For Your Comfort: Mr Zuma

Dear Mr Duduzane Zuma

I was initially delighted when I saw this tweet, posted by a Mr Ernst Roets:

"Future President (Duduzane) Zuma II has announced that he will return from his travels abroad to lead South Africa into a future of free stuff for everyone. Long may he reign!"

But, (as they say in the classics), I was assailed by doubts when a friend pointed out that Mr Roets is, in all likelihood, a settler. This could possibly imply unholy alliances with the likes of Bill Gates, peddlers of fake news, clever Blacks and even the enemy of mankind himself. I have asked the Daily Sun to investigate, with the sort of rigour and fervour they apply to tokoloshe takedowns.

If it is true, then I see you as a sort of Mzansi Moses, leading us to the oft - promised land of milk, honey and moolah. I hope that we can bypass the forty - year meander. We have already done nine years, some say. Without manna, but forced to swallow all manner of unwholesome stuff along the wilderness byways.

Is it true that your name should actually be Duduzani, meaning 'be comforted'? I am certainly comforted by the prospect of receiving free stuff. May I make an early request? A two - bedroomed flat within walking distance of Kalkies Fish And Chips and a Fiat Uno would meet my humble needs. (The guest bedroom is intended to accommodate you in the style you are accustomed to, should you visit).

Well, sir, we await your return and the uttering of that ringing command: 'Let my people go!'

Yours in the hunger for free st.., I mean, freedom.

Richard