Parties of Substance

Dear Fellow South Africans 

I appeal to you to make rational, sensible voting choices, as I do.

I'm currently in Cape Town and can't wait to get back to decolonised Hillbrow. I miss evening walks, redolent with the mingled fragrances of marijuana, blocked drains and gently maturing garbage. I yearn for the musical  sound of young voices cursing, screaming, laughing drunkenly.

What has the governing party done here besides provide a safe, clean, functioning city? Nothing, I tell you. The colonized city surrounds dissuaded me from taking a hit from the nip bottle in my jacket. I had a miserable time, those do-gooder, Lesufi-type public safety people watching everything. 

I attended a DA meeting. Nothing to see there. There were  boring speeches about plans to grow employment and the like. The dancing was atrocious. Not one decent insult or imaginative threat to fan the fire in one's blood.

In pleasant contrast was the meeting  where the CIC's growls, yells, threats and insults raised the gooseflesh on my arms. So moved and excited was I, that when I woke from a brief power nap, I yelled out 'Sieg Heil!' Got it all a bit confused with a documentary I'd been watching on YouTube, while listening to the speech. I quickly lowered my right arm when people turned to stare. Now that's campaigning, compatriots! The campaign promises were the stuff of sweet, shining dreams.  No half measures there.  I can't wait to get my hands on one of those wine estates. 

It was hard to choose between that meeting and the MK one that I also attended. I like to keep my options open and, in some parts, having several party cards could save one from the odd bollocking. Mr Zuma's voice soared gloriously, as he sang the poignant, timeless classic about military ordinance. I'm not sure what MK is about apart from sorting out Abelungu and the ANC. Who cares? Damned good singing and dancing. If that isn't good electioneering, then I don't know what is.

So, you see, for me it's all about competence and integrity. Can the candidate make a goosebump-raising speech? Can he / she / they hold a tune? Is the dancing faithful to tune and rhythm? Are the slogans memorable, the promises big, bold and brassy? 

Colourful T-shirts, nutritious Streetwise Two packs, braai aroma wafting on the breeze - now that's the sort of political party that gives me confidence in the future.

It's a no-brainer.

Yours in the struggle for sensible voting choices.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Just Limericks

An SG named Mbalula 

Talked firepools and a past ruler

Some thought him most cool

Others dubbed him 'damned fool'

And his comrades wished he would thula

You can't keep a good man down

Some say it's the same for a clown

He was thought to be dying

But for glory he's vying

With MK, he's stickin' aroun'

You could lose your grants says Cyril

So vote someone else at your peril

That's dodgy as hell

But of course it'll sell

Just the same as the usual hog swill

On X you can lose your sanity

It seems the dregs of humanity

Here gather like flies

Not much edifies

Just curses, threats and inanity 

Like vultures to a grim feast

From the north, the south and the east

Politicians descend 

Perhaps it's the end

As they chow up what's left of the beast

A philosopher named Dr Ace

Left the ANC in disgrace

He formed his own party

Intellectual and arty

Now with MK he's up for the race

Malema's been called a flip-flopper

But in some things he is very proper 

In insulting consistent

In marching persistent

Said to be a discerning shopper 

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bafana and Buffoonery

Watching Bafana last night amble their way listlessly to the accustomed thrashing,  this came to mind. Bafana are a truly South African soccer team. 

They represent so much of what makes us such an interesting country. Has coach Hugo Broos explained to the team that soccer, at its most fundamental,  is about scoring goals? And keeping them out at your end?

We expect the same of our government. A layman's take on some of those goals: to build a safe country where people can hope, dream, do. Do their best and give of their best  for their communities,  their country,  their continent  and ultimately  their world. 

In winning countries, people build, contribute, create (the tangible and the intangible). In losing countries, people destroy, burn and break. Three guesses as to which team category we fall into. Bafana failed us last night. Our government fails us dismally daily.

Bafana fiddled in the middle and often seemed at a loss as to what to do differently. Sound familiar? Our government and our politicians also fiddle, like Nero, passing around insults threats,  and hopelessly improbable promises. The goal posts stand desolate,  a long way off. 

A commentator praised our diski skills, so often on display in the PSL (before Bafana started to implode). That is the problem. We need to play football not diski. This is not the Premier League. This is the African Cup of Nations. Dear politicians, you too, in your limited imaginations, are stuck in a little league. Flashes of diski in the international arena and on other stages do not score goals. It's a much bigger competition that we are playing in.  There's much more at stake.  Think survival  think national security in its broadest sense,  think generations to come. 

The ball skills of our players are, at least, a joy to behold. Your diski, political people, is the most unattractive, useless thing to behold. 

The name Bafana is a most unfortunate one. Perhaps a dreary, self-fulfilling prophecy. Our team is indeed like a bunch of boys who have wandered into the big pitch where adults play. Ditto for our government.

Our contribution to Africa and the world should be much, much more  than dining out on the glories of struggles past. "The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on..." (Omar Khayyàm). Bafana lack urgency, passion and ideas. So too, do our government and politicians. Mr Broos,  please teach the team that they need  to do things differently when pushing the ball around the middle, the back and back to the goalkeeper is not working. It's too late to teach our government that. Pushing the clichès, slogans, insults and blame around is all that they have done their entire, inconsequential political lives.  We need a new team now.  

Our defense in both games is caught napping often.  One can mention last night's game, the 2021 unrest, chaos at the borders and much more. To quote someone, 'we never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity'. We also never miss an opportunity to stuff it up. Last night's missed penalty and almost 30 years of squandered opportunity attest. We are starved of goals.  At least where Bafana are concerned they are able to show off some sparkling ball skills.  With each attempt at showing off their diski skills, our politicians sink deeper into a morass of incompetence, corruption and buffoonery. 

We the people of South Africa are choked with  disappointment, frustration and the anger that follows betrayal . We don't need substitutions. We need a team that understands the game and can actually play. One of our PSL teams is fondly nicknamed Abafana bes'Thende (very loosely, 'boys of the heel'), in praise of their skills. Should we not fondly nickname you politicians Abafana beSisu (boys of the stomach), in praise of your skills?

Many, many of you politicians do not belong on the pitch. Time to hang up your muddy boots. 

I've seen calls on social media for you all to f..k off. So rude. I'd suggest that you all quietly piss off, instead.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

South Africa's Brightest and Best

Fellow South Africans, we are spoiled for choice. 

In the red corner, a fiery orator who makes the Austrian guy look like a speaker at one of those  women's temperance meetings of old. 

In the yellow, a man who allegedly showed his contempt for America's bullying ways by parking his backside on the almighty dollar.

In the far corner, back from reluctant retirement, the man who claimed to know "nothing, nothing, nothing" and is setting out to prove that yet again.

Difficult choices. Some of their major achievements to date:

Mr Zuma would have transformed South Africa into a Nando's-chicken-in-every-pot country. Nine years of valiant struggle against the forces of WMC, Abelungu, the CIA, George Soros, van Riebeeck, Apartheid and others even more wicked, took a toll on his delicate health. Betrayed by spies and treacherous comrades (Et tu Cyril?), he remains Lord of the Dance.

Mr Zuma apparently cannot stand for a third term, says our constitution. A small obstacle for a man who is said to have already voided his bladder on said constitution. One who, some say, is demonstrating that the law can be an assho..., sorry, ass.

It may be that Mr Zuma is there to support two other candidates.

 One is Dr Ace Magashule, philosopher (honorary doctorate in philosophy from Turkish university, which obviously saw in him what we all missed). Dr Ace fought the good fight to free the Free State from the twin scourges of corruption and asbestos. I have no idea how much success he had with asbestos. The 'Acebestos' nickname is probably in recognition of his efforts.

This speech, to rival anything from William or Dr Martin Luther King, should reassure doubters that Dr Ace earned that PhD:

. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."

The clarity, the homespun wisdom, the alliteration: this man is presidential material.

When a former chief justice,  with years of Solomonic judgements behind him, decides that MK represents the best and brightest in South African politics, who am I to argue? My membership form is signed and ready to go via Pep's courier service. Mr Mogoeng would apparently lose pension and benefits if he stood. So what? Mr Zuma and others have ably demonstrated that the South African presidency offers many opportunities to....contribute.

I admire Mr Malema most for backing the first South African bank to take the bold step of distributing product samples to selected customers. Mr Malema's flexibility and open-mindedness are often characterized by the ignorant as flip-flopping. One must keep an open mind, even if it means not allowing brain matter to obstruct the passage of whatever passes through. With great taste in branded clothing, a thirst for peace, joy and brotherly love across open borders and a sure grasp of scrotal politics, this is your renaissance man.

Mr Ramaphosa painted a bright picture of a Wakanda with smart cities and bullet trains. He's had mixed reults. Cities are smarting from years of municipal buffoonery. Bullets fly in trains, taxis and your friendly neighborhood dens for thugs, zamas and izinkabi. Give the man a chance. Frogs are not boiled in a day.

Donald, we in Africa are as ready and intellectually equipped as you are, to grasp the scrotum of a future, complex, challenging and dangerous.

Who is a sh..hole country now?

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Sound and the Fury

Dear Mr Malema 

I am sorely disappointed in your latest, rather pedestrian speech in support of Hamas.

As the Churchill of revolutionary, populist oratory,  one had hoped that your inspirational speeches would grow in fiery luminosity over time. 

Your latest effort was no different from what you have done in the past. Where was the gloriously gory stuff about disembowelment, severing heads and the other truly violent stuff that one expects from a revolutionary such as yourself?  I think that your Hamas comrades would have been disappointed.  As would your idol,  Chè Guevara,  had he lived to witness  this dismal performance.

Is it not time that you joined the older folk from umKhonto weSisu?  (I hope I got that right). I think that is more your speed. Perhaps it is time to hand over to the younger,  more practical revolutionaries like Floyd. He, at least is a man of action. Who can forget the classic chokehold that he put on that impertinent  journalist some time ago?

You mentioned that you will support Hamas with arms when you ascend the presidential podium. As that will probably be 30 years from now, you need to consider whether it might be somewhat late. I vaguely remember that you also promised to supply Russia With arms when you become president. Of course this will be quite possible, as the economy is bound to flourish under your capable leadership.  One remembers your support  for the brilliant VBS initiative. My,  how that took off! I so wish that the WMC banks would have learned from that glorious experiment.

I see our deserts bloom under your leadership  (guided, of course, by the tenets of dialectical materialism). I cannot wait to see you take the economy by the scrotum, as you once took our parliamentarians (by your own account).

But sir,  you really need to turn up the fire and the fury if you are to keep and hold the attention and interest  of this generation of followers. Remember that you face serious opposition in the form of MK,  whose leader  not only has a track record of  brilliant statesmanship  but also the kind of comic performance that has audiences in stitches.  It seems the best that you can do in the humour  department is to talk of kissing the enemy. Sir, that is not funny but rather vaguely creepy. 

A friend suggested that there is a different path you could follow, if you really want to build a worthwhile  legacy in the life of South Africa. He rambled on about wisdom and humility, instead of the frenzied ravings of a hormonally imbalanced teenager. I was aghast when he opined that humility is essential in healthy leadership. It is impossible, he said, to cultivate understanding and a spirit of real service without humility. How Uncle Tommish, white tendencied and counterrevolutionary! After all, you yourself quoted the piece of wisdom that a revolutionary is a walking, killing machine. Quite so. After laughing long and hard, I rebuked him soundly. 

Why on earth would a world famous CIC want to do anything so absurd?

Yours in the struggle to fan the flames of revolution with the fiery breath of flaming oratory.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Sly Way

Enough of depressing politics. Some music.

To the tune of My Way

And now the time is here 

We've got your vote and that's for certain 

My friends we'll light the braais,and you can eat until you're hurtin'

We've filled your ears with bulI, took you down each and every byway

And more, much more than this,  we took the sly way

Regrets, well just a few

But then again too few to mention 

We did what we could do, took what we could, without exemption

 We planned each charted course

 Each blue light dash along the highway

 And more, much more than this

 We took the sly way 

You've moaned, protested, cried

But haven't had your fill of losing 

You'll never turn the tide

It's so bizarre and so amusing

To think we did all that

And may we say, not in a shy way

Oh no, not ANC, we took the sly way.

 Yes, there were times I'm sure you knew

 When we got into deep doodoo

 But through it all, when there was doubt we made stuff  up and spat it out 

You ate it up, some took the fall

We took the sly way

 For what is this land, what has it got? 

We've looted some, there's still a lot

To tempt the heart of one who steals

 And at the trough of gravy kneels

 No record shows

 Away it blows

We took the sly way 

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Ice Cream Businesses

 Dear Mr Ramaphosa 

My comrades, (real comrades), and I took careful note of your threat.. pardon, warning, about the possible disappearance of NSFAS and social grants, should the ANC receive a deserved bollocking at the polls 

We love it when campaigning politicians lay out bold, inspirational plans and visions for the future: life, liberty and the pursuit of ice cream businesses. We got to thinking about what else could disappear if you and the comrades rode off into the sunset, fat pensions tucked into your saddle bags. 

We would probably miss the gobbledygook and the balderdash that is poured out daily. I recently learned a new word while playing the Balderdash board game.  Bumbilation refers to buzzing and humming noises.  We would, of course, miss your unceasing bumbilation and your admirably consistent bumbling. 

I suppose that we would have to rely more on the EFF, MK and assorted splinter parties and proxies for our daily ration of humour. 

Would corruption disappear? I don't know. It seems to be so embedded in our South African Souls. We have been accustomed to having it with our breakfast cereal,  morning tea and every meal thereafter. A friend once said that she actually feels dirty driving through South Africa. Perhaps a bit extreme but graphic enough.  That is the thing about wading through horse manure and the ordure of bulls daily. 

As a child, I and my other real comrades had the rare treat of attending a circus for the first time in our rural area. The circus was a complete fraud,  as we discovered later when the fire eater,   equestrian, tightrope walker and others turned out to be the same multitasking  man  in various disguises.  What's more he was a local fellow who swore in fluent  isiZulu when a hammer was dropped on his toe, while he went through his 'Mustapha, The Amazing Egyptian Magician' act.  Angry folk trashed the big top and even the lone horse and a few goats took flight. The next morning there was not even the slightest trace to tell that the circus had come to town. One hopes most sincerely that the disappearance of your circus will be as complete and final.

We too,  are weary  of the sloppy performances. The ring master who drones on but never says anything of consequence. Whose promises inevitably fall as flat  as the tightrope walker who made his tentative, timid walk on a disappointingly low wire. The equestrian who might as well have been flogging a long dead horse. The magician whose best contribution was the string of curses that he uttered when hammer met toe. 

We are utterly weary of being defrauded in this inept,  sham circus show.  We have had far more patience than the angry citizens who chased the ring master and multitasking performer into the night. We too want a refund on our exorbitantly expensive tickets. 

If you think this harsh, it's not as harsh as the reality that after almost thirty years of freedom and democracy, we ruminate and regurgitate, like slow oxen, the same cliches, slogans and elusive promises as at the beginning. We sit in the same real darkness of Eskom and the almost equally palpable darkness of a society compassed about by anger, hatred,horrific crime, hopelessness and corruption. There must be something deeply wrong with freedom and democracy,  then. Oh wait. Does it perhaps have anything to do with the people that we naively trusted to lead us fearlessly into the New Dawn of freedom and democracy? 

Comrades, you could redeem yourselves  by performing one really  good circus trick  - disappearing completely.

Yours in the struggle for life, liberty, the pursuit of ice cream businesses  and the removal of bumbilating politicians.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723