Keeping South Africans In Line

Dear ANC

Since you occupied the draughty, cobwebbed corridors of power, one of the wonderful improvements that you have brought into our lives is the Ubiquitous, Endless Queue. 

What on earth would we do with all that time if we didn't queue all day outside Home Affairs and other glittering monuments to service and efficiency?

I was at a municipal building in Durban, a city renowned for clean, efficient local government. Jokes aside,  there seemed to be two queues, though it was hard to tell. And people kept changing queues, as rumours circulated as to which queue was for what. Most were there to submit rates rebate forms. Yes, I can see how a devilishly complex exercise like that would require a full day's queuing.

So clever not to put out chairs. Those 80 year olds could  get ideas above their station. Let the aching knees remind them who's in charge. Also, they need to  appreciate the chairs inside when they finally reach the equally long, indoor queues. It must be clear who's doing favours for whom. Citizens need to know their (stationary) station in life. Outlandish concepts like service or uBuntu confuse our people.

You could put out posters or notices to help people identify the right queue. But then, where's the wholesome fun of the government guessing game? 

In some benighted countries, managers  actually manage the processes. Apparently, that's what they are paid for. How quaint. They monitor, innovate, engineer and simplify processes. But I'm sure that our lot have mountains of paperwork. Far more important than 80 year old, aching knees. That kind of intricate work demands good managerial  skills. And there must be  important teas, lunches, jovial conversations and more to attend to. Important to spend time on the things that matter most.  

Besides, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Or if they don't complain loudly enough.

In fairness, though, dear ANC, I think that you are close to the struggles of ordinary people in South Africa. You have the common touch. I thought of Ms Mbete's valiant struggle to acquire her driver's licence. It's an entertaining tale, replete with mystery, riddles and perhaps even time-travel. This from a report: 

“I don’t have time to stand in queues,” she argued, “I am not required to stand in queues at airports and things.”

Yes, you too have burdens to bear and your patient humility is an example to us all.

Yours in the struggle to keep our people in line.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Ukraine And Soccer

 Dear South African TV People 

I am confused.

Is the war in the Ukraine over? I've seen little or nothing about it on South African TV news  for days now. The BBC, CNN and others still carry lengthy, regular reports. Could this be the propaganda of the warmongering West, of which the saintly Mr Putin speaks so eloquently? (Apart from the fact that his accent resembles something I've heard in a Wentworth pub in the late hours, I'm moved by his warm, sincere manner. Almost to tears). He is ably supported by our own righteously upright Mr Zuma and other Wise Ones.

Congratulations on your sterling efforts to entertain, inform and educate.  Some of your news reports and reporters are most entertaining. Unfortunately, they neither inform nor educate. But then, you can't have everything, can you? Unless you're a well-set member of one of the political parties. Or a cadre in good standing. And one out of three ain't bad, as our education ministers and officials would probably say.

It would have been instructive to see a probing interview with Mr Mbalula on his visit to Ukraine and his landing in (sick.., sorry, sic) the moon. Who knows what treasures of scientific discovery he might have shared. We might have been transported with delight and wonder. And that would be a first for the transport portfolio.

I would also love to see some real interviews with those accused of corruption and gross incompetence. That would fill a year's worth of programming. And that's just government.

We do understand that you have an avalanche of really important news to deal with: soccer, Tik Tok videos, lengthy memorial services, commentary on the obvious and more. Where would we be without these fragrant offerings?

Yours in the struggle to obfusc..., sorry, educate, entertain and inform.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Zuma's Day In Court

 Dear Mr Zuma

I don't understand the huffing, puffing, to-ing and fro-ing over your latest court appearance saga. It's quite obvious where the problem lies, isnt it?

The link between the proximity of courtrooms and your bouts of illness needs to be carefully investigated. It may be to do with the structures. We've heard of the sick buildings concept.

On the other hand,  perhaps the word 'courtroom' itself, is what sets you off.. You think this ridiculous? Words have power. A hypnotist can cause murder to be committed with a trigger-word. The word 'war' lands people in a Russian gaol for fifteen years. In South Africa, people are driven into paroxyisms of rage or transports of ecstacy by quite commonplace words and phrases such as 'step aside', "corruption', 'tender', 'judiciary', 'constitution', 'rule of law', 'VBS', 'Zondo Commission'. I. have been known to break out in hives at the mention of the word 'SARS'. 

I suggest we discard the word 'courtroom'. It is insulting and humiliating. Quite possibly racist too. We could call it the 'Place of Vindication'. After all,  that's what we're expecting, if we can just get you to spend a day or two. Once you've recovered fully. Nothing unusual about removing humiliating words from our lexicon. It's been suggested, for example, that we remove 'illegal' and 'immigrant' ( in that particular sequence) from our vocabulary. One can picture a not-illegal-immigrant just about  to crawl under the border fence. He spots a windblown newspaper on the South African side, "Illegal Immigrants" the headline. Wounded to the soul, he abandons his not-illegal immigration attempt and shuffles off home. 

Anyway, sir, I suggest that you stand firm until an investigation has been concluded. There is no point in  risking your delicate health just to satisfy the  justice people and most of South Africa . Your health is paramount. There are struggle songs yet to be sung. Vigorous dances yet to be performed . Wooing  to be done (of the hearts and minds of the people. Not the other thing, oh ye  of base imagination). Let us keep perspective and priorities before us.

This should buy a  useful few months.  I am not suggesting that you want a delay. On the contrary,  you've stated clearly that you want your day in court and your behaviour gives  no cause to doubt your sincerity. Or your burning, nay, flaming, impatience to see justice done. In fact, I am sure you had already girded up your  once-presidential loins  in tasteful, formal, courtroom-friendly attire. I imagine that you were striding purposefully to the door, when, oy vey,  like Superman and kryptonite,  the tingling  began. Or whatever other dreadful symptoms you are afflicted with. The fact that you first felt the full fury of the latest attack on the very day  you were due to appear, bears out my carefully researched theory.

There are those cynics who aver that you are playing games. Who plays games with a  subject as delicate as health. Was not this the very cause of your righteous indignation with some individual (name escapes me)? Some legal chap.

Had you wanted to play games,  you could have gone to court and named the legions of spies that you once spoke of.  That would have been good for a month of court time. But you are not one to waste taxpayers' time and hard-earned money. Didn't you prove that while in the highest office? Didn't you prove that with your strenuous efforts to have your month in court, against a run of very bad luck, poor health and other stuff?

Sir, I am ready to discuss this approach  over tea. And perhaps whatever cake is left over from the historic, Malema high-tea visit. You need a non-legal mind, to help take in the broad panorama, not just the narrow causeway of things juristic. As you have demonstrated, there is more to life than just the law.

Yours in the arduous struggle to balance the scales of justice. 

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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 '

Moonstruck Mr Mbalula

Dear Mr Mbalula 

Thank you for your tweets advising us that you had just landed, first in Ukraine, then 'in' the moon.  At least you went one better than the Americans. They only landed on the moon.

I don't know how we would have got through the day without that information. You are, after all, said to be our own Kim Kardashian of the twittersphere.

Had you really landed in Ukraine, you might have noticed, between state business, (translation: shopping, according to some), that their trains are running in the midst of a war. I imagine that your insightful response would have been: 'Hawu'.

Had you really landed 'in' the moon, you would probably have scoffed at its vaunted craters. Thanks to you and your party, we already have those on our roads in Mpumalanga and elsewhere.

Sir, what possessed you, a ninja and jedi of transportation management, to pen such twaddle?  I don't know if you see yourself as a jolly, good-old-boy, minister-of-the-people. No sir, that only comes with achievement. Ask man-of-the-people former president Zuma. You and he should have learned from the inimitable Cat Stevens: "It's hard to get by just upon a smile, girl".

Sir, one can but make some assumptions:

You tweeted after some copious tea consumption (like the revered judge who drove into a wall), or

As Dryden put  it: "Great wits are sure to madness near allied. And thin partitions do their bounds divide". Some would argue that you are innocent of the 'great wits' charge. You have spent time in the company of intellectual titans: Ms Duarte, queen of logic, Dr Ace, philosopher-king in waiting, that internationally renowned mathematician, geographer, and emperor-in-limbo, Mr Zuma. Others, too numerous to list. And as the Roman philosopher, Flatulus Maximus, wrote: "He who spends much time in the company of the wise shall, in time, be as wise".

Or, it may be that you were merely doing what so many South African politicians do with impunity: mooning us.

Yours in the love of travel, particularly flights of fancy.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Going South

Does South Africa confuse you? Here's a beginner's guide.

The ANC is the ruling party. However, it's not clear who is really in charge in South Africa. This is because of a delightfully laissez - faire  approach to the rule of law, governance, responsibility and much else. Those little things that silly politicians fret about in less jolly parts of the globe.  'In-charge' contenders are Afriforum, Julius Malema, Gift of the Givers, Operation Dudula, the RET faction and an assortment of crime corporations.

In like fashion, borders (like much else) are elastic and optional. People pass through as freely as the wild geese migrate. Some welcome, and even encourage this, as a sign of the uhuru-like, brotherhood of all African peoples. Others maintain that we have sufficient numbers of our own unemployed, as well as our own accomplished criminals. No doubt, this conflict will rumble on, unaffected by lawsuits, demonstrations, tiresome orations, commissions and task teams.

South Africa has world-class cricket and rugby teams. I've heard that we also play soccer. The sport in which we really excel is large-scale looting. Age is no barrier to participation  and some of our ablest athletes are senior citizens.

We are also excellent talkers. Conferences, task teams, committees, commissions are our bread and butter.Nothing ever comes of these. Nothing happens. But that's not the point is it? We should just enjoy the fact that we're a world leader. A cynical friend said that's why we have eleven  official languages. There's lots of k..k to talk. We should have a twelfth, he said. As I abhor crude language, I stopped him before he could say 'bullshit'.

We have developed a unique language similar to Orwell's newspeak. 'Revolutionary' for example is an adjective used freely to make the most commonplace things sound..well, revolutionary. We have revolutionary buildings which don't do anything different from what your average, dingy office block does. We have revolutionary oratory that sounds remarkably like pre-masticated stuff from every underwhelming socialist  / workers' paradise on the planet. Nothing truly revolutionary actually happens. Excellent service or innovation , for example. 

Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so the South African authorities seem to abhor anything that works efficiently. We have dismantled the rail network, education, training, all state owned enterprises. It is now difficult to find other things to dismantle but I have no doubt that we will. You can't keep a good wrecking ball down.

One cannot fault South African politicians when it comes to humour. One suggested that there are no alternatives to the ANC for South Africa. A bit like saying that there are no alternatives to Russia for Ukraine (of course, some do believe that). Another made the side-splitting recommendation that politicians fingered for possible corruption should be allowed to self-correct. Jack The Ripper, Al Capone and other jolly persons of interest would have loved that. A recent corker was that we should cease to be a constitutional democracy and let parliament have the final say. Suffice it to say that that's not too far different from handing the school over to the worst playground bully. Or the prison to the most hardened inmates? And I don't mean the wardens. Or the henhouse to a fox grinning with blood-smeared jaws?

South Africans have come through some very difficult times. I have no doubt that they will also survive the antics of the clowns and asses  which we've been blessed with an abundance of.

It's just that it's a long, brutal comrades' marathon.

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Russia, Ukraine: The Wisdom Of Zuma

 Dear Mr Zuma 

So glad you took time off from your literary endeavours to present us with a cogent, clear-eyed analysis of the current Russian peace initiative and the history behind it. 

Indeed, after reading your piece,  I felt as if I'd  just been blessed with a double dose of McCords Hospital's  Eye Division's special eyedrops. You know, the ones that make everything look clearer and brighter.

In a piece as dense and rich with logic and wisdom as a good fruitcake is with fruit and brandy, it's difficult to highlight specific nuggets. Sir, I'll give it my best shot.

Mr Putin, the man of peace has been tormented by Western warmongers and their running dogs for decades. They have now forced him into a position where he has no choice but to murder great numbers of people. And shell cities to smithereens. The cruel bastards. To force a man of peace into such a position.

The same dark (or pale?) Western forces were behind your redeployment to inKandla. I should think also behind Mr Mbeki"s redeployment. The Russians, faithful friends, have not forgotten. I believe that the letter Z on their war machines is a tribute to you. 'Remember Zuma'. Similar to 'Remember Stalingrad'.

You pointed out that the West has bombed many cities into ruins. Our Russian comrades are going through Ukraine as gingerly and gently as a herd of elephants in the Knysna forests. 

Sir, there's much more to chew, meditate and ruminate on in your seminal piece and I hope, like Schwarzenegger, to be back soon.

Yours in the struggle to pierce the propaganda veil and to cauterize the warts on the mottled face of history 

Richard 

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Espionage And Education

 Dear Mr Fraser

Like other comrades, yours truly among them, you have had accusations  and innuendo hurled at you touching your academic struggle. An excerpt from a News24 report:

'Referring to the allegation that he might have lied to various state departments, including the SSA, about his degree, Mabuza said on Fraser's behalf that it was "preposterous and shameful" to suggest that he had lied about the qualifications that are recorded on his "official CV".'

As a former bouncer and student of life, I am compelled to come to your defence. I attended several institutions of learning between bouncing assignments. Although I didn't register for any particular course and was there mainly for the free coffee, I did learn a great deal from the odd free lecture. I can recite Hamlet's famous soliloquy from memory. And just to prove that it was not mere parrot-fashion.learning, here's  an insightful  analysis of the piece:

1. It reminds me of our president with the whole 'Eish! To be or not to be' thing.

2 It would make a powerful  rap song against a background of some throbbing percussives and a rolling, rhythmic chant of 'That is the question'

3.That Danish guy could have summarized it all in a few sentences e.g. 

'Should I die,  put up with being dissed or donner somebody? Tough choices. Don't know what's out there. I'll chill for now.'

An approach adhered to by SA politicians to this day.

(I've shared this with a UCT professor for inclusion in his lectures, free of charge).

The point is, sir, all of the above aligns with the theory of social constructivism  in education. If not all the rage now, at least a significant part of the rage.  

I quote:

"Every conversation or encounter between two or more people presents an opportunity for new knowledge to be obtained or present knowledge expanded".

If you were, indeed, a bouncer, you would have had more conversations and encounters than the average undergraduate student. That would suggest that you are highly educated. It would explain why you were able to transition effortlessly from spy boss to One Who Can Release Persons From Confinement On Grounds Of Ill Health.

As no South African argument is complete without 'whatabout', no-one questioned the credentials of James Bond, The Man From U.N.C.L.E or Mata Hari (all Caucasian).

At any rate, In terms of social constructivism theory, acquiring an education  in spying is fairly simple. We are bombarded  with spy novels, series, movies and news reports. It would not surprise me to learn that, even now, elements of Mossad, American NSI and  our own superior intelligence outfits are scanning this article for suspicious references to insurrections and other subversive stuff. I can confidently say that, courtesy of good books and movies, I've learnt to watch my six, practise tradecraft, shake off or disable shadows and kill with everyday objects ranging from a pencil to a grain of rice. Nothing to it.

The journey is as important as the destination, says the theory. You journeyed all the way to London. That must count for something.

In a challenge to the establishment and WMC, bound to resound in and shake the ivory towers of academia, I'm applying for a PhD on the basis of prior learning completed.  My dissertation, 'Education By Osmosis' will be ready for publication at the same time as my book,  'Espionage Made Easy'.

Yours in the struggle against accusations, innuendo and preposterous and shameful stuff.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723