Eine kleine Nachtmusik

 To the tune of 'Stand By Me'

In the night, Eskom

When the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see 

Oh I feel so betrayed

All the bills that I've paid

And there's no

Electricity

Oh darn it, darn it

Can't you see 

All the misery 

When there's no 

Electricity 

If the lights that we depend upon

Should flicker and fail

Or the fridge ice should tumble to the floor

I can't grill, I can't  fry

There's no coal for the braai

Oh. darn it, darn it

Can't you see

Oh, the misery

When there's no

Electricity 

Darn it, darn it

Can't you see

It's misery 

Misery 

Forever we're in trouble

 When you drop the ball

Damn it all

You're a schmuck

And we're stuck, stuck with you 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Fighting Corruption

 Dear Mr Kaunda

You vowed, not so long ago, to fight Corruption. 

I'm checking in to see how you're doing in the early rounds. I'm sure that you are stripped down to your boxing shorts (tasteful ANC colours). 

The ANC, the Don King of South African fights, have been promising action-starved SA fight fans this match for many years. One rumour has it that you ducked out of a July date. I don't believe it. 

Apparently you have some of the most experienced corner -men / corner-persons in the fight game. The name Gumede has been bandied about.

A plus-factor is that your opponent may not be in prime condition. He has been seen dining (some say pigging) in various places in KZN. He remains, however, a cunning, ruthless opponent. His skill at hanging onto the ropes and using every inch of the arena is legendary. He also has a crowd of raucous, fanatical supporters, who don't care what dirty tricks he resorts to in and out of the ring. Bought, some say. Brain-dead, others say. He did take some stinging blows in recent fights but his resilience is also legendary. Apparently he loves fighting in KZN and has been heard to say that the thickly humid climate suits him to a T.

You do realize, sir, that his stable-mate, Incompetence, has also been in training for years. You cannot claim the undefeated champion's belt until you've beaten both. Nothing short of a knockout will do. 

I'd suggest that you skip the touching gloves, sir, and get down to it. KZN waits.

Yours in the guts - and - glory struggle.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Buggered

I thought this was passing strange until I read of the election of the Ethekwini mayor and his team:

"Zambian pastor James Sakara asked to be buried alive so he could come back to life in three days like Jesus. He didn't make it. Police have arrested the believers who helped bury him." https://t.co/NlDvHaOf9m

The voters appear to have done the same thing for KZN and there is even less hope for a resurrection. Not in three days. Not in three years. Unfortunately, the democratic process does not allow for the arrest of those responsible.

Past performance is an excellent predictor of future performance. The not-so-new mayor, it is widely said, did not cover himself in glory during the July unrest. Ms Gumede, on the other hand, say some, covered herself in....something else. And the voters are now hoping for what? It's like paying to watch a new production of Faustus in the hope that it will end differently

One could shoot oneself in the foot by accident. Clumsy, painful, regrettable. But to follow up by shooting oneself in the butt defies explanation. Perhaps it's the Durban poison. Or a variant of the old 'Natal Fever' virus. It couldn't be that we're that dumb, could it?

Someone said, on social media, that KZN is @#$%ed. That's going too far.

Buggered, yes.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Blunderland

 "Gang of robbers storms army base, steals tanks and armoured vehicles."

At the rate we're going (downhill), this fictional report isn't as ludicrous as it seems at first reading.

"The robbers went on to rob, then flatten a couple of nearby shopping malls. The president was shocked and had to be revived with smelling salts from a certified BBBEE supplier. Mr Cele said that police would work day and night to establish whether the robbers had valid licenses for the army vehicles. Also whether there was a link to allegedly racist killings that occurred recently." (Report by MERDE: Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies).

It is going to be well nigh impossible to write fiction about South Africa. There is no more disbelief to suspend willingly. Anything is now possible. And probable. Alice in Wonderland was a sober, academic treatise by comparison.

This follows reports about the storming of a police station in Limpopo (where else?). The number of robbers waxed and waned from thirty to ten, depending on which report one read. A spokesperson with a genius for stating the blindingly obvious contributed the following:

'Services at the police station were temporarily affected during the armed robbery.'

It probably would be a little awkward to continue writing out affidavits with a gun to one's head.

"The SAPS can now confirm that the police station is now fully functional and accessible to members of the public.", 

Not sure I'd be burning with eagerness to seek their services after that episode. 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Wild Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have a friend in Kakistan. The stories he tells are barely credible.

Lately though, they have become so bizarre that I fear he is lying or losing his mind. I want to recommend a good analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen. I don't know how to approach my friend and would value some advice. Judge for yourselves.

During municipal elections, he says, some of the provinces voted overwhelmingly for the very party they have been protesting against. Not even a month later, they are again protesting about service delivery.

It gets more surreal. Apparently two candidates convicted of crimes were voted into top positions in one district. Now, in our country, we would not even allow them to stand. A bit  like electing Bonny and Clyde as sheriff and deputy, isnt it? Even in Kakistan, that defies belief.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help howling with laughter at this story. Two of their nominees for the vacant chief justice position are facing impeachment. He was not amused when I suggested that they canvass the local shebeens and taverns for likely candidates. Did I go too far? He mumbled sulkily that they are no longer in the running. "Ah, that makes it ok, then", I said, manfully hiding a smirk. "Proves that commonsense is in abundance in your country."

There were stories of corruption, depthless incompetence and the most exquisite buffoonery. I won't repeat those here. They are almost pornographic in the way that they violate everything that makes us better than slugs.

Apparently their new councillors are not expected to have basic computer skills. Papyrus is freely available. 

I rest my case. We've had democracy for twenty-seven years and which South African, in his / her right mind, could believe this fermented garbage?

Yours in the struggle for truth. 

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

 

My Kingdom For An SUV

Dear Mr Malema

I find nothing unusual or untoward in your giving that king chap a Mercedes. A vehicle fit for a king. Had you given him a BMW or Toyota Corolla, now that would have been questionable. 

I think this fits quite nicely with your party's commitment to the needy. The king needed a vehicle, befitting his status. As king and one-time prisoner of conscience. Nice fit with dialectical materialism, too. This entire situation arises out of material needs. I am sure that there also some dialectics involved.

You looked quite royal yourself, in the recent pictures taken at the deeply moving handover ceremony. Rightly so. Your minio..., I mean, your followers have no questions about VBS, Ratanang, deals, tenders or your cartwheels and contortions. The sort of dum.., pardon, blin..., pardon, traditional allegiance that is the monarch's due.

Should you be seeking more kings to bolster the brand, let's get in touch. After all, 2024 is not far off. I am distantly related to the large King family of KZN. I am willing to wield my not inconsiderable influence. Of course, one needs a reliable SUV for that sort of work. 

The king scoffed at the ridiculous notion that this was a bribe. Things have come to a pretty pass if we can't accept the word of a king. Good grief, it must be at least as solid as that of your average South African politician. (A friend says that they are very average).

Yours in the struggle to restore dignity to the monarchy and the commoners on the ground.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Brew

Dear Advertising Standards Authority 

I take strong exception to two beer advertisements currently being flighted on TV. Usually between Uyajola and Durban Gen, neither of which I watch.

In one ad, a gentleman with a suspiciously Scottish accent rudely berates a South African for ordering lime with his beer. While I regard ruining a good beer with lime as on a par with skewering little children, I will defend to the death every South African's right to do so. Ruin his beer, not the other. We don't need our former colonial masters interfering with our freedoms to turn our beer into horse urine. If we so desire.

In the genteel environs of a Wentworth pub, such behaviour would never be tolerated. I can hear the interjections from outraged patrons:

"Who you, bru?"

"Where you from, bru? Newlands East?"

"Ekse, how you dalaring with a ou having his dop in peace?"

The second ad, clearly blatantly false advertising, tells me that there's gold in my beer. Many quarts, crates and blinding headaches later, guess what? There may well be barley, hops and water aplenty. The fake diamond rush in Newcastle was a roaring success by comparison.

I intend to sue for the usual: mental anguish, loss of opportunity and other stuff I'm checking Google for.

Should the brands involved offer a year's supply of beer in a shameless attempt at bribery, I will be incandescent with indignation. On the other hand, one must sometimes do the pragmatic thing for the furtherance of world peace and other stuff. I would let it slide, while reluctantly  letting the beverage slide down my throat.

Yours in the struggle for human rights.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723