Confessions of a Colonial Clerk

Dear Aunt Betty 

 

 I am in desperate need of your advice.  I have endured such scorn and abuse as is usually reserved for those who suggest that Mr Zuma so much as glanced sideways at dirty money.

The thing is: I don't know why. You see, I penned a perfectly harmless tweet and signed it 'Colonial Clerk'. I am indeed a clerk in an Eastern Cape municipality. As some of us still call the Eastern Cape 'eKoloni' (the Colony), I thought this a mildly witty effort. An avalanche of vitriol descended on me from supporters of the ANC, EFF and a dozen other abbreviated organisations. I had no idea that clerical work was so despised. Some accused me of being in league with the Oppressors. 

So depressed was I by the negativity and naked hatred that I began seeing a psychiatrist. We have been dating now for six months. That is going well except for when she frequently asks: "How does that make you feel?" The other problem still remains. I still get angry and sarcastic questions about Johan Rupert

(whom I have never met), the CIA and my 'handlers'. I thought that being in the company of such well-known people as Redi Tlabi, Thuli Madonsela and Phumlani Majozi might help, but despair weighs me down like a smallanyana, but weighty, skeleton in the cupboard.

Should I resign my position or request a name change to my job title? That seems to have worked very well for various cities and streets on South Africa. Many of them are still impoverished and filthy but there's something about a new name. Like wearing one's new Christmas clothes for a day, before getting back into one's grubby shorts and party t-shirt.

Perhaps I should join the new Mkhonto party. It seems to have given Mr Zuma a new lease on life. I am already a card-carrying EFF member (aside from my Pick 'n Pay and Shoprite cards). I feel that it is time for change, as my psychiatrist friend keeps reminding me. Perhaps being in a party that scores above ten percent in by-elections will revive my flagging spirits. Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy singing jolly songs about killing people, while marching on an assortment of despicable organisations. I just have a hunch that this new party may well represent the noblest, purest aspirations of our people.

Aunt Betty, I treasure your advice as Mr Ramaphosa treasures ANC unity, love and peace. And the preservation of their good name and reputation for competence and integrity. I hope to hear from you soon. I'll listen on the radio, loadshedding permitting.

Yours in the struggle for restored respectability.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723