Let Us Ease Your Tensions In Ukraine

Dear Messrs Putin and Zelenskyy

Good news. Our minister of foreign affairs, Ms Naledi Pandor, announced that South Africa is working on easing the tensions between Russia and Ukraine.

Being the global (intergalactic, when we find life further afield) player that we are, I am confident that you feel a draining away of tension at that announcement. Those knots in the shoulders are surely smoothing themselves out.

We are renowned for easing tensions. We like to begin, like charity, at home. You might like to model your conflict resolution on the framework we employed in 2021 to deal with tensions within the governing party. It all culminated in some intense but fruitful exchanges in July. We are now easing tensions within the security cluster, as each component modestly refuses to take credit for fuc..., sorry, defusing the situation.

The framework is slightly scorched. Still useful.

Mr Zelenskyy, I believe that you will identify with and get on very well with our politicians. You were a comedian too. 

Gentlemen, you are surely familiar with the best-selling book on conflict resolution: 'Getting To Yes'. We could write one called 'Getting To Maybe'. Some of our tactics and techniques, revealed for the first time:

1. Ignore it. It will go away or someone else will sort it out. We are applying this to several challenges.

2. Rename it.

3. Reblame it.

4. Bounce it from state of the nation address to state of the nation address.

We have much more in our toolbox. We could discuss over a glass of Stolichnaya once all tensions have been eased. With our willing assistance.

Yours in the struggle for global peace, harmony and other global stuff.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Total Onslaught to Total Collapse

Dear Mr Mbeki 

A few hundred metres underground, a mining supervisor once showed me some dodgy looking supports.

"Aren't you going to replace them?" I asked.

"No", he replied. "They're all we've got. Hard to get replacement timbers. We'll just live with them for another year. Else this roof will collapse."

You can tell, sir, that this is a fictitious bit of nonsense. Much like your comment about South Africa collapsing into chaos without the ANC. Cooked in the same kitchen, so to speak. An equally dangerous fiction to believe.

We understand that it's hard to impossible to find good ANC stories. (The R350 ice cream empire one is dubious at best). It's like looking for something heartwarming in the horror section in a DVD rental store.

The liberation narrative you guys used to dine out on fizzled, when we realized that it was just a plantation name change. Different overseers. No whips. Still the plantation.

Everything that can be broken has been broken. That includes promises, oaths, laws, codes written and unwritten.

Everything that can be looted has been looted. We are left with clichès, songs, slogans and excuses. Bags of wind.  The only mystery that remains is: what will be broken and / or looted next?

That brings us to the oldest trick. Bring out the bogeyman. It used to be swart gevaar and rooi gevaar. From 'total onslaught' then to 'total collapse' now. Shameful.

You are now in the company of intellectual giants such as Jessie Duarte and Jacob Zuma, who also spun that hairy fairytale. We will treat it with the same reverence.

If the ANC can't get off its pendulous butt, let it die with some dignity. Leave off the whimpering and flatulent noises.

Yours in the struggle to wade through manure.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Walking, Killing Machine

Dear Effers

I am concerned for you

If what I've read is not another devilish Stratcom / WMC media invention,  your man sounds like the love child of Idi Amin and that Adolf chap.  When he led you on marches to schools and old age homes, I thought he showed glimmers of being a coming leader. I mean, which other leader has thought of tackling those bastions of counterrevolution beret on. That's courage and innovation right there. 

This stuff about slaughtering people, though. That went out decades ago. Sure, some still try it on, but none of them have lasted. It's disappointingly archaic. I would have thought that by now his fertile, superior logic-filled mind would have conjured up something more appropriate for the challenging times we live in in the beloved country. This is as relevant as a penny-farthing on an airfield runway.

Has he really thought about the practical implications? Garroting is highly labour intensive, as are bludgeoning and the use of machetes. Firearms are costly and require a long period of training. (I have heard that there's the odd clearance sale from various institutions). 

Then there's the challenge of identifying potential massacrees (I know - there needs to be such a word). He would have to compel whites to wear some distinctive insignia. I don't think that's been done before. A battery of tests would have to be designed to confirm whiteness. I don't think anything like that's been done before. 

Then there's the whole issue of mass graves. Guys, are you up to the hard work that entails? I think you begin to see that this genocide business isn't as easy as it's cracked up to be. It's hard enough, even with compliant massacrees.

Here's what had me hanging my head in embarrassment. Did your man really say this?

"I'm not scared of killing. A revolutionary is a walking killing machine."

That comes straight out of one the Vietnam war movies or an American gangster movie. "I'm a stone killer". So much schoolboy testosterone.

Please check if your man is in good heath.

You might also check whether he really meant killing or rather dying. He's confused the two before. Not surprising, what with the spelling and pronunciation being so uncannily similar.

Yours in the struggle for commonsense, sanity and some fertile land.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

News And Nonsense

 Instead of mocking our TV news channels, I thought I'd try to see things from their viewpoint. 

I imagine that these are some of their guidelines (quite reasonable, don't you think?).

Speaking English correctly is overrated. As is variety in pitch, pace and tone, when reporting. Just get the words in.

There is no need to get all technical and pedantic  in interviews and ask all sort of complicated questions. Keep it simple (and) stupid.

Very little  of interest or significance  happens in the world outside of South Africa. Oh yes, there's the odd looming global conflict and we can give that a few minutes. That Russian business, for example. No point in involving ourselves too deeply. Russia's  quite far away.

On some (or many) issues, it's not really necessary to hear both sides. That audi alteram partem stuff is fine for stuffy courtrooms. For our viewers, it just muddies the waters unnecessarily.

Don't allow reporters to poke their noses too deeply into other people's business. It's not polite. 

The more closely your reporters resemble mannequins with microphones the better.

Viewers are deeply interested in long, lingering items on funerals.

There's a lot of unimportant stuff to avoid boring viewers with: fresh corruption scandals, government bungling, horrific crime, serious and building conflicts, unresolved national issues and scores of unanswered questions. Leave the oh so serious documentries and investigations to the BBC.

Keep it lighthearted (and lightheaded). Think of the wonderful attitude and example of the band on the Titanic.

Viewers love Tik Tok snippets and anything inconsequential, meaningless or mediocre. Don't challenge them or disturb their sweet slumber.

It's unfortunate that we can't get people of the calibre of Jeffrey  Dahmer and Jack The Ripper to give their considered views on integrity, morality and other stuff. We keep trying.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Simplicity

 Dear Mr President 

John Maxwell once interviewed a businessman renowned for turning ailing businesses around. 

"What's the first thing you do after buying the company?"

"I fire the executive", was the succinct reply.

"Don't you give them an opportunity to turn the business around?"

" They had the opportunity for five, ten years or more", the businessman replied. 

That's a brutal truth. In South Africa, we would have said "obvious", drawing out the vowels for emphasis.

It's very simple, sir. It wouldn't solve all our problems but it's a damned good place to start. You know that. You were a businessman. The trouble with simple steps is that they often come up against the wall of party politics, lack of appetite and other useless but powerful obstacles.

With your current lot, you have a slightly lower chance of success than Bafana would have against a fired-up German side. That, too, is obvious. 

Imagine a hostage negotiator droning on after half the hostages have been slaughtered. And the hostage-takers are loading fresh clips. Some long game! The time to send in the SWAT team is long overdue. Another brutal truth. 

People are dying. Literally and figuratively. The hope that springs eternal is dying.

Yours in the struggle to retain a mustard seed of optimism.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Dorite

Dear Shoprite (And others)

The government departments that we know and love have made an art of torturing their customers.

One expects much better of business. 

Life is grim for senior citizens in South Africa. That excludes those in government and their friends. You might consider this before your next pension payout day. 

You guys know far more about customer service than I ever will. You know all about process engineering. Nothing as technical as the name suggests. Just removing bottlenecks, unnecessary / redundant steps etc.; making the process simpler and faster. Of course, it begins and ends with the question: "What does the customer value?" We could rephrase as: "What makes the customer's life easier / better?".

I can tell you what doesn't make the lives of senior citizens brighter:

Queuing until their legs hurt.

Having to guess whether the cashier's gone to top up the cash in the next province or just in the next town.

Having to guess whether the cashier is coming back or has suffered a mental breakdown.

You guys do this every month. You also spend a fair bit on advertising, telling us what great things you do for us. Why not do some little things for the forgotten people of South Africa? They are your customers too, if you need a business case.

Someone posted very recently on Twitter that South African businesses know nothing about customer service. Can't be. We're the 'friendly country'.  We have uBuntu.

I'm sure you'll prove them wrong.

Yours in the quest for the heart of service.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

imiGodoyi

Dear Fellow South Africans 

The word imiGodoyi is flung around with gay abandon on social media. 

I find this insulting, crass, hurtful, unfair and also not lekker. I am taking up the cudgels on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves.

Ever-helpful Google's translation software tells me that umGodoyi means mongrel. The good qualities of mongrels are:

1. Unlike pampered, so-called thoroughbreds, they are tough and resilient. Mongrels are not prone to the ailments peculiar to various breeds.

2. Mongrel dogs are obedient and loyal to a fault. At the master's command, they will bite (and, given advanced training, even urinate on) anyone, without fear, favour or hesitation.

3. They can be regarded as truly indigenous inhabitants of South Africa. They were here long before those 1652 Irish Setters, German Shepherds, Border Collies and others. I strongly suggest that those breeds return to their European kennels.

I call for these insults to imiGodoyi to cease forthwith - comparing innocent dogs to foul, contemptible specimens of homo sapiens. I don't know whether the insults emanate mainly from RET, WMC, house or garden negroes or any of the other colourful groups romping around. The arrogance and insensitivity of these people is, er, arrogant and insensitive. 

This I do know: 

If all insulting references to mongrel dogs are not removed from social media by midnight, you shall hear from my attorneys, who have a fearsome reputation for doggedness. 

We are considering using the services of an advocate who has been much in the news lately. I'm not sure how many cases he's actually won but it's clear that his talents are much in demand in some quarters.

Be warned. Our bite is worse than our bark.

Yours in the struggle for canine dignity.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723