Fellow South Africans, we are spoiled for choice.
In the red corner, a fiery orator who makes the Austrian guy look like a speaker at one of those women's temperance meetings of old.
In the yellow, a man who allegedly showed his contempt for America's bullying ways by parking his backside on the almighty dollar.
In the far corner, back from reluctant retirement, the man who claimed to know "nothing, nothing, nothing" and is setting out to prove that yet again.
Difficult choices. Some of their major achievements to date:
Mr Zuma would have transformed South Africa into a Nando's-chicken-in-every-pot country. Nine years of valiant struggle against the forces of WMC, Abelungu, the CIA, George Soros, van Riebeeck, Apartheid and others even more wicked, took a toll on his delicate health. Betrayed by spies and treacherous comrades (Et tu Cyril?), he remains Lord of the Dance.
Mr Zuma apparently cannot stand for a third term, says our constitution. A small obstacle for a man who is said to have already voided his bladder on said constitution. One who, some say, is demonstrating that the law can be an assho..., sorry, ass.
It may be that Mr Zuma is there to support two other candidates.
One is Dr Ace Magashule, philosopher (honorary doctorate in philosophy from Turkish university, which obviously saw in him what we all missed). Dr Ace fought the good fight to free the Free State from the twin scourges of corruption and asbestos. I have no idea how much success he had with asbestos. The 'Acebestos' nickname is probably in recognition of his efforts.
This speech, to rival anything from William or Dr Martin Luther King, should reassure doubters that Dr Ace earned that PhD:
. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."
The clarity, the homespun wisdom, the alliteration: this man is presidential material.
When a former chief justice, with years of Solomonic judgements behind him, decides that MK represents the best and brightest in South African politics, who am I to argue? My membership form is signed and ready to go via Pep's courier service. Mr Mogoeng would apparently lose pension and benefits if he stood. So what? Mr Zuma and others have ably demonstrated that the South African presidency offers many opportunities to....contribute.
I admire Mr Malema most for backing the first South African bank to take the bold step of distributing product samples to selected customers. Mr Malema's flexibility and open-mindedness are often characterized by the ignorant as flip-flopping. One must keep an open mind, even if it means not allowing brain matter to obstruct the passage of whatever passes through. With great taste in branded clothing, a thirst for peace, joy and brotherly love across open borders and a sure grasp of scrotal politics, this is your renaissance man.
Mr Ramaphosa painted a bright picture of a Wakanda with smart cities and bullet trains. He's had mixed reults. Cities are smarting from years of municipal buffoonery. Bullets fly in trains, taxis and your friendly neighborhood dens for thugs, zamas and izinkabi. Give the man a chance. Frogs are not boiled in a day.
Donald, we in Africa are as ready and intellectually equipped as you are, to grasp the scrotum of a future, complex, challenging and dangerous.
Who is a sh..hole country now?
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
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