Only in South Africa

Dear Fellow South Africans 

An American president once forgot which country he was in, embarrassing his hosts and his retinue. That's not unusual At the Zondo Commission, one of our able politicians could not remember his / her / their date of marriage, date of birth or whether,in fact, she was ever born.

That will never happen to me. I know that I am in South Africa. Only in South Africa can the following happen. On four or five consecutive occasions I've tried to deposit money at a specific ATM. Each attempt was unsuccessful. The marvel of technology was not working. I took to muttering a prayer under my breath each time I approached the machine. Of course, I'm delighted to pay a fee for depositing my own money inside. A bit like paying a parking fee at the KFC drive-through.

Even that delightful option was not available today. Someone, in a dizzying flash of inspired innovation, had deposited a coin in the machine. All deposits ceased. To my creditors: I tried. It was, in the succinct latin phrasing of one of our sharper legal eagles, a f@#$d up situation.

Then there's SABC news. Some fifteen minutes were spent on yet another internal ANC squabble over some god forsaken region. A spokesperson explained. It was as interesting as the speech at the Morticians' Society annual dinner I attended. Or the accountants' conference entitled 'A Passion For Balance Sheets'. This was as relevant as as a piece on the mating habits of frogs in Outer Mongolia. Just in case you haven't noticed, fellas, we are, as always, in the midst of a frenzy of looting, buffoonery and incompetence. But then, that's not really big news, is it? Not when compared to the high jinks and high stepping of our singing, dancing comrades.

So glad that they can always rely on you, SABC, for attentive coverage.

Yours in the fingernail breaking struggle to cling onto sanity in South Africa.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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Misiderata

 The looters' version of the Desiderata - apologies to Max Ehrmann

Go stealthily amid the noise and the haste, and remember what joy there may be in looting . As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all victims.

Speak your scam boldly and confidently; and listen to others, especially to the rich and the powerful; they too have their uses.

Avoid honest and ethical persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare your loot with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser looters than yourself.

Enjoy your successes as well as your schemes. Keep interested in your own grift, however humble; you need real moolah in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of lawmen. But let this not blind you to what opportunity there is; many rubes and gulls are out there, and everywhere there's a chance of hustle.

Watch yourself. Especially always feign disinterest. Neither be cynical about loot; for in the face of all poverty and disenchantment, it is as essential as the air.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the scams of youth.

Nurture powerful contacts to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many arrests are born of fatigue and carelessness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the kleptoverse no less than the thieves and the tsotsis; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the kleptoverse is unfolding as it should. Therefore get a piece of it, wherever you perceive it to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep cash in your wallet. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a lootable world. Be cheerful. Strive to be wealthy.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Gas

 Dear ANC

Isn't it heartwarming when politicians practise what they preach? Your righteously indignant rebuke to the cynical, uncaring Nationalist Party back in 1993:

“The ill-considered and uncaring decision to increase the petrol price only confirms the NP government does not have the interests of the majority of South Africans, who are poor and struggling desperately to make ends meet, at heart. If the government persists in pressing ahead with these indefensible price hikes, they will be inviting a similar reaction to that when VAT was increased. Now is the time for them to establish the tradition of a government that cares for and consults with its citizens”. [16 September 1993; ANC Statement;

You embody and personify the tradition of a government that cares for and consults with its people. I'm not sure how much more caring South Africans can take. It's overwhelming.  I missed the extensive consultation  that preceded the series of fuel increases you have blessed us with. My fault. 

An ANC luminary once spoke of drinking champagne on behalf of the  people.  A  piece of oratory worthy of Shakespeare. Clearly, you also eat on our behalf . Judging by the many well toned bodies on prominent display , you do a damned good job. We are gratified. You give new meaning to the notion of a well-rounded team of ministers and MPs. You put the statue of David to shame.

At the rate that you are implementing fuel increases (in the interests of the majority of South Africans, one assumes), you will soon also have to drive on behalf of the people. Or are you doing that already? And a damned good job you are doing there too: blue lights flashing as you careen down the freeways on the way to history-making meetings and conferences. It's good to see that your accompanying bodyguards are ready to avert threats from lunatics who may be triggered by your enlightened initiatives.

We hear much of the harmful emissions threatening  our planet. But little of the noisome flatulence of corpulent politicians that threatens our country.

Yours in the struggle to serve with honour and compassion.

Richard

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The Silence Of The Wolves

Dear South African Politicians 

It's unnerving when you are so quiet.

There's a fearful waiting for the other jackboot to drop.

I'm sure you know the Afrikaans saying: 'Stille water, diepe grond

Onder draai die duiwel rond'.

Mr Malema bounced from the school grounds to the international stage with a fiery attack on France. Macron is still recovering from a nervous breakdown. I bet Boris Johnson  and Joe Biden are quaking, as they wonder who's next. Go for it, sir. The old age homes can wait. You should also have a go at Ukraine for deliberately getting in the way of Russian tanks. The bloody cheek of it.

Mr Mthethwa, with the brilliance of a dying supernova, flagged the need for an inspirational monument. That doesn't seem to be working, May I suggest something that we can all solidly identify with? Something that truly captures and memorializes our struggles, in recent times, to be free.  I propose a gigantic pit toilet monument, with an honour guard of terracotta members of parliament. We could call it 'The Forbidden Privy'. Why should the Chinese have all the fun?

Please give us some forewarning of what you plan to do next. Experience tells us that it's unlikely to have us dancing in the streets (unless in protest). To allow South Africans an opportunity to fortify themselves with a stiff drink or herbal infusion of choice,  I suggest a roster along the lines of:

Tuesday: President to deliver inconsequential speech

Wednesday: Ms Duarte to make baffling pronouncement 

Thursday: ANC spokesperson to make incomprehensible speech

Friday: Mr Mantashe to attack target chosen from list below

Saturday: Open mic session featuring Mr Mbalula and others

Following week: Opportunity for all remaining MPs, provincial and municipal representatives and forgotten politicians to express horror, shock, indignation or delight, but otherwise leave no mark of their passing.

Yours in the struggle to cope.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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The Fourth Estate, South Africa

Some time ago, there was a TV news item on the activities of Operation Dudula. Behind the anchor, in large lettering, the word XENOPHOBIA.

I foolishy thought that the business of the news media was to pursue the truth relentlessly. Audi alterem partem (hear both sides) and all that. Investigation and interview before conclusion. How singularly dull of me. I apologize. One punctuation mark would have made the difference, namely, XENOPHOBIA? Ah, these damned subtleties.

Taken alone, this little incident begs some questions. Wait, there's more. 

A reporter asks the minister of Home Affairs if he will resign, following calls from an 'anti-xenophobia' organization. In the book of Inane Questions Asked By Journalists, this one must feature as a 'gem of purest ray serene'. The minister quite rightly laughs. He briefly marvels at the level of chutzpah that makes such a call in a sovereign, foreign country. 

“When all of them are in jail‚ locked in and the keys have been thrown away‚ then I will step down — only then.”

Another link in this curious chain. The minister visits Diepsloot after the murder of a man, reportedly of Zimbabwean origin. This, according to reports, came after the  murders of seven Diepsloot residents.This peculiar exchange takes place (as reported):

Journalist: Mr Motsoaledi, do you take ownership of what has happened here in Diepsloot? Someone has died.

Mr Motsoaledi: No, Chriselda, people have died.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Are there dangers in the rise of organizations like Dudula? Let's call a spade a bloody digging implement. Yes. There are dangers, too, in a government that fails in its fundamental duties to law and order. Whose laissez faire approach to everything of importance drags their country to the edge of anarchy. There are dangers and evils in the doings of shallow news media. And news media who dance recklessly and heedlessly to to the tunes of paid pipers unknown.

Judge for yourself.

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O Tichmann 

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Unflagging ANC

 Dear Mr Mthethwa

I am lost in admiration - in the archaic sense of the word: wonder, amazement. My flagging spirits revived at the news of your R22 million flag monument project.

From a news report:

The department this week made the announcement, saying it would be a “symbol of unity and national pride”. The department also said the project would inspire “social cohesion”.

I can clearly picture South Africans gazing up at the monstro..., pardon, monument, waves of national pride and currents  of social cohesion tugging at their hearts. My own  heart is already swelling with pride. It feels remarkably similar to nausea. But then these sensations can be almost indistinguishable one from another. 

As minister of Sports, Art and Culure, I imagine that the artist in you gave life to this idio...., pardon, inspirational idea. Van Gogh cut off a piece of his ear and supposedly gave it to a lady (of the night) as a token of affection. If anything proves your love for the people of South Africa, it is this thing you plan to do. I will happily suggest which  parts of your anatomy you could sever, as a grand, artistic gesture to accompany the unveiling of your flag sculpture. 

You are our own Kublai Khan. 

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan

A stately pleasure-dome decree (Coleridge)

At the rate that you and your party are innovating and creating, we will have many  Xanadus. Bullet trains, smart buildings, monuments and more. Our citizens will gaze in intense admiration  and even more intense hunger.

I am carried away on wings of awe.

Yours in the struggle to awaken the artistic soul of South Africa.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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I

Land Of The Free-For-All

 Some interesting facts about our country:

We had (perhaps, still have) a law that prohibited taking bears to the beach. Also wrestling with bears. The fact that there have been no bears in South Africa for over a million years was clearly of no consequence to the lawmakers. 

That seems to be quite in line with current political thinking too. Accentuate the antiquated. Accentuate the irrelevant. We do still indulge in bear baiting, when we flash the race card as readily as a pedantic referee flashes a yellow card. That big, old bear is going to maul some people severely someday.

We are the only country with eleven official languages. We still fail dismally at communication that edifies. The fact that we have the longest wine route in the world may add to our incoherence.  And we have our own political 'newspeak', where night is day, day is night and all is filtered through the New Dusk.

The Cradle of Humankind is a world heritage site that houses some of the oldest fossils known to mankind. It's  not unique. Some of the most fossilized thinking in the universe is housed in our political milieu and in the civil service. 

We had  the world's first heart transplant. And where are you now, Dr Chris? There are pensioners in and out of parliament that need you. And some younger ones, too.  They sit, like a choked artery, in a misty realm of glories past. Or an equally nebulous utopian future. One that will never come to be.

We have the highest commercial  bungee jump in the world. Quite appropriate. We are a nation constantly poised on the edge, not sure whether the rope will hold.

We are the only country in the world with two Nobel prize winners from one street. We are the only country in the world with so many prize clowns from the same political streets. 

A law that has been removed from the books is one that required taxi drivers to wear a white coat. We should have kept that law. There are many minibus taxi drivers that would look at home in a straitjacket.

 

The fascinating Land of the Free-For-All.

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

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