.

With today being Heritage Day, we wore our traditional masks, had a traditional KFC meal and viewed  the traditional offerings by the national broadcaster. Edward Zuma accused the media of nonsensical reporting. I don't know. The recorded news broadcast was as up-to-the-minute as usual. If there had been interviews, I am sure that they would have been as incisive as usual. Cutting through the politicians' newspeak to the buried truth. 

We watched South African Airways staff and supporters dancing as the national carrier took to the skies again. Caught up in the moment and giddy with joy, we also danced the Jerusalema and the Step Aside. And bellowed out a rousing rendition of 'Flying Without Wings'. For the poor, this is a meaningful investment. We can stand shoulder to shoulder (not literally - social distancing applies) with politicians queuing for their free flights to Cape Town. There will surely also be jobs aplenty: pilots, aircraft mechanics, steal..., I mean, sorting luggage.

A Union Person shared the wisdom that it would be bad for workers if the ANC were to be, (mercy on us all!), defeated at the upcoming polls. In other news, it was reported that the ANC has not paid or cannot pay their workers for some time. I was mildly confused. 

Some unkind souls suggested that you should be the Sunday Times' collective Mampara of the Year. That's grossly unfair. You deserve Mampara of the Century.

Yours in the struggle against mamparadom.

Richard 

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Edward's Grapes of Wrath

 Dear Mr Edward Zuma

There have been times that the whole world has trembled at the prospect of imminent disaster. I believe that such a time is again upon us.

Our neighbourhood has started a prayer chain, as people did during the Cuban missile crisis. You have warned us that the whole world will see your anger. I am sure that it is a fearsome thing.

I have friends who laughed at your reaction, on TV news, to the Concourt ruling on your respected father's rescission application. I warned them that you are a serious man. After all, like a popular politician, you were willing to die for the cause. After padlocking the gates of the inKandla homestead. 

I tried to make sense of your ranti.., sorry, discourse. I cannot capture the eloquence of your address but garnered the following gems:

Not only is the judiciary captured and bought, but also full of pride. That's a couple of deadly sins right there, sir.

Said judiciary made a nonsensical ruling. Compounding this are the reporters with their nonsensical reporting. (I have indeed heard and seen some nonsensical stuff on TV news - unrelated to your matter).

You will not do or encourage anything illegal. Then again, you don't 'recognize any legality' in this country. You see my slight bewilderment here, sir?

You will march daily in protest until the judiciary admit their mistake. Sackcloth and ashes, surely, as they repent having been 'eaten by pride'. I suppose that shouldn't take too long.

Otherwise you will react very badly. Does this include swearing and slamming doors? Disturbing stuff, sir.

When you mentioned people in red, sitting on benches and bringing the country into disrepute, I thought you were taking a swipe at EFF MPs. 

You almost called Mr Manyi 'Jimmy'. A miniscule slip in a speech reminiscent of the best of Churchill (not Winston, my neighbour, Zeke Churchill).

Sir,  by your (and your esteemed father's) report, your family appears to be much sinned against. Judges, spies, reporters, ministers, sinister others - all hurling fiery darts. It's a wicked world. 

Yours in the struggle for justice and reason.

Richard 

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Downhill Racers

 Dear ANC

It's not fun to make fun of you anymore. I was brought up right. 

It's like mocking a drunk who's fallen into a pit latrine. I'm going to have to stick to the EFF. Incidentally, an irate ground forces member wanted to know if I entertain myself with fantasies. No, I replied, the EFF entertains me - royally. The fantasies I leave to them.

At any rate, it's really hard to keep up with your disasters and scandals. Like watching an overcooked disaster movie. You know: monsters, aliens, floods, fires, quakes, all in one gigantic, unappetizing stew. Or like playing one of those alien invaders games. The more alien ships you shoot down, the faster they keep coming. And they never stop.

Could you perhaps do a roster of scandals, failures, looting achievements, blunders, embarrassing moments, nonsensical utterances and the other stuff you excel at? Like the Eskom loadshedding thing. You could call it the Bullshedding Thing. That way, we could keep track. Feel free to use the categories above as headings. You could put the task out to tender. 

George W Bush once said something along the lines of: "Our enemies will do everything they can to destroy our country. So will we."  An unfortunate choice of words. For you, though, a perfectly lucid statement.

You out-stooge the Three Stooges at their ridiculous best. You gave us Hlaudi, Mr Zuma, Dr Ace, Eskonomics, Flying Without Wings at SAA, tenderpreneurs, ANCspeak and so many other gifts that keep on giving.

It's hard to make fun of you. You do it so well yourselves.

Yours in the struggle to remember what we're struggling for.

Richard

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Exodus

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Elections approach. Time to look back in anger or wonder or bemusement or amusement. Or all of the above.

In the Book of Exodus, Moses parted the Red Sea with his staff. In the case of the ANC, the staff were often sleeping, goofing off or off on weird and wonderful adventures. The tender for a Red Sea freeway left us stranded, wet and bedraggled. 

Moving on, here's a quick guide to the parties vying for your suddenly precious vote.

The DA will fight for your rights once they have finished fighting among themselves. With a good reputation for governance, they lack the theatre arts to reach a nation fed on Durban Gen, Uyajola and the bovine cud that passes for TV news.

The ANC are big on culture. Storytelling, dance (including the popular 'Step Aside'), comedy and drama are but some of their offerings. Fiction is the preferred genre. They sometimes wander off into the horror realm. Also good at the fine arts, they've become renowned for drawing lines in the sand.

The EFF will march at the drop of a beret. Possessed of a substantial ground force, they will be hard to resist once they acquire a navy and airforce. To those who see the EFF as noisy populists, not ready to govern, think again. They have interesting views on banking and can be called very business savvy or VBS - for short. Add to that, great dress sense and an appreciation of the finer things and you have a force to be reckoned with. In the fashion world.

COPE were not available for comment. 

For all that the Freedom Front Plus have achieved an FF- would probably be a fair score.

Let's not forget the new parties and the smaller parties, unless they lose their way (as often happens) on this gruelling exodus. Then, by all means, forget them.

Yours in the struggle to reach the oft-promised land.

Richard

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Long Live

 Dear ANC

That looked like a rather sudden, swift slide to mini-implosion. Truth is, though, it was inevitable. You should have seen it coming. You cannot dig holes and rip pieces off the slide without interesting consequences. Vision and foresight haven't been your strong suit. Hard to see the wood when you're preoccupied with the size, colour and location of each tree.

I do think reports of your demise are premature. You have history on your side. And food parcels, grants, cliches, song and dance. I'm sure that, like a character in a certain type of movie, you will rise again to haunt..., I mean, to fight on. 

Yeats wrote of a once beautiful, young woman:

I know not what the younger dreams - 

Some vague Utopia - and she seems, 

When withered old and skeleton - gaunt,

An image of such politics

Politics of the stomach and the empty cliche can also do that. Only balloons rise on hot air.

And Yeats might have had you in mind with:

Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?

Yours in the struggle to adapt.

Richard 

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I, too, avoid physicians, Mr Zuma

 Dear Mr Zuma 

While employed by a primary health care clinic, I fell ill at work. 

"You need to see a doctor", advised a colleague.

I went off and was back ten minutes later. My colleague was surprised.

"Did you see the doctor?"

"Two of them", I replied. "Walking down the corridor. I feel better now."

Sir, I tell this story to illustrate that I share your wariness (perhaps suspicion) about doctors. I have discovered the following about them:

1. They have no boundaries and ask the most embarrassingly intimate questions about bodily functions. "Do you have regular bowel movements?" For Pete's sake!

2. They have a very negative attitude. Every time I've been to one, he or she has found something wrong. It's never "Wow, your blood is circulating so well - and in the right direction too", or "Gee, that stomach is almost perfectly round." Words of comfort and inspiration in these difficult times when our favourite political parties are falling apart.

3. They lie. "I'm going to shove this metre long needle into your arm and you'll feel better in no time."

4. They give bad advice. "Lay off the wine, women, song and good, red meat and your quality of life will improve."

I ask myself how different they are from the shamans who peer into chicken entrails but can't give a simple lotto combination.

We are, if not in the same boat, at least on the same marina. 

Yours in the struggle against    poking, pummelling physicians.

Richard

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Angels. Demons and the Mother of Conspiracies

Dear Fellow South Africans 

It troubles me that we are such a divided people. Scouring social media for wisdom, enlightenment and other stuff, one stumbles upon chasms of disagreement and hostility.

Dr Ace, Mr Zuma and other worthies are painted as angels by one group, demons by another. In the age of big-brother technology and investigative journalism, surely we must have evidence one way or the other. 

This puts me in mind of the pro-vaccination / no- vaccination split. On that note, vaccines may play a part in the mother-of-conspiracies I am about to unveil. After the jab, I was overcome by an unaccustomed surge of hostile feelings towards both gentlemen. Fortunately, I knew well enough to chant 'umShini wami' until I entered a trance-like state of serenity.

To the heart of the matter. Applying the sort of superior logic made famous by the EFF. When people differ so violently against a backdrop of mountains of information, something else is afoot (or in an SUV). MERDE (Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies) can now reveal that a fourth force is at play. We face a threat greater than swart gevaar (All Blacks rugby), wit gevaar (Rupert and friends) or any other gevaar. We at MERDE will not be caught napping, unlike the politicians and security clusters of certain countries (not ours, of course). We are on the scent, noses to the ground, stench notwithstanding.

All will be revealed at the same time that the full story of the instigators of insurrection is told. Suffice it to say that a bizarre, sinister plot, involving clones of our saintly heroes has been in operation. It's the clones that solicited and took bribes, frolicked with foreign vegetarians and indulged in other murky adventures. All this, while our heroes wrestled valiantly with cares of state and the welfare of the people (you and me, dear reader). It is thanks to their sterling efforts that we are where we are. Now there's a statement neither camp can disagree with.

This mother of conspiracies was partly revealed in Attack Of The Clones : https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/05/attack-of-clones.html

People laughed then, as they did at Pythagoras, or some other Greek bloke who posited that the earth is round. Until the first ships dropped over the top. 

Who is behind this? Shadowy organizations and shady individuals. Foreign powers. Think of the riches beneath and above the earth in our country. Coveted by greedy imperialists. Think of the valuable deposits of guano, produced daily by our politicians. Mr Zuma hinted more than once at the dark deeds of legions of spies, domestic and foreign. I was unable to sleep for a week, after his first Zondo Commission appearance.

In the fullness of time, MERDE will reveal all.

Till then, yours in the struggle against fourth force conspirators.

Richard 

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