Hatman

 Dear Mr Cele 

Your once soaring popularity seems to be plummeting. 

I think it grossly unfair that your many stellar achievements in the war against crime are so soon forgotten.

Let me remind South Africans:

You made the startling discovery that alcohol, not money, is the root of all evil. Nobel prize-winning stuff. 

You have made it easy for us to identify villains and potential villains. Those tattoos are a dead giveaway. Crime fighting made simple.

You arrested thousands of puffing and swilling degenerates during lockdown. Who knows how many lives were saved by that bold stroke?

You warned us against loud Gqom music. I'm not sure what it does, but it must be horrific.

You warned us to expect more horrific crime statistics in future. Sir, how did you come to that brilliant conclusion? Sherlock would applaud.

You have racked up a record number of air miles, flitting around the country to crime scenes, like the ever-belated cavalry, dispensing words of wisdom and warning. Who can forget your words, profound as an excerpt from a great Shakespearean tragedy:

"I cannot picture a zama zama (illegal miner) with a pretty girl."

Sir, neither can I. I have been pondering the layers of meaning and the implications for law and order for weeks now.  You do say the most thought-provoking things.

People say that you don't have a strategy for fighting crime. Nonsense! I'm sure that, even now, your police are staking out tattoo parlours. And dens of iniquity where the Tattooed Ones gather, consume alcohol and plan heinous criminal activity. 

When this strategy comes together and your many pithy, wise and witty quotes are remembered, you will surely be hailed as the Batman, or perhaps, Hatman, of South Africa. 

Local television has served us sparse fare of late. I suggest a series based on your thrilling exploits: 'Hatman, The Daf..., sorry,  Dark Crusader'.

Yours in the grim struggle against tattoos, alcohol, Gqom music and more.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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