Oh Capitec, My Capitec

Dear Capitec 

Like many other pensioners, I was thrilled at the recent whopping increase of R10 on my state pension. I suspect that many tears of joy were shed countrywide.

I think that the parliamentarians, having received their own little increase, were then moved with compassion for senior citizens. What would we do without this government?

Like many other pensioners, I am constantly on the lookout for opportunities to supplement the generous government grant. I found an outfit online that paid for reviews. They paid promptly. 

My joy at this discovery was short-lived. I woke one morning, ready for another fruitful day, only to find my Capitec account studded with zeros. Three phone calls later, I was told that there had been a complaint against the company. It was designated a scam / Ponzi scheme and all accounts had been stopped. Now,  it would have been useful to have been told this upfront. I know that guessing is more fun,  but I would have thought that being number one implies excellent service, which in turn implies excellent communication. But then again, I suppose I have some outdated ideas. This is, after all, South Africa. 

The service model pioneered by our government and enthusiastically emulated by many businesses is the famous 'Bugger The Customer' model. Following the advice of your Fraud Department, I had an affidavit drawn up at the local police station. This I took to your branch and the person who attended to me assured me that it had been loaded onto your, no doubt, magnificent system. 

I was told that there would be a five-day wait while the matter was looked into. Five days came and went. I ate bread and drank water, surprisingly nutritious. (Okay, that was a slight exaggeration - I had coffee too). 

I was at your branch this morning, where a gentleman, who seemed to be rather low on energy, assisted me. Well it is Monday and 'assisted' is probably an exaggeration. You have no doubt heard of the nine wasted years. We seem to have had five wasted days. It seemed to me that the gentleman had to start the entire matter from scratch, as if nothing had happened before. Whatever good humour I had,  evaporated. Strange that. I can't imagine why. 

When he told me that he could not find the affidavit, I became slightly perturbed. On the rare occasions that that happens, I tend to make much use of the letter 'f'. This was one such occasion. I then advised the gentleman that I would be writing an article highlighting the unique approach to service at Capitec. He seemed quite unmoved. 

I did receive a message from Capitec later. I could track my enquiry by following some simple steps. It would have been useful to know this the first time round. At any rate, I followed the steps. They led to a dark, dead end. I will say this for you: when you piss people off, you go all the way. No half-measures there. South African excellence in action.

I should know by now that courtesy and service, as in government, are reserved for those with connections, money and power. I really have to do something about these absurd ideas that roll around in my head concerning respect for all and similar foolishness. As mentioned before,  if you are number one, one can't wait to meet numbers two, three etc.

Yours in the struggle to find ever-elusive  courtesy, respect,service. 

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Scum

I thought that some of our politicians were the lowest form of life, until I came across the story below. 

Incidentally, I tried to find the most polite way to describe our corrupt bottom-feeders. Then I realized that this is the most polite way.

To the story. A friend is battling along on the state pension that was raised recently by a jaw-dropping ten rands. (Some pensioners wept with gratitude). 

My friend is an indefatigable battler and is constantly looking for online and other work. He was contacted on Whatsapp for online work, doing reviews. It sounded innocent enough.

"Is this legitimate", he asked, which is akin to asking many of our politicians if they lie or have 'smallanyana skeletons' in their spacious cupboards.

A few reviews later, my friend had a few rands in his account. Then he was asked to pay an amount into an account, order a specific item from a 'mall' and receive his money back plus a commission.  This twist made him uneasy but thousands of fellow workers seemed quite relaxed. He followed instructions and was paid.

Quite optimistic now, he looked at his bank account the next morning to be met by an array of zeroes. His account was frozen. Three calls later, the bank told him that the company was suspected to be a scam / Ponzi scheme. Their fraud department advised him to take an affidavit to the nearest branch outlining how he had come to work for the company.

Now if Capitec, number one bank in SA, couldn't be bothered to contact a customer up front but simply shut his account down as if he were a criminal, then one wonders what service is like at banks number two, three and so on. But service comes at a price in South Africa. Status, connections, money - without those, you are but a peasant in the eyes of many businesses and government services. Forget the flowery values statements. There is proof enough of the pudding in our encounters. 

My friend contacted the business and told them what had happened.

"Did you do something illegal?" asked the so-called assistant in an inspired burst of mingled irony and chutzpah.

"How can it be a scam if you were paid?" she asked later. 

Many South African politicians could answer that quite easily.

Like our so-called leaders, these so-called companies scam thousands of needy and desperate people. As if it were not enough that they are in a soul-destroying struggle to live. 

It takes a special kind of soullessness and ruthlessness on the part of both these members of this special Whatsapp group.

Some details for you, should you be contacted and tempted;

Initial Whatsapp contact: +1 (607) 453-8288

'Name': Sophia

'Mall': Luckyshopapp.com

Supposedly working for Google

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

.

Fighters

 Dear EFF Leadership 

I was delighted to read this tweet from a knowledgeable person, acknowledging my favourite fighting outfit:

"The EFF is the ONLY organisation thinking innovatively about a REAL transition towards equality and economic development."

As if to underline the words of the oracle, the next tweet reported a knock-down, drag-out brawl at an Ethekwini council meeting. Your councillors participated with great gusto. I like your cutting-edge approach to 'thinking innovatively about a real transition towards equality and 

economic development'. Nothing like split lips, cut cheeks and bleeding noses to speed transformation along. And, of course, a barroom-style brawl is a great leveller. Historical advantage and disadvantage count for nothing. It's all about speed and power.

On that note and with the greatest respect, a careful review of the otherwise inspirational video highlighted several challenges. While one cannot fault the enthusiasm of your ground forces, conditioning and technique require urgent attention.

As a martial arts enthusiast, I once more offer my coaching services at normal tender rates (various discounted packages included). It is obvious to even the most casual observer that a couple of well directed mae geri and mawashi geri kicks would have settled the issue speedily and efficiently. I am sure that Treasury would have been moved to return the 1.2 billion returned to them, instead of being spent on infrastructure.

Instead, we were treated to the embarrassing spectacle of your gallant fighters floundering like stranded whales (meant only figuratively).

I understand your indignation. Although the EFF reportedly chairs the infrastructure committee, we all know how easy it is for the odd billion to slip by. I once missed a R50 surplus on my budget. This is particularly true when such weighty matters as marches, boycotts, protests and occasional MMA encounters also demand your attention.

I don't blame you for allegedly blaming the city manager. Is it a DA person again?

At any rate, it certainly doesn't get more innovative than a good ol' skop, skiet en donner in the council chambers. Now why didn't we think of that before? I'm convinced that the poor and the disadvantaged would have been impressed, inspired and in deeper doo...oops, sorry, it's the damned autocorrect.

With this inspired approach to South Africa's many weighty challenges, we may bruise but how can we lose? 

My confidence is at an all-time high.

Yours in the fierce scuffle for transformation and economic freedom.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Field of Dreams

Dear South African Politicians 

There is a broader truth to this verse, quite apart from the context in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream':

"We are such stuff as dreams are made on..." 

You politicians do not understand that. Rassie Erasmus, Siya Kolisi and the Springbok rugby team do.  How, then, can you lead a country hungry for significance and success?

You  showed up at the final for photo opportunities (and perhaps other opportunities). Siya and his men showed up week after week for their country. For us. So did every South African whose heart beat, raced and skipped a beat with every eighty minutes played. 

You do not understand what happened on Saturday night. You see, the All Blacks, worthy opponents that they were, were only the personification of our real opposition:  the division that you have sown in our country, the hatred, the racism. The lie that we are not a  nation worthy of your best efforts. That we are not to hope and dream as other people do. But only with your permission and approval. That we are to stay within the dark, narrow lanes of your stunted imagination.

But on the field of dreams, our team kept alive our bruised, battered hopes and dreams.  We so desperately had to win. We were a people perishing for want of vision, as the Good Book says.

You do not understand the heart of South Africa. We love our country. We love our people. Even when there are times that we may not like one another. How could you understand that when  you dwell  in the dark places of selfishness, self-centredness, greed and a ravening hunger for power? Are these not the parents of that hideous progeny  called State Capture, conceived in the heat of such lusts? The heart is first captured. When you had given your hearts over to lust, how could you do otherwise?

“This team just shows what you can do. As soon as we work together, all is possible, no matter in what sphere – in the field, in offices, it shows what we can do..."

So said captain, Siya Kholisi.

Is this what you politicians fear? 

Kholisi went on to say something to the effect that we need to take this spirit and belief beyond the rugby field. 

So, to every opportunistic, greedy, power hungry politician and all your cronies,  South Africa says VOETSEK. We don't need you. 

ANC, EFF and the rest: eff you very much.

We are South Africa.

Yours in the real struggle.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Earth to Home Affairs

 Dear Home Affairs Management. 

This is a matter of utmost urgency and importance.

Please investigate without delay what is going on in the Northern Cape.

In the town of Postmasburg I visited your offices to try once more to get my hands on that much desired document,  a South African identity document. Having failed four times in Durban,  I was not exactly filled with hope and optimism. 

The first clue that something strange is going on here was the absence of a fierce,  jail warden-type security guard at the entrance. I was puzzled. This was not the Home Affairs that I have come to know and love.

Also absent were the rat-like characters scurrying around, offering places in the queue for a fee, or offering expensive ID photographs. Bigger shocks were yet to come. The offices were clean, orderly and very well signposted. Although I had brought my shaving kit along, I did not need it, as I was inside the building within a very short time.

Of course, in Durban I merely glimpsed the shadowy, mysterious interior from my position in the queue outside. The joy and honour of actually entering were not to be mine on the four occasions that I spent an enjoyable day at your premises.

Service in Postmasburg was efficient, polite and even friendly. In truth, it was real service. The sight of a South African civil servant smiling is rather disconcerting, when one has never seen it before. I thought for a moment that I had said something hilariously wrong. I fully expected Leon Schuster  or someone else  to step up and say:

 "The joke's on you . There's a camera there and another one over there. You didn't really think this was a Home Affairs office, did you? Ha, ha, ha." 

Backslapping and embarrassed grins.

I applied for and received my smart, new identity document in about two weeks. I had spent fewer than two hours in total at the Home Affairs offices. The experience was so unsettling that I had to lie down for two hours after. 

Surely this is not the South African way. I think that you ought to send inspectors to the department here. Surely you cannot allow such a flagrant disregard of organisational culture to flourish. Who knows but that South Africans will be expecting and demanding civil and efficient service from government next. Perhaps even honesty and ethical behaviour. Lord forbid. What kind of society will we have if you folks are deprived of your feudal rights to lord it over the peasants like yours truly? Where will be the grimy, chaotic South Africa that we have come to know and enfold in our hearts?

Please act swiftly. Our very way of life is in peril.

Yours in the struggle to preserve the old ways.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bananas

 Reports of corruption, incompetence and buffoonery dominate the news.

It was good to read a tweet on something completely different: the struggle against banana abuse.

Apparently, a deputy minister valiantly defended his fruit bowl from an audacious banana raid. That is his version of events. The other party involved reportedly claimed that he was defending his own fruit bowl from a similar onslaught. One hopes that the layers of this banana saga will be peeled away.

The tweet:

"The complainant - a 33-year old male parliamentary staffer, alleges that deputy minister, Cde Dr Sibongiseni Dhlomo inappropriately touched his genitals before trying to push him onto his bed. 

Dhlomo, in turn, counterclaims that the man invaded his space & “took a banana” from his fruit basket without permission before he chased him away..."

I was surprised to read of 'inappropriate' touching of genitals, as I was unaware that an appropriate option exists. Perhaps that is why Mr Malema boldly spoke of having parliamentarians by the scrotum. 

Dr Dhiomo is a medical doctor and deputy minister of health. He was born in uMbumbulu on the KZN South Coast. This explains several things. Bananas are important to the economy of the South Coast. As a health expert, the good doctor knows  how important bananas are in improving the immune system and reducing the risk of disease, among others. It follows that he would repel any raids with commendable vigour and every means at his disposal. That need not exclude pushing aspiring raiders onto beds. Being from KZN myself, I imagine that the doctor's technique was refined by having to repel those impertinent coastal monkeys from time to time. 

It was prudent of the gentleman not to take the invasion of his space lying down. I am sure that from such seemingly small incidents are such things as land invasions born. Go back into Putin's history. I guarantee you that you will find a trail of space invasion and  banana snatching. Probably from an early age. Left unchecked, look where it has got us to! 

Of course there is the alternative  version that suggests that bananas were the last thing on the deputy minister's mind. Sigh! This promises to be as difficult to prove or disprove as an allegation involving masseurs and ministers (just plucked that one at random from my fertile, fevered imagination).

One can but hope that before it all went banana shaped, the meeting was fruitful.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann

+27 833970723

Ubuntu

I needed to travel to the Northern Cape. At one of our retail giants, I enquired about ticket prices and travel dates. "No", said the helpful assistant. "We do not give senior citizen discounts". Disappointing, but there it was.

 I returned a few days later to buy  tickets for a two stage journey. A different helpful assistant was behind the counter. The ticket price had gone up by R200, which I thought was rather dramatic for an interval of a few days. However, this particular assistant did give senior citizen discounts. So all was well that ended well - that far. 

No sooner had I purchased my tickets, than I received SMS's from the bus companies advising that my journey would be cancelled if I did not pay up within the specified.time A little bizarre, as simple logic would suggest that I could not be holding two tickets in my grubby hands had I not paid for them.

Thus began the joyous game of "all our lines are busy, please be patient". After the customer service person had blamed the retail giant for an unfortunate misunderstanding, we parted good friends, promising to meet up for tea at some time on the future.

The next challenge was that my pick up instructions for the first stage of the journey were somewhat confusing. They read something like:

'Pick up at Caltex service station drop off JTV'. Several possibilities suggested themselves. Would they pick me up and then drop me off a few hundred metres  down the road, just to add a fun element to the trip? Was this perhaps a game of 'choose your favourite pick up point'? I called,  just for the heck of it. After we had confirmed which of the two points was the pickup point, I pointed out to the service person that this was rather confusing. For example, why mention 'drop off' when all that I needed was to be picked up. We then had a slightly heated discussion. The essence of her argument was 'This Is How We Do It and it would be terribly inconvenient to do it any other way'. The essence of my argument was 'I am the customer.  I need clarity and not to be left clutching my luggage and scratching my head at the wrong rendezvous'. The service person terminated the conversation with what a suspicious person might have considered huffy abruptness. I am not suspicious. I do understand that we customers need to be more considerate and not disturb the even tenor of the lives of our suppliers.

I had made a similar trip from Durban station more than two years ago.  The escalators were not working then. They were not working now. Our guys are consistent. Few things in this life equal the joy of lugging suitcases and bags up two dead escalators.  A large, cheery sign greeted me at the top  'PRASA Welcomes You To The Future'. I looked around the dark, malodorous station with its indoor potholes. Would that future involve a zombie apocalypse, then? The place certainly looked like the set of the movie.

At the set time  of  the rumbling stomach,  I visited a fish shop which sold  everything except fish. It turned out that the shop had changed hands but the effort of removing references to  fish had proved too much for the new owner, exhausted from the Herculean labours of wheeling and dealing. Perfectly understandable. 

There was a sign in the shop announcing that cellphones would no longer be  charged because of the misbehaviour of customers. I felt the guilt of my entire race descend upon me - the race of customers with a penchant for misbehaviour.

Anyway, the bus itself was bound to be an improvement. The driver sternly warned us that we were on no account to leave the bus unless he expressly announced that we may do so at a rest stop. Suitably chastened,  we paid attention. He went on to say that the toilets were for Number One only and that Number Two would require special arrangements.  He mumbled something about the bush which I didn't  perfectly catch. I have always been confused about what exactly each of those numbers represents. I was not about to display my ignorance of that most basic of life skills to a bus full of strangers.

The bus  just managed to cross the discomfort to comfort divide. There were minor challenges  - cellphone charging ports not working, no water in the Number One toilet. Little things that shouldn't trouble the reasonable traveller who enjoys eating with unwashed hands after a bit of number one.

And that's how we roll (downhill) in South Africa, customer service excellence and Ubuntu our rallying cry.

I suppose one might summarize it along these lines:

1. Both government and large swathes of the private sector live by the dictum that South Africans are not deserving of their best (or even moderate) efforts. Ubuntu is cunningly hidden and disguised.

2. Customers are too weary or pessimistic or cynical to demand better for their taxes and rands.

No real surprise. We have been fed mouthfuls of this manure for years by a corrupt, callous govt that thinks it proper to raise pensions by R10. Their own increases, of course, commensurate with the value that they add.

Viva New Dawn, Seven Pillars, Ubuntu and all the other inspirational stuff.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723