Boris Johnson, Party On

Dear Mr Johnson

I heard that you are on the comeback trail despite having departed under less than joyous circumstances.

That's so South African. That nod to our beloved country gains you my wholehearted support, sir. I intend to lobby for you. No strings (though I am short a pound or two).

So you had a Guiness or two. What's the big deal? Many of our Honourable Members sip on twenty-year old scotch, I've heard. That may explain why so many slumber in parliament. Of course, you guys have that neat trick of leaping up off the benches intermittently at some prearranged signal. That's one colonial custom that we should adopt.

With regard to the tippling, an ANC worthy did explain that the Party drinks on behalf of the people (amid much jubilation). Therein lies a useful tip for you, sir. "I closed my eyes (opened my lips) and thought of England".

I like your just-tumbled-out-of-bed-and-gulped-my-coffee, tousle-haired look. So distinguished. I also enjoy your speaking style - a sort of eloquent bark, like that of an Oxford-educated, civilian sergeant-major. Our lot tend to mumble dreary mind-numbing speeches. The cliches and slogans that tumble from their lips can induce suicide.

We have a former minister who left under a darker cloud than yours - something involving substantial sums of money and some bad vibes. Unlike you sensitive British people, we don't sweat the small stuff. He is vying for the top position in South African politics. An elder statesman with a somewhat murky reputation faces some 18 counts involving fraud, corruption, racketeering and money laundering. (We don't play here). Has that deterred him from electioneering, pontificating and lecturing? We are made of sterner stuff. So are you, sir. So are you. People have affectionately nicknamed him  'S'boshwa'. I'm not sure what that means. Probably something along the lines of 'Exalted One'.

He is a darned good dancer. Like Mr Bojangles, 'Lord, that man can dance'. In South Africa, you can be forgiven anything if you are a good dancer. That's another tip for you, sir. Beats bobbing up and down on the parliamentary benches.

I am behind you sir, as are all South Africans who appreciate a good beer.

Yours in the struggle for an epic comeback.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Digital Vibes

Dear Ms Athi Geleba

You are Head of Digital Vibes..., er, sorry, Digital Communications,  in the Presidency.

Thank you for the list of presidential achievements tweeted recently. It was like a Twitter version of War and Peace. 

Most striking was:

"Since 2028, the Hawks have secured 4 500 convictions for corruption and other priority crimes"

A magnificent achievement - the time travel. Do you have anything from 2024 for us? A large band of suspects and dubious characters is still at large. They roam the land like Marvel Comics villains, giving the finger, vying for high political office, preaching....I suppose their turn will come, perhaps in 2028?

Continuing with the sci-fi theme:

On Starship Tenderprise there must be many wondrous things to behold. Ideas, plans, nebulous successes swirl and glisten in the rarified atmosphere. On earth, South Africans are raped, murdered and robbed hourly.

"SAPS, Hawks, NPA and State Security Agency all strengthened with new leadership to ensure stability, integrity & capability to fight crime".

Led by that world authority on the links between alcohol, gqom music, tattoos and crime? 

Some official statistics put unemployment at about 34%. But hey, 

"The Youth Employment Service established by Mongameli with private sector partners has to date created over 86 500 work experiences"

I cannot tell you how great a comfort that is, as we sip our ecoli-flavoured water, in lieu of a more substantial meal.

Let's not be negative. So our cup runneth over with sewerage in the streets, arterial haemmorhaging of public funds and more.  But we need to see the glass as half-repaired,  not half-shattered.

Unfortunately, you omitted the heartening employment statistics about some 28 cabinet ministers and 37 deputies just getting by on six-figure salaries, two cars apiece, free flights and other little perks. Did you mention the R19 million spent on luxury vehicles (according to City Press) while South Africans stooped under lockdown?

These are also good stories. Don't be shy. Lay them on us.

Viva New Dusk (or whatever natural phenomenon it is we're supposed to be experiencing). 

We'll be back, like Arnold, for more.

Yours in the struggle to find good stories and good digital vibes.

Richard

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

No, Minister Sisulu

 Thus spake a Twitter sage to me:

'The scuffle Continues' is nothing but questions the legitimacy of Sisulu to critique the Constitution and the law. Any intelligent scholar would go beyond and engage the content of her debate. You lack understanding of the ANC that it is collective & has doves & hawks'

My thanks for the engagement.

I don't care if the ANC has ravens and crows. Or vultures.

Imagine swearing an oath to uphold the constitution, and almost 30 years later waking up to the realisation that it's fatally flawed. It doesn't require excessive intelligence nor scholarly enquiry to see the irony, absurdity  and contradictions.

It would be more fruitful  to do an incisive analysis of a piece written by an addict in the full flow of nyaope inspired creativity.

It is embarrassing to point out the most obvious of facts. The constitution does not legislate, administer, or lead - leaders do. Countries with comparable and even inferior ones are not the discarded dog's breakfast that we are. Dare one speculate that it may be because, for them, the main thing is the main thing. Getting the bloody job done. Not pontificating endlessly. Or parading dubious, past glories.

What has the minister done with the time and opportunity, given to few, to make a difference in this land? There was the accusation in 2012 of jetting around excessively, as Minister of Defence, but perhaps that was necessary to build our military into the fearsome fighting force that it has become. In line with the theme of flying high, I read something about flights, fruit and flowers that must have been equally beneficial in the Human Settlements role. Lest I am accused of too much flattery, let those highlights and achievements suffice.

Years of power and privilege and I must repeat:

Is this the best you can do: 'The constitution ate my homework'?

I don't know why this Hamlet quote comes to mind when I think of our ministers, their flashes of brilliance, their lasting  contribution in thought and deed to this land::

Thus has he and many more of the same bevy that I know the drossy age dotes on only got the tune of the time and outward habit of encounter, a kind of yeasty collection, which carries them through and through the most fond and winnowed opinions...

I'm sure it doesn't apply to them.

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O Tichmann 

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Legalize It: Don't Criticize It

 Dear ANC

A party that cares enough to drink champagne on behalf of the people would surely never enact legislation that takes away freedoms.

That is why I hope that the strong reaction to the "Protection of Constitutional Democracy against Terrorist and Related Activities Amendment Bill is merely the result of misunderstanding. Your intentions have always been of the poorest.., I mean, purest kind.

If the intention really is to stifle criticism of the ruling party, I have some suggestions that could save much time, effort and money:

1. Why not simply bugger off into the sunset, where 'never is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day'. We'll criticize the next ruling party, while you cook tinned fish and garlic dinners to post on Twitter.

2. Do something really useful, like actually tracking down terrorists and supporters. Okay, let's start small small, as my Sierra Leonian friends would say. How about some murderers, hijackers, muggers  - that sort of thing, for starters.

3. Those guys who keep making you look bad, as if it were their mission in life: fire their corpulent asses.

If the worst interpretation is indeed an accurate one, the benefit is that it will bring us closer to dear comrades. Those poster children for democracy and freedom of expression, the Russians,  Zimbabweans, Chinese and others.

"Shut up Comrade and drink your vodka."

I personally have no problem as I never criticize the ruling party. Ridicule - now that's a different matter. I hope that the bill makes the nice distinction. 

What makes this seem surreal is the silence from opposition parties. I might have missed the uproar, deafened by the intermittent gunfire in various places. If so,  I apologize now, in order to save expensive MTN data.  I also understand that opposition parties may have been engrossed in the horse and ass trading that gave us such glorious advances as the jojo-champion-mayor of Johannesburg.

I know that the national broadcaster was fully occupied with all important Tik Tok, soccer and Party regional doodad snippets.

A friend agrees that you should not be criticized. He says you should in fact be figuratively tarred and feathered for the tsunami of buffoonery, corruption and incompetence that has left our country sodden and drifting aimlessly. He was badly brought up.

Yours in the struggle against insensitive, hurtful criticism.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Zuma, History and Abelungu

Dear Ms Zuma-Sambudla 

I am thrilled that your esteemed father not only made history but also thrust a spear into the heart of the mysterious, sinister, omnipresent, ever-mischievous Abelungu (Whites).

Your tweet below:

"Say What You Want…President Zuma Is Frustrating Abelungu As He Continues To Make HIS-STORY!!!"

I can picture future students poring over their history books, riveted by this entry: 

'On that fateful day, the tenth of October in the year 2022,  Jacob Gedleyihlekisa  Zuma, giant of RET, struck a blow against the pale forces of WMC,  Abelungu and the dozens of other enemies of righteousness peace and justice in the beloved country.  One  that reverberates as did the blow struck at iSandlwana. As Mr Zuma strode into the courtroom surrounded by his formidable legal team, a hush fell upon the assembly.....'.  

A hush falls upon the already hushed classroom. 

You mention Abelungu quite often and they have taken on, for me, a sinister mysterious aspect, not unlike the White Walkers of Game of Thrones.

I decided to beard these lions in their dens about their obsession with Mr Zuma. An executive, (white as they come),  explained:

"You know how many companies have safety as a mandatory first item on the agenda at meetings? Well, at our company (and, I am sure, many others) Mr Zuma tops the agenda at all meetings".

I then cornered a family sitting down to lunch at a Spur restaurant,  having established that this is where many Abelungu may be found. After confirming that they were indeed white and not merely lacking exposure to sunlight, I asked the all-important question. 

"We love talking about him at the dinner table", the mother replied. 

"The cost of living is killing us", added the father, taking a bite out of his spicy wing. "But the comings and goings of Mr Zuma are of far more concern. Even the kids join in the conversation", he finished proudly. Two little girls nodded vigorously and a gap-toothed toddler gurgled 'Zooma". 

To ensure that my sample was representative, I posed the question to a group of teenagers. 

"He is very important, hey",  said one. "He should have his own Tik-Tok channel."

They broke into a passable rendition of 'umShini Wami' and performed a rather clumsy imitation of Mr zuma's graceful dance steps. 

There we have it. Abelungu are obsessed with Mr Zuma. As the twitterati might put it, the events of Monday will have caused chest pains in households, boardrooms and clubs all over the country.

Long live, long dance the history-maker. 

Yours in the struggle against Abelungu and the quest for a place in history.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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A Promising Start, Mr Lesufi

 Dear Mr Lesufi

Congratulations on ascending the steep staircase to the premiership of Gauteng.

A promising start, as you tossed out assorted promises involving pharmaceutical companies rising from the Highveld soil, and other stuff essential to life, liberty and the elusive pursuit of happiness.

A patriot made some promises on social media on behalf of your comrade, Dr Mkhize. They were:

Ending loadshedding 

Creating jobs 

Ending factions 

Violent crimes (We already have these, so I assume that he meant an end to them).

Violence against women and children (same assumption)

Drug abuse (ditto)

I mention these because of the happy thought that, between you and the good doctor, you will put an end to the many troubles that we face in Gauteng, KZN, South Africa  (Oh, joy!). May I ask that you both add these to your lists:

World peace,

An end to destructive climate change, 

A chicken in every pot,

Of course, a pot for said chicken in every kitchen where there is none.

That should round it off quite nicely.

If i read the reports correctly, you have gathered around you a sort of Manchester United of provincial government. Ms Mokonyane of grocery list fame and  others who have made their indelible mark on the playing fields of ethical, competent leadership. Also, apparently on the pages of various newspapers. With such a team, who could lose?

Then there's that calm, restrained demeanour that you brought to your education job. You hunted racism in schools as Saint George was said to have hunted the dragon. You made the ringing declaration that you will never apologize to racists, nor bow down to right wingers. Stirring stuff. 

You seem to have kicked off in like calm, restrained, dignified fashion.  This might have been my fevered imagination, following the euphoria that resulted from the news of your appointment. I thought that I read about an accusation from you that the media are out to destroy the ANC.  Where is your faith, sir? The ANC is perfectly capable of doing that itself. No media help required.

Yours in the struggle to make and keep memorable promises.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Ethics and Math in South Africa

 It's been said that the typical math and ethics problems presented in classrooms are out of touch with reality.

"Train A leaves Johannesburg at 8am while Train B leaves Cape Town at 9am..."

Everyone knows that:

1. Trains are rarer than honest politicians 

2. Even if there were two such trains, they would never run on time

Some practical, relevant ethics and math problems:

1. You are being chased by a JMPD officer. 500 Metres away lies the safety of Hillbrow. 

Taking into account the average mass of a JMPD officer and your fastest adrenaline-fuelled times, calculate your chances of making a clean escape..

2. At Zoo Lake, Gwede Mantashe, Julius Malema, Dr Ace and Jacob Zuma simultaneously get into difficulty while swimming. You can save only one.

a. Who do you save?

b. How do you justify your actions to social media contacts and friends?

3. You are part of a fragile coalition governing an important metro. While you are fiercely loyal, you also have several pressing financial / life problems. Yoour wife and mistress need urgent surgery (tummy tuck and facelift, respectively), your BMW needs repairs... These problems  can be solved if you switch sides. 

The question is not whether you switch sides (given, if you're a good politician), but whether you tell the truth about your reasons. Keep in mind that honesty is your policy.

4. You have benefitted enormously from a tender to build a stadium. Newspapers countrywide have characterized the project as major fraud. You have bigger problems. Your mother-in-law, who hates you with intense hatred, and your brother, who has never worked a day in his life, both ask for a sizeable sum of money.

Do you help one, both or neither?

How do you deal with family fallout that may follow?

5. You have one KFC drumstick left over as you approach a traffic light. A hungry-looking man lifts a hand in appeal. 

Do you give him the chicken or save it for the traffic officer who has just signalled for you to pull over and may also be very hungry?

6. You want to start an ice cream business and employ five people. Calculate how long it would take to get your business off the ground on a R350 per month grant.

6. Your municipality has sewerage, water and pothole challenges. Given a budget of R500 million, calculate the number of functions, meetings and best-practice visits to foreign countries that you can fit in during the financial year before running out of budget.

7. Your friends are expressing their admiration for a politician whom you regard as slightly lower than the belly of a puff adder. You wish to keep the peace but also be true to yourself. 

Choose the most appropriate response;

1. Eish!

2 Ja well, no fine!

3. What do you think of Pirates?

4. Cough, cough, choke

5. The scuffle continues.

8. You are selling your latest best-seller from the boot of a Mercedes. Taking into account the space available, book dimensions and the insatiable demand for good literature in South Africa, calculate:

1. The time it will take to clear the boot.

2. The interval of time before you can fill the boot with your next best seller.

9. Your comrades are disrupting a city council meeting with tuneless singing and vigorous gyrations. You are horrified.

Do you show leadership and set the example by:

a. Stepping in and taking up the correct tune?

b. Showing off your own dance moves?

c. All of the above?

10. The Gautrain leaves Johannesburg for Pretoria at the same time as the Youth Minister's blue light convoy leaves for a critical, life-changing, nation-shaking luncheon. 

Calculate which course the minister and bodyguards will be tucking into by the time the Gautrain arrives.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723